So confused :(
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Bromley
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So confused :(
Hi all,
My partner is addicted to coke he may only binge on it a few times a month it is ruining his life and now affecting mine.
To cut a long story short he started to see a drug councilor in February but he has relapsed twice in 3 weeks this month. Things are that bad that he now constantly lies to me where he is or who he is with. Thursday night he went to work and came back about 9 and smelt of drink glassy eyes ect I asked had he taken anything he said no! About 40 mins later he's phone rang he had to work he told me he had a job to go to and he would be back soon!! About 30 mins later I called him,he switched his phone off and I knew he was on coke again! I worry sick all night and now I've lost days at work because of this. I lie constantly to people because I'm ashamed to say what really Is happening so now my work are on my back for having time off ! Anyway after sitting up all night He came knocking at the door at 5am in a right state and he had driven on his buzz. When I started asking questions he blamed me for his actions because I had asked him if he had taken something when he didn't. Later on when he was on his come down he said I did it because I haven't seen my councilor he told me he had sat in his van and brought some coke because the job he first went to invited him to have a beer to watch footy and he happened to have coke my partner took some of the guy then wanted more. He told me their was no second job he phoned his self so he could go out and get more. He told me he sat in his van by himself and brought £80 worth and took it. This has happened other times he has gone missing for 3 days lied said he was on his way home but never showed up. I've had women answer his phone before where he was out with friends of friends and they were all taking it. My birthday party he turned up high and started accusing me of stuff. Me and my friends see him kissing another women and he denied it and I constantly get accused of cheating ect when I don't leave his side when we Are out. We currently live at my parents house and they are at the end of their teather with him where he treats me and their house like shi#. He has promised he would stop so many times and he doesn't I'm 28 and I feel like he is ruining my life and his now where he won't stop. When he's relapsed I get presents and all the sorrys and promises but then it happens again. He's family don't really seam bothered I've kicked him out before he went to his sisters for a month told me how he's changed so I took him back now this again
he has spent all day in bed feeling ill and I'm sure it's cos of the coke he's Blaimed it on food he ate but I'm tempted to get him to go a&e and blood tested and find out the damage he has caused his body from this stuff!!! I feel so scared and alone that he's going to end up dead or causing a accident. He really doesn't no when to stop and he's spent so much money on the coke. Please if anyone's going though the same or has advice please reply.. 
My partner is addicted to coke he may only binge on it a few times a month it is ruining his life and now affecting mine.
To cut a long story short he started to see a drug councilor in February but he has relapsed twice in 3 weeks this month. Things are that bad that he now constantly lies to me where he is or who he is with. Thursday night he went to work and came back about 9 and smelt of drink glassy eyes ect I asked had he taken anything he said no! About 40 mins later he's phone rang he had to work he told me he had a job to go to and he would be back soon!! About 30 mins later I called him,he switched his phone off and I knew he was on coke again! I worry sick all night and now I've lost days at work because of this. I lie constantly to people because I'm ashamed to say what really Is happening so now my work are on my back for having time off ! Anyway after sitting up all night He came knocking at the door at 5am in a right state and he had driven on his buzz. When I started asking questions he blamed me for his actions because I had asked him if he had taken something when he didn't. Later on when he was on his come down he said I did it because I haven't seen my councilor he told me he had sat in his van and brought some coke because the job he first went to invited him to have a beer to watch footy and he happened to have coke my partner took some of the guy then wanted more. He told me their was no second job he phoned his self so he could go out and get more. He told me he sat in his van by himself and brought £80 worth and took it. This has happened other times he has gone missing for 3 days lied said he was on his way home but never showed up. I've had women answer his phone before where he was out with friends of friends and they were all taking it. My birthday party he turned up high and started accusing me of stuff. Me and my friends see him kissing another women and he denied it and I constantly get accused of cheating ect when I don't leave his side when we Are out. We currently live at my parents house and they are at the end of their teather with him where he treats me and their house like shi#. He has promised he would stop so many times and he doesn't I'm 28 and I feel like he is ruining my life and his now where he won't stop. When he's relapsed I get presents and all the sorrys and promises but then it happens again. He's family don't really seam bothered I've kicked him out before he went to his sisters for a month told me how he's changed so I took him back now this again
he has spent all day in bed feeling ill and I'm sure it's cos of the coke he's Blaimed it on food he ate but I'm tempted to get him to go a&e and blood tested and find out the damage he has caused his body from this stuff!!! I feel so scared and alone that he's going to end up dead or causing a accident. He really doesn't no when to stop and he's spent so much money on the coke. Please if anyone's going though the same or has advice please reply.. 
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Bromley
Posts: 9
Hi,
I stay with him because I love him and when he's not on the coke he is perfect I thought I could help him and it would be alright. But I go through this at least once every 8 weeks sometimes more. He begged me to help him and admitted he had a problem went counciling and he was getting better. Then he's started again
I stay with him because I love him and when he's not on the coke he is perfect I thought I could help him and it would be alright. But I go through this at least once every 8 weeks sometimes more. He begged me to help him and admitted he had a problem went counciling and he was getting better. Then he's started again
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Sweetie I'm an addict. That's what we do. He can get clean if he wants to. You cannot love him into it. I would break away and let him clean up if he wants. In the meantime, you take care of yourself. You can't help him and it is not going to be alright. I'm sorry. Please move on. Read around here about some of the people who have done or are doing what you are doing. It just doesn't work that way. Sending prayers to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Hi,
Thank you for that honest comment I think I needed to just hear it from someone who knows what he's going through. Cos he tells me the things I wanna hear and I live my life thinking he is going to change because he said he will. But he never does! I'm so thankful for your honesty it means so much I know what I need to do.
Thank you for that honest comment I think I needed to just hear it from someone who knows what he's going through. Cos he tells me the things I wanna hear and I live my life thinking he is going to change because he said he will. But he never does! I'm so thankful for your honesty it means so much I know what I need to do.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Leggyloo, I hope you find the courage to take very good care of yourself. This relationship sounds pretty toxic to me and it might be a good time to put some space between you while he works on his issues and you work on yours.
My son was the perfect son and gentleman when he was clean and sober. When he used he lied, cheated on his girlfriend of the day, stole, lied some more, went to jail, didn't learn his lesson and went to jail again, did rehab and relapsed many times, and he did things that he would never have done clean...the thing is, he was never clean long except for one spell that lasted 3 years.
Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to put his back together. Take a good read around and you will see that this could be a very long and rough journey for each of you.
Whatever you decide, I am glad you found us and I hope things get better for you soon.
Hugs
My son was the perfect son and gentleman when he was clean and sober. When he used he lied, cheated on his girlfriend of the day, stole, lied some more, went to jail, didn't learn his lesson and went to jail again, did rehab and relapsed many times, and he did things that he would never have done clean...the thing is, he was never clean long except for one spell that lasted 3 years.
Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to put his back together. Take a good read around and you will see that this could be a very long and rough journey for each of you.
Whatever you decide, I am glad you found us and I hope things get better for you soon.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Bromley
Posts: 9
Hi Anne,
Sorry to hear about your son I bet that was a horrible time for everyone. Your all totally right I can't make him change only he can do that. I'm going to have a chat with him later and say I think it's best if he goes back home and if he stays clean we're see what happens but for now I need to put my life first. Thank you for ur advice ladies
Sorry to hear about your son I bet that was a horrible time for everyone. Your all totally right I can't make him change only he can do that. I'm going to have a chat with him later and say I think it's best if he goes back home and if he stays clean we're see what happens but for now I need to put my life first. Thank you for ur advice ladies
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Leggy,
Welcome to the Board.
Raider and Ann have asked the correct questions and have shared their experiences with you, so there's little I can add.
But what I will say is I'm empathize with you. I, too, had to miss work because of the addict in my life. And while I didn't have to lie to my friends about what was going on with my AXGF, her mere presence in my life certainly made my relationships with my friends more difficult. The addict and their baggage, if you allow it to, will completely take over your life.
And for what? How is this any benefit to you?
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're obligated to go down in flames with them. Especially when that person lies and cheats on you.
It is time...far past time...for you to start thinking about what is best for you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board.
Raider and Ann have asked the correct questions and have shared their experiences with you, so there's little I can add.
But what I will say is I'm empathize with you. I, too, had to miss work because of the addict in my life. And while I didn't have to lie to my friends about what was going on with my AXGF, her mere presence in my life certainly made my relationships with my friends more difficult. The addict and their baggage, if you allow it to, will completely take over your life.
And for what? How is this any benefit to you?
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're obligated to go down in flames with them. Especially when that person lies and cheats on you.
It is time...far past time...for you to start thinking about what is best for you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Bromley
Posts: 9
Hi zoso,
Thanks for the advice this has helped so much just speaking to different people. I am a teacher so it's even harder for me to tell work what's been going on because it will make my job so complicated although sometimes I've gone into work with the weight of the world on my shoulders..
I just tried opening up to him and explaining what he's doing to me I broke down in tears and all I got was I'm sorry I will change. He didn't batter a eyelid and I've now got my answers he won't change and he doesn't care. So I need to be strong and walk away and look after number one :/
Thanks for the advice
this has helped so much just speaking to different people. I am a teacher so it's even harder for me to tell work what's been going on because it will make my job so complicated although sometimes I've gone into work with the weight of the world on my shoulders.. I just tried opening up to him and explaining what he's doing to me I broke down in tears and all I got was I'm sorry I will change. He didn't batter a eyelid and I've now got my answers he won't change and he doesn't care. So I need to be strong and walk away and look after number one :/
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: keighley west yorkshire
Posts: 5
hi leggyloo im going through the same things with my girlfriend but shes on harder stuff i know your pain of weather to give them a chance (for the millionth time) or go and live your own life, it took me completely splitting with my gf for her to realise what she had and was doing sadly shes completely relapsed and now im stuck with what to do. Now he can only stop you cant do it for him and hell have 1000 reasons why he cant and why he relapses but he needs to sit down and look at his life, seriously ill give you the questions iv asked my gf and myself,
do they really love you?
Why have you tried to support them when they just hurt you
why cant they see the pain there causing
and its a stupid one but you need to know why they do such a destructive thing
as a minimum id write him a letter saying how you feel, what hes doing to you, all the pain hes causing and what you need from him. Then tell him you want a break for a month and if he truly loves and cares about you hell take a look at his life.
As for your work iv been there with them asking questions when they can see theres a problem i told mine i was going through some personal problems but you do need to find someone to talk to there are some services for people like us contact the rehab center he went to and see if they can refer you anywhere local
do they really love you?
Why have you tried to support them when they just hurt you
why cant they see the pain there causing
and its a stupid one but you need to know why they do such a destructive thing
as a minimum id write him a letter saying how you feel, what hes doing to you, all the pain hes causing and what you need from him. Then tell him you want a break for a month and if he truly loves and cares about you hell take a look at his life.
As for your work iv been there with them asking questions when they can see theres a problem i told mine i was going through some personal problems but you do need to find someone to talk to there are some services for people like us contact the rehab center he went to and see if they can refer you anywhere local
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Posts: 9
Hi,
Thanks Freddy. It's a nightmare aye? You feel isolated don't ya like you are on your own watching them get a buzz why your planning on how to deal with their consequences! I've tried a letter even took him to counciling sessions he went to a few was improving and fell back to his old ways. He's friends are all coke heads too so they really don't help where he has his own company and they don't work they encourage him to get on it stay out bod he pays for their gear £500 in one night 2 months ago. It's mental how they can't see what they are doing to loved ones. We sound like we're going through basically the same. Sorry to hear about your girlfriend you sound like u really love her it must be breaking your heart watching her destroy her life I bet she is lovely when she's not on drugs like my partner is and that's what makes it hard to cut ties with them. I've been with him 2 and 1/2 years we were planning a future at one point then he re lapsed so I said no way I'm not putting a baby through what I go through he even said that will be the thing that makes him change but minor willing to fall for more crap. The lies are out of control at the moment he tells so many and theirs always a excuse or someone else to blame for his re laps usually me. We're not dealing with it on our own anymore theirs people on here to offer supportable sure you remember that
Thanks Freddy. It's a nightmare aye? You feel isolated don't ya like you are on your own watching them get a buzz why your planning on how to deal with their consequences! I've tried a letter even took him to counciling sessions he went to a few was improving and fell back to his old ways. He's friends are all coke heads too so they really don't help where he has his own company and they don't work they encourage him to get on it stay out bod he pays for their gear £500 in one night 2 months ago. It's mental how they can't see what they are doing to loved ones. We sound like we're going through basically the same. Sorry to hear about your girlfriend
you sound like u really love her it must be breaking your heart watching her destroy her life I bet she is lovely when she's not on drugs like my partner is and that's what makes it hard to cut ties with them. I've been with him 2 and 1/2 years we were planning a future at one point then he re lapsed so I said no way I'm not putting a baby through what I go through he even said that will be the thing that makes him change but minor willing to fall for more crap. The lies are out of control at the moment he tells so many and theirs always a excuse or someone else to blame for his re laps usually me. We're not dealing with it on our own anymore theirs people on here to offer supportable sure you remember that Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Leggy, I have lived your hell. I know all to well what it's like to sit up all night worried about can addict because he hasn't come home and of course he has his phone turned off, most addicts have their phone turned off so we can't get in touch with them.
I echo Raider, Is this really how you want to live your life? What happens when your parents have had enough and throw him or both of you out? You will then be fully supporting him and trust me that is no fun. I too was ashamed to tell my friends and family what was really going on. Oh, they knew something was wrong because when you are under this amount of stress, it shows in your actions and on your face. When i finally opened up I felt instantly better and relieved. I no longer had to keep this ugly secret. Of course people encouraged me to leave but I wasn't ready to do that yet because I just knew that I could help him.
Fortunately one day while frantically searching the internet on how to help a drug addict I came across this forum. It was divine intervention because the advice I received here and the tough love led me to alanon. Alanon and this forum literally saved my life. I ended up leaving my addict after being married to him for five years. It was tough and i wont lie it has damaged me in more ways then I can ever express. I'm still not healthy enough to be in a relationship with anyone but I'm getting better day by day and you will too. Please feel free to go back and read my past posts and you will see what life is like when you choose to stay with an addict.
Keep posting here, you are in the right place
I echo Raider, Is this really how you want to live your life? What happens when your parents have had enough and throw him or both of you out? You will then be fully supporting him and trust me that is no fun. I too was ashamed to tell my friends and family what was really going on. Oh, they knew something was wrong because when you are under this amount of stress, it shows in your actions and on your face. When i finally opened up I felt instantly better and relieved. I no longer had to keep this ugly secret. Of course people encouraged me to leave but I wasn't ready to do that yet because I just knew that I could help him.
Fortunately one day while frantically searching the internet on how to help a drug addict I came across this forum. It was divine intervention because the advice I received here and the tough love led me to alanon. Alanon and this forum literally saved my life. I ended up leaving my addict after being married to him for five years. It was tough and i wont lie it has damaged me in more ways then I can ever express. I'm still not healthy enough to be in a relationship with anyone but I'm getting better day by day and you will too. Please feel free to go back and read my past posts and you will see what life is like when you choose to stay with an addict.
Keep posting here, you are in the right place
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