ElijahNoahColt

Hey guys just wanted to pick your brains over something that's been bugging me lately.

I'm almost at 7 months sober and I'm in a relationship with someone. The drinking is actually not much of a problem anymore, things are a lot better and I'm trying to deal with the issues that led me to self-medicate with alcohol. Basically depression and social anxiety. I'm coming on leaps and bounds with this and I am observably happier with this new lifestyle.

Anyway, the girl I'm dating has anxiety too and she has low moods and I'm always pretty stressed about the whole relationship. She is really closed-off and doesn't share her thoughts and feelings with me so I'm never certain where I stand. We don't talk very often and only see each other every other week. If she had a problem she wouldn't tell me and since she's so closed-off I always think something is wrong and this annoys her. There isn't much affection and any act of affection is always from me and not her.

I often worry that I've done something wrong and I'm sometimes convinced that she doesn't like me that much. I've tried to do everything to make her more comfortable so she'll open up but it hasn't really worked.

The low intensity of the relationship means that I can focus on myself and working on my issues which is great but I just feel a bit unappreciated a lot of the time. If we don't speak for a long tine that doesn't really bother her and when we're together it feels like she doesn't really enjoy herself.

She said that all of these things are down to her anxiety but even on good days there isn't any love there. I feel like I'm a dick for feeling this way because she says she can't help it and I've definitely had my fair share of mental health problems so I can relate, somewhat.

I just want to get myself better, as selfish as that sounds. My own well-being is number one priority to me and I honestly have no idea what to do. She says that if she didn't like me we wouldn't be together but I just get down sometimes because I feel like relationships are about feeling appreciated, respected and cared for. I know that's quite soppy but I get the feeling I'm intruding on her alone time.

Thanks for reading, I know this was long but I needed to get it off my chest. Any advice would be brilliant.

PurpleKnight

Relationships can have problems regardless of whether recovery and addiction are contributing or not, this seems like an issue with the dynamics of the relationship and your own personalities.

I learnt a while back, that if you have to force a relationship into something that it's not, ie your not happy with how she doesn't open up and she's content with not opening up, she doesn't like talking that much and you want her to talk more, these are bad signs for a relationship, as you can't make someone into something they're not.

I've been in relationships that I tried to fix/mould into something I wanted, rather than sitting back and realising this is what it is, this is who the person is who I decided to go out with, I guess the term compatibility eventually comes into it, in terms of your always on edge, worrying about how the relationship is going and she doesn't see anything wrong.

I feel for you, as I've been there in the past!!

Jupiters

it does sound like you are both on different pages in terms of what you are getting/seeking from the relationship. Are you able to communicate that with her at all? or she really doesn't want to talk about it?
If you are walking around constantly wondering if you have done something wrong or if she is really into you, you may want to start asking yourself
some hard questions
is that what you want? what you need? do you think this is something that can be fixed? and most important...do you WANT to fix it?
some relationships just aren't meant to be. as much as it sucks at the time. it's just how it is.

doggonecarl

The beginning stage of a relationship is to determine if you have shared values, if you are right for one another, if there is chemistry, a spark. You have been dating seven months and don't feel she communicates with you, you feel unappreciated, unloved. If it's not there in 7 months, why is more time going to change that?

Time to move on and find that person who can provide what you are looking for...IMHO.

Gottalife

Alcoholics are about the worst possible source of advice on relatioships. I dont know what you should do. I suggest you pray about it, and listen for an answer.

Aellyce

If she has anxiety that's blocking her and affecting how she can enjoy life - has she tried to seek help for it? There is also something not-so-positive in a relationship where someone remains constantly anxious - ideally, it should be the opposite and we should relax each-other.

Relationships and our perception of partners often change when we sober up, just like many other things in our life. I had my experience with this, so many unexpected things. If you think the relationship is worth it, give it some more time maybe and think about whether you could accept and value her as she is, whether this person is compatible with you and your desires. If the answer becomes a confident no, maybe what Carl said: move on.

Anna

My feeling is that you should be content with the way things are. If not, then you need to stop and step back and question yourself. If you continue in a relationship with the idea of 'if only she would be appreciative' or 'if only she would be more caring', then you are likely setting yourself up for disappointment.