Bdrign

I have quit and relapsed so many times. I can't keep living this way. Finances in a bad spot, amount consumed continues to rise, etc. I'm starting on my final detox. I am not giving into temptation anymore for hydrocodone. I am taking around 100 mg a day, habit is about a year and a half old. I can't keep living my life like this. I'm going to change it this time. No excuses. Looking for a few (even just one would be great) to hold me accountable. Need someone to talk to when it gets tough. I know what's coming and that's not what scares me. It's the anxiety and feeling of boredom that follows the physical part.

Dee74

Welcome Bdrign

I have no experience with hydros abut I know you'll find support here.
Glad you found us

D

Mamahawk

Hi there. I know what's coming to and I know you can do it. 30 days ago I quit a 20 year habit cold turkey. I took much higher doses. I know if I could stop so can you. It takes strength you don't know you have, but you do have it. Do you have any questions? Do you have support? I will be there for you. Keep posting on SR. Don't lose touch here. The people here will help you. They know what it's like. They know things you can do to survive. It's been my lifeline.

Mamahawk

You are so smart to realize it's getting out of control because I promise there is no end, no limit to this. It will keep at you until there is nothing left.

Mamahawk

Someone showed me this when I first came and it hit home. I have the same drug if choice as you.

PILLS

I destroy homes, tear families apart,
take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold,
the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold,
and if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.

I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
but if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,
but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms
will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate from friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always, right by your side.

You'll give up everything your family, your home,
your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
the voices you'll hear from inside your head,
the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see;
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me,

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
that you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
but you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen. Many times you were told,
but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master; you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? Its all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

cleaninLI

Welcome back! Remember me Dear friend?

You can do this....you did it before...multiple times....so you can do it again. It's what you need to do differently after detox....a few weeks down the road....that is what matters.
Do you need some face to face support? How about NA? Going to meetings? Getting a sponsor? Working the steps?

Bdrign

Of course I remember you clean. I am going to try to do this without face to face help but if it's necessary then I'll have to do it. NA may be necessary. I am dreading the next few days. Can't wait until physical stuff is over. At least then it's all mental. That parts harder but at least there's pain with that part.

I just have to stay focused and not let my guard down.

Thank you everyone for your help. I need you all right now.

cleaninLI

Ok, we are here with you buddy. You can make it thru! Sorry you are sick! I know it sucks!

Mamahawk

I'm here! We got you! You will have more support than you know what to do with! You sound like I did when I quit 31 days ago. NO MORE. Don't let a year and a half of your life turn into 20 years like it did for me. You are strong. You are a fighter. You are in control of your life, not a pill. Your addictive voice is going to try to lie to you. It's going to try to make you think you WANT a life filled with pain, loss, heartache and misery. That you want to lie, deceive, sneak and hurt yourself and those you live. But you know you don't want that. So you will learn to tell your AV one simple word...NO. Stay strong and let us know how you feel. We are here for you.

Bdrign

Thank you all. Tough day at work. Been using Imodium and drinking a lot of water. Hopefully I can sleep a little better this time. Can't wait until this is over. Blah.

Mamahawk

It will be over before you know it. You have done it before so you know you are tough! The diarrhea always hit me hard. It's awful. But you have got this!

Mamahawk

Look at how ling I was addicted and see your future if you don't do this!!! 20 years. Yiu done want to lose 20 years.

Bdrign

I definitely want to eliminate it now. I know every day makes it harder to quit. I'm exhausted can't wait to go to sleep . Hope I can. I hate that weird taste in your mouth and smells when you're detoxing. Anyone else experience that? Good night. Day 2 tomorrow.

Mamahawk

I had serious issues with my mouth that almost drove me mad! But it went away. Stay strong!

cleaninLI

Bd hope you're doing ok! This is what day 3 or 4? You should be at the tail end of it now. Be strong....I hope you're getting enough sleep! Drink lots of water!

I found I needed to cut off my supply. I know you did at one time.....dealers can be real jerks when you want something...but the moment you tell then you don't want it anymore.....they suddenly owe you a few.....they are just as cunning as your AV. They want to keep you coming back. Whatever you have to do to get him off your back you gotta do.

Bdrign

Day 2. Feeling bad. I cut them off again. Sorry for not writing much. Don't feel like talking much. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow. Going to try to get some sleep.

finaltime

Hang in there. Can you listen to speakers? Last night I was having a bad night and when to xa speakers . org on my phone. Went to the NA part and listened to a guy from california for over an hour. It really helped. I didn't feel so alone. When I was detoxing this last time I was freaking out and I knew it was all mental. As much as I didn't want to share with anyone and do it on my own, I had to reach out. I called the local NA here in China and this lady (who is now my sponsor) came to my apartment. Literally she sat with me for hours, listened to me cry and i knew I was just detoxing. I knew i would be okay in a few days but those days when the meds are coming out is brutal. We are sick and need help. If you are like me, I couldn't' do it alone. I still can't and know that I never can if I want to be successful. And the beauty is we don't have to be alone. There is people out there that can help, just like SR can help. But SR wasn't enough for me I needed face to face and even with face to face its not enough I now have to dig deep within my soul and take action if I want to stay clean. You are doing the right thing, just know this passes. I am here for you if you want to chat. I didn't sleep for 13 nights when I detoxed in APril.

SweetDreams

Congrats on your decision Bdrign, you sound determined.

The mental part was the hardest for me, the ennui and lethargy were killer in my early attempts to quit (I have a low tolerance for psychic pain, hence the self medicating) and caved repeatedly. I researched PAWS and while not fun reading, it did prepare me for what to expect. I started an antidepressant, one that worked on the dopamine receptors, quit drinking, limited caffeine and refined sugar and took lots of the B vitamins, anything to put soft bumpers around my poor abused brain and I accepted that feeling bored and unmotivated with everything in my life was a by-product of the abuse. Stick with it, it's so worth the work! I think in a way I needed to go through the experience of depending on a drug to make me happy to finally understand how to do it myself.

Best wishes to you.
SD

Bdrign

Day 3 starting out ok. Don't feel as bad this morning. Definitely wish I could take off work but there is too much going on. Didn't sleep well at all last night. I have some melatonin pills. Anyone used melatonin? Does it work. Thanks everyone for your support. I love this site

cleaninLI

Good morning bd! I'm glad you're feeling a little better! I think you are on the downward swing now! The worst should be behind you. Get thru this day and I think tomorrow will be a much better day!