In so much pain
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
In so much pain
After the last episode of abandonment, I told (recovered??) AH to get his own place. The discussion was that it didn't have to permanent, be reliable come to family events etc & we will talk about moving back when there is more trust.
Well, things are worse x100! He won't answer any calls or texts and hasn't spoken to the kids, either. He claims he is still sober (saw him at an event & he did seem like he was) but he is completely closed off emotionally. It has me second-guessing my decision. He violated that boundary so many times drunk or sober-I just couldn't live with the threat of him leaving every time his feathers were ruffled.
Now I'm scared, sad, feel so alone and no idea of what to do next. We still are connected in every way- finances, kids etc. It really hurts. If he is being truthful he has 8 months sober. Why is everything worse?? It hurts so much more when he does this stuff while he's sober.
Well, things are worse x100! He won't answer any calls or texts and hasn't spoken to the kids, either. He claims he is still sober (saw him at an event & he did seem like he was) but he is completely closed off emotionally. It has me second-guessing my decision. He violated that boundary so many times drunk or sober-I just couldn't live with the threat of him leaving every time his feathers were ruffled.
Now I'm scared, sad, feel so alone and no idea of what to do next. We still are connected in every way- finances, kids etc. It really hurts. If he is being truthful he has 8 months sober. Why is everything worse?? It hurts so much more when he does this stuff while he's sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Flavia, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Whether or not your husband is an alcoholic, and whether or not he is drinking now or sober, you have the right to decide that his behavior is not what you want from your life partner.
It may be time to have a consultation with an attorney to get some structure about the finances and stuff. Most attorneys will have a free hour consultation.
It helped me to remember the 3 C's: you didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. It is okay to figure out what you need to do for you and for your children whether or not he steps up to the plate and engages again emotionally.
ShootingStar1
It may be time to have a consultation with an attorney to get some structure about the finances and stuff. Most attorneys will have a free hour consultation.
It helped me to remember the 3 C's: you didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. It is okay to figure out what you need to do for you and for your children whether or not he steps up to the plate and engages again emotionally.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Thanks, Shooting Star. I am falling into the trap of "he's not drinking anymore so maybe I should've put up with the rest of his BS". But the last time it happened, it hurt everyone so much.
I wish I could find an attorney that does free consultations. I have done a consult but it was expensive. I'm not sure she was the lawyer for me, either. I'll look around again.
I wish I could find an attorney that does free consultations. I have done a consult but it was expensive. I'm not sure she was the lawyer for me, either. I'll look around again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Flavia,
Sometimes I feel like a fraud posting on here because the truth is, my ex is/was an alcoholic, but I didn't leave him for that reason. I perhaps would have stayed if his only problem was being an alcoholic. I left because of his emotional abuse. He constantly abandoned me. He would run away from home for months at a time.
Whether or not he is 8 months sober doesn't mean a d@mn thing, the way that he treats you does.
So he is still blaming you. He will not accept your calls or your text.
I'm also an RA. I've never abandoned someone like that. I think you may be dealing with more then an alcoholic. He may be 8 months sober, but he is still blaming you for everything. There really is no excuse for that. There is no excuse for emotional abuse.
Is this really the behavior that you would want to constantly forgive over and over whether he is drinking or not.
Abandonment is all about control.
Sometimes take the drink away from an alcoholic and you still have a jerk.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Sometimes I feel like a fraud posting on here because the truth is, my ex is/was an alcoholic, but I didn't leave him for that reason. I perhaps would have stayed if his only problem was being an alcoholic. I left because of his emotional abuse. He constantly abandoned me. He would run away from home for months at a time.
Whether or not he is 8 months sober doesn't mean a d@mn thing, the way that he treats you does.
So he is still blaming you. He will not accept your calls or your text.
I'm also an RA. I've never abandoned someone like that. I think you may be dealing with more then an alcoholic. He may be 8 months sober, but he is still blaming you for everything. There really is no excuse for that. There is no excuse for emotional abuse.
Is this really the behavior that you would want to constantly forgive over and over whether he is drinking or not.
Abandonment is all about control.
Sometimes take the drink away from an alcoholic and you still have a jerk.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Flavia2 
I am falling into the trap of "he's not drinking anymore so maybe I should've put up with the rest of his BS"..
There is more to recovery than just quitting the drinking part. I have discovered since I quit drinking that learning to live sober and changing myself is much harder. And learning that not everything is all about me is challenging as well.
Some of us never get it, I hope he eventually does. I am so sorry that he is causing you all this pain.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Taking the step to say "No-you can't come back" was really hard for me. He is alternately angry and then feeling sorry for himself. But, I talked to my DD and she does not want him to come back. She deserves a drama-free childhood and I can start now to rebuild our home life so it doesn't revolve around him.
I'm going to spend this weekend at the beach with the kids. We haven't been in a long time!
I'm going to spend this weekend at the beach with the kids. We haven't been in a long time!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Flavia,
Read the signs from your kids...when children don't want a dysfunctional parent back in the home that is a huge red flag! I used to beg my mother to leave my abusive father but she was severely codependent and never did protect us. All of the children in that union have grown up very scarred including myself...my brother is a full blown alcoholic and watching his life destroyed has been very, very hard for me.
Alcoholism is a family disease that can be treated and the cycle broken. Children of A's can be protected and can learn how to have healthy relationships if one parent protects them and shows them the way.
You are so doing the right thing! Counseling and alateen are great ideas for the kids to help them process their feelings about their dad and alcoholism's impact on them.
Read the signs from your kids...when children don't want a dysfunctional parent back in the home that is a huge red flag! I used to beg my mother to leave my abusive father but she was severely codependent and never did protect us. All of the children in that union have grown up very scarred including myself...my brother is a full blown alcoholic and watching his life destroyed has been very, very hard for me.
Alcoholism is a family disease that can be treated and the cycle broken. Children of A's can be protected and can learn how to have healthy relationships if one parent protects them and shows them the way.
You are so doing the right thing! Counseling and alateen are great ideas for the kids to help them process their feelings about their dad and alcoholism's impact on them.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 41
Scarey to have the cover of alcohol taken away and to still be left with problems. I think I blame the alcohol for lots of traits that just might be a bad personality trait. It's true you don't need to be a drunk to behave bad.
I hope you look after yourself in the days to come. Xx
I hope you look after yourself in the days to come. Xx
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
I am sorry for what you are dealing with.
The pain is the worst for me! I know the difference between right and wrong. But the pain - the emotions - the guilt ....those are my weak areas that keep me on this "merry-go-round" with my ABF. If I could only lock that part of me in box while I sort out the mess I am in with him.....I would be able to handle it like a champ.
The pain is the worst for me! I know the difference between right and wrong. But the pain - the emotions - the guilt ....those are my weak areas that keep me on this "merry-go-round" with my ABF. If I could only lock that part of me in box while I sort out the mess I am in with him.....I would be able to handle it like a champ.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry you're hurting. My thoughts reading your thread were that just staying sober & working a program of recovery are 2 different things entirely. While he may have successfully stayed dry, it doesn't mean he is automatically healthy as a result. Does he do therapy, AA, or any sort of counseling?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I'm so sorry you are struggling. The thing about setting boundaries and ultimatiums is that when they don't go our way we have to know what we are going to do about it. The good thing is, there is no rush. It's ok just to have a break. You don't have to do anything RIGHT NOW. Time will tell you lots of things.
I hope things get better and you have a peaceful weekend. I want to mention that I thought I was so entertwined with my XAH that there was no way I would figure things out. Once I visited an attorney, it was a lot more simple than I thought it would be.
Good Luck and God Bless!
I hope things get better and you have a peaceful weekend. I want to mention that I thought I was so entertwined with my XAH that there was no way I would figure things out. Once I visited an attorney, it was a lot more simple than I thought it would be.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
After X had temporarily moved out, DS said one day...mom, why don't you guys just get divorced? You could marry another guy that LIKES you and be happier.
I remember looking at him and thinking...what?!? But why was that so surprising when the only request I made of X repeatedly for over a decade was to "act like you like me"? In those exact words. Still, he is their father...
Ugh, these kids see it all, know it all, and unfortunately learn it all if we let them. IMO DD's comment probably goes deep.
I remember looking at him and thinking...what?!? But why was that so surprising when the only request I made of X repeatedly for over a decade was to "act like you like me"? In those exact words. Still, he is their father...
Ugh, these kids see it all, know it all, and unfortunately learn it all if we let them. IMO DD's comment probably goes deep.
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