adultchildofalc

after my dad recently relapsed briefly (after twelve years sober) my brother is threatening to cut him completely out of his and his you sons life unless he completes a thirty day impatient treatment. Does this seem to be a healthy way to go about getting him to agree to treatment or over the top.

NWGRITS

It shouldn't be about convincing him to go to treatment. It should be about what's in the best interests of the children and your brother. If you're expecting this to push dad into rehab, good luck. Stop focusing on him and focus on yourselves. This is very unhealthy behavior. Do any of you attend Al-Anon? It would probably help you greatly. When I cut off contact with my AM, it was for *my* health and my children's. My mother is toxic and I refuse to expose my kids to that. I went No Contact with no expectations of my AM. It was about US, not HER. If you're not doing it for the right reasons, you're going to be sorely disappointed and it won't last.

SparkleKitty

Sounds like your brother has a strong boundary for what he will and won't accept in his and his kids' lives. It doesn't sound like a manipulation tactic to me as much as wanting what is best and healthiest for himself and his kids.

lillamy

You can see this one of two ways:

1) It's a way to give your dad an ultimatum in the hope that he will go to rehab and get sober;

2) It's a way for your brother to protect himself and his young son from the negative aspects of dealing with an alcoholic.

The first, while tempting and seeming to make sense, usually doesn't have the intended consequences. And, as Grits points out, could be interfering in the life of another adult by attempting to control and manipulate him into behaving the way your brother wants him to.

The second is a healthy way of dealing with a problem, I think.

I would not set an ultimatum for an alcoholic. I would put a boundary in place. Instead of saying "go to rehab or I won't have anything to do with you" I would simply say "as long as you are actively drinking, I will not interact with you." An ultimatum, you don't have any control over the outcome. A boundary, you have all the control. Over what you do -- not over what your father does.

adultchildofalc

thanks for the replies. it seems to me the boundries option is the way, as i have a young child myself. i dont want him around if he is not actively sober. period. i do not have anyone to discuss this with, but thought my brothers whole idea was a bit off base. He seems very angry. not compassionate at all. it seems this route would push him away, not pull him in (if that makes sense).

m1k3

I know this sounds harsh but you have to do what is right for your children.

Your father has the right to drink if he wants to and you and your brother have the right to not put your kids in harms way.

Even if he does a rehab it doesn't mean he is in recovery.

As for your brother being angry that is to be expected. He is hurt and feeling rejected that your father choose drinking over him and his children.

Your friend,

inpieces314

Yeah, so my mom did this to my grandfather years ago, to force him into rehab. NOT for us to be safer...we never saw him drunk anyway.

It didn't work. We did not see him for a decade. And me personally, the second I turned 18, I went to see him (well, I did many things as soon as I turned 18 but that was one of them). I don't know about my siblings.

My mom really thought that not seeing us would keep my grandfather sober. I don't know why, we didn't see him that much anyway, only at holidays. But your bottom is YOUR bottom, no one else's, and when he did get sober, the reason had nothing to do with us.

I am not saying the situation is the same, my mother has serious issues from being an ACOA and she refuses to admit that she even IS one. But if we were actually in harm's way from being around him drunk, her actions would have been easier to understand. So I think it all depends on him and how he affects the children.

adultchildofalc

he had been sober for years. One afternoon, out of the blue, my brother found him alone and drunk. A few of us had suspected for a few weeks something was going on by his lack of motivation, but it was never substantiated. he immediately got it under control (that was ~3 weeks ago) and has a very supportive girlfriend, who is on the same page as us, and is in constant communication about the issue with us. i know there are some issues (high stress -moving out of state+retiring, etc) that caused the relapse, and that those have to be dealt with and i want him to have treatment. However, none of the grandchildren have ever been around him drunk. or drinking. i guess this is why i am having such a hard time dealing with this approach.
it really does help to discuss this with people who can relate.
Thanks

hopeful4

I guess it depends on his motives. If he is using this as a way to manipulate him to go to treatment and won't follow through with his consequence, I feel that is the wrong choice.

However, if he is simply tired of addiction in his life and the risk of it being around his children, he has every right. Boundaries are for yourself, not for the addict.

If it was going on for weeks there was likely some lies and covering up that went on with it. I cannot help but hurt for all of you as those things are hard to deal with coming from someone you love. It may be that he just knows he cannot go through this again and wants him to get help.

I would encourage you to do what is right for you, do what you can to encourage sobriety without controlling anyone else. The choices each person makes is up to them.

Good Luck!