SadieJack

Hello everyone - I have a situation which has really put me at a loss to understand. Back story: my brother is an alcoholic and has been for 40 years or so. He had three sons with second wife, cheated on her and married the woman he cheated with and had a daughter. The third wife died 2 years into the marriage and brother "raised" his daughter alone. Not really because he had many women in and out of his life and yet another failed marriage. Yes 4 wives. The boys were raised by their mother who never remarried.

OK, so the daughter is 19 now. She dropped out of college and just married her HS honey who is 17. She sent me an email out of the blue basically telling me that I am a crappy aunt who never loved her and had no interest in her life. She un-friended me on Facebook as well and blocked me for good measure.

I am stunned! I live in Texas and she in Rhode Island, so naturally we did not see one another a whole lot...however, I have always sent her bday cards, gifts at Xmas, she has come her to visit me and I have gone there as well.

I am not in touch with my AB at this time due to his abusiveness towards me. Do you think her email was REALLY her email or could it be at the behest of my brother??

Thanks for listening

hopeful4

It could definitely be from your brother. It could also be some crazy thing that was told to her that is not true. Or, she could perceive the situation as something else.

It's so hard to say without talking to her. If you care about her, ask her.

So so sorry. My nephew cut all of us out of his life last year for nothing at all, it hurt. A lot.

XXX

SadieJack

Thank you. I am sorry to hear about your nephew as well. It really does hurt when you are rejected. I cannot ask her because I can't reach her. She has blocked every avenue to reach her, like texting, FB, phone, etc.

I really suspect it is what my brother has told her... really sux

ladyscribbler

My alcoholic father once told me that my mom was planning to abandon my brother and me and move to another country. I was 7 or so, and I completely believed him. I called my mother and told her I hated her and never wanted to see her again (this was at the behest of my father and grandmother, who encouraged me to "express my feelings" to her). Active alcoholics are not reliable, mentally stable individuals, but to someone who has been raised in a crazy environment, they may seem like the only person you can trust.
You are a good aunt and a good person who even from a distance has provided a healthy and stable female role model to your niece. I would encourage you not to take this personally and to stay available to her. There is a good chance that her world will one day come crashing down and she will look to you for support.
Sending hugs and strength your way.

SparkleKitty

It sounds like she has had a very tough time of things, without a lot of stability, and that maybe the people in her life she should have been able to count on no matter what (i.e., her parents), were not able to do that for her. That's not your fault. Hurting people hurt people. Sounds like she's flailing.

You can send her a card or a letter letting her know you are there for her if and when she is ready to try to repair the relationship. And then I would let go of any expectations. You have done what you can. I'm sorry this has happened.

SadieJack

Thank you SparkleKitty and Ladyscribbler.You make very good points. I should be mindful of the way she was raised (or dragged up)... she did have a difficult life with her dad. I also am an adult child of alcoholic parents who grew up in a volatile and chaotic environment. Violence of all kind and lots of booze and abuse. However, I would NEVER do or say anything like this to any of my aunts/uncles. While I do understand she has had it hard, it really doesn't excuse it.

hopeful4

Maybe you can write her a letter that just says you are confused and worried and are always here to talk if she decides to do so.

So sorry.

changeneeded

Just my opinion:
Given the fact that her father is an active A, and you stated that her grandmother may have encouraged it.... that really is the only adults she knows that have an influence on her. She might even feel that she is being loyal to them.

My husbands daughter did the same to him and I at the encouragement of her mother. It took her many years to come back around and when she did, she was very bitter at her mother for encouraging her to cut us out of her life.

Do not allow her to cut you out without you letting her know that you are not leaving without a fight. Send cards to her physical address if you know it and remind her you love her and you are there. It doesn't have to be daily, weekly or stalker like, just let her know. I would bet deep- way deep inside she wants for you to fight for her. Especially if you are the "sane" one in the family.

Wishing you well,

Mountainmanbob

I never expected that much (if anything) from my aunts ??
not sure what's going on here
but
I would just let it all go for now
life seems to be too short to spend time with this

MM

kudzujean

Sadie, I had a similar experience.

I had one niece and doted on her. When she turned 20, I don't know what happened to her. But she managed to alienate me and another sister and other family members. She sent hateful emails. For years we were no contact.

THen...life happened. Fast forward 10 years, she has 2 kids, and hubby has gotten trim and slim and wants to be a single man again.

We are on speaking terms now and last month I went to her daughter's birthday party.

Recovering2

Who knows what her reasons are. Sounds like she had a tough life, and it hasn't gotten any easier by dropping out of school and marrying. I agree I would send her a letter, let her know you love her and will always be there for her. Then let it go.