BobArctor

Hi,

I am not in great shape. I am a very privileged person who has lived like I am homeless in a house that I rent, filled with toys and garbage. I have never kept a budget. I had a contract job that I was told would be extended but then suddenly ended and I found myself with little money to survive on. I am now looking at being unable to pay for rent or gas in a month and a half or so.

If I didn't have a storage space and house filled with stuff, it seems like I could tell my landlord that I am transitioning to homelessness. But, I have all sorts of stuff that I have to move out and many accounts that I have to cancel, like TV and internet.

The day after losing my contract, I decided to give up essentially and I felt intense depression, meaning that I felt like I was going to throw up all the time and felt paralyzed. So, I drank alcohol to try to have some relief. I did that in cycles a day drinking a few days not drinking etc., for about 3 weeks.

A week ago, my anti-depressant prescription was renewed and it is really unpleasant to drink while on those. So, I am taking something that acts like antabuse am not likely to drink.

My main trouble now is dismantling my life, which is hard to do while badly depressed and acting on it makes the depression much worse.

I had some success today by doing an ABC exercise (SMART technique) and managed to clean up a few square feet. I also am doing "1 minute at a time" by periodically making a point of doing 1 minute of the work I need to be doing.

I suppose I should take that as a good sign that I will be able to be functional soon.

There are also potential contracts for me to work on coming up (I am a computer programmer), but I don't know if they will be available before I run out of money. The contracts will require me to have broadband internet and a telephone. So, I don't know what I'm going to do.

There are more miserable details.

not2late

Are you saying you are a hoarder? There may be some couselors in your community that are free of charge. You may need to consider different or additional work to pull yourself out of the hole. You didn't let alcohol start taking over and that's a good thing. Take charge of your life as many here are trying to do.

Ruby2

Is there anyone you could ask to help? To stay with temporarily while waiting to pick up a new contract? Perhaps put you belongings into a rented storage unit which is cheaper than rent. Do you need a land phone line or cellphone? You can get cheap monthly plans for your phone. As for the computer. The public libraries in many areas have free computer and internet for patrons. Maybe that is a possibility? Or a friend might be willing? An Internet cafe? How about putting your name in at a temporary agency for the time being just to pay the bills? Computer programming skills are almost always in demand.

Where there is a will, there is a way. This is tough but keep going, the minute at a time that you are doing.

Nuudawn

Ruby has some great thoughts there. I am not sure where you live or what community services you may have available. Where I live in Canada we do have employment offices than you can sign up with that allow you to utilize phones and computers etc. free of charge. They also set you up with an employment counsellor. As far as recovery..it wouldn't be a bad idea to perhaps "network" with those folks in AA. I think you need some people around and about. It's not for everyone..but there are people that care..and well, you could use some people...no?

Bright blessings to you friend.

Dee74

There's good advice here Bob - there must be some help and support in your community,
helping you find food and necessities, maintain a budget within your means, and getting you back into the workforce?

D

DisplacedGRITS

Ruby's got a great idea with the temp agency. I've done them work before to pay the bills. Grocery stores and gas stations are almost always hiring. They're not well paying jobs but they're usually places that hire quickly.

shakeel

I would suggest a support group. the suggestions above are well meant, but I doubt librairies would do it for him. he's a computer programmer, he needs certain applications to be running on the PC, needs to be on line for hours on at a time. That's why I think you should hit the problem where it hurts and doors usually do start to open. I really think going to AA meetings and sharing, getting a sponsor, doing the steps indirectly solve urgent problems such as the ones you are facing. I was in your situation before and I thought to myself meetings and AA are the last thing that I need right now, but somehow they worked miracles.

BobArctor

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure if I qualify as a hoarder. My house is a mess. But, what I mean is that I have all sorts of gadgets that I wouldn't have bought if I kept a budget. It is very much like if you gave a young child the freedom to buy whatever he wanted.

But, that isn't where the bulk of my money went. It is kind of baffling, but just not caring how much I spend and buying CDs, DVDs and other relatively cheap things, plus driving my car all over was where most of my money went.

The temp agency idea is good. But, I would not make enough to pay for rent and gas for the car, even if I drove as little as possible. I have to get rid of my stuff and leave my house. Then, I can do something like that.

I have 2 storage spaces filled with more crap a lot of which I think I can get rid of easily. I hadn't really thought of staging things by first putting stuff in storage. That is a good idea.

There are people that I care about in AA. And, I will visit periodically.

At the start of the 2 years that I was abstinent I was helped a lot by AA. Once I got a sponsor and got past the point where I felt like I need help to keep from falling into despair and possibly drinking, and started worrying about what I have to do to survive in the world, it didn't work very well.

My big problems were about things that are not completely my fault. That makes it really difficult to deal with. But, any suggestion that there is something that is not my fault met with universal disapproval from people I knew in AA. So, essentially, I could not get any further help.

Yes, I know there is my part in possibly every problem, and I get a lot out of the concept of humility and aspects of the notion of powerlessness, but in order to deal with it, I have to figure out what to do about the parts that are changeable but not my fault, other than throwing up my hands and letting a higher power magically fix things for me.

I have been in and around people from AA for something like 25 years. Meetings are different all over the place, but I have always met that barrier.

There are lifering meetings that I can go to and SMART chat.

Nuudawn

I am glad you updated us with a little more information.

I want to ask you something, and I mean this with all sincerity as I am trying to get a better picture of where you are at?

What do you mean by big problems that are not completely your fault? Are you able to provide an example of one?

BobArctor

First, by "big problems" I don't mean that they are big as problems go. When talking about problems, noting that I am not drinking and don't want to drink was not as big a problem to seek help for than what I need to do in my life to continue to have money for food and shelter.

For an example, I quit drinking and went to AA soon after having lost my job. My drinking certainly played a large part in why I lost my job. But, in that job, people (programmers) were told to compete against each other, by the manager. I don't compete against coworkers. I consider it unethical. This put me in an unfortunate situation beyond "losing" to coworkers. I was dealt with differently partly because the effect of being always hung over made me behave strangely, and partly because of an inferiority complex and partly because of the competition.

The only thing I can change directly is myself. But, I can influence others by changing myself. So, what I wanted help with was how to change myself to deal effectively and ethically, with people in the very common work environment in which people are competitive when I am opposed to the concept. The problem of me being disadvantaged in that work environment is not entirely my fault.

Dee74

I expect you'll hear from other programmers Bob but when I was in a job where I was encouraged to be competitive, I left.

I understand the many reasons why that may not be practical for you right now, but it seems to me if you stay in that industry it's likely to be an issue you're gonna meet time and again?

D

Nuudawn

I too understand what you are saying. I sold Toyota for a few years...and well, despite being a product I stood behind (that was before the big giant recalls..I left just DAYS prior oddly) competition amongst salespeople was very, very much encouraged. I HATED it. It was dog-eat-dog. I felt like I was back in highschool and our sales manager was the principal. I understand your dilemma.

Is the entire industry one of competition?

DisplacedGRITS

If you find that the workplace in which you are working is not conducive to the principles by which you wish to live your life, it's up to you to seek out employment in a place where you can be happy as well as successful. In the meantime, you have to do what you have to do to survive. Separate your work self and your true self. Don't let the work environment torture your soul. Just be sure to be actively pursuing a work life you can live with. Prioritize what's really important to you and concentrate your efforts on that.

Sounds like you've got a lot of "stuff." I had a bit of a problem with that for a while. I enjoyed getting it. I enjoyed owning it. Eventually, my stuff just started to feel overwhelming. Moving helped me to look at what i had around me and scale down. I had to let go of things that i thought held memories or significance. I swear, i had things like CDs and tapes that i would never, ever listen to again and i squirrelled them away because i remembered the good times i had listening to them....15 years ago! I swear, it wasn't easy but when i let things go, i felt so much lighter! Look around at what you have and figure out what works in your life and what you can let go to free yourself, mentally and physically. I sold some things but a lot of stuff i just gave away. It was more important to me to be mentally healthy than to get a few scant dollars for things that were mostly valuable only in my mind.

BobArctor

Dee:

Yes, it is likely to come up frequently. Without changing careers then it is important for me to figure out how to deal with the situation. In theory, I could keep pace with people, more or less.

My inferiority complex is pretty serious, I think. I am prideful as a reaction to it. I am also scatter brained. I was through out 2 years of abstinence. I have attention deficit issues, without the hyperactivity.

I think it is important that I establish routines to follow. I worked from home and it looks like I will be working from home or... homeless shelter? I don't know. Having a routine of starting work at a certain time, eating at a certain time, checking non-work email at a certain time and stopping working at a certain time can hopefully keep me more balanced emotionally and better able to handle my acting like a victim and having resentments.

About the "fault" thing: If when I discuss the problem it is assumed that everything is my fault, I can't get advice about dealing with competition, because the competition can't exist since everything has to be my fault.

BobArctor

No, it's not. Or, not "team" members competing against each other. There are cooperative people. But, I am not in a position where I can choose easily. Also, the same problem I have dealing with the competition comes up in other areas of my life.

I was thinking that I would give a lot of stuff away too. I have a lot of books most of which would be very difficult to sell.

Today, I was not so paralyzed feeling and got a lot done, sorting things out.

Nuudawn

I too have been diagnosed low spectrum ADD Bob. At one point, I had considered the applicable med's. Have you ever? In the end, my counsellor convinced me otherwise. I do believe there are ALOT of ADD/ADHD sufferers who end up with addiction issues. There are more natural ways to manage it as well.. and basically, it's not all that different than a good program of sobriety.

Yes..it requires good routines, a good diet, exercise, rewarding social outlets, good and regular sleep habits, effective coping mechanisms for stress, laughter...basically a very BALANCED life. It takes hard work to manage ...as does sobriety.

But I do believe they compliment each other beautifully...in ways there is much overlapping really.

BobArctor

I am on Wellbutrin and Prozac. It's only been a week. I was taking anti-depressants for more than a year but my refill was denied at one point and I was asked to come in for evaluation. But, I couldn't go to the walk-in clinic then because of work, and the nearest appointment was more than a month away. They would not budge about my options for getting a refill, so I had abrupt withdrawal from the two, which I think contributed to some of the craziness I exhibited before losing my last job.

I like the book "scattered" by Gabor Mate which talks about reparenting oneself as treatment for attention deficit issues.

Balanced and sober have similar meanings.

PurpleKnight

It's very difficult to work within an industry if the principles of that industry don't match your own ethics, you may only be an employee number in the system, so the industry isn't going to change anytime soon and you are unlikely to influence the concept that you disagree with.

The only solution would be to find a role within the industry that the concept isn't as strong, not everyone I'm sure in the world of programming has to be as competitive, other areas, departments may have different roles, failing that it's going to be a long term problem as the industry will be similar wherever you go.

There's a point when a job/industry doesn't sit right with us and can be deemed incompatible, the other way of looking at it is it's your job and that's what your paid to do, competition and all, so there's no shame in working to the best of your ability, competitive as it may be, but that's the nature of the job designed by the industry, not you, you're just working as best you can in the field you've decided on as a career!!

Carlotta

It seems like you have tons of things that you need to downsize and it sounds that you could sell most of them. You would probably get enough $$ from it to rent a room or a small studio for a few months while you deal with your depression and get more entrenched in sobriety.
Have you thought about selling some on ebay? or even Craigslist? Think of your target audience (where to find people who want to buy that stuff) then place a free ad.
A homeless shelter is truly a last resort thing, reach out for help and think alternatives..google "homeless prevention" and your state and see what is out there.
Which State are you in?