ElleDee

Sunday night I drank... a lot. I was doing okay until somehow I fell and smacked my head on the corner of the coffee table. This is the second time I hurt myself while being drunk. The first time I flat out lied about how it happened. I ran out of scotch and it was too late, the liquor stores were closed so I got dressed and snuck out of the house... walked a few blocks to the local bar. On the way home I stumbled (lost my sandals) and sprained my ankle so bad... I was in so much pain that the next day I had to go to the ER and I lied to my husband and said I stumbled over the bathroom rug. Ugg!

So this time after I hit the coffee table (which I don't remember it actually happening) I do remember leaping into the bathroom because I knew he'd be coming down the stairs to see what the noise was. He asked if I was alright and I said yeah. The next morning I couldn't believe what I saw in the mirror. Not only did I have a goose egg on my head my eye was black and blue and I mean BLACK AND BLUE. I looked like someone punched me. Uggggg!!! I decided I was done lieing and sneaking around and I sent my hubby an email telling him what happened, promising to get get help and talking to my GP this week when I see her. I'm sure he thinks I'm full of crap because of how many times I've "started over." He's not talking to me... well deserved on my part, I know. I'm just hoping I don't get another lecture or threats or reminding me how I love booze more than him, my children, or God. I don't feel that way. I don't drink instead of spending time with him or my family and I had just gotten back from vacation on Saturday after no alcohol for over a week. I can live without it. I have proven that over and over but I can't seem to make the sobriety stick. I obviously can't moderate either. I can't drink just one or two or even three. It's always gotta be until I pass out.

Today I had to lie to everyone at work about what happened to my eye. Uggggg!

What am I going to do? I just feel so much like I am never going to make it through this. I get a period of sobriety... sometimes a week, sometimes a couple or three months and off I go again.

I am such a focussed driven person in so many areas of my life, but THIS I can't get my arms around.

I am so depressed. I haven't even looked my husband in the eye since this happened. Tonight is going to be rough because we usually go out to dinner on Tuesdays. What is wrong with me?

It's nice being able to talk honestly here and not be judged.

Gilmer

Keep reading and posting here before you pick up the next drink, Elle. When you are tempted, post here instead of indulging the temptation. You will make it if you have a lot of support.

I have found the monthly class threads very encouraging and supportive. Even when life is in the dumps, and I want to deaden my sorrows with alcohol, I find that i would not want to let this bunch on SR down!

biminiblue

Aw, sorry about the black eye.

There is a way out.

For myself and all other alcoholics, moderation isn't an option. Sounds like you are coming to the same conclusion. All or nothing.

Not drinking is by far the easier softer way. I hope you put it down for good this time before you lose something important - like your husband or your job or your life...my friend's mother died when she fell on the edge of the coffee table.

PurpleKnight

Hey ElleDee, I'm with you on the passing out, moderation isn't my strong point either, I went round in circles for a long time,

I guess the question is what makes you pick up a drink again? where do you think it is going to lead or do for you? I had to get the point of accepting that nothing good will come from picking up that 1st drink, the 1st drink opens the door to disaster and so it needs to be kept firmly shut.

Are you getting enough support? SR is great but what about those times you're close to drinking, is there any other forms of support you can call on to get you past that craving?

It sounds like an awful experience these last few days!! But we're all here for you!!

ultradad

Hi ElleDee,

I used to wake-up after every night of drinking and wonder where the cuts and bruises came from. My wife and kids would have to tell me what happened. It was a very humbling and shameful experience! I'll be honest, I would promise my wife after each episode that I was done and every two weeks or so I'd be repeating the same scenario. I finally hit bottom and someone told me to go to AA and I did, I haven't had to drink since! It works for me and I know it'll work for you. We can make all the promises we want, but without actions our loved ones will never believe! They told me when I went to AA that I never had to feel that way again so I'll share the same with you...You never have to feel this way again!

Pulling for you!

Nonsensical

Been there, done that. Hit my head a few times, too.

There is a much better life waiting for you - GO GET IT!

DisplacedGRITS

Hey ElleDee! Ah, the mystery bruise. i know them well. I find it funny that you said you were doing okay before you hit your head. Were you really doing okay? Really? Come on...if you are like me, you've been in a small private hell of secrecy and fear. I think you were doing terribly before you hit the table. After the fall, whether you knew it or not, your life got a heck of a lot better. We can only hide so much from our loved ones and the rest of the world. Eventually, the physical manifestations of our alcoholism become evident and we must confront our problems. That shiner is shining an undeniable light on you now!

Look on this as an opportunity to be catapulted into recovery. Be open and honest with your GP. Don't make promises to your husband. Just tell him what you are doing right now for your sobriety, not what you're going to do. That way, he can see you immediately taking action and making progress. He doesn't want words, he needs actions. Come on here and continue to post and share. We are a strong community and it's great to have you here.

Congrats on your accident. It just may have saved your life!

ElleDee

Thanks so much to all of you. I just got home from work and was met with a person who won't even look at me. It hurts so bad... I know my behavior has hurt him too so I can't feel sorry for myself.

I do need more support than I've been getting. I'm not a huge fan of AA but mostly because I didn't believe I had a problem so I hated saying it at the meetings. But I've gone in the past and have some AA friends. I'm going to go tonight and try to go as much as possible. I'm going to be honest with a friend of mine who has been like a sponsor. I haven't "lied" to her per se but I haven't told her things. Now I will. I know she won't judge me.

I have some reading as well. The book "Kick the Drink" was really working for me until... well... I stopped reading it.

Keeping busy has worked in the past. I have hobbies waiting for me and the weather is good for walking.

I do have trouble figuring out what causes me to pick up that first drink. First, I keep thinking I can handle it. Or I think well I'm not hurting anyone if I drink and fall asleep on the couch in the evenings, what's the big deal? I've also had sort of a f* it attitude, nobody is going to tell me what to do with regard to my husband. He used to drink and had a problem and quit one day and never picked up again... that was over 30 years ago. He has ZERO empathy for me and can't understand why I haven't done the same. He said "relapse" is "psycho mumbo jumbo" but he smokes pot every day. I guess that's okay because he hasn't fallen down and cracked his head on something... BUT THIS IS ABOUT ME, not him. I can't be concerned with what he's doing or use it as an excuse to drink. Long story short, I have equated fun and relaxation with plopping down on the couch at night and catching that certain feeling. At the times I wanted to drink and didn't have any in the house I felt like my life was a big bore. Also like I do nothing that's exciting. I thought I so enjoyed my evenings with Johnny Walker and the tv set. I hated the thought of giving it up.

My health is starting to be affected by the booze. I have some liver thing going my GP can't figure out and has sent me to a specialist (I see in July). She came out and said it wasn't caused by alcohol (she did some sort of blood test) but she didn't tell me it was okay to keep drinking either. So like I said earlier, I will be frank with her tomorrow. She will see my big black eye and ask about it.

I'm trying to not beat myself up and instead just do something about it but yet I feel like such an idiot.

I am so grateful for this website. Sorry for being so long winded.

Gilmer

The more support you get from all sources (AA, SR) and your friend whom you're going to share everything with--the good, the bad, and the ugly--the better you will do. People who care can often provide the pull and voice of reason that you need when the going gets tough.

It may take time, but eventually your husband will see that you have truly changed and will warm up and trust you again. I know from my own experience!

least

I hope you get back to meetings and get any other support you can. Stopping drinking is hard to do, and even harder on your own. Any time you want to drink, come here and post instead. I hope our support can help you stop drinking for good.

501BeautyQueen

This is so unfair.

A great friend of mine had this same exact problem. Her mister loved weed and she loved drink and he hated and berated her drinking but would smoke himself into a pleasant oblivion not understanding why she drank so much. I'll tell you what I told her - he's got his own thing he's into which isn't all that different. I'd ask him to try to clean up off of the weed for a bit. He'd be a bit more empathetic!

Long story short, she was able to get him to attempt it, and, as expected, it was just as hard as her struggle with alcohol, and he was more understanding. Now, she's sober, and he's more supportive (though, I do believe he's back to being persistently stoned.)

I wish you all the best, Ella. I wish I could hug you! You can get off this, sister, I know you can, because

doggonecarl

"I can live without it. I have proven that over and over but I can't seem to make the sobriety stick."

Do you not see the contradiction in that statement? When you can't live without it, when your decisions to quit fade under the first onslaught of craving, quitting FOREVER is the only option.

Nonsensical

Johnny Walker gave you a black eye last weekend. Time to put a restraining order on his behind and move on.

The old me can relate to everything you wrote, but once you get free from the obsession to drink you'll realize it's one big lie. It's gonna take a few months of complete abstinence, but once you get that first taste of true freedom you'll wonder why you waited so long to get it.

Whatever it takes.

ElleDee

Oh I know you are right. Um, I can't handle it. I can't drink at all. It's better to get off this roller coaster and just quit, period. Whenever I go back I think it will be different. Like how many times before I learn?

Sunny5165

Dont feel so terrible about this. You are definetly not the only one that has hid your drinking from a partner. Ive done it to everyone of mine. Ive even gone to AA before and lied to my sponsor and received my chips, then go right to the bar. I came to realize that when im sober and drinking, im 2 entirely different people and sometimes my drunk evil twin is just too persistent when she wants to come out and play. Its some kind of internal struggle im still trying to figure out. I hope your husband can understand why you did what you did. And im sure everyone can relate to waking up with mysterious black and blues. That really stinks when that happens.

bigsombrero

Sounds familiar. I used to sit alone, happily single in front of the TV and drink all night. I thought it brought me joy. Then it became an all day long thing. I started getting sick. I also suffered mystery bruises and health problems. Seizures.

I understand not feeling like there's a way out. In my case, I needed to go to rehab - a scary thought for you, I bet. I am also betting AA scares the crap out of you...but something needs to change. Peer support, as freaky as it sounds, is a great way to start.

What about finding other "exciting" things to do? What do you like to do? Photography? Cooking? Travel? What is one event that you'd do - and be able to enjoy without a drink in your hand? Start doing more of that...make it happen, don't make excuses.

It sounds like you can quit for a short time period here and there. But unless you cut this cancer out of your life, it will come back and likely be the end of you. Take action. I can tell you've had enough...welcome and all the best.

Nuudawn

...ya..sorry that just kind of leapt off the page at me. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Anyhoo..can't really add to much to the load of great advice and empathy already offered. In a drunken stupor, I fell 25 feet off a retaining wall in the early 90's...landed feet first on hard cement in cowboy boots. Crushed both my heels. Had to have reconstructive surgery. Spent 3 months in a wheelchair. Made quite a ruckus in the emergency rooms...still kept drinking. Only minor injuries here and there since then..but ya...a black eye or two.

Isn't drinking fun?

Really glad to hear your off to a meeting. Right now ...your hubby will likely to be of little empathy and support. But I'm pretty sure you can some of that at AA and here at SR.

Welcome.

ElleDee

It starts out "fun" but gets you in the end I guess. I DID go to a meeting, just got back. It was a meeting I've been to before an like the guys there. I am so glad I went. I started crying and fell apart a little bit but it felt good to come clean and nice to not be judged. I drove out of the parking lot and just had a sense that everything will be okay. The sun was setting and as I was driving through this big park near my house I saw some deer.

That was instead of laying on couch getting wasted. Now I just have to keep remembering and doing these things. The folks at the meeting told me about a a good Friday night meeting where there are other females so I'm going to check it out this week.

DayTrader

As I was told just prior to stopping, ".....ya know Mike, there's a world of difference between 'not drinking' and being in recovery."

I too used to say, "I can do 'not drinking.'" And I'd prove it every once in a while by going a week....maybe a month.....6 months one time....and not drinking. I thought that meant I could handle "not drinking" and that not drinking equaled real sobriety. Of course, I could handle not drinking so well that I'd end it by drinking........ so could I really handle it? ha....boy, I sure thought I was.

One thing that really helped me a lot was learning that for a real alcoholic, it's not that you can't ever stop.......it's that you can't STAY stopped.......and even when you can do that (stay stopped) it sure isn't enjoyable. And let's be honest, if it's no fun, why continue with it? What I couldn't do was just what any other alkie couldn't do......live life sober AND happily. Kinda like being able to control my drinking AND enjoy it. I could control it, but I wouldn't enjoy the experience. And when I was enjoying my drinking, I sure as hell wasn't controlling it.

Learning that if I be alcoholic, the symptoms of alcoholism will hit me hardest when I'm NOT DRINKING was a big-time revelation too. I used to think that being alcoholic meant I'd be drunk all the time. What it means to me is that when I'm dry.....without an overhauling of how I view, perceive and act in this world......my life is unacceptable to the point where I rationalize that next drink in the mistaken belief or hope that this time it'll be different.....only it never was.

Finding a new way to live in sobriety....and to find how to do it AND be happy, content and at peace WHILE doing it.......that became my focus.

The answers were all around me but until I was willing to admit what I was, how I was really doing and until I became willing to start taking some actions I really didn't want to take, I couldn't see or recognize them as such. For me, there was a great amount of relief and pressure that seemed to come off me when I finally got honest with myself.

Tamerua

Welcome! Sorry to hear about your eye and your husband not even looking at you. But it is great to hear you went to a meeting! It will make you feel like your taking the reigns in your recovery, which you are.

Keep coming back here too.