Blamed the alcohol use, but I was wrong.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Blamed the alcohol use, but I was wrong.
There are certain things that I have noticed that I have blamed my AH's alcohol use on. Some of those are probably legitimate - but not all of them. (Is this a codie moment?)
You see, I always thought that somehow our financial state was caused by my AH's alcohol use. I figured he'd blown money while drunk that he couldn't account for, had made some bad choices as to what to spend the money on, etc.
I'll spare you the long story as to how I've come to realize how very :lame: my thinking was on that point. In our case....turns out that it was not the alcohol AT ALL that caused our financial mess. It's either a matter of his irresponsibility (which is probably the case), his believing that debt does not hurt us (which is probably true as well), and not realizing just what damage he has done (oh yea, sure of that) as well as just not being the type who can fathom how to handle money!!!! (which his family now tells me that he's always been this way! :speechles )
The other thing that I've realized that I can't blame the alcohol on anymore is his irresponsibility!!!!!!!! The things that needed done, things he gave his word to do, his friends always having come first, etc. I thought was probably due to him giving his word while he was drunk only to realize that he didn't want to do them when he was sober! Or his agreeing to things that involved his drinking buddies (always another reason to hang out with them and get drunk) and some other examples, but you get the point.
Well, it's been months since AH and I split up. He wanted to come home immediately (actually didn't want to leave to begin with) but I told him that his words meant nothing to me and that he needed to prove to me that he had changed as he claimed to have done so by actions! I wanted to SEE the changes. He of course said he couldnt' show me since we wouldn't be living together so I gave him a small list of things that he could do (such as paying off his bills and getting financial stable and upholding the promises he had made to people by following through on those promises = such as fixing a co-workers car that we've had possession of since last fall!!!!!!!!!) Well, he's still behind on his bills.....he's still not paid off anything!......and my co-workers car is still sitting here in my driveway untouched!!!!
What changes have I seen? He hasn't drank since January, he's attending church on Sundays, and he is better with the kids. He feels that his not drinking should be enough as that was my biggest complaint. Well, he just doesn't realize that it's not JUST the drinking. Some of the problems we had, I THOUGHT were caused by his drinking. I realize now those are issues upon themselves.
*sigh* He makes me feel like I expect too much. Says that no matter what he does, it's never enough.
But this just got me to wondering if any of you blamed the alcohol/drug use on other issues only to find out that they were just part of the person's personality or something?
You see, I always thought that somehow our financial state was caused by my AH's alcohol use. I figured he'd blown money while drunk that he couldn't account for, had made some bad choices as to what to spend the money on, etc.
I'll spare you the long story as to how I've come to realize how very :lame: my thinking was on that point. In our case....turns out that it was not the alcohol AT ALL that caused our financial mess. It's either a matter of his irresponsibility (which is probably the case), his believing that debt does not hurt us (which is probably true as well), and not realizing just what damage he has done (oh yea, sure of that) as well as just not being the type who can fathom how to handle money!!!! (which his family now tells me that he's always been this way! :speechles )
The other thing that I've realized that I can't blame the alcohol on anymore is his irresponsibility!!!!!!!! The things that needed done, things he gave his word to do, his friends always having come first, etc. I thought was probably due to him giving his word while he was drunk only to realize that he didn't want to do them when he was sober! Or his agreeing to things that involved his drinking buddies (always another reason to hang out with them and get drunk) and some other examples, but you get the point.
Well, it's been months since AH and I split up. He wanted to come home immediately (actually didn't want to leave to begin with) but I told him that his words meant nothing to me and that he needed to prove to me that he had changed as he claimed to have done so by actions! I wanted to SEE the changes. He of course said he couldnt' show me since we wouldn't be living together so I gave him a small list of things that he could do (such as paying off his bills and getting financial stable and upholding the promises he had made to people by following through on those promises = such as fixing a co-workers car that we've had possession of since last fall!!!!!!!!!) Well, he's still behind on his bills.....he's still not paid off anything!......and my co-workers car is still sitting here in my driveway untouched!!!!
What changes have I seen? He hasn't drank since January, he's attending church on Sundays, and he is better with the kids. He feels that his not drinking should be enough as that was my biggest complaint. Well, he just doesn't realize that it's not JUST the drinking. Some of the problems we had, I THOUGHT were caused by his drinking. I realize now those are issues upon themselves.
*sigh* He makes me feel like I expect too much. Says that no matter what he does, it's never enough.
But this just got me to wondering if any of you blamed the alcohol/drug use on other issues only to find out that they were just part of the person's personality or something?
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Twilight Zone
Posts: 12
blaming alcohol/drugs
Yes, I can relate. I sometimes think my son has a "bad seed" somewhere inside. He has many good qualities, but somehow blaming some of the bizarre things he does on a disease seems to be a cop out.
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Heck yea!!!!! I blamed alot on the alcohol...........My husband has stopped drinking since April 19th, I think this is the longest he has ever gone since I have known him……he does drink N/A Beer, so he is substituting. He is still impatient, manipulative, controlling, abusive verbally………I think what you call this is a dry drunk….he is sober for 3 months which is called sobriety, but he is not working on any programs to work on the real issues….. that go way beyond alcohol…….sometimes I feel sorry for him…….and other times I just hate him and other times I love him more then anything in this world…….I am still living with him, (I am questioning why now) I have been reading a lot about co-dependents………….oh boy, what an eye opener….I know I have my problems, the good news is I realize this now and I am working on me……..I need for me to get better……..I am trying to be very strong (that is hard for me to do). The harder I try the harder he tries to make me break……I hate that……….I just know that I am going through all of this for a reason and I have absolutely no control over anyone’s else’s actions but my own……and I keep praying every night for God to please help me through these times……..and you know what he is………..My thoughts and prayers are with you….
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I know what you mean, Standing Strong.
Sometimes I think that we stay with them because they are alcoholics. We blame everything on the drinking and then concentrate so hard on getting them to stop. We think that if they would only stop drinking, all problems would be solved.
I've decided that alcoholism isn't an excuse for everything.
L
Sometimes I think that we stay with them because they are alcoholics. We blame everything on the drinking and then concentrate so hard on getting them to stop. We think that if they would only stop drinking, all problems would be solved.
I've decided that alcoholism isn't an excuse for everything.
L
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Yep.....totally totally relate. and on a different note...I used to date a widower. I used to blame all of his shortcomings on the fact that he had lost the love of his life. It turned out he was a jerk all on his own. He was a jerk before he even met her, while he was married to her and he was even more of a jerk after she died. He just used her death as a license to be even more of a jerk. It jsut took me a while to realize that.
So I guess that the bottom line is if someone is doing something that you don't like, don't agree with, can't live with........it matters not WHY they do it. But that they DO IT. I can't seem to get this through my thick skull though. I am alwyas making excuses for people's bad behavior. And only seeing the good in them. What is up with that? And understanding this concept -- which I do -- but following through on it in real life -- are two different thigns.
So I guess that the bottom line is if someone is doing something that you don't like, don't agree with, can't live with........it matters not WHY they do it. But that they DO IT. I can't seem to get this through my thick skull though. I am alwyas making excuses for people's bad behavior. And only seeing the good in them. What is up with that? And understanding this concept -- which I do -- but following through on it in real life -- are two different thigns.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Thought I would toss this one if for some contemplating!!
I have come to believe that some of the less than desirable behavior is part of an addicts personality.....like the examples that have been given. Just like "fixing" everything for everyone is part of a co-dependants personality.
I look at my Dad....his drinking was NEVER an issue when I was growing up, but now he is a raging alchoholic.....HOWEVER, SOME of those behaviors existed years ago BEFORE the alcohol. Making others feel guilty to get them to do whatever he wanted, manipulating others, putting friends needs before his families needs, turning down opportunities for work advancement for made up excuses.......now those same behaviors are there, just magnified because of alcohol.
The alcohol ulitmately is a relsult of underlying issues......which are different for each person.....some self esteem, some being accepted, some anxiety, some abusive upbringing soooo (in my opinion) getting sober is only half the battle. Working on those underlying issues is the other. Without resolving those or at least acknowledging those, I believe will only end w/the alcoholic returning to drinking.
Wow, that was harder to put in writing than I thought!!! Constant
I have come to believe that some of the less than desirable behavior is part of an addicts personality.....like the examples that have been given. Just like "fixing" everything for everyone is part of a co-dependants personality.
I look at my Dad....his drinking was NEVER an issue when I was growing up, but now he is a raging alchoholic.....HOWEVER, SOME of those behaviors existed years ago BEFORE the alcohol. Making others feel guilty to get them to do whatever he wanted, manipulating others, putting friends needs before his families needs, turning down opportunities for work advancement for made up excuses.......now those same behaviors are there, just magnified because of alcohol.
The alcohol ulitmately is a relsult of underlying issues......which are different for each person.....some self esteem, some being accepted, some anxiety, some abusive upbringing soooo (in my opinion) getting sober is only half the battle. Working on those underlying issues is the other. Without resolving those or at least acknowledging those, I believe will only end w/the alcoholic returning to drinking.
Wow, that was harder to put in writing than I thought!!! Constant
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Good posts, very true. Remember the saying in AA??
"if you sober up an alcoholic horse thief, you have a sober horsethief"
But I believe there is "Alcoholic Insanity " I've been there, done that.
Also I know pretty tough to change my charactor defects. Clancy46
"if you sober up an alcoholic horse thief, you have a sober horsethief"
But I believe there is "Alcoholic Insanity " I've been there, done that.
Also I know pretty tough to change my charactor defects. Clancy46
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I guess I needed this tread today more than ever. Practicing or not, there are defects in us that are going to cause problems. I don't think appreciating the good things is wrong. We just have to be honest about our situation in order to know what we are dealing with. You are right, Standing Strong. No matter why they do it, we have to ask, will I accept this behavior in my life? People make mistakes. I don't condemn them for that. But when it continues, and it affects me, I have to decide what part I am going to play in it. This stuff is hard! Hugs, Magic
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Twilight Zone
Posts: 12
Underlying issues
Constant:
WOW! What you said about your dad is so like my son....he told me once I wouldn't believe the work opportunities he turned down because of fear of failure...he didn't want people 'expecting' good of him because he was afraid he couldn't live up to it.
This saying is SO, SO true:
"It's not what you drink or how much you drink, it's WHY you drink."
I know my son wouldn't consciously choose this life. I think too sometimes they continue the behavior because they're so filled with shame. It keeps perpetuating itself as they feel they're in so deep & have disappointed so many, it's too overwhelming to try & climb out. It's different for each person, you're right. Each one of us deals with "issues" in different ways. Some are stronger than others; some need crutches/excuses; some are able to face their demons & become stronger; some can't even face themselves.
The saddest part of this disease is my son is very handsome, intelligent, popular, warm & loving. He hasn't ever lived up to his full potential. I've also heard AA's/addicts are stuck at the age at which they began the behavior. I've observed this to be somewhat true in relation to him. He's very mature, however, his behavior at times is so like when he was 17 (the age he really began abusing).
The 2nd saddest part of this disease is how it's tentacles reach into every nook & cranny of the lives of anyone associated with the AA. No one is safe. Just when you think you've put their chaos out of your life, something happens that pulls (or tries) to pull you back in.
Can anyone relate? God love you all for being here!
WOW! What you said about your dad is so like my son....he told me once I wouldn't believe the work opportunities he turned down because of fear of failure...he didn't want people 'expecting' good of him because he was afraid he couldn't live up to it.
This saying is SO, SO true:
"It's not what you drink or how much you drink, it's WHY you drink."
I know my son wouldn't consciously choose this life. I think too sometimes they continue the behavior because they're so filled with shame. It keeps perpetuating itself as they feel they're in so deep & have disappointed so many, it's too overwhelming to try & climb out. It's different for each person, you're right. Each one of us deals with "issues" in different ways. Some are stronger than others; some need crutches/excuses; some are able to face their demons & become stronger; some can't even face themselves.
The saddest part of this disease is my son is very handsome, intelligent, popular, warm & loving. He hasn't ever lived up to his full potential. I've also heard AA's/addicts are stuck at the age at which they began the behavior. I've observed this to be somewhat true in relation to him. He's very mature, however, his behavior at times is so like when he was 17 (the age he really began abusing).
The 2nd saddest part of this disease is how it's tentacles reach into every nook & cranny of the lives of anyone associated with the AA. No one is safe. Just when you think you've put their chaos out of your life, something happens that pulls (or tries) to pull you back in.
Can anyone relate? God love you all for being here!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
The kitchen counters are still only half done.
Bills are still a mess.
I was still rude.
I was still doing things that I shouldn't in many areas.
I wasn't doing them to the degree I was when drinking.
Yes the charactor flaws were there before the drinking but they became magnified greatly with the drinking.
When drinking I was not in a state of mind to work on a fix nore would I have accepted the fact I needed fixes.
If an alcholic looks inside at self and does the steps or finds change through church, the bible, God's guidance or some other help system... it still comes down to the same situation as the drinking or drug... They need seek the solution.
As to my issues... I am working on them.
Bills are getting paid...a plan is being followed.
the "to do" list of things around the house is being worked on and getting closer to being even more complete. (could be done faster)
With my starting to read the bible, accepting the Lord, seeking answers and guidance... I am on a path of improvement.
Guess what I am trying to say here... there is hope "if" the person will accept that there is a problem and seek the answers to correct the problem(s)
Till that time that they work the steps for themself. the codie needs to continue to work the steps for self as well.
Me>>> Alcoholoic, (sober for over 15 years), codie,(working on this) personality issues...started working on them about 5 years ago. WIth the steps as a daily guide in short form of the whole bible (what I see the steps as) and as the bible and God's guidance and with the things I am learning about self even here on this board with the sharing of you all.... Well to see what can be, if you knew me before and then come to know me today.... There is hope. Change can happen. Till such change ... continue doing what needs be done for self. Work your own steps. You can't change me, you can't change him/her... we need to change self and as a codie we also need to change how we deal with others.
Thank you for what you share... you all are a part of my growth.
Bills are still a mess.
I was still rude.
I was still doing things that I shouldn't in many areas.
I wasn't doing them to the degree I was when drinking.
Yes the charactor flaws were there before the drinking but they became magnified greatly with the drinking.
When drinking I was not in a state of mind to work on a fix nore would I have accepted the fact I needed fixes.
If an alcholic looks inside at self and does the steps or finds change through church, the bible, God's guidance or some other help system... it still comes down to the same situation as the drinking or drug... They need seek the solution.
As to my issues... I am working on them.
Bills are getting paid...a plan is being followed.
the "to do" list of things around the house is being worked on and getting closer to being even more complete. (could be done faster)
With my starting to read the bible, accepting the Lord, seeking answers and guidance... I am on a path of improvement.
Guess what I am trying to say here... there is hope "if" the person will accept that there is a problem and seek the answers to correct the problem(s)
Till that time that they work the steps for themself. the codie needs to continue to work the steps for self as well.
Me>>> Alcoholoic, (sober for over 15 years), codie,(working on this) personality issues...started working on them about 5 years ago. WIth the steps as a daily guide in short form of the whole bible (what I see the steps as) and as the bible and God's guidance and with the things I am learning about self even here on this board with the sharing of you all.... Well to see what can be, if you knew me before and then come to know me today.... There is hope. Change can happen. Till such change ... continue doing what needs be done for self. Work your own steps. You can't change me, you can't change him/her... we need to change self and as a codie we also need to change how we deal with others.
Thank you for what you share... you all are a part of my growth.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
My father was an A. When my mother met my AH, who really didn't drink much at the time, the 1st thing she said was "He reminds me of your father". I used to think that she meant because they are both tall and dark. Boy was I wrong. I think that she meant characteristics???? I am just thankful that my AH is trying to follow the program and getting the help my father never wanted to work at. I find the more As I meet the more I find that they have similar characteristics.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Yeah, I blamed everything on the booze - G was a heavy drinker when I met him so it was easy to say to myself that it must be the drink that makes him useless with money, inconsiderate at times, impatient and just really contrary. I thought it was the alcohol that caused him to march to the beat of his own drum regardless of the confusion, chaos and conflict he brought into his life. It's only now that I've got to know him that I've realised that he was always irresponsible (financially and otherwise), pigheaded and just plain idiotic at times. His mother has told me as much - she even gives me money which is meant for him as she knows exactly what he'll spend it on.
We're all with you SS
HugZ to you
Sandra
We're all with you SS
HugZ to you
Sandra
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
Thank you everyone for this post. I've been out of town for my Grandmother's funeral, and I'm reading all about my AH through your posts. I've been a mess for months and I think I am finally ready to let go for good, even though he's been out of the house 2 months. I deserve to be treated at least 1/2 as good as I have treated him. I put it all into the marriage and get nothing at all out of it. Need you guys to keep telling me to move on and get a life for myself. Thanks
Alexia
Alexia
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