byebyebaby

Hi, I'm new here and hoping to find some answers. A quick (long) history. I was with my ex alcoholic husband for 12 years, married almost 10 of those 12. We have 2 boys together, ages 7 and 9. After years of counceling and many hospital visits and rehabs and promices to quit drinking and crying on my shoulder and an extreme DUI and an affair that he left me for in 2007 and he proposed to her during our pending divorce after a month of knowing her and then a few months later his life really really fell apart and he ended up in the hospital and we reconcilled due to the fact that he was "ill" with bipolar disorder and alcoholism and he decided to work on ** *******r.

Nothing changed and then it got worse and I finally had enough and kicked him out on 1/17/13. He moved back to his home state because he had no where to go. He spent 3 months there drunk the whole time and fought me tooth and nail over the divorce and the children. When he moved back to our State he moved in with a girl and within 1 month was engaged to her while we were still going through our divorce. I demanded T*SC testing during our divorce so he could have visitation. Once he was a little sober, He realized all of his wrong doings, broke off his engagement and made all the same promices to get better for me and the kids. Then when I told him the divorce needed to happen but that I would support him emotionally from a distance. We were that close and I knew all his deepest darkest secrets so I felt that th** **** ** his recovery was the least I could do. our divorce was finall 1/10/14. In April of 2014 he was getting evicted, his car was repossessed and he was thousands of dollars behind on child support and drinking everyday.

He had to move home to his home State again to live with his mom. He made all of these promises once again that he was going to be ***** and back on his feet, and sober, catch up on child support, etc. In May of 2014 he had been hospitallized with a BAC of.385 and he told me he started antibuse and was checking into an outpatient program. *** th** **** ** would text me telling me how much he missed and loved me and the boys and thanked me for my continued support, blah blah blah. in the end of May 2014 he had a girlfriend and in the 2nd week of June 2014 he was engaged and is getting married in 2 months. And to top it off, he wanted me to send the kids 2000 miles away to visit him for s month even though the court orders do not allow him that. Now he hates me, he's calling me a crazy b$%tch as if I've done something wrong.

When he moved to the same state as me I could usually tell when he was drunk but it is difficult now and he is threatening to take me back to court. I don't get it.

So, I guess my question is do sober people act this way? How can someone just a month ago text how much he misses and loves me and the kids and then be engaged a month later and calling me a crazy b%^tch for not taking the kids to see him? Even if he is currently not drinking, I've heard it can take 6 months to a year to even start to see a clear mind, is that true? I really don't want to drag this through court again and from experience with him, if he's sober for a week ** **** * month *he thinks he's all better and he's done nothing wrong and there was nothing ever wrong with him and then 6 months **** ****thing **** a court battle, he once again "comes *round" with, "I'm so sorry". after both the emotional and financial damage had been done. Do alcoholics just not think?!

Even though I'm sure no Judge is going to give him long-distance visitation with his history it makes me so mad that he made attempts to put me through this.


Can someone give me some insight into how these people think and what goes through their minds? I've tried so hard to understand it and I just can't.

I am so happy not having to live with an alcoholic and so mad that he can still make my life miserable.

Thanks

meggem

My soon to be EXH has been sober for 9 months. He claims to be very serious about his recovery and goes to 1 meeting and 1 counseling session a week. In his tiny deluded head I really do think he is serious about his recovery but he's just more of a train wreck than he cares to admit.

He still acts like Jekyll and Hyde. Not AS bad as before - but bad enough. The bad now to me is horrific, let alone when it was "really bad" - Looking back I cannot believe the circumstances I stayed for. But he was doing the same thing to me - he is SO good at sincere out pourings. So good at reflecting - so good at insight into himself - and I believe it's all true and sincere but it didn't mean anything anymore. It was the same song and dance. I also think mine is Bipolar. Anything can set him off. It can come out of nowhere. What didn't bother him last week will put him in a rage then next. Unpredictable. Walking on egg shells. then he is so sorry. It gets so old. It's been old for almost 2 years but I had a handful of reasons to stay (mostly financial - not that I am going to be any worse or better off without him, it will be the same really)

Yes he hasn't had a beer in 9 months but he is not all that much different. Maybe teeny tiny. I filed last week because my oldest is 5- youngest 2 -and I need to protect my big girl now since she is old enough to really absorb (not that she wasn't before.. but in my mind I think I had had 5 as a total cut off). I'm still learning here what goes on in their heads and what they think and learning about the disease from the more experienced members here, but I think I am comfortable telling you that he is not at ALL sober and he's not anywhere close to change at this point.

stay strong and big hugs to you....

Flavia2

My experience is that it is absolutely useless to try to make sense of the A's thoughts or behaviors. When I would ask my AH "Why?!", he would say stonily, "There's no reason, Flavia." It's actually one of the things that have stuck with me the most. As part of my recovery, I am working on NOT looking for "why". There is no reason.
Your story is full of all the chaos that A's bring to a life. I hope things get better for you and your kids.

byebyebaby

Hi Meggem, I guess I am not looking so much to understand what goes through their heads as much as why they turn everything against the ex as if I've done something wrong.

For 12 years all I did was support him emotionally and spiritually and then he moves, gets engaged and suddenly his life is "perfect" and I'm still the one to blame.

My take on the whole thing is that alcoholics cling to caregivers and rush into something before they can be found out and so if he continues to blame me so he is not at fault for any of his actions. In otherwords, he believes that the turmoil he caused was all my fault because he has a "look at me now attitude, I am happy and it was all your fault".

When I look back now, I remember dating him for 2 weeks before he wanted to rush into getting married. I was not raised that way and we waited and did the traditional courtship period but it makes sense as far as him wanting to be "locked" into something so he could let his guard down.

Oh well, I guess for now I will just have to bear the brunt of his insanity and wait to see what his next move is even if it is so unfair for him to put me through this once again.

hopeful4

Sometimes an alcoholic acts more crazy sober than drunk. It is because they have underlying mental issues. Do what the court orders, not what a dry drunk orders.

Hugs. I am sorry.

FeelingGreat

Hi BBB, men move on really quickly, more so that women and my theory is that they are more needy and want someone to take care of them. You've pretty much nailed it in your last post.
I feel on your behalf, when you gave him so much support over the years. His castle in the sand will eventually fall over and who knows where his head will be. I'm just sorry you get the fallout.

SparkleKitty

He is just trying to be the hero of his own story. If he accepted responsibility for the horrific way he has treated and continues to treat you, then that would be impossible. People in denial are hanging on to an untenable image of themselves, and while it is extremely hurtful, it is a lot more about him than it is about you.

Please don't tell yourself a story about how he is moving on and his life is perfect. It isn't. He is just repeating a pattern that has worked for him before...until it hasn't. And it will fall apart this time, too, and the next time, and the next time, until he learns to make a different choice. This is NOT a different choice. It is just a different location, a different person.

In my experience, I have to take responsibility for all the support, emotional and practical, I have given to people who were showing me with their actions that it was neither reciprocated or appreciated. I kept thinking they owed me for all that I had given to them, and that they should feel bad for not giving back in kind. It was not until I let go of those expectations, realized that all my "selfless giving" was just my way of trying to manipulate people into being the way *I* wanted them to be, and concentrated on doing what I needed to do to make *myself* happy, that I was able to move on from toxic relationships without fear, guilt, or obligation.

SoaringSpirits

You've got it.

They blame others because then they don't have to take responsibility for their actions. They constantly muddy the waters because then everyone is confused. This includes finding another 'caregiver,' as you so eloquently put it. My XAH has moved on from our 18 year marriage/4 kids with lightening speed thanks to Match.com. His profile states he is looking for marriage to a woman "who enjoys a refreshing beverage" (ie booze). 'Nuff said!

Hang in there, be strong, and kick this dude out of your life for good. You mean nothing to him except what you can provide for him.

LightInside

Oh, Baby. Big hugs to you. You have been through way to much with that guy. There is no reason for you to trust him at this point. Please look at his actions and inaction as indicators of whether to trust him.

He wants the kids to come visit out of state, but he's not allowed? Oh well. That's a consequence of HIS drinking. Stand your ground there, Mama Bear. Look at all you've done to keep your little ones safe. Keep going! You are doing your job as their mom.

Remember the three C's: You didn't cause his drinking. You can't control it. You can't cure it. There is a fourth C: You can contribute through enabling. Once you realize what enabling is, you can decide whether to do that or not (It takes time to change our behaviors). One type of enabling is preventing A's from dealing with their own consequences. This is so easy to do if you are dependent on the drinker's opinion of you. One definite tactic of alcoholics is BLAME. Calling you a "crazy bitch" is manipulative blame. He wants you to feel guilty so that you'll give him his way.

You can let that roll off of you like water off a duck's back, because you know the truth of you. The truth is you're a protective mom. I deal with this same thing, but maybe not as intensely. My X has all these friends and family convinced that I an trying to take his son away from him as punishment for breaking my heart. Eff that. I can heal my heart without punishing anyone.

You will (slowly?) learn a lot about A behavior if you stick around here & read. Also, there is a little but of all anon literature out there that explains some of it. Read the stickies at the top of the forum page.

You will soon find a lot of broken hearts. Some of them are mended and some are in the process still. We're not alone. (((Hugs)))

Btw, not that it's much of your concern, but it sounds like your X is also a relationship addict. A lot of them (and some of us) get high off of relationships and "love." It's really just one more escape from the true Self. That's what A's are doing - escaping themselves. I'm sorry you got mixed up with one.

byebyebaby

Thanks Feeling Great. I'm not upset about him moving on, I actually feel sorry for his next victim and her family. I guess my title of my post was misworded. I am more upset that he "acts" as if everything is great on his end and that he's done nothing wrong and so he wants to drag me through the mud again to try to prove a point that we all know will only blow up in his face but I don't want to be on this ride again.

A few months ago I was feeling so relieved that this was all over and then he drags me back in again.

I didn't make it clear in my first post but I want to make it clear that not only is he an alcoholic, the amount of vodka he drank was unthinkable. On good days it was a fifth of vodka every single night, on bad days it was 2 fifths and when things really got bad it was about a gallon of vodka starting in the morning until he passed out and got up and drank again until he passed out and up again and so on.

Even though I knew he was drinking he would still keep stashes everywhere, in between mattresses, and even found a bottle stashed in his printers paper holder. He had so many stashes at one time that he couldn't even remember where they all were.

I thought this bit of information may help everyone understand his mental capabilities. I truly believe he has lost some brain cells.

AnvilheadII

and he is threatening to take me back to court.

i'm curious, has HE ever actually been the one to initiate any court proceedings? has he TAKEN you to court before?

sounds like he's just talking more smack. unless you know for sure he has hired an attorney and is about to file something, i wouldn't spend too much of my precious time fretting over anything he says. he has proven OVER and OVER again that he is unstable and incapable of keeping one course of action for very long.

i'd suggest keeping contact ONLY to the children. and since he is out of state and supposedly getting married very soon, that should be fairly limited as well. it's time to put EMOTIONAL distance between you....no more accepting texts with all that "love you miss you" BS.

byebyebaby

Light Inside, you are truly wise. Thanks to you and everyone else that has posted here. It really helps a LOT to hear from people that have a good insight into the experiences of dealing with an alcoholic.

Let me ask another question. From all accounts, the girl he is going to marry in 2 months seems like a very nice and normal person, although I don't know who dates a person for 2 weeks, then gets engage to get married 2 months later, but that is here nor there. What baffles me is that his fiance is COMPLETELY opposite from everything is about and I mean COMPLETELY.

So, my question is, do alcoholics cling to someone for "stability". I think he is trying to establish a "stable" environment so if he tries to take me back to court he can say, "see, I have a stable environment for the kids to visit".

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs to make others understand what an alcoholic is and how manipulative they can be. It is so frustrating. I was there once. Originally I didn't think his drinking was so bad until the years past and it got worse and worse. There we many time I even blamed myself until I started to really dig into learning about alcoholism but the most frustrating part is that I've finally realized that I can never win against an alcoholic because of the lies and manipulation so all I can do is protect my kids and pray that the courts see through the lies and manipulation. On the surface, my ex looks like a great guy and he will protect what's beneath the surface at all costs.

byebyebaby

AnvilheadII, he has never initiated a court action but has always fought me tooth and nail through court proceedings until we both have spent thousands of dollars and then he wakes up and says, "we are wasting money, we can negotiate ourselves". Unfortunately by that time finances have dwindled.

In his text to me about wanting to have the kids for a month and i said no that is when he said he was hiring his attorney again so I told him that I would directly communicate with her from that point forward. I have reached out to his old attorney several times to get answers but she is not the best attorney and she claims she will get a hold of him about what we are doing but she will not tell me if he's actually hired her or not. I don't think she is going to jump on board to quickly as he is $8198.00 behind in child support and owes another $1220.00 in past due healthcare premiums. I also don't think a judge will look to kindly upon that.

FeelingGreat

Who knows what his motive is, but if his fiancee is a normal nice person he's not going to be able to hide his alcoholism for long, and she won't be hanging around. Which will be a point against him with the court (history - separates from wife, gets engaged within months, engagement breaks up). Agree with you about the brain cells - he sounds seriously addicted.
If he's dragging his feet badly, going along with the delays as much as convenient or possible for you will give things a chance to play out in his personal life. That can only be to your advantage.

atalose

Ever hear the expression.....water seaks it's own level....

She may be nice but anyone who marries someone they have only known for 8 weeks has issues!!!!

Why are you contacting his attorney and not your own?

Best suggestion is limit your contact with him, period.

killerinstinct

hello bye bye baby, well you're not the only one who's been through this. my ex husband left me with a baby and moved on pretty fast, I was in shock, how could he move in with another woman so quickly, well that was short lived, she kicked him out and some other bird took him in, then it happened again.. I know the rejection would hurt but trust me, what he did to you he's done to all of them and the many who will follow.. he obviously can't see what he's done to have you react the way you are and is therefore calling you horrible names.. please ignore it... people realise the truth eventually... they will look at his actions compared to you're and they will know and understand the grief you've been through. He's just taking these women hostage that's why he is moving at the speed of light... he is desperate to set up shop so he can have someone look after him so he can be selfish.. please don't feel threatened by the women.. it just won't last

Bullfrog

My x acts crazier while sober. I think the substances actually numbed down the mental illness.

Here's the deal (and this is also advice to myself, as well): stop trying to figure it out. Just accept that it's a cluster mess. Take that mental and emotional energy and invest in yourself, your children and God. You'll have a better day.

byebyebaby

Thanks again to everyone. I love the encouragement and advice it really helps me get a better grip on what it going on. I've read a lot of books on alcoholism but hearing from real people with real experiences is so much more helpful.

Update: During our divorce I signed up to get alerts with our local courts if his name ever came up. I was wanting to see if he was going to get another DUI or something of the like as he was putting on his game face during our divorce and acting as if he was not an alcoholic. Anyway, while we were negotiating the terms of our divorce my ex went to get a massage in October of 2013 and an alert came up that he had been accused of sexual indecency and sexual contact (he was drinking again of course). When I asked him about it last year, he claims it was all bogus. I didn't believe a word he was saying because this masseuse actually filed charges with the cops. Well, yesterday I was alerted, via the courts, that they issued a bench warrant for his arrest for failure to appear. Unfortunately since it is a misdemeanor they do not extridict him but if he ever steps foot back in my State he's going to be in big trouble.

I do have another question. Has anyone ever experienced the "self-sabotage" with their alcoholic husband? It always seemed like someway, somehow he would self-sabotage a good thing. Is this a trait of alcoholics or could it have something to do with his mental issues?

Bullfrog

I don't know if it's self-sabotage, but my x can never follow through on almost anything (except at work. He has always been a superstar at work.). He can have the best support, therapist, doctors, rehab-- what have you-- but within a month, he just stops putting any work in and gives up.

byebyebaby

Sometimes I think it's another excuse to drink. When good things happen or things are going really well an alcoholic can only "celebrate" for so long as a justification to drink. But when things go wrong, there is a "whoa is me attitude" and the drinking is justified for a longer period of time.

We owned our own companies and in the height of the market there was time and money to celebrate the good fortune. If we won a new job, we celebrated. But, when times got bad and we lost everything I just got stronger and tried harder and my ex drowned himself in the bottle.

We lost everything at one point and both of us ended up going back to work for our old boss. Between our 2 new salaries we were making really good money and we could finally start paying off bills and catching up and that is when my ex got his DUI and then started drinking on the jobsite and got let go and it was never the same.

So, I'm no expert but the above scenario happened repeatedly and even our counselor just couldn't come to grips as to why my ex would jeapordize everything when things were going well.