Nuudawn

The longer I'm in this...the more I come to understand. I am currently battling a number of monkeys. Alcohol is Job 1. A few days ago I put the patch back on and have been 3 days no actually smoking cigarettes. My sister arrived last night from out of town. Although sober just over 4 months herself she is still smoking. My sister is travelling with a friend, so the two of them, myself and my dad all decided to go for dinner. We ended up going to a restaurant at the local casino where a band I liked was playing. Of note, my father is a compulsive gambler and although is 85, is still active in his addiction (well as much as he can be...he can't read anymore, therefore can't handicap horses..his DOC). We have long given up trying to manage his addiction (his loss of eyesight is doing that for him). The band was to start at 9:30 and we arrived shortly after 8 p.m.

3 of the four of us didn't have any alcohol. My sister's friend had a couple of beer with dinner. We had a lovely dinner and by the time we had done it was a few minutes before the band was to start. My sister and her friend went out for a cigarette. The band started and it was far too loud for my dad so he headed into the casino. I sat there for a tune or two whilst everyone around me was now there pretty much there to see the band and...drink. A musician friend of mine came over and we chatted a bit. But after he left...well, I was pretty uncomfortable sitting there with my cup of coffee..alone..people drinking everywhere. My sister and friend came back and we all decided to head into the casino (there is no liquor license or smoking in the actually casino). It was cool because I could sit and play my video poker and STILL hear the band I liked. I was distracted from the drink.

I had $45 bucks in my purse. That was limit and I was planning on staying within it. Eventually I had donated all my cash and I did toy with the idea of hitting the bank machine. I had already seen my sister do so. Fortunately I had my own vehicle there so I decided I was going to say my goodbyes and my sister could take the others home. She decided to call it quits also. She asked if I would go outside with her and keep her company while she smoked. I agreed. Had no problem. Afterwards we all said our goodbyes and I went home..safe and sound..and no poorer than the $45 I was prepared to lose (just barely : ).

This morning my sister arrived with coffee. We hadn't had any alone time really so we headed out to the patio with our coffees. We chatted..we laughed...she smoked one after the other. I eventually caved and took a cigarette from her pack.

What I realized is...I have been quit before and it's been winter and I am not affected by people leaving to go out for a smoke. But I cannot just SIT THERE IN IT..with nothing else to distract me.

I got to thinking about how although I have been to pubs in sobriety..I have been there to EAT the cheap deals pubs round here often have. I am not triggered in those cases. Typically whoever I am with..we eat..and leave shortly thereafter. BUT I couldn't just sit in a pub all night long with people drinking around me. I really wouldn't have interest in it anyway. Just sitting there...trying to make small talk whilst people were drinking.

I type this only because I now realize that unless you have some purpose before you...sitting around with your addiction all around you..without escape.. is foolhearty...it just is.

KissMyTiara

I get this completely with alcohol. It's torture. But with cigarettes not anymore. I quit that 8 years ago and now I can't even sit around it or smell it. No attraction.

Nuudawn

I totally agree. Once you have your "legs" so to speak, I think it can be okay. 3 days ain't anywhere near stability.

bigsombrero

That's a key realization there Nuu. Nice post.

Say, have you ever tried those electronic cigs? I smoked for years and when I quit alcohol 2 years ago I was worse than ever. But honestly the electronic cigs were quite helpful for me. I could still "have a smoke" if needed, even do so bored on my couch watching TV, but without the health consequences and guilt that real cigs give you. PM me if you ever want details!

Glad you're figuring this thing out, piece by piece.

PurpleKnight

Pubs drive me insane now, Sober in a bar full of people getting increasingly drunk, people start to annoy me when they repeat the same conversation over and over, I only venture now to watch some sports, but then leave pretty early on!!

cardoon

That's a great point. I struggle with purposelessness on a pretty regular basis. I've been sober a while and am okay. I envy people with a true purpose; it has to be easier than always questioning the usefulness of what I'm doing. I guess I'd say the trick is to find a purpose even if it's just for today.

360shoes

I still think you are doing great Nuudawn. I'm always so amazed at how some people can tackle all their monkeys at once. I'm not one of them but that's okay. This ain't my first rodeo and I know what kind of works for me. I think most people have lots of monkeys. And yes, my granddaddy of them all was drinking. I don't have much chance of dealing with the others if I continued to drink.

Just me. I have to watch for out for the perfectionism monkey. I've found I'm better off learning to be okay with scratching the bad habits off the list one at a time. I have a history of taking it all on at once just so I could give that illusion that I was perfect. Don't drink, don't smoke, picture of health, pure as the driven snow. Let's not forget that all things must be in order and my house immaculate too. No wonder I went back to drinking. That was exhausting.

So I'm a one bad monkey at a time girl. Drinking monkey is off my back. Never too far away and I know most willing to jump back on. I don't want it. I feel much better without that one. Next one is the smoking. I have the eating right kind of down too. After about a year and a half, for me, they seem to fall into place. Just me.

I have to get where I'm okay with if I gain a couple of pounds from quitting and it's still okay. Temporary problem. I'll be okay. I have that monkey too. My appearance.

I've always had to be the one that eliminates monkeys one at a time. It gives me the opportunity to accept myself as what I think in my mind as not being perfect but still accepting myself as I am. I'm a work in progress. I know in my head I'm not perfect but for some reason if I was in control of absolutely everything I could control, it gave that false security I could fool myself in to believing it.

Anyway. I'm glad there are people who can tackle them all and are good at doing it. One cigarette doesn't sound like a disaster. Far worse to just say f it and give up on it.

I always enjoy reading your posts because you reflect on your experiences. They get me to think about it too and then I learn something about myself. Thanks!

Verte

Nuu...I just LOVE it when you post your realizations. Nice.

When I was stuck a few weeks ago in the airport for 10hrs, I ate in a bar with quite a few other stranded passengers. There was a drunken 'friendship' between two strangers that had spontaneously formed a few tables ahead of me. They were a raucous duo while completely drunk. Somehow...no matter what each did or said, I just felt a complete sense of loneliness as they periodically caught my attention. And each 'friend' just appeared lonely themselves. That is all I could think about as the two whooped it up in front of the world. Well that, and I wondered if each would remember the other the next day.

Thanks for the great thoughts Nuu!

leviathan

curse the day i put the first smoke in my mouth. curse it. what a terrible addiction.

Nuudawn

Thanks all...and yes 360..I battle some control/perfectionism issues. We all do..don't we? (she asks sheepish and wincing). I went out and bought a pack after sis left. Had a few more..now I have a headache..and will likely throw them away...simply because I feel kinda gross and need to start running again (not for any other reason that it stabilizes my crazy head a bit). Running..although helpful for health/appearance has always been about dealing with my head better. When younger,,there was nothin better than a good smoke after a run or workout. Now I'm too old ..as in don't have the wind for both).

When I was sitting with my sis outside ..I really wanted to go inside and I should have listened to my discomfort. But I didn't. Her comfort was more important than my own. And well..that was dumb. She would have understood as she too wants to quit.

Anyhoo I won't beat myself up or anything. Just a lesson learned. Like you..SOBRIETY is my priority above all else right now. The lesson was actually good in the matter of all things.

I soldier on...little wiser. Whatever the issue..I gotta put my well being first.

jdooner

Be gentle but firm - I would not take on too much all at once. Maybe phasing quits in with alcohol and drugs (not sure if was an issue) being number one than smoke, then behavioral type stuff if needed.

Django

I need to pick a bone with you Nuu I'm afraid. Was just going to log in before bed and not post, but reading this has made me! I started smoking at 13 and quit last year with an electric cigarette. Smoked that for about 6 months and given that up now (unless drinking which doesn't happen now)..

Funnily enough I was sitting outside with a friend at work who smokes and she offered me one. For a second I was thinking 'yeah why not'? But remembered I haven't smoked for a year.. plus didn't want to have one. I'm hoping that kind of thinking works with my sobriety over the next few weeks.

Sorry if I've rambled..its bed time!You didn't drink and were aware of what's happening...and you learnt a new thing about your addiction...good progress all round in my opinion.