Angelina1982

Not completely caused it but I'm convinced it played a part on his self centered ness, selfishness and feeling a need of entitlement on a regular basis.. His mom was his friend first then his parent and she us more co dependent than they come.. That's where H learned his people pleasing co-dependent behavior. Yes, I agree that addiction is a disease, however I also feel as though many other things can play a part.

zoso77

Who made the decision to try drugs?

Angelina1982

He did but considering alcoholism runs in his family and they were giving him sips of beer at 9 I think they triggered it at a young age.. His mom used him as a therapist friend and then the mother son role came in.. Obviously it's his choice, I'm just saying.. They played a role

zoso77

I understand where you're coming from, and I saw your other post describing your AH's relapse. I'm sorry that this has happened, but I'm also glad you took the time to post about it. So allow me to respond here with some of my own background and history.

My AXGF's parents were, frankly, batsh*t crazy. Both alcoholics (though the father was into hard drugs as well), both unstable...hardly the sort of people that should be bringing children into this world. Maybe the writing was on the wall for my AXGF, too. She often said to me, "I became a junkie just like my dad".

Looking back at it with clear eyes, and having been through Al Anon, she was looking for sympathy. And in the moment, I gave it to her. Except, of course, she didn't deserve it.

When we grow up, when we become responsible adults, there are always forks in the road. Your AH, after 5 months, came to a fork in the road. And he chose the road with the most negative, destructive consequences to him. His mother, as f**ked up as she may be, has nothing to do with that. The fact that he took his first drink at 9 years old has nothing to do with the decision he made to pick up again.

My AXGF decided to eat a Fentnyl patch one night and allowed died. Is that her parents fault?

I believe the most powerful enemy to someone in active addiction is accountability. Being responsible to yourself is hard work and requires brutal honesty. I encourage you, for example, to seek out posts by AnvilHead, for she, IMO, best illustrates someone that has done that work and self assessment. Don't look at your AH's mother. Look at him. His life, his decisions, and his consequences.

Hope you stick around for a while.

Vale

>>>>>Zoso wrote>>>>>>>>>>>

I believe the most powerful enemy to someone in active addiction is accountability. Being responsible to yourself is hard work and requires brutal honesty. I encourage you, for example, to seek out posts by AnvilHead, for she, IMO, best illustrates someone that has done that work and self assessment. Don't look at your AH's mother. Look at him. His life, his decisions, and his consequences.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hear, hear!

allforcnm

I can understand why you feel this way, and I agree. Parents have an awesome responsibility to their children. If his parents were giving him alcohol as a 9 year old child… this is neglect and abuse… It also sounds like he grew up in a home where there was a great deal of dysfunction and he wasn’t taught proper coping, communication, or healthy relationship skills. Instead he learned to cope by using substances.

Im sharing a quote below. I read it recently on our Newcomers forum. I saved this because it reminded me of how our children grow (I have a 2 year old). I feel parents are responsible for starting the garden to grow, to give it a firm foundation, and plant seeds that will flourish and provide needed life skills. If a parent doesnt do this, or isn’t capable of doing this… and the child doesn't get help somehow... then the garden grows filled with weeds…. i.e. poor life skills….

As an adult, we have to tend our own gardens, but obviously it takes time to pull out weeds that have been growing for many years, and learn how to replant seeds, tend to the garden, nurture self and learn new life skills.

“Whatever grows in your life is what has been planted there, what has been nurtured, fed and given time and attention.

What is growing there? What is it that has been planted in your one beautiful, precious life?

Have you carefully planned the rows of fruits, vegetables and flowers? Or are things growing there that blew in with the wind? Are weeds taking over?

It is never too late to weed your garden, and now is the perfect time to pull out the dead things, the unwanted things, the overgrown things, and make room for the new growth you are so badly yearning for.

Take a moment today to see what is truly growing in your life, and whether or not there is room for the things that you most want to see the fruits of.

Be brave enough to pull out the unwanted things and get your life ready to lay the seeds of your wildest dreams.” (from Brave Girls Club)

There is also a really good book called “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts” and it talks about trauma underlying addiction.. trauma can be things that happened which should not have happened, or things that didn’t happen but should have happened when we were in our developmental stages.

Ann

On behalf of all mamas here and as a mama myself, my son's addiction had nothing to do with me or how much he was loved. Addiction happens in even the best of homes, children of wonderful parents can become addicted to drugs, and children from terrible homes do not have to turn to drugs as a solution.

In the end, the decision to use drugs or not, to continue using or stop, or to stay stopped or relapse, rests with the person using drugs and only them.

Angeline, my heart goes out to you and yes, giving alcohol to a 9 year old is irresponsible and quite frankly stupid, and pampering an adult active addict does him no favour.

But in the end, it is what it is and it is up to him to make the decision to stop using and pursue a life of sobriety...or not. He does have a choice and he is an adult so can make whatever arrangements are necessary to seek help and use it. Salvation Army rehabs are free, as are meetings in every city in every state.

I really hope that one day soon he reaches out to find a better path of sobriety.

Sending hugs to you because I know all this hurts your heart.

hopeful4

Ultimately does it matter why? Who to blame it on? The actions are still the same.

I would say the majority of addicts have underlying mental issues of some sort. While that is terrible, it is a fact. The only thing a person can do is come to terms with it and get help, or they continue to use and be mentally ill. That's the only two choices.

Hugs. Put the focus back on you, and your wants and needs.

XXX

sojourner

I would like to see this thread shut down because the parental blame game is starting, especially by parents who do not have a child who is struggling with drugs/ alcohol.

Sojourner

Needabreak

Sojourner, I agree. I think it's outrageous that people post on this board insinuating that parents, or other friends and family members are to blame. I mean, I get that some people feel overwhelming sympathy for addicts, but come on. These posts are cruel and totally lacking compassion.

zoso77

Speaking solely for myself, I'm not offended by all.

Mind you, I do not agree with Angelina's premise -- that somehow, her AH's parents and specifically her mother-in-law are partly to blame for his condition. But I understand why she feels that way.

The way I look at it, recovery of any kind is a long arc. I'm quite a ways down that arc, but others, like Angelina, are somewhere at the beginning. And my hope is she gets to the point where I am, meaning accepting that individually, the addict is responsible for his/her life choices. And come to think of it, the rest of us are, too.

Anyways, my $0.02.

GracieLou

Sounds to me like his mother is a narcissist and he is half narcissist half addict.

Neither are to blame for the other just as you are not responsible for either.

Let them own their own problems.

zoso77

BranBran?

BlueChair

They say if posts trigger us then just step away is the best option. We are here for the OP and to share our thoughts with her on the subject. We dont all have to agree, and wouldn't it be strange if we did anyway?

biminiblue

...and sometimes families just cannot see that they did have a part in it.

Denial is real for addicts and others.

MamaCas

In my situation I'm not the parent of the addict and I will admit I have gotten very angry with his parents. While I don't blame them for his addiction, I do think a lot of their actions (or lack of) have made it easier for him to use. As I've reflected on the last year I've realized they were scared of what others would think, of losing their son, of not being in their grandson's life, etc., totally understandable. I guess they could say my husband and I did a bad job raising our daughter since she got pregnant by someone she barely knew? Believe me, I've spent a lot of time thinking through that one. Bottom line, parenting is a tough job. We should all support each other knowing that, for the most part, we're all doing the best we can.

Seren

Since people are clearly being triggered, this thread is now closed until it can be reviewed by the forum moderator. Perhaps it's time to move on and offer a newcomer the light of your experience and strength.