Tay123

Well my name is Taylor. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. About a week ago he told me he was an alcoholic and had been hiding it from everyone but he wanted to get help. Since he's been going to AA meetings and working on being sober. When I found out it was a complete shock and I didn't believe what was happening. Instead of helping him I became obsessed with the idea that he was cheating on me (like once before just a couple weeks before he told me he was an alcoholic). I want to learn as much as I can about this disease and how I can support him while still making our relationship work. Please if someone, anyone could help me understand and help me be a better partner for him. I want nothing more than for him to continue working on hisself and being sober. I as well want to be better, and grown and learn how our lives will be more healthy together. I blame myself for his problems. I was his enabler. I went to bars and got drunk with him. I just never knew this was a problem he was experiencing.

Tay123

Please anyone who has any advice or help I would be so thankful!

ScottFromWI

Welcome tay. It sounds like your BF is on the right path getting help and going to AA.

You can certainly be supportive of him, but in the end It's his responsibility to get sober. If you are seeking support for yourself, Al-Anon is is similar to AA but for family of those in AA. You could also go with him to open AA meetings to see what it's all about if it's OK with him.

There is also a friends and family forum here that can be of great help to those related to or living with alcoholics.

Tay123

Thank you so much for your response!! So it's not completely hopeless for us to still have a relationship while he's trying to learn how to make himself better? How do I go about being supportive?

resolute50

Welcome to SR,Tay.
Your BF very well may have wanted to get the other distraction(alcohol) out of his life for you.
I must him for taking a big step and getting help.

ScottFromWI

Yes, it's certainly possible to have a relationship with someone while they are in recovery. You can be supportive just by allowing him the time he needs to attend meetings and encourage him, but it's very important for you to understand that you cannot "make" him better or force sobriety on him- that is his cross to bear alone.

Check out the Friends and family forum here....it's filled with people who are in the exact same situation that you are. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Tay123

I can not tell you enough how great it is to hear your responses. And it is so nice to know I am not alone and there are so many others going through this. At first I thought I was going to go insane trying to figure out what I was going to do and how to help. I want to support him and help him through this process. I know he has a lot to do to help him self but it's so nice to hear that it is possible that we might have a chance to make it through this fight and come out stronger than we were before.

Tay123

I do believe before I came to the conclusion that he was really serious that he had a problem I wasn't very forthcoming. He hid the problem so well I had absolutely no idea there was even a problem. And now we are at the stage of seeing if he wNts to stay together and allow me to be supportive of him. How can I show him I have really looked into this and am really invested in being his supporter and being there for him?

resolute50

Some of the people I have the most respect for are those that have kicked drinking.
This site is a wonderful tool for support and information.
Glad you found your way here.

Jupiters

with an attitude like you have, I don't see why you guys can't.
You seem to want to be super supportive which is amazing. Good for him for being open and honest and wanting/asking for help.
and props to you for not bolting immediately.

hopeful4

Hi Tay, I agree, the Friends and Family section may help you quite a bit. There are stickies at the top of the forum that will give lots of great information.

It's wonderful that you want to help him. Have you thought of Alanon? You would get great face to face support there from people who really know what you are going through.

I personally think the best thing you can do is listen to him. Encourage honesty all the time without being overbearing. He does not need you to be his mother. If you plan to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, do the research and find out what that entails for both of you, it's a big commitment and not one to be taken lightly.

Glad you are here!

Tay123

I am so proud that he took the initiative to get help for himself. With all the shock wasn't very supportive to begin with, I was positive about him going to meetings but I wasn't very involved and I didn't ask very many questions. Our small petty fights were harmful to him, all though he didn't relapse. I just hope tonight when we talk he sees how much I've learned and how much I am willing to do to help him through this process.

Tay123

I do believe a support group would be very helpful. I am actually in the process of finding meetings where we live. I understand this is a big commitment and it's going to be a long process for the both of us. We will have to get to know each other all over again. But I do believe he is the one for me, and I love him. I want to help in anyway I can. This is something he has to do for himself but I want to also be there for him.

resolute50

Everybody has a different opinion of what to do in these situations.
Just my opinion,I would just educate yourself and keep it under my hat.
Just so you'll be aware of some things that might happen,detox,mood swings,cravings,stuff like that. You'll know what's going on without him feeling like he's under a microscope.

Just say that you're glad that he's let you know. And if there's anything you can do to help. That you plan to stay by his side through this.
Again, this is just my thoughts.

Tay123

Resolute50, your thoughts are so much appreciated. I do not want him to feel like I'm analyzing him. He should still be able to act how he pleases, I just need to be his support.

Tay123

I also read somewhere that during the first year of recovery their should be no sex...is that something we should refrain from now?

hopeful4

You are correct in this thinking! It is wise to educate yourself. Don't forget yourself in the equation. It is sort of like the air mask on the airplane. You put it on yourself first so you are well enough to help another. Same concept.

It's quite easy to become involved in their recovery to the point of becoming codependent and trying to control their lives and decisions. If you can keep yourself from getting to that point you will both have a much healthier outlook on things.

Best of luck to both of you!

Tay123

Hopeful4 thank you so much for all your help and advice! It was so much appreciated! I will definitely look more into not becoming codependent and keep as much separation as necessary for both him and myself!

resolute50

I haven't read anything that mentioned that.
Not sure what benefit in recovery not being intimate would bring.
He's going to have a lot on is mind. Depending how long he's been drinking it can be very hard, and even dangerous.

I would just act and treat things just as they were before he informed you.
He'll actually give you clues if there's something bothering him or he's getting cravings...ect.

Talk with folks here that know about co-dependent. Look it up.
Make sure you're not falling into something like that as time goes by.
Especially if there's relapses.

Anna

I think there is hope for you as a couple, but in my opinion, you need to take a step back and put the focus on you and how you can become an emotionally healthier person for your own sake. Allow your boyfriend to move forward with his own recovery, while you work on yours.