Worried0810

Hi all!
Well, after having a nice weekend on my own (Dad on holiday) and having no contact, he phoned me earlier.
He says that he missed me and that it's all his fault. I couldn't really say it wasn't but I just said that we are different people who want different things now. I told him that he had said and done things when drinking that really hurt me. He says that he never meant those things. I told him that while that may be true, he still said them and it still hurt. I couldn't put up with the mood swings and broken promises anymore.
He keeps saying that it's his fault, that he's lost me and that he's still waiting for me. I told him that he can't wait for me because I can't come back. There's still a part of me that wants to, but now I have seen what life is like without booze, I like it and I'm not willing to give that up.
He says that he'll never change (but in a resigned way, not a defiant way) and I said that he can if he wants to. He says that maybe he will. That right there is not good enough for me. I told him that while he changes (or not), that I can't be around him because I get hurt.
He asked that I meet him today but I refused. Seeing him is just too much.
I know that I should just block his calls but I don't have that in me. Apart from a few 'friends', he doesn't really have anyone. All his family are in his homeland, and the people that he does have over here, I only know of one couple who aren't alcoholics themselves but they still like a drink.
I told him that I wish we could've made it work but while he drinks, we can't. And even if he stopped, I don't think I could ever trust him again.
This may sound silly, but is there anything I can do to make this process easier for him? I know when he done this to me, if I tried calling him and he didn't answer, it was horrible so I don't really want to do that. But I know that I might have to.

redatlanta

Its simply not an easy process for anyone.

I think you have done what you could - you answered the phone and you told him the truth. You aren't leading him on and that's the kindest thing you can do for him.

And that's what you need to continue to do if you want to make this easy. When you get tired of the phone calls or you start feeling your own self weaken its time to block them.

You did good - really proud of you its hard to hurt someone, even when they earned it.

Thinking

Don't think of it as hurting him. You are bringing reality into his life and that might give him a chance at a happier future.

To make it easier for him, why don't you give him links to support groups? Obviously AA but there are other friendship groups in most areas too. Maybe he can find a healthier group of friends.

Right now, it's too hard for you to block his calls. That's ok. This is baby steps. You are learning to let go too. You can't support him forever though or you won't be able to move on with your own life. At some point you have to accept that you have done all you can and it's not up to you any more. I'm so sorry that this is such a hard process for you (and for him).

Worried0810

It definitely is! I really don't want to hurt him but this is the best thing for both of us really, especially for me. I don't deserve being hurt.
It made me feel really guilty though, but I'm working through that. He accepted that it is his fault (even though I said otherwise, trying to reduce his pain I think!) but I had asked him so many times to stop! And he wouldn't or couldn't do it.
So now I need to think of me, and I am!

Thinking

Now you have to work on believing that it is HIS fault and not yours. So you have no reason to feel guilty and you don't have to make his life better because you didn't mess it up.

You definitely deserve not to be hurt any more. You deserve the chance to be happy too.

Worried0810

Thank you I just sorted out my final electric/gas bill and it was harder than I thought to do it :/ Part of me still thinks that I'm abandoning him and that I didn't give him a proper chance to change. What is stupid because I did! I gave him loads of chances!
I'm going to focus on me for now, and try not to worry. He asked me to go through and meet him but that's the thing - I have to go to him? It's not like he's even making a proper effort! I'm meeting with the agency tomorrow to have my name taken off the lease and then I'm all done!

FeelingGreat

All the best Worried. Your guilt aside, you seem to be doing brilliantly. It may not be obvious, but you're also helping him come to terms with the cost of his addiction.

lillamy

Well... I think it might be easier for both of you if you went no-contact with him. As long as you're talking to him, even if you're saying there's no hope, he may hear hope.

I hear a lot of concern for him in you still. I understand that. I felt the same way. I wanted my ex to be OK with me leaving. I wanted him to say "yes, I understand that I have harmed you so much that you have to leave. I understand, you're doing the right thing, I forgive you."

But those are words you're going to have to tell yourself. It's a bit like I say to my kids: You can't break up with someone and have them NOT be hurt. Either you stay with them and you're miserable, or you break up with them and they're hurt -- and in the grand scheme of things, isn't it better that they're hurt for a while than that you're miserable?

hopeful4

I agree w/lilamy. No contact would be best. No, you cannot help him face for himself what he has caused. He will have to go through the stages of that on his own and come to terms with it himself.

Good for you for sticking to your words and realizing you deserve more!

Worried0810

Lillamy - you're right. I have many concerns for him but I know that he'll be alright eventually. I feel guilty for causing his pain, and I feel like every time I tell him a reason that I left, it makes him feel worse. Bu at the end of the day, if he didn't drink so much then I wouldn't have left.
I'm kinda disappointed in myself because I was feeling so good about things! But speaking to him today has set me back a little, I'm worrying about him again and not focusing on myself like I should be.
But I feel that if I know he is OK, then I can move forward myself.

SparkleKitty

I hope you can find a way to move forward that is not contingent on how he is. He's an active A with no desire to quit, even in the face of losing things he loves. He might not be okay in the long or even short term, but you can be, and deserve to be.

hopeful4

Worried...he may never be "OK" and that is something you have to come to terms with. Until he decides to be well, he won't. Your worrying about it and trying to change it won't help a thing but make both of you miserable. Turn him over to God.

NYCDoglvr

No, and I hope you don't try. It's important for him to really get it that actions have consequences, that his drinking is destroying his life. Maybe someday it will lead to him reaching out for help (but don't count on it, alcoholics are very self-destructive). It is so much better for you to simply move on now ... leaving is always hard but dragging it out hurts your recovery.

hopeful4

FYI...many recovering addicts will tell you that it was not until they lost everything and everyone that they could see that they needed help. He has to decide it in his own head. There are consequences to actions, he has to realize that.

Worried0810

I know, I think he will be alright eventually but as long as he set up in terms of bills and rent etc (he works two jobs so he'll have enough money), and there's nothing I can do emotionally. I want to help him as much as possible but I know that I might need to take a step back for that. I'm not contacting him at all, he always contacts me. One day, I'll be strong enough to block his calls but I'm not right now.
I will have to keep basic contact with him anyway because he owes me money and said that he would repay me. What it feels like is he calls me and it's like a hit for him and he won't contact me for a couple of days and then phone again. How odd!

lillamy

I don't know if this helps at all but -- when I left AXH, there was a whole slew of things I had to learn to do on my own: Open a new bank account; find an apartment; figure out how to get power to my apartment; navigate what phone service to use; do my taxes...

They were all things I hadn't done before -- but they were all things I was totally able to do. I think the same is true for your ex. If he has no choice but to do all those practical things, he will have to learn.

I also think you're right that it's like a hit for him when he calls you and gets you all worked up. That shows him he still has control over you, that he still might have a chance to get his comfortable life with an enabling codie back.

hopeful4

Yup, my XAH has never paid a bill or taken care of anything, ever. Come to find out, it's not that hard. It's just making them take action for themselves. When you no longer take care of things, they step up for themselves. It's good for them too.

Worried0810

See, this is where I'm being irrational. Before we lived together, we both took care of our own bills, rent etc. I've got it into my head that because he's not had to do it for nearly 3 years that somehow he won't cope when I know that he will! When he said 'I've lost everything', it made me feel guilty, like I should go back and take care of him. But after a few weeks, I would just be a tool again - a servant to take him to get beer.
Unfortunately, until the money issue is sorted, I can't go completely no contact. But I will keep it to the bare minimum. It's not that I don't want to talk to him - but I can't, it's too hard right now.

Worried0810

Oh yeah - I am going read up on how to stop being a codie. I am not going to be a Codie for anyone, anymore! Nope! Any suggestions for good books?

lillamy

Worried, I really loved Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." I read the book, and then a couple of years later, I ordered the workbook, re-read the book, and worked through the workbook.

I also worked through the Al-Anon steps with a sponsor once, and then on my own once.