The 7 or so years I have been here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
The 7 or so years I have been here
I was thinking today how long i have been coming to my beloved Sober Recovery Forum and what happened in those years.
It was mainly the up's, the downs, the thought processes, the realisations and the self denials and realising I was not alone with my 'problem'.
At first I was in awe that I found here and I would literally read for hours whilst necking a large vodka because I was not convinced I was that bad. Well, I was bad, I got that, but not as bad as some of the stories here!! No offence meant, it was my pride and my denial. How stupid I was.
I kept drinking.
I then became envious of the people here who had a week, or posted about 90 days. I could not believe anyone could have a year without a drink and someone with 5 years?!!!!! Give up, that could not be true.
Then I remember some of the 'yets' happening and realising it did not matter how much you drank, it was what happened when you drank. I was still consoling myself with bucket loads of vodka though.
Then one new years day I woke to a stupid, needless hangover.
I had drunk just because it was new years eve and thats what we all should do. I stayed in on my own. I could have gone to bed early or done something else, but no, I sat and did the very thing I hated.
A lightbulb went off about 'never having to feel like this again as long as I did not pick up the first drink'.
Then I did a month with no alcohol, but went back.
That month gave me confidence that maybe i could rid myself of drink.
So then I went about getting another month and here I am over 2 years later.
That 1 year post and the fact I was writing it is in my top 10 achievements in my life.
I went through a time when i despised alcohol and heavy drinkers.
Now I am only concerned with me, myself and I. I don't judge, I don't get overly involved in other peoples drama, I look after myself.
It took just under 5 years to get to the realisation, me and drink are a disaster, but better 5 years than 50 years.
I just wondered if anyone else looks back on how they arrived here, the changing thoughts and actions and how they ended up.
Love you all xx
It was mainly the up's, the downs, the thought processes, the realisations and the self denials and realising I was not alone with my 'problem'.
At first I was in awe that I found here and I would literally read for hours whilst necking a large vodka because I was not convinced I was that bad. Well, I was bad, I got that, but not as bad as some of the stories here!! No offence meant, it was my pride and my denial. How stupid I was.
I kept drinking.
I then became envious of the people here who had a week, or posted about 90 days. I could not believe anyone could have a year without a drink and someone with 5 years?!!!!! Give up, that could not be true.
Then I remember some of the 'yets' happening and realising it did not matter how much you drank, it was what happened when you drank. I was still consoling myself with bucket loads of vodka though.
Then one new years day I woke to a stupid, needless hangover.
I had drunk just because it was new years eve and thats what we all should do. I stayed in on my own. I could have gone to bed early or done something else, but no, I sat and did the very thing I hated.
A lightbulb went off about 'never having to feel like this again as long as I did not pick up the first drink'.
Then I did a month with no alcohol, but went back.
That month gave me confidence that maybe i could rid myself of drink.
So then I went about getting another month and here I am over 2 years later.
That 1 year post and the fact I was writing it is in my top 10 achievements in my life.
I went through a time when i despised alcohol and heavy drinkers.
Now I am only concerned with me, myself and I. I don't judge, I don't get overly involved in other peoples drama, I look after myself.
It took just under 5 years to get to the realisation, me and drink are a disaster, but better 5 years than 50 years.
I just wondered if anyone else looks back on how they arrived here, the changing thoughts and actions and how they ended up.
Love you all xx
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Sasha, I feel exactly the same way.
I did as you did and looked at other people and tried to judge where, if anywhere I fit in, and continued to judge people. One of the best gifts of sobriety has been to learn to judge no one. We all have our stories and we all move at our own rate, just as we should.
I did as you did and looked at other people and tried to judge where, if anywhere I fit in, and continued to judge people. One of the best gifts of sobriety has been to learn to judge no one. We all have our stories and we all move at our own rate, just as we should.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Originally Posted by purpleknight 
Great post!! 
I did something similar, didn't think I had a problem and then also had a lightbulb moment, signed up to SR but then spent a year struggling to achieve it until finally cracking it!!
I did something similar, didn't think I had a problem and then also had a lightbulb moment, signed up to SR but then spent a year struggling to achieve it until finally cracking it!!
That sort of, I need to do something about my drinking. The hangovers has worn off, maybe I over reacted, drink a bit more, realise that maybe that site was right and I need to go back. Then like you say, wanting it, then achieving it and never wanting to go back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I think part of my problem was my ego, the idea that I couldn't be in control of something, there was no way something was going to rule me, but in hindsight it didn't make a whole lot of sense, because when I drank I wasn't exactly in control of much, so basically I wanted to feel like I was in control of something that made me out of control!!
The other thing was the going around in circles, drink/hangover/go to work, I'd make great plans and have good intentions every morning but by the afternoon I'd be stopping off at the liquor store, someone posted a while back that the human mind is pre-programmed to forget negative experiences and focus on positives, something to do with evolution and survival instincts that would have been beneficial to us in primitive times, who knows!!
The other thing was the going around in circles, drink/hangover/go to work, I'd make great plans and have good intentions every morning but by the afternoon I'd be stopping off at the liquor store, someone posted a while back that the human mind is pre-programmed to forget negative experiences and focus on positives, something to do with evolution and survival instincts that would have been beneficial to us in primitive times, who knows!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
In a lot of ways I don't recognize the guy from 2007 - probably because it wasn't me.
I was trying to be who I thought people here wanted me to be...a hallmark of my addiction.
Thankfully that didn't last too long.
I let down my walls and was accepted for the real me very quickly.
Like I said elsewhere this week SR is not just another internet forum to me.
There are real people here and I still feel privileged to be a part of people's lives, and to be able to tap into the inestimable wellspring of goodness this community generates
I'm glad & proud to have walked bedside you Sasha for those years too
D
I was trying to be who I thought people here wanted me to be...a hallmark of my addiction.
Thankfully that didn't last too long.
I let down my walls and was accepted for the real me very quickly.
Like I said elsewhere this week SR is not just another internet forum to me.
There are real people here and I still feel privileged to be a part of people's lives, and to be able to tap into the inestimable wellspring of goodness this community generates
I'm glad & proud to have walked bedside you Sasha for those years too
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Leipzig
Posts: 35
May I say to Sasha that your post is one of the reasons why this site has been so valuable to me.
I read for a couple months before joining July 1. I observe a lot of "churning," people like myself who get three days in and then slip. This can be very discouraging-- BUT it can also be uplifting to know you're (I'm) not the only one who slipped.
Sort of like a group of people trying to push a car out of a snowy ditch-- tires spinning, forward then back. . . . . til finally a breakthrough and back on the road.
Your story, Sasha, is that of someone who's back on the road, giving us some perspective on what it's like. Yes, you still have to drive carefully-- but it's worth it to keep trying, even if you fail a few times. Or many.
Me, I'm just engaging my front wheel drive, trying to get my rear out of the ditch, not rolling yet, but I'm going to be now. Thanks for sharing your story.
I read for a couple months before joining July 1. I observe a lot of "churning," people like myself who get three days in and then slip. This can be very discouraging-- BUT it can also be uplifting to know you're (I'm) not the only one who slipped.
Sort of like a group of people trying to push a car out of a snowy ditch-- tires spinning, forward then back. . . . . til finally a breakthrough and back on the road.
Your story, Sasha, is that of someone who's back on the road, giving us some perspective on what it's like. Yes, you still have to drive carefully-- but it's worth it to keep trying, even if you fail a few times. Or many.
Me, I'm just engaging my front wheel drive, trying to get my rear out of the ditch, not rolling yet, but I'm going to be now. Thanks for sharing your story.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I read my old posts from time to time. I have a couple where I just shake my head. I remember being crazy panicked because my husband had discovered my drinking again. I remember that I found SR because I was googling a solution for my night sweats. I ended up with a solution, just not the one I was expecting. I still had to deal with all the miserable withdrawal symptoms but this place held the solution to the drink problem. I just wasn't totally ready for it yet.
I went to AA because SR gave me the confidence that working with other alcoholics could help me. AA has given me a clear plan and a structure that I need for sobriety but SR gives me the instant access to a wide variety of service and help in my daily life. If check in on SR throughout the day and especially at night. I find that by posting here and encouraging others in their sobriety, I am pulled out of my own head and obsessing on all the little things that drive me crazy about myself. Part of what I love about AA is that I can look people in the eyes when I talk about my flaws and my hope. I get a very intimate connection there that I don't get as much here. The thing with SR is that there is a never ending flow of conversation here. There is always a thread to be read or a thread of my own to post and spark meaningful conversation and thought. SR gives me the opportunity to reflect on my sobriety, my program and my mental state at any time.
I love the community we have here. We talked about this in my meeting today. We have a place where we can share our feelings openly and honestly and not be judged. It's such a relief to come here and express my feelings and get honest and thoughtful replies about why I'm feeling the way I am and simple encouragement to not let my emotions drive my life. This place is a breath of fresh air in a smog filled world.
I went to AA because SR gave me the confidence that working with other alcoholics could help me. AA has given me a clear plan and a structure that I need for sobriety but SR gives me the instant access to a wide variety of service and help in my daily life. If check in on SR throughout the day and especially at night. I find that by posting here and encouraging others in their sobriety, I am pulled out of my own head and obsessing on all the little things that drive me crazy about myself. Part of what I love about AA is that I can look people in the eyes when I talk about my flaws and my hope. I get a very intimate connection there that I don't get as much here. The thing with SR is that there is a never ending flow of conversation here. There is always a thread to be read or a thread of my own to post and spark meaningful conversation and thought. SR gives me the opportunity to reflect on my sobriety, my program and my mental state at any time.
I love the community we have here. We talked about this in my meeting today. We have a place where we can share our feelings openly and honestly and not be judged. It's such a relief to come here and express my feelings and get honest and thoughtful replies about why I'm feeling the way I am and simple encouragement to not let my emotions drive my life. This place is a breath of fresh air in a smog filled world.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Awesome post!!! I am nearly five months in and have faced awful
Anxiety ridden stressful struggles through times. It is so inspiring to hear from
Someone so far ahead if
Me with good news!!! Thank you!!!
Anxiety ridden stressful struggles through times. It is so inspiring to hear from
Someone so far ahead if
Me with good news!!! Thank you!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I think it is why I always find it sad when newcomers might post once or twice that they have a problem, then convince themselves they don't and never come back.
I always want to encourage them to keep coming back because I went through what they are going through now.
When someone new comes along, I can often recognise similarities in what they say and what I said at the start of my journey and I so want them to come back so that they can advance their journey and their knowledge and have these big realisations that can only improve their life for the better.
Things like, I'm not an alcoholic but I'm a binge drinker.
Or I don't drink when I wake up so I'm not an alcoholic.
Or I have never driven drunk.
Or I have not lost a job due to my drinking.
We all seem to have a similar thought process.To me it seems everyone says things and thinks things the same when it comes to alcoholism and drink problems.
We all go through the moderating phase.
Then there is the only drinking beer/lite beer/drinking at weekends/doing a week without a problem so how can I have a problem!
To me its like a timeline and we all start off at the same place, and we all pass through the various stages at some point too. Its just different times that we arrive where we want to be.
And Dee, I am happy you walked with me too, along with all the others here who helped me climb back to the top and reach where I wanted to be. You all in your own ways gave me a helping hand up.
I always want to encourage them to keep coming back because I went through what they are going through now.
When someone new comes along, I can often recognise similarities in what they say and what I said at the start of my journey and I so want them to come back so that they can advance their journey and their knowledge and have these big realisations that can only improve their life for the better.
Things like, I'm not an alcoholic but I'm a binge drinker.
Or I don't drink when I wake up so I'm not an alcoholic.
Or I have never driven drunk.
Or I have not lost a job due to my drinking.
We all seem to have a similar thought process.To me it seems everyone says things and thinks things the same when it comes to alcoholism and drink problems.
We all go through the moderating phase.
Then there is the only drinking beer/lite beer/drinking at weekends/doing a week without a problem so how can I have a problem!
To me its like a timeline and we all start off at the same place, and we all pass through the various stages at some point too. Its just different times that we arrive where we want to be.
And Dee, I am happy you walked with me too, along with all the others here who helped me climb back to the top and reach where I wanted to be. You all in your own ways gave me a helping hand up.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
