jarp

I am so angry at myself. And feel defeated and sad.

After standing strong since the weekend, with AH out of the house and my resolve standing strong I crumbled. I am so angry at myself and don't understand what the hell I am doing.

On Thursday he came home whilst I was at work, took a few sleeping tablets and went to bed. By the time I got home he was well and truly under and I left him there.

Last night he comes home and acts like nothing has happened. I asked him if he remembered our 'altercation'. No he didn't. I told him the whole story which I wouldn't normally do. He called himself a few names, but in that self pitying way.

And then it happened. It became all about how unhappy he is, how he is smothered by me, our family, our home. That he is sick of taking care of me and the kids (he earns money but has no other responsibilities at home). That he has no power, no control, ive taken away everything from him. That hes sick of passive aggression towards him constantly. That he no longer cares, and he is sick of never being taken into consideration. That I always put the kids first and he is sick of it.

He kept citing a situation a few weeks ago where he wanted to go eat at a Vietnamese restaurant...on. Friday night, everyone was exhausted, one kid doesn't eat Vietnamese food (hates it and will sit there with just plain rice) and he's half drunk, on edge and wants to go out to dinner...with three kids, and I just knew it would end in disaster so I said no. That's his example of being placed last.

But those words.....I don't care, stop speaking right now or I'll leave you, I don't care, I am this close to leaving" I don't know, it totally took me back to being a child. My brain was screaming "say, GO GO if you are not happy please GO BE HAPPY", but I was a snivelling doormat of a baby. And sat there snivelling so he could ridicule my 'hangdog. Look'.

Realistically I know it was quacking, his projection, his need to get the upper hand. But what if he is right?

He's not going to get treatment, he admits he is an alcoholic but has no interest in changing that.

What the hell is wrong with me?? Seriously.

It's like I am waiting for the next big blow up so I can kick him out...I'm too cowardly to do it in a moment where he is 'sober'. And he knows just the buttons to press and I LET HIM.

This is just a giant vent....I'm so frustrated with myself.

LadyinBC

Just want to give you a big hug.

SadWife7

I wish you luck & strength. To me, putting the kids first is the best thing you can do. The only time that is a problem is when one parent puts the kids first, and the other doesn't. You bring them into the world, you have to take care of them.
I don't have much to say, usually i'm in the family of substance abuse forum but nothing new there so popped in here, just wanted to show support...Sounds like you are a good mom. Now you just have to accept that you are a good mom and f*ck him for making you doubt it....is it possible there is some passive aggressiveness due to him being an alcoholic that doesn't want to change that, and provides no support other than financial within the home?? Hmmm I wonder why there would be passive aggressiveness in that situation!!
As far as kicking him out...I had no experience with addiction before my marriage. I went to a few al-anon meetings, and it seemed like a common theme was that people in there were with alcoholics, and they had an alcoholic parent, so my take was that it was what they saw & knew, so that's what they married. I don't know anything about your situation besides this post, or how old your kids are, but in my own situation I worry about that a lot. Kids see things, and it's hard to know the right thing to do, but sometimes the right thing is leaving & removing that negative influence from their lives. Again, I'm not saying it's what your situation requires, just wanted to throw it out there. (I have had a difficult week with my husband, so feeling a little...I don't know, I guess pessimistic today, so keep that in mind if I offended in any way!!)

Missus

He sounds like my AH's long lost twin brother - the poor me speech, the ideas about what he wants to do regardless of anyone else and the tanty when no one leaps around with joy at his suggestions...

And the sense of defeat you feel when you just give up from the wave of talking that just won't stop until you've admitted it's all your fault.

I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom for you, except to say don't be too hard on yourself - you've been bullied into feeling this way, but it's not thru anything you've done. Sending long distance hugs to you

dandylion

jarp----I hear you doubting yourself. It seems to be common that when one is engaged in a relationship where they have been disrespected, bullied, threatened---treated "less than" a person of value---they start doubting their own reality!!!!!!!

If we happen to have any chinks in our own self-esteem to start with---they smell the blood in the water and go for our soft underbelly!

Jarp......you have to trust what you know---not the desperate words of a drunk. You are responsible for what happens to your life and the care of your children. You can't afford to play second fiddle to someone else--especially a brain that is incapacitated by addiction to alcohol.

Of course, it hurts to have someone treat you like he has been treating you---don't be ashamed of that----but, above all--DON'T BELIEVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

CodeJob

Jarp, recognizing what is going on in the moment itself is a big realization. It will help you eventually break your cycle. Be gentle on yourself as you are learning a new path forward.

HopefulinFLA

What Codejob said... At least you recognize the dynamic here. Being aware of how you react to him is knowledge, knowledge is power, power to take positive action.

Not so bad after all?

hopeful4

Jarp, i hear someone who is tired. Tired of the conflict, tired of it all and tired of what the conflict turns into. You know in your heart what the right decisions are, you just need strength to carry them out. Dont question what your brain tells you, and dont let misplaced feelings or guilt trips get in the way if what you know to be true. His quacking is an attempt to deflect blame from himself. Tight hugs, i hope you get some peace today.

Hawkeye13

More hugs

You're just worn out from all of this.

It will be OK

Hammer

So buy him a cake for his Pity Party.

Here is the deal. Try to break it to the Princess very gently.

jarp

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a title less doubtful of myself, but it still went though my head today after reading the SR boards ..what if we've ALL got it wrong?!

I do know my reactions relate to my abandonment issues....I have to get a handle on them. They are not more important than my kids.

I suppose the only good thing is that AH isn't drinking at the moment.

Another reason for his vitriol I suppose.

And thanks for the laugh hammer.....I think that all the time (first rule of being an adult/ parent).....

I'm still feeling rightfully sh*tty with myself. I'll get there.

dandylion

jarp.....seriously.....exactly what do you think that 137,166 of us all have wrong??

dandylion??

NYCDoglvr

It's good to remember that it's progress, not perfection. Don't beat yourself up for being human... Recovery is a process (for me, two steps forward and one step back). A big hug. You're doing great!

jarp

I know I am a complete idiot.

It's like my head says one thing and then the evil whiney voice in me says another. And whilst the 'head voice' is strong and smart, the evil voice seems to be what influences me the most.

So what this whiney, evil voice says to me is "maybe AH is right.....maybe you have taken so much from him, maybe you are crap to be in a relationship with, maybe the drinking isn't the problem, maybe it's you".

Then 'head voice' says "you are craaazy Whiney Evil Voice. He had these issues long before you...and no they are not a problem for him, but hey are a problem for you, and the kids. It doesn't matter if you are crap to be in a relationship with, he chooses to respond by drinking, and raging, and being abusive. Think of all those folks on SR, think about their stories and how you marvel at how similar so many of the stories, the scenarios, the quacks are...how predictable your AH is. It's him, not you. Even though you have your issues, you didn't cause his".

Evil Whiney Voice then replies...." Yeah well.....maybe SR is a bunch of people who are all crap to be in relationships with and maybe it's just a group of people supporting each other with self perpetuating rubbish about how it's 'all their AH's fault'. Like a bunch of alcoholics all sitting around telling each other they don't have a problem with alcohol".

I know EWV is wrong...I KNOW that.

I wish he'd shut up, and I wish I'd stop letting him influence me.

At work I am always told how strong I am, and rational/ logical, that I can always be relied on to think through the core if issues and give really considered advice. That I am intelligent and an mentor to younger women. That i remain unflustered, am resilient, self confident. This is from my review yesterday.

I almost laughed out loud and thought, if you could only see me at home.....

schnappi99

I have a Codie Voice too. I can go from feeling good to convincing myself that she's pulling away and wondering if this is the beginning of a relapse on the basis of her yawning at the wrong moment. Once those crazy flywheels start spinning it takes some determined program work to slow them down.

Not an idiot. Fellow sufferer.

HopefulinFLA

I hear ya schnappi! I can predict the next binge and all it's horrible life altering consequences based on AH's tone of voice.

I wish my damn hamster would stay off it's wheel.

It's just so ridiculous.

greeteachday

I hope you can read your review aloud every day to a mirror. Let the real you - the strong, inspiring, amazing you - hear those words and banish the Evil Whiney Voice for good! Picture the wicked witch...I'mmmm mmmmellllltttttinnnngggg...

dandylion

Dearest jarp---LOL...not for a minute would I suggest that you not do a critical analysis about other people;other groups;other points of view;other philosophies, etc. I believe that we need to do this to protect ourselves and to be able to make our own authentic decisions...and not become pawns to others.

I evaluate all ideas, myself for authenticity and "truth".....

I was just CURIOUS as to your thinking.....

Guess what?......you answered me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL.

dandylion

findanotherway

Jarp, you are certainly not an idiot! Anyone who can look at an issue that feels so black and white with that level of complexity and depth is certainly no idiot!

I think that what you are going through is what so many people here are going through. The ambivalence about wanting to leave and not wanting to leave. The push and pull that is normal in our lives. And, your AH is also feeling that, he shows you the ambivalence when he can admit that he has a problem with drinking, and that he's not ready to do anything about it.

There are so many things that you did well with your AH, it's important that you see that. You told him what had happened, and you didn't attack him. He came back and said things that were hurtful to you weren't being a "snivelling doormat of a baby", rather you responded as most of us would to being berated.

You have no reason to be frustrated with yourself. You need help and skills to help deal with him! You should take a look at the Partner's 20 Minute Guide, it will give you a lot of hints and specific skills about how to deal with a situation like this. What you (and everyone on this forum) is going through is so tough, it's impossible to do it without having some skills.

Keep that image of yourself as the rational, caring, intelligent, strong woman that you are. Call upon her and think about how you would give advice. There is hope out there.

Praying

This thread makes me smile because I often joke that nobody has any idea how many people are in my head...and no, I'm not schizophrenic. But trying to line up clashing perceptions and realities with an open, analytical mind leads to some amazing internal discussions.

One thing I finally asked that made a difference to me as he convinced me I was awful:

If I am the problem, why doesn't he solve it by leaving? If I KNOW that my leg keeps getting cut open because the chair I'm sitting in has a nail sticking out...it doesn't take too many sit-downs to decide to sit somewhere else. I don't keep sitting there getting sliced and telling everyone how awful my chair is. That would be ridiculous!

The answer- that I knew even then deep down- is because I wasn't the problem. If we went our separate ways he'd still be stuck with himself. I'd get to be with me.

And the darn nail isn't even in the chair--it's still sticking out of his very own leg!