changeneeded

I am so thankful to be part of a community that is open and honest. Some of these posts make me laugh so hard my side hurts, others break my heart with sympathy and give me a connection to you because I understand... I go through the same things as you all.

My question is... why is it that I feel I need a reason, well, strike that.. why do I feel I need an event so that I can let my A know that I've had enough and things need to change?

Wouldn't the drinking be enough? I don't understand what I am doing or waiting for. The posts I've been reading today have brought his to light for me.

All the prayers that he/she would get a DUI
Not come home
Have something major happen, to wake the A up.

When there is no arguing I feel strange bringing up the drinking and annoying person my A has become. Maybe it is because even when I did have reason to draw a line, he had this way of making me feel as if I were over reacting.
Or he would say something like: "why do you always have to ruin a good evening, (Weekend, day, even) just fill in the time.

I would ask... when should I do this? During the party? On the way home from the party? when we've just walked in the door? after you've slept? Before we leave? When?!

He never as an answer and neither do I. I guess this is why ? I don't know, can somebody help? Those of you who have loved ones that are in or are recovering. How did it go about?

Thanks,

Love to you all- thanks for being real.

SparkleKitty

When you are really done, when you have really had enough (if you ever get to that point) you will no longer feel like you need a reason. And you will no longer need him to validate you and tell you you are right to feel bad when he drinks too much.

Blossom717

I was thinking about this earlier. What am I waiting for exactly? Right now its putting all the necessary pieces together to leave (documents, finding out rights about custody, and so forth), but when do you tell them? I have no idea. I have no clue how I'm going to tell him that we are over, and I'm taking our dd with me. It makes me feel like I'm breaking up the family but I have come to realize that in reality if there wasn't an issue with alcoholism then I wouldn't be leaving.

I think as codies we feel the need to have some drama thrown in to the mix to justify our actions, even (like you said), the drinking should be enough of a reason!

Let me know if you figure out a way to break it off...

biminiblue

Yeah, you don't need a reason. If you think you do, then you do.

I also knew when I was done. My done came a lot faster than some people, and a lot slower than others.

hopeful4

I guess for me I felt I had to be able to look back on it both for myself and my children and know I had given him every single chance. I had done that years ago, I wasted a bunch of extra years just b/c change is scary. I was not ready.

Like BB above, when I knew, I knew. I did not need an excuse. I just needed to end it already.

thisgirl81

I used to wonder that too. Until one day, he lied to me about something stupid (he always lied, but for some reason this time was different for me). That was it; I decided that I could no longer be lied to. I no longer wanted to wait for him to change. I couldn't live one more day not being able to trust the guy I loved. It took so long to get to that place, but I finally did. For me, I kept thinking that he would change or he would wake up and understand all the pain he has caused me and then act right. Then I realized that I was accepting the lies and the BS and as long as I would accept it, he will continue to do it because he always has....

lillamy

I felt that way too, hopeful. And I do think it's a legitimate reason.

I left when I was ready. I left when I was able. While I can tell myself it would have been better for everyone if I had left years earlier, it didn't happen that way. The important thing is that it did happen.

For me, I was looking for a reason, a cataclysmic event, so that everyone (including AXH) would say "Oh yes, of course she had to leave, I mean look at what he DID!?"

I wanted everyone to give me permission to leave. I wanted everyone to agree that it was the right thing to do. I wanted to leave and not have anyone see me as The Bad Guy.

And I got my cataclysmic event alright.

But you know what? Everyone still didn't agree I had the right to leave. AXH still didn't think he had done anything wrong. I waited all those years for something dramatic to give me the "right" to leave, and when it happened, some people still saw me as The Bad Guy.

I think the difference was, I had gotten to a point where I no longer cared, as long as I got to live my life without alcoholism.

Blueskies25

I can relate. By the time I found out that all stbxah's problems were due to secret chronic alcoholism I'd already been dealing with affairs, physical and emo abuse and a whole heap of nonsense so when doctor confirmed it was alcohol and had been for a while (how how how did I miss it, I asked myself for months!) it almost feels like I used his addiction as my excuse to get out, if that sounds logical. I then got out v v quickly, discovered a whole other heap of hidden carnage (job loss, theft, fraud...Ug Ug Ug) so I suppose I was waiting for a drama to push me out of what had become an awful marriage. I just didn't know what I was battling, I suppose. I maybe kind of needed that push? Devastating for a long time and still occasional gloomy days but still standing and children thriving. Upon reflection, I wish I'd jumped quicker but for me, I defo needed a reason to tag onto? Like the abuse wasn't enough! But I only realised how bad it had become for my children and I when I had the chance to breathe and got some incredible counselling. Each of us has a different journey but with such similarities on here. For the record, my A continued to decline. I'm glad I'm not on that crazy bus anymore. But it was a lot of soul searching and admission along the way too. It's such a difficult thing to engage with, and I wish you well. Hugs.

LifeRecovery

I made a lot of those "excuses" for a long time. I thought they were all about him, but in retrospect, he did not change much during that time frame....it was actually giving myself time to be done.

For me it was actually not alcohol that was my bottom...it was an affair.

For some reason I was able to put boundaries in place around the affair that I struggled with to do for the alcohol.....I suspect because I had been working on it for years around the alcohol.

Also if it is any help I could not have left a moment before I did....

Once it hit I did not look book. I was sad and in grief, and had a lot of challenges.

It took what it took and it takes what it takes.

allysen

I think you also need to take a look at YOU, and decide what really is enough for you? What are your true values? Who do you want to be? What do you want for your life?

Rather than making your decisions based on his behaviour ("If he drinks again, I'm gonna...."), make decisions for yourself based on how you feel. Instead of reacting to him, be pro-active in your own life. And remember that your opinions and feelings DO matter, regardless of what he (or anyone) says about them. I don't know if you've tried Al-Anon, or a counsellor, but it could help you sort out your feelings about some of this?

Worried0810

I kept waiting for that 'event' as well, and I realised that I was staying because I had to just give him that one more chance because maybe he will change etc.
The day I left, he had started drinking at 10am (not the first time) and I asked him why because he said he was going to cut down. He replied, "I'll drink what I want, when I want" and that was it. I'd said to myself that if I needed a reason, an excuse, he had just handed to me on a silver plate.
You can wait for the 'event' if you want, but make sure that you grab it and leave. Otherwise, you'll do what I did - just keep convincing yourself of just one more event to occur and then you'd go because at least you gave him a final chance. I needed a reason, got it and left. It's hard, but it'll be worth it.
My XABF doesn't think that his morning drinking session was reason enough for me to leave. After explaining all the other situations that have occurred, the reason I could've (and should've) left before, he realised what he has done. But I don't know if it will enough for him to change so if you're banking on your A changing, please don't get your hopes up too high.
But really - you don't need to wait for a reason. You're unhappy (and trust me, your child picks up on that) and that is enough for you to walk.

mejo

Idk, I guess for me, I get closer daily but I have a hard time admitting it to myself but I think people around me see it more clearly. I am so in love with him. Really him. Not the fantasy of him. But, I cannot watch him kill himself. I love him too much. The numbers of people getting sober and staying that way are low. I cannot do this up and down crap anymore. I need to find healthy. For me. Thats all I have to offer myself right now.

OnawaMiniya

I think you have answered your own question. You want to wake them up, and feel that some kind of event might be "proof" enough for them to open their eyes. To feel justified to point out to them that their drinking is a problem.

The question is why do you feel you need to justify yourself?

But, as you already know, it is up to them as far as wanting to change, and then taking the steps necessary to bring about that change.

Really, it isn't even that simple. They need to change their perspective, or else all of the steps they take will be futile. The difference between merely going through the motions, and actually embracing another way of living because it makes sense to them to do so.

Peace.