I sit and try to build strength
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
I sit and try to build strength
I met my ABF about two and a half years ago. He was not drinking at the time. He had gone through a divorce. He got a DUI and his wife kicked him out and they divorced. He lost the house. He sees his son every other weekend. He quit drinking. He had to go to classes due to the DUI, and they said that he was an abuser, not an alcoholic. He said he didn't want to drink and keep his Sh*t together. I took his words. I trusted his words. He lives in my home town, in which I plan on moving home when I can save enough money from my own divorce. I was here, he was there. I go home every two to four months to visit him, but we stay in very close contact, talking four to five times a day. During this time, he has told me that his wife had been having an affair on him. He would read for hours and hours and hours about Narcissism. She was narcissistic. Then, maybe it was she was going through menopause. Then maybe borderline personality disorder. Over and over. He said she was narcissistic and that is why she married him.... to get the house, the baby, the car, and when she was done with him she just threw him away. He said over and over again his abusing alcohol was his coping to deal with her narcissism. He said his behavior did not change when he was drinking. He said she married him for a status. He is a very good musician in the area.
I would sit and listen... I fell in love with this man that had been so hurt. I listened. We would talk about anything and everything. I listened. He is a good man. He was so kind. He made me laugh. I enjoyed his company so much.
When he divorced... first he lived in his Aunt's house. She had passed and the cousins were going to sell the house so they asked him to live there and fix up the house before they sold it, in exchange for rent. That lasted for eight months. He didn't drink. He then moved into a house with his older brother that is 16 years his senior. His brother is an alcoholic. (His sister is as well but has not drank in years, and his father was one before passing.) He would call me in a rage of anger at his brother. His brother would drink daily from about 11 in the morning until he went to bed at 11 or so at night. He would say, this is such a wake up call... I never want to be like him. I never want to turn out like him.
When I would go to see him, he would make comments at dinner saying, the good news is, someday we will be able to sit and have a glass of wine with dinner. I would tell him, that I didn't need wine with dinner... I really like coffee. He would say, I had a dream last night, I was at the lake working on my cabin all day and sat down with a cold beer to watch the sunset. At this point we would talk about how it was ok for people to drink when it was in moderation and not a lot... but now and again, as long as they were not driving, it was ok.
I went home last summer. We met some friends for dinner when he picked me up from the airport. That is the first time he ever had a drink with me. I didn't drink... he had a drink. I will never forget it. It was a blue moon beer with orange slices. He drank it and seemed fine. He had a second... he seemed fine. We left and stopped at the store to get a few items.... coffee creamer, etc that I would need on my visit since it wasn't in his house. And there, we picked up a bottle of wine, and a 12 pack of Corona. Wine for me, Corona for him. Upon returning home.... I had a glass of wine, and he had a couple of corona. We went to bed.
We planned a bbq with about 20 of our friends to come over. I got up early Sunday morning and started cooking. His family had a lot of property right there on the river, He got on the lawn mower and started mowing. It took him hours. Every 30 to 45 minutes or so, he would come in for another beer. This started at about 10 a.m. . By the time our friends got there, he was pretty buzzed. The day proceeded. He finished off 17 beer... and I finished my bottle of wine, minus one glass I had already had the night I arrived. Since I do not drink often at all... it got me pretty drunk. As for him... the same, but more so. We went to bed and passed out around 9 p.m. .... so not us, we usually stay up late. The next morning we woke up. I didn't feel sick, nor did he, just kinda that hangover haze you get. We spoke about it and we were both shameful about how much we had drank. I do not drink often at all.... and I kept thinking, if my kids were around, would I have done that? The answer is no. He said he let a lot of people down and he also did not want to drink like that.
He bought a new house at Thanksgiving time. It is a cute house. Things really started to change then. He has a couple of buddies that come over on Monday nights to record music. He started to drink with them on Monday nights. Our relationship was still strong. However, when he would call he would be different. I could tell he had been drinking. Nothing really bad, but I could tell. So when he told me all that time that his behaviors didn't change when drinking, that was a misconception. Then, on Thursday nights he practices with his new band, and they drink. On Friday and Saturday nights, he plays in bars, and he drinks. So four of the seven nights in a week he is drinking... and when he come home from work he has what he tells me is a few drinks. He still says his diagnosis is that he USED to abuse alcohol, as when he quit he never had the shakes or needed medical attention. I still trust him with that. He used to make sure his old band only played once or twice a month, as it would not disrupt his visitation with his son. He is now on his fifth week in a row playing each weekend.... having to shuffle visitation around. Where he said, he would never drink and drive again, he is now drinking and driving. He says it is only a few.... I am worried.
Not long ago, about a month or so ago... he had to call into work sick. He called me and said he had eaten too much taco bell the night before and thought he had food poisoning. When he called me back later on in the evening he said he had gotten into some really bad habits, such as eating comfort food etc. It wasn't good for him. The next day, he said, I have been reading a lot about relapse. He said that he needed to quit drinking. I told him how proud I was of him. I told him he was wise. I was trying to be very supportive and comforting. I told him I like us better when we are not drinking together as I like to enjoy my time with him and not waste that precious time on alcohol.
For the past month, I have been his whipping post. He has been so condescending about anything and everything that I say. I don't know what I can say or do without him blowing up on me. I have taken it like a trooper and tried to just realize he is hurting. He says he is mad at all he lost in his divorce. He goes on and on about his wife leaving him due to an affair. There is no proof of an affair. She says she got into the relationship after he left. He used to take ownership of his drinking (when he wasn't drinking) and now, he never does. It is all her and he is the victim. When I tell him we all have some part of ownership in the breakdown of a marriage, he gets so cynical and calls me Dr. Laura.
I always text him when he is playing and say, make good music, have fun, and get home safe. That set him off. It used to not, when he was not drinking. He says I am like his mother.
The other day he said he was dealing with a lot of unresolved anger. I told him that I think some of that anger is spilling over upon me. Two days later he calls, after being passive aggressive for a couple of days and not calling and stating he didn't think he could do this long distance relationship. I reminded him that there was twice I was planning on leaving here and moving home, (into my own apartment) and he told me not to as I should stick to the plan and have a saving built up due to not having a job when I get there, etc.... He then said, I am not ready to open my heart up to anyone... not you and not anyone. WHAT? We have been together two and a half years? He has already opened his heart up to me. I asked him if he was ending things.... He said, I am not sure, he had to process. He said he feels he is co dependent on me.... tried to accuse me of the same. I am not co dependent of him. Do I love him? Yes, but I am dealing with my issues here, on my own. Nobody can fix my issues but me. I know that. I asked if he was breaking up with me. He said, he wasn't sure, he needed to process and he would call me on Friday and we would talk. He did call Friday, during his lunch and said he would like to call that night where we could have a conversation. I said I worked that night. He said he would call me on Saturday afternoon. Friday night... I got rushed to emergency from work. I felt my hands and face going numb, my heart was racing, and everyone thought I was having a heart attack or a stroke. I could barely lift anything at work and I felt lethargic. I was in the emergency room until 4 a.m. or so. I came home and went to bed. The doctors did not want me working yesterday as well, just needed a lot of rest.
I got a text from him yesterday saying, I have too much going on today. I would like to call you tomorrow afternoon and talk. I did not respond as by the time I got it, he would have been on the road to his out of town gig. He knows I work soon, and still no call.
I love this man with all my heart. I don't like the behavior lately. I don't like how I have been treated lately... I don't like him trying to put the blame on me.
I am not the one that said he needed to quit drinking. I am not disagreeing with it, but I know me telling him to or asking him to is a waste of time, that is something he has to do for himself. He keeps going to his sister, who has counseled many in AA and she keeps telling him, oh you are small beans compared to what I was like. How is that helping him? I just need some of your thoughts and opinions. If he wants to break up why is he just not coming out and saying it? I did tell him that I did not want to drink with him any longer, and I will not be going to the store to buy him beer.
Like a flood, comments he says come back to me, in which he made. He said his wife was never really nice to him... the only thing that she did anything nice is when she bought him beer.
I am not leaving him over his alcoholism. I am sorry, that is what it is. I am not giving up on him. I don't want him to change for me... If he wants to change he will change. However, I will not be his whipping post and have him try to put things on me. He says I am the reason he is stuck. ????? ????? ?????
I would sit and listen... I fell in love with this man that had been so hurt. I listened. We would talk about anything and everything. I listened. He is a good man. He was so kind. He made me laugh. I enjoyed his company so much.
When he divorced... first he lived in his Aunt's house. She had passed and the cousins were going to sell the house so they asked him to live there and fix up the house before they sold it, in exchange for rent. That lasted for eight months. He didn't drink. He then moved into a house with his older brother that is 16 years his senior. His brother is an alcoholic. (His sister is as well but has not drank in years, and his father was one before passing.) He would call me in a rage of anger at his brother. His brother would drink daily from about 11 in the morning until he went to bed at 11 or so at night. He would say, this is such a wake up call... I never want to be like him. I never want to turn out like him.
When I would go to see him, he would make comments at dinner saying, the good news is, someday we will be able to sit and have a glass of wine with dinner. I would tell him, that I didn't need wine with dinner... I really like coffee. He would say, I had a dream last night, I was at the lake working on my cabin all day and sat down with a cold beer to watch the sunset. At this point we would talk about how it was ok for people to drink when it was in moderation and not a lot... but now and again, as long as they were not driving, it was ok.
I went home last summer. We met some friends for dinner when he picked me up from the airport. That is the first time he ever had a drink with me. I didn't drink... he had a drink. I will never forget it. It was a blue moon beer with orange slices. He drank it and seemed fine. He had a second... he seemed fine. We left and stopped at the store to get a few items.... coffee creamer, etc that I would need on my visit since it wasn't in his house. And there, we picked up a bottle of wine, and a 12 pack of Corona. Wine for me, Corona for him. Upon returning home.... I had a glass of wine, and he had a couple of corona. We went to bed.
We planned a bbq with about 20 of our friends to come over. I got up early Sunday morning and started cooking. His family had a lot of property right there on the river, He got on the lawn mower and started mowing. It took him hours. Every 30 to 45 minutes or so, he would come in for another beer. This started at about 10 a.m. . By the time our friends got there, he was pretty buzzed. The day proceeded. He finished off 17 beer... and I finished my bottle of wine, minus one glass I had already had the night I arrived. Since I do not drink often at all... it got me pretty drunk. As for him... the same, but more so. We went to bed and passed out around 9 p.m. .... so not us, we usually stay up late. The next morning we woke up. I didn't feel sick, nor did he, just kinda that hangover haze you get. We spoke about it and we were both shameful about how much we had drank. I do not drink often at all.... and I kept thinking, if my kids were around, would I have done that? The answer is no. He said he let a lot of people down and he also did not want to drink like that.
He bought a new house at Thanksgiving time. It is a cute house. Things really started to change then. He has a couple of buddies that come over on Monday nights to record music. He started to drink with them on Monday nights. Our relationship was still strong. However, when he would call he would be different. I could tell he had been drinking. Nothing really bad, but I could tell. So when he told me all that time that his behaviors didn't change when drinking, that was a misconception. Then, on Thursday nights he practices with his new band, and they drink. On Friday and Saturday nights, he plays in bars, and he drinks. So four of the seven nights in a week he is drinking... and when he come home from work he has what he tells me is a few drinks. He still says his diagnosis is that he USED to abuse alcohol, as when he quit he never had the shakes or needed medical attention. I still trust him with that. He used to make sure his old band only played once or twice a month, as it would not disrupt his visitation with his son. He is now on his fifth week in a row playing each weekend.... having to shuffle visitation around. Where he said, he would never drink and drive again, he is now drinking and driving. He says it is only a few.... I am worried.
Not long ago, about a month or so ago... he had to call into work sick. He called me and said he had eaten too much taco bell the night before and thought he had food poisoning. When he called me back later on in the evening he said he had gotten into some really bad habits, such as eating comfort food etc. It wasn't good for him. The next day, he said, I have been reading a lot about relapse. He said that he needed to quit drinking. I told him how proud I was of him. I told him he was wise. I was trying to be very supportive and comforting. I told him I like us better when we are not drinking together as I like to enjoy my time with him and not waste that precious time on alcohol.
For the past month, I have been his whipping post. He has been so condescending about anything and everything that I say. I don't know what I can say or do without him blowing up on me. I have taken it like a trooper and tried to just realize he is hurting. He says he is mad at all he lost in his divorce. He goes on and on about his wife leaving him due to an affair. There is no proof of an affair. She says she got into the relationship after he left. He used to take ownership of his drinking (when he wasn't drinking) and now, he never does. It is all her and he is the victim. When I tell him we all have some part of ownership in the breakdown of a marriage, he gets so cynical and calls me Dr. Laura.
I always text him when he is playing and say, make good music, have fun, and get home safe. That set him off. It used to not, when he was not drinking. He says I am like his mother.
The other day he said he was dealing with a lot of unresolved anger. I told him that I think some of that anger is spilling over upon me. Two days later he calls, after being passive aggressive for a couple of days and not calling and stating he didn't think he could do this long distance relationship. I reminded him that there was twice I was planning on leaving here and moving home, (into my own apartment) and he told me not to as I should stick to the plan and have a saving built up due to not having a job when I get there, etc.... He then said, I am not ready to open my heart up to anyone... not you and not anyone. WHAT? We have been together two and a half years? He has already opened his heart up to me. I asked him if he was ending things.... He said, I am not sure, he had to process. He said he feels he is co dependent on me.... tried to accuse me of the same. I am not co dependent of him. Do I love him? Yes, but I am dealing with my issues here, on my own. Nobody can fix my issues but me. I know that. I asked if he was breaking up with me. He said, he wasn't sure, he needed to process and he would call me on Friday and we would talk. He did call Friday, during his lunch and said he would like to call that night where we could have a conversation. I said I worked that night. He said he would call me on Saturday afternoon. Friday night... I got rushed to emergency from work. I felt my hands and face going numb, my heart was racing, and everyone thought I was having a heart attack or a stroke. I could barely lift anything at work and I felt lethargic. I was in the emergency room until 4 a.m. or so. I came home and went to bed. The doctors did not want me working yesterday as well, just needed a lot of rest.
I got a text from him yesterday saying, I have too much going on today. I would like to call you tomorrow afternoon and talk. I did not respond as by the time I got it, he would have been on the road to his out of town gig. He knows I work soon, and still no call.
I love this man with all my heart. I don't like the behavior lately. I don't like how I have been treated lately... I don't like him trying to put the blame on me.
I am not the one that said he needed to quit drinking. I am not disagreeing with it, but I know me telling him to or asking him to is a waste of time, that is something he has to do for himself. He keeps going to his sister, who has counseled many in AA and she keeps telling him, oh you are small beans compared to what I was like. How is that helping him? I just need some of your thoughts and opinions. If he wants to break up why is he just not coming out and saying it? I did tell him that I did not want to drink with him any longer, and I will not be going to the store to buy him beer.
Like a flood, comments he says come back to me, in which he made. He said his wife was never really nice to him... the only thing that she did anything nice is when she bought him beer.
I am not leaving him over his alcoholism. I am sorry, that is what it is. I am not giving up on him. I don't want him to change for me... If he wants to change he will change. However, I will not be his whipping post and have him try to put things on me. He says I am the reason he is stuck. ????? ????? ?????
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
So what do you get out of this relationship? What does it accomplish for you?
What needs of yours does it fulfill?
Could you see yourself having children with him the way things are right now?
What needs of yours does it fulfill?
Could you see yourself having children with him the way things are right now?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
This will very likely be as good as it gets if he is drinking again.
Alcoholism is progressive, and many people get even meaner / more unkind to their loved ones the longer they drink.
I certainly did. I am pretty typical apparently--I've read many other stories of people doing the same thing.
So, if you aren't giving him up and are willing to take him drinking get ready for a rough roller coaster ride.
I'm sorry he has changed so much so quickly.
I wish you both the best.
Alcoholism is progressive, and many people get even meaner / more unkind to their loved ones the longer they drink.
I certainly did. I am pretty typical apparently--I've read many other stories of people doing the same thing.
So, if you aren't giving him up and are willing to take him drinking get ready for a rough roller coaster ride.
I'm sorry he has changed so much so quickly.
I wish you both the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This guy sounds like a mess, and I'm being polite. I think you're seeing why his ex kicked him out. The DUI was probably just a culmination of years of unacceptable behavior. I would be very skeptical of anything that comes out of his mouth. His behavior is showing you who he is, and as Hawkeye said, this is the best it's going to be if he continues drinking. Keep reading and posting. Lots of great resources and experience collected here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 84
You say your not going to leave him over his alcoholism, then you say your not going to be his whipping post. Write all of these things down. Keep a journal. Then when you figure out at what point you've had enough you can use the journal to remind you why you ended it.
Any chance you can talk to his ex? Get her side of the story? It may speed up the process.
Any chance you can talk to his ex? Get her side of the story? It may speed up the process.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Wendy, as he progresses into alcoholism he's perceiving you as a block to his drinking. If you were a heavy drinker yourself, you might not be getting this attitude from him, but as you rarely take alcohol he's always going to see you as restricting his ability to drink without guilt. He knows it takes commitment to have a relationship and he can't give you that because he's an alcoholic. So he's pushing you away, and using anger as a way to do it. Better than facing reality.
OK, I respect your decision to stick with him, but is he going to stick with you? Sounds like he's already moving on to his true love, the bottle. Think hard before making any life-changing moves because of him.
OK, I respect your decision to stick with him, but is he going to stick with you? Sounds like he's already moving on to his true love, the bottle. Think hard before making any life-changing moves because of him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
I look at the photo just posted of him playing this weekend. He is a shy and timid guy.... doesn't like a lot of attention. If you could see the photo. He is drunk. So drunk. Breaks my heart so much for him. Breaks my heart for his son. Breaks my heart for the wonderful man he was before he started putting all of this into his life, and his body. I worry about another DUI. It will ruin his life. He will serve time. He will put a lot of money into legal fees again, and most likely lose his house. It makes me so very sad to watch this before my eyes.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Wendy, reading your story, my heart breaks for YOU. He is less interesting than you think. Same general story turns up here all the time. His comings and goings start preoccupying you, and your life course gets turned around. Imho, you are off course.
Try taking some time for yourself and think about dear Wendy for a while. What does Wendy want to be doing with her one precious life? Surely, not eternally wrestling with a selfish divorced aging musician who will manipulate his girlfriend to get her to back off so he can drink as he pleases?
Sorry to be so blunt. It's just I'd hate for you to waste any more of your life energy on this fellow. He'll keep taking until there's nothing left if you don't get up, get the blood flowing in your veins and move on!
Try taking some time for yourself and think about dear Wendy for a while. What does Wendy want to be doing with her one precious life? Surely, not eternally wrestling with a selfish divorced aging musician who will manipulate his girlfriend to get her to back off so he can drink as he pleases?
Sorry to be so blunt. It's just I'd hate for you to waste any more of your life energy on this fellow. He'll keep taking until there's nothing left if you don't get up, get the blood flowing in your veins and move on!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
How could someone change so very quickly? I know it has nothing to do with love... he can't quit to love someone. I don't want to force anyone to quit anything. I just see this as such a sad story. I know under all of that .... like peeling the layers off of an onion is a man I fell in love with. Inside he is a good man, when not masked with the effects of alcohol.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
He'll still be the same man, it's just being an alcoholic makes your priorities very fluid, drink driving laws and respect to others mean your not honest about how much you drink to anyone including yourself.
I know you know the score, what you really want is someone to tell you how to say stop.
The real trick is damage limitation for you!
Try showing him this message and responses, and tell him you'll support him to change but that's got to be because he wants to. It's a chance he's just too scared to go the full deal.
I wish you all the best, and if he comes along for the ride I can vouch once the first bits done with and you can focus on a new amazing life it does get so much better.
Love John.
I know you know the score, what you really want is someone to tell you how to say stop.
The real trick is damage limitation for you!
Try showing him this message and responses, and tell him you'll support him to change but that's got to be because he wants to. It's a chance he's just too scared to go the full deal.
I wish you all the best, and if he comes along for the ride I can vouch once the first bits done with and you can focus on a new amazing life it does get so much better.
Love John.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by WendyOR 
How could someone change so very quickly? I know it has nothing to do with love... he can't quit to love someone. I don't want to force anyone to quit anything. I just see this as such a sad story. I know under all of that .... like peeling the layers off of an onion is a man I fell in love with. Inside he is a good man, when not masked with the effects of alcohol.
Your ABF just couldn't came to terms with NEVER drinking again and thought it would be possible to moderate.
Now you've seen what the future looks like, ask yourself if you're willing to go along with years of this. You won't be able to make him stop though loving him. He will continue to push you away as your relationship challenges his ability to drink whenever he wants to.
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