LadyBlue0527

Hard: Making the choice to quit drinking
Harder: Full acceptance of the fact that in order to succeed that choice must be unconditional.
Hardest: Finding a way to be happy about items 1 and 2

The ongoing question from people is:

When am I going to stop obsessing about not being able to drink and stop being mad and resentful that other people get to do it and I can't?

When the first two conditions above are met if you don't work on the third the answer to that question is never.

In the beginning it's inevitable that you're going to feel this way. You will lament about the loss of your buddy. You will resent people when you see them sitting and laughing because they get to be with your friend and you don't. The more you focus on the hardest part of sobriety the less you'll feel that way.

I can be realistic, over a year out and do I still feel that way once in a while? Sure. Not to the degree that I did in the beginning though and it's nothing more than a fleeting thought. Now I'm more relieved that I don't drink when I am about to attend an event.

If you're more than 3 months out and you aren't seeing any changes yet in feeling that way the question isn't when will it stop. The question is "what are you doing to work on recovery?" That's when those feelings will stop.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. True sobriety isn't quitting drinking and acceptance. True sobriety is quitting drinking (or using), accepting that fact, and finding a way to be happy about it.

FreeOwl

I agree heartily to ALL of the above, and sitting just off the 6-month mark, I can say that it really DOES get better.

Do I still sometimes feel that way? Sure. But I find it passes quickly.

Now when I see my "buddy" out with others, I tend to look at him more with a sort of mixture of pity and relief rather than jealousy.

I see a guy who is exemplar of a role I no longer want to play - and in fact at the deepest core of ME, never wanted to be in the first place. While I will still occasionally feel a sense of loss, it comes with the recognition that what I lost was actually a gain. It's like looking back on a toxic relationship with someone I loved, but with whom I was deeply unhealthy and never would have been able to attain my own highest good.

It's good.... really good; this Sober Path.

DoubleDragons

LadyBlue, you hit the nail on the head with this post. I am almost nine months sober and it is really feeling more and more natural to be a non drinker. The newness to it all is wearing off and that feels great!

KAD

Thank you! Really great post!

Weasel1966

Thank you for that LadyB. That's some good insight and what I needed to hear this morning.

Ken

LadyBlue0527

Thanks all, periodically I start to see a sameness in posts on the board from people who are really struggling and who are far out enough that resentment and anger shouldn't be a daily event.

FreeOwl, this is great!

The above is SO true! We all like to discuss how the loss of our DOC is like breaking off a bad relationship. We lament, we are angry, we even resent the people who still hang out with it.

However, and anyone who has made it out of a bad relationship and gets far enough out, there does come a day that you say "What the heck did I ever see in that?"

How much more parallel can you get? This truly does happen. You just have to get yourself far enough away to see it.

huntingtontx

Hi Lady, I loved the post and agree 100 percent. I went back and read a lot the posts you started. You were just ahead of me when I came to SR so I have followed your posts since day one. I love being a non drinker, not that I never think about a drink, but this last year has been so good, I don't want to go back. Thanks for posting. You have helped more people then you realize.

IOAA2

G Mornin Lady. You have that great way of putting words together in a simple understandable way!
Excellent post and ideas. It seems that so much emphasis is about getting alcohol free and very little regarding long term sobriety,recovery, there is little wonder about so many relapses. So many don’t appreciate that the alcohol is like the iceberg and most of recovery is fixing what is below the surface that causes our being only dry.
One of my greatest benefits with sobriety is that most of the time it’s being comfortable in my own skin feeling.
BE WELL

LadyBlue0527

Thank you for this I feel the same way about you.

I can't even begin to find words for what every person on this board has done for me. There isn't a post that I've read that I've not learned from. A very large part of my success in sobriety is a compilation of all that I've read on this board. If I can even return 10% of what I have received that's a great feeling.

MIRecovery

There is a line in the big book that has always stuck with me, "The notion that we can ever drink like normal people has to be completely smashed"

This one line is a corner stone of my recovery

Cathryn2001

Brilliant post!

PurpleKnight

Great post!!

Nuudawn

Wonderful post my friend. Thank you.

silentrun

I thought this was going to be about something else.

HeadLump

Great post as ever, LadyBlue

I remember being devastated when I found out that my first 'true love' had been unfaithful to me. But when I started to see him as he really was, I wished he hadn't waited 5 years to do it! I could have spent those years with someone who really loved and looked out for me.

I feel exactly the same way about drinking. I love my sobriety and am immensely grateful for it, but can't help wishing I'd done it decades earlier

EndGameNYC

Thank you, LadyBlue. Your comments are routinely inspired and inspiring.

adee

I love this post. I spent a lot of time in previous sobriety attempts in a space where I felt like I had a right to resent "normal" people and their ability to drink for as long as I damn well pleased. This time I spent a lot of time on acceptance of my condition and that has made all of the difference in how I feel. Six months out, I do still sometimes crave the experience of being one of the crowd - drinks after work, a glass of champagne at the wedding etc. But it is fleeting and I always come back to gratitude and utter relief. I'm going on vacation next week - an annual family deal w/ extended family that historically is just a drink fest from start to finish. I feel like I have this massive reprieve this year that I don't have to drink. What a gift to have the quiet mornings by the lake to myself, to be able to cook and enjoy good food, to actually get some true R&R in, rather than return home more exhausted than I left.

I guess the only thing I would differ in what you described, is that for me, I reversed the order of hard, harder, hardest. It gets easier to find gratitude the more I invest in complete acceptance.

Thank you for a wonderful post.

courage2

I spent a whole year on SR in 2013 not drinking and not finding a way to be happy about it. I relapsed. This year, and I'm 4.5 months in, is about finding a way to be happy about it. I'm getting there. It's a whole different ballgame.

Thanks LadyBlue!

DoubleDragons

The thing to remember, too, and that I am much more cognizant of now that I am sober, is that there are plenty of people who drink alcohol, who probably shouldn't be drinking it. There are a lot of normies drinking, but also plenty of "us" still drinking and heading to disaster.

Soberpotamus