New here...just venting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 1
New here...just venting
Hi all, I'm new here and I'm just looking to vent a little. I grew up with a father who was (is) an alcoholic. He was pretty abusive when I was younger, but he's turned into a great man over the years. I met my wife 14 years ago, been married for 11, and her parents were both alcoholics.
About 8 years ago, I noticed that the two of us were drinking almost every night, so I quit drinking because I always feared turning into the father I had as a child. My wife continued to drink, but she didn't drink at home very often (primarily on weekends)
Unfortunately, my wife's mom passed away 3 years ago from a terminal illness, and her dad followed a few months later from a unexpectedly. She went into a deep depression, has been seeing therapists, and is still grieving to this day. She was drinking a lot of wine & beer at home and it was getting out of control.
About a year ago she agreed to not drink at home or in front of me, and it seemed to help a lot, but over the last month she's had a couple of incidents where she's gotten drunk with a friend and had been really nasty toward me. The latest incident was last week. I was supposed to be heading out for a business trip and I called her to chat before leaving. She was drunk, and I knew that I'd worry my entire trip (I suffer from anxiety), so I canceled my trip. When I got home she flipped out, told me she didn't love me anymore, and that she wanted a divorce. The next morning she immediately apologized, we spent the day together, and we both agreed that we need help. She hasn't been "drunk" all week, but I have smelled alcohol on her breath twice since then.
What concerns me the most right now is how heartless she is when she's drunk. She never was that way before, and I'm worried that it will get worse (or will lead to her hitting me someday) if this progresses. She has talked about going to AA, and she admits to me and her sister that she's an alcoholic, but I think she's too embarrassed to actually attend a meeting.
I love my wife with all my heart, but all this uncertainty about her well being is killing me. I've learned to not confront her when she's been drinking, but just the smell of alcohol on her breath causes me to have an anxiety attack. I literally break out in sweats, and it's so hard to hide that from her. She's such a wonderful woman and it is horrible to see her go through this.
About 8 years ago, I noticed that the two of us were drinking almost every night, so I quit drinking because I always feared turning into the father I had as a child. My wife continued to drink, but she didn't drink at home very often (primarily on weekends)
Unfortunately, my wife's mom passed away 3 years ago from a terminal illness, and her dad followed a few months later from a unexpectedly. She went into a deep depression, has been seeing therapists, and is still grieving to this day. She was drinking a lot of wine & beer at home and it was getting out of control.
About a year ago she agreed to not drink at home or in front of me, and it seemed to help a lot, but over the last month she's had a couple of incidents where she's gotten drunk with a friend and had been really nasty toward me. The latest incident was last week. I was supposed to be heading out for a business trip and I called her to chat before leaving. She was drunk, and I knew that I'd worry my entire trip (I suffer from anxiety), so I canceled my trip. When I got home she flipped out, told me she didn't love me anymore, and that she wanted a divorce. The next morning she immediately apologized, we spent the day together, and we both agreed that we need help. She hasn't been "drunk" all week, but I have smelled alcohol on her breath twice since then.
What concerns me the most right now is how heartless she is when she's drunk. She never was that way before, and I'm worried that it will get worse (or will lead to her hitting me someday) if this progresses. She has talked about going to AA, and she admits to me and her sister that she's an alcoholic, but I think she's too embarrassed to actually attend a meeting.
I love my wife with all my heart, but all this uncertainty about her well being is killing me. I've learned to not confront her when she's been drinking, but just the smell of alcohol on her breath causes me to have an anxiety attack. I literally break out in sweats, and it's so hard to hide that from her. She's such a wonderful woman and it is horrible to see her go through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome Charlie,
It sounds like you are in the thick of a situation. Keep reading here and perhaps read up on detaching with love and setting boundaries for you. Both of these might help you deal with this situation in the way you think best.
It sounds like you are in the thick of a situation. Keep reading here and perhaps read up on detaching with love and setting boundaries for you. Both of these might help you deal with this situation in the way you think best.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Welcome Charlie,
I am glad you have come to the site. There are so many resources available to help you through your painful circumstances. I think you will find the support very comforting as you find your story is a very common story here and there is wonderful support from people who have walked your path.
Have you heard of or thought of attending Al-Anon meetings? Just going into a meeting, hearing and reading the twelve steps and recognizing that there can be light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel has been a Godsend for me!!
First and foremost, you have got to take care of you. It is so easy to get sucked into this disease and get unhealthy because of it. Your life has more value than that. It is a scary, scary feeling when I feel myself getting lost in my husband's alcoholism.
Keep posting, keep reading and know that we all wish you the best!
I am glad you have come to the site. There are so many resources available to help you through your painful circumstances. I think you will find the support very comforting as you find your story is a very common story here and there is wonderful support from people who have walked your path.
Have you heard of or thought of attending Al-Anon meetings? Just going into a meeting, hearing and reading the twelve steps and recognizing that there can be light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel has been a Godsend for me!!
First and foremost, you have got to take care of you. It is so easy to get sucked into this disease and get unhealthy because of it. Your life has more value than that. It is a scary, scary feeling when I feel myself getting lost in my husband's alcoholism.
Keep posting, keep reading and know that we all wish you the best!
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