Vanduara

Hey guys,

After 6 days I caved.

I was never an every day drinker and I'm a runner and keep myself fit, but as I've said before on here, it's like I just need this release from stress or something every week or so, and booze is all that will do it (at least in my mind at the time).

6 days is a poor show from me, I've had 3 weeks or so sober at a time before. Isn't that interesting, though.....a normal drinker wouldn't give a thought to how long they've had sober in their adult life or whatever.....it just 'is' for them. That proves that I must have that alcoholic thinking. Aargh.

I was thinking too....I first binge drank in my late teens and am now in my late 30s.....that's 20 years of having booze as a solution to stress, or when things went wrong, or indeed as a thing to celebrate with. How does one change those habits and feelings? I feel it's so ingrained in me as to be beyond me to change that.

And of course.....I use the old excuses to myself, "you don't drink everyday, once a week or two weeks is fine, you're fit, blah blah blah"

Just yesterday I was posting on here about how I love the feeling of calmness not drinking, which is true. So now I've had a wee build up of some kind of stress, have drank to relieve it even though I know that is counter-productive. This is mad, but also makes sense to me.

Aaaargh! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, folks. Just needed a vent.

sugarbear1

have you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous?

Vanduara

Hi sugarbear, thanks for your response.

I have read bits of it, particularly the personal stories, which I found really interesting.

I just don't know if AA is for me.

doggonecarl

I'm only speculating, but from reading the few threads you've started, it doesn't seem like you have completely taken drinking off the table. You question if you are an really an alcoholic, you use stress (or the relieving of it) to justify having a drink. You drink, then you rationalize.

But I think you're close to getting it. You realize that normal drinkers don't make drinking or not drinking such a big thing. Once you realize you aren't a normal drinker, probably haven't been one in a while, and will never be one, it will become easier to accept never drinking.

Good luck.

Raider

It's ok. Just get back up and try again.

Vanduara

doggonecarl, thanks. Your response has completely hit the nail on the head, that is EXACTLY how I feel. If I'm honest, I haven't entirely taken drinking off the table, I DO use stress to rationalise drinking, and I tend to drink first, rationalise later. Absolutely nail on the head.

I just find it very hard to truly admit that I'm not a normal drinker and to commit to full-on sobriety. There is a bit of me that doesn't feel the need for it yet.

Thanks again for your response, I love how you were able to see right through me and cut to the chase.

Vanduara

Thanks, Raider.

I like your profile pic, is that really you? I always think you look so friendly.

Anna

Habits can be changed. You need some tools in mind, some healthy ways to deal with stress that we all have in our lives. Make a list and then next time you feel like you need to relieve stress, pull out the list and follow it. Before long the new habits will be sticking.

Vanduara

Thanks, Anna.

This is what I find so difficult, is finding new tools / habits. Like today, when I went to buy wine, part of me knew that I should come home and log in here first and let you guys talk me out of it......but I didn't!

I get so kind of arrogant and think that I know best etc etc, which I know is garbage. What's the AA saying about your best thinking getting you here, or something like that? Aargh!

When I'm in that moment of needing to drink I can't see beyond it and find it very difficult to look to other habits etc. How do I get there? I know the logic behind it but just can't quite get there.

silentrun

I have seen other runner's on this site. I think either the running kept the alcoholism in check or it forged some pathways that lead to the alcohol problem. When my back started acting up the drinking started getting out of control. Watch out for that. The binges started out once a week and I kept adding days as the years went by. I would NEVER drink three days in a row because I would be an emotional mess if I didn't get a day off. Once I stopped taking days off to stabilized things got really bad. Like please just let me die in my sleep bad. The last 2 years was pure hell. It can spiral real fast.
If you knew what was waiting for you there is no question you would take drinking off the table entirely. I knew something was wrong way before I stopped but I just didn't know how to change. Until I knew I had to. Quit now and don't look back. Save yourself the pain that is coming your way. There are lots of options to help you quit. SR is my method.

grubby

Nothing to be sorry about, we all love(d) the release that alcohol provides.

That said, you should really consider other alternatives to calm yourself down with............ its EXTREMELY hard finding an alternative, i know. But at the same time, 20 years is a long time to be drinking....... this thing is progressive so it's just a matter of time until it gets worse.

flossyfressia

I can relate to this-every time I've felt stressed since I quit drinking I've wanted a glass of wine. Every time. I'm shocked by how ingrained it is in me.

Dee74

Have you tried urge surfing Vanduara?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

It aims to get us observing the urge, not reacting to it...in that way, the aim is to 'surf' through it.

It was a way for me to step out of that rabbit caught in the headlights moment when as you say 'I'm in that moment of needing to drink I can't see beyond it and find it very difficult to look to other habits etc.'

Urge surfings not magic - it may need some practice -, but it worked for me

D

Vanduara

Thanks for your supportive words and cautionary tale, silentrun.

Yeah, I read somewhere that a significant amount of runners are heavy drinkers as well.....apparently the 'high' you get from a long, hard run is similar in some ways to the initial high from alcohol.

It seems counter-intuitive as drinking and hangovers don't mix well with long distance running, but it still seems to be the case. My own doctor even told me this....I was talking to him about drinking too much and how it totally goes against the grain of me being a runner, and he said he knows a lot of long distance runners who drink a heck of a lot as well. Interesting.

Vanduara

Thanks, Dee, I will give it a try. It's just so hard when you feel that kind of defeated way.

silentrun

Try a google search on DeltaFosB.
Here is one link:DeltaFosB: a sustained molecular sw... [Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2001] - PubMed - NCBI
DeltaFosB is linked to running as well. If you are only binging 1 a week now you are still in the beginning stages. I wouldn't have been as smart as you to try and do something about it early. I had to come to that fork in the road with it. I hope you can get a handle on it now.
Edit; The alcohol starts off like the runner's high but it will morph on you. There will come a point where it is insatiable not like the high from running where you feel satisfied and peaceful.

Verte

Just yesterday I was talking with my therapist about this very question!

Sobriety is the only option I have given myself so during moments of frustration and angst I have gotten a little creative. But drinking is not an option for me...it has been taken completely off the table, as Doggonecarl wrote.

Had it not been taken off the table then the entire 'should I drink, should I not drink' dialogue (ugh!) would still be in my head crowding out all my other options.

There have been growing pains, of course. But everyday the feelings associated with my decision to remove alcohol from my life are getting stronger and stronger and uncomfortable feelings less and less.

Two nights ago, having a ridiculously challenging night, I watched the Stanley Cup while chit-chatting in the chat with like-minded sober SRers. No alcohol. Feels like a victory and, yes, I should get a medal

Plowing right through all the hard times, dialogue, is the only way I know how to develop new habits that are as instantly gratifying. It gets easier every day...even with unexpected horrible days. Then I wake up and its a new day.

Total honesty with myself has helped. And you are there already. Just cannot emphasize enough how much easier it is to cut out the whole "is drinking an option" conversation. That's a great start.

Welcome back!

ForgetfulKevin

Somehow the word "musings" started me on a mental ramble that led me to realize I should be careful how much I write on the internet, as drinking and writing go hand-in-hand in my case, and too much composing might lead me back to the same old habit of drinking and posting, even on SR! So I'd better stick mostly to reading and thanking plus short notes.

But good info in this thread!