Serper2014

This is probably going to be my most honest and heartfelt post. So I would really appreciate any advice, but generic "it will get better congrats on being sober" posts aren't going to be helpful here. (I'm just saying) It's not going to get better unless something changes.

I didn't drink throughout college. Maybe once a semester. I was shy and kind of had low-self esteem. Especially when it came to women. I never acted that way though, quite the opposite. I was a mediocre guy and I had a mediocre girlfriend and I think we both knew it. When she dumped me that spun me into drinking. I couldn't believe she dumped me. My self-esteem was crushed and began to drink to numb the pain. She was my first real girlfriend and I didn't know how to deal with the break up. I was pretty shattered and slipped into a clinical depression for about 10 months. I was drinking around 3-4 nights a week and that seemed to really help, maybe it didn't, but I thought it was helping at the time. As I came out of the depression, I continued to drink. That is when something happened. I developed a "I really don't give a ****" attitude when it came to most things. I kind of liked it... So for around 2.5 years I was having crazy nights, I was confident, I was able to attract women. I was never a jerk, but women could feel the confidence and the vibes I was putting off. I didn't need them. I had my beer. I didn't need anything if I had my beer. For some reason this is really attractive to women and I was able to be with women wayyyy out of my league. Now that I'm sober, it's amazing to me that those things actually happened to me. I had a really good time drinking and being that person. I went through 3 breakups and countless freinds with benefits "endings" Ill call them... while drinking and I didn't even blink... I was like ok...see ya! Good luck with everything... and I meant it! 12 days of being sober. I feel like I've gone back in time. I'm sitting at home, missing obligations, desperately texting my ex (the recent one, not the one from college) to meet up with her. I don't sound desperate in the messages, but I feel that way sending them. I've been this guy before...women can smell the desperation... Overall, sobriety has been great. I look better, I feel better, I've lost 6lbs. But mentally, I've lost all my confidence again. How can I be that person again without drinking? I miss that aspect of myself. I really miss walking through my day thinking "I don't give a ***" How do I get that back. I'm not tempted to drink because I know drinking one night isn't going to bring that guy back. But man I loved that version of myself. I don't really like the sober version of me...he's kind of a *****...any help?

ScottFromWI

You asked for advice for an honest and heartfelt post, so I'll give an honest and heartfelt answer: I honestly think that this issue has nothing to do with your sobriety at all. You seem to view relationships with women as some kind of conquest - what specifically makes a woman "way out of your league"? Long term relationships have nothing to do with how outgoing you can be at a social function or how glamorous the mate you attract is. They have to do with who you really are as a person and meeting someone who really cares for you as you are. You also can't control when that happens or where it happens - it will just happen. It might be tomorrow and it might not be for 10 years.

Regarding your confidence, anxiety and depression could still be a problem there. Have you seen a counselor at all to see if those issues need to be addressed? Remember that many of us simply ran away from those issues by drinking - but they still need to be addressed once you get sober.

doggonecarl

You don't like the sober you...sounds like no one else cared for the drunken you.

I can't tell you how to put the swing back into your d!(%, but if you can't tell that you are going to be a better person sober than you were as the "don't give a fork" person you were drinking, I don't know what to tell you.

Except maybe you aren't the confident jerk alcohol made you. Accept it.

ultradad

My only thoughts are that there is a HUGE difference in being sober and being recovered from this disease. If you are an alcoholic I don't really think things get better in much of our lives; self-confidence, depression, insecurities and such until we get involved in a program of recovery. There's a saying that a dry drunk (someone who has stopped drinking, but not in recovery) is a miserable person! I know when I would stop on my own for a few weeks or so I would be a complete A-hole and stayed so stressed, insecure and desperate!

My experience has shown that once I accepted that I indeed was an alcoholic I found an AA meeting, got a sponsor and started working the steps. Today I'm not perfect, but I like the person I am now WAY better than the old 'drinking me'. I am way more confident and and at peace...it comes from working the steps...

Trust me, you can be that same confident person without alcohol and not only that, you'll be a better, more sincere and happy person! Takes a bit longer than 12 days, but get involved in a good 12 step program and do the work...you'll never be the same again!

Mentium

Some people believe that quitting drinking is only the beginning (if you want to stay stopped that is). Many people drink to suppress pain, anxiety, hurt and unpleasantness. Many also developed bad habits and hurt people they care for. The person you discover you are when you get sober, warts and all, I firmly believe, is the raw material for the person you can now chose to become, free of the burden of alcohol addiction.

Serper2014

Thanks for your post scott. Maybe I do view it as a conquest. I don't know. What makes a woman out of my league? Nothing except for the fact that I believe she is--a lack of confidence on my part if you will. I agree with what you said about long term relationships to an extent, but last week when I met with my ex she said "When I met you you were this really exciting and fun person, but once we got serious It seemed like you stopped doing things with your friends you stopped going out...you just lost something and it was a combination of that and my family that made me break up with you" I said to her "well I quit drinking...I stopped going out because I didn't want to drink ..."

So I was losing that quality even earlier in the year when I was still drinking but not daily... By the way scott created this post and I had forgotten that my ex even said that to me. Maybe anxiety and depression are still here, but I don't think so... I haven't been anxious since I quit... and I've been pretty happy since I quit...today is the first day where I'm not so great... thanks for your input, means the world to me

Soberpotamus

You simply don't need a person like this as your partner. She speaks for herself here.

Oozing confidence and sex appeal isn't what I see as being characteristic of early sobriety. Hang in there.

Nuudawn

Water seeks it's own level. These women had no better self esteem than you did. You weren't confident...you were just deeply distracted by your booze. The women you attracted didn't like themselves any more than you like you. That's the way it goes..

Confident women...healthy women...would have run from you like the plague.

nmd

If I've found one thing as I get older is that life has a way of humbling me. If I find myself judging other people in one way or another, when it comes to be my turn to be judged (and it always does), its all that much more painful.

People who spend a lot of time judging others and their worth as a person are often the hardest on themselves. People are people. Everyone has worth, feelings, desires and goals. Saying one person is mediocre and another is out of your league I think is more telling of how you feel about yourself (which you also freely admit).

[/QUOTE]

It's one thing to not care what others think of you and to feel confident in yourself, and another thing to not care how your actions will hurt others. I think you want to not have bad feelings about yourself, but you described not caring about what others felt based on how you acted.

The best way I've found to feel better about myself has been to try to stop judging others and to try to be caring of their feelings.

Serper2014

Yeah maybe I'm not... I was never a jerk, well at least not to my ex. However, there were lots of girls before that and in between that maybe I was a jerk to. I don't know...there are too many nights I don't remember.

I definitely agree. That is why I'm here. I'm willing to put the work in. I'm willing to learn about myself. I don't know about formally doing AA and doing the 12 steps, but I'm here on the forums willing to work.


I liked this a lot. You may be right. Now that I don't need to drink every night
I have the rest of my life to become whoever I want to be. Thanks for this.

ScottFromWI

I was very much like you when I was your age Serper. I was a party animal, very popular with the ladies when I was in college. I was very successful at meeting women as well, or so I thought. The problem was that at the time I defined a successful relationship as meeting a woman/girl mainly by whether or not we had sex. And the way I did it was mostly to get drunk at bars and meet women who were also there for the same reason. I'm not proud of it at all but it is what it is and it happened.

The way we are different is that you have decided to make a change in your life and quit drinking almost 2 decades before I did. You are still very young and have your entire life before you, so many opportunities to grow and learn - I hope you can take advantage of them.

PurpleKnight

We are all going to have to learn how to be ourselves without alcohol, and that means regaining that confidence about who we are, something we found artificially in a bottle, most of us used alcohol to suppress the things we didn't like about ourselves, but now this is living in the real world, addressing those feelings and problems head on, which is a far more healthier way to conduct life than bottling (excuse the pun) it all up and brushing it under the carpet.

The journey of Sobriety for us all is a huge learning curve, relationships, dating, sex etc etc, it's all going to be different, but it can be done!!

Serper2014

Yeah I have to remember that everything is going to be different now.