Splinter74

So my AW has been seeing a T for the last few months, and the guidance provided to her was that moderation and not abstinence was probably her best course of action at this time. (I don't necessarily agree with that approach, but it's not my program... so I have to remind myself that it's none of my business)

However, as a long term enabler/protector/martyr, I have made progress in not enabling and not protecting my AW. I try (and succeed more often than not) in ignoring requests to get her something to drink... and fortunately since she has been seeing T, her persistance in asking me to enable has gotten better. Now I just ignore the first request and that's "usually" the end of the requests for the night.

That being said, I occassionally like to have a drink as well; whether it's a couple beers relaxing on the deck or at a ballgame, or a nice bottle of wine with dinner, or a nice scotch. It's Friday and I personally would like to pick up a few beers for myself for the weekend; but if I do, I know that my AW will be drinking as well and I fear crazy rearing its ugly head.

I know that I shouldn't be drinking in front of her as it would only encourage her to drink, plus I don't want to be enabling her. But if I want a drink shouldn't I be allowed to have one? I know that I can choose not to pick up anything, but she will use the fact that I'd like a few beers anyway as rationale for me to go get some tonight. So do I not pick up beer (even though I want to) just to ensure that I'm not enabling; or do I pick it up as it's what I want to do?

I guess I'm confused as I have given up so many things over the years and we stopped doing things (mainly because I was tired of babysitting) that over the last two years I started focusing on doing things for me. And part of me views this the same way... do I give up having a drink for the sake of her and her recovery?

suki44883

While it would be a nice gesture on your part not to drink in front of her, the plain truth is that she is going to be confronted with alcohol all over the place. It's everywhere because it's legal and most people aren't alcoholics.

That said, the fact that she's still drinking, calling it moderation, kind of makes me feel like saying sure, go ahead and have a few drinks and she can decide for herself whether or not to drink. She will either be successful using moderation or she won't. More will be revealed.

Hammer

More likely you will learn to non-select it for your own sake.

redatlanta

I choose not to drink because it works for me. I used to feel the way that you did. I will have a cocktail here and there out of the house with RAH around and it's not a big deal.

My personal experience when RAH relapsed was him buzzed/drunk and me buzzed/drunk was a very poor mix

My guess is if you drink you can toss all moderation out the window. Your results may vary.

Florence

I chose not to drink at home in order to support my STBXAH when he was pursuing recovery. He chose to drink anyway!

That said, I think it's a good gesture of solidarity, and I actually kind of liked not drinking for the two years I did it with him. It definitely reset some of my values around drinking alongside the alcoholism journey.

POAndrea

For years, I went the total sobriety route myself with the hope that my shining example would what made Himself stop drinking. Of course it didn't, it only meant that I was the only one not drinking. Nothing I could have done, up to and including tap-dancing bare-a$$ naked at the front of the Labor Day parade, would have made him sober. Not that I ever DID, of course, but there was a time when I'd probably have considered it, because I was still stuck in the idea that I could save him through some heroic, selfless act (or something equally delusional.) Bottom line: what will make you feel good about yourself? Figure it out, and then do it. That's a lot harder than it sounds. (And if you DO figure it out, please let me know!)

dandylion

Personally, I wouldn't drink--because it is such a minor "sacrifice" if one is not an alcoholic. If my partner was deathly allergic to beets--yet craved to eat them....I wouldn't eat beets or stockpile beets around him. I might eat beets--if we were miles apart and he would not find me with beets on my breath......lol. Simply because drinking could be a trigger for her--and triggers are to be avoided as much as possible--in early recovery.

HOWEVER--having just said all of this--your wife is still a drinker! If she is drinking and you are not an alcoholic---it is hard to rationalize your not ever drinking at all--if you want to. Still drinking for an actual alcoholic is not the same as recovery.......probably just a temporary slow-down in the action.

Ask us this question next year. I am not just trying to be a buzz-kill to you. Just trying to give a balanced opinion (as I see it, of course).

dandylion


p.s.---were you present to actually hear what this therapist said to her? Is it possible that your wife has "edited" the therapist's words to her own advantage. It could also be a possibility that this therapist is not intimately familiar with alcoholics and addiction. An alcoholic can often pull the wool over an unsuspecting therapist.

hopeful4

Does your couple of drinks mean that much to you since you know your wife will drink too? Call me selfish here, but I would never drink in front of any alcoholic, surely not my spouse. It seems to be rubbing salt into a wound?

Just my take on it.

Aeryn

I quit drinking for 4 years while living with my XRAH while he was still active...looking back on that choice now I PERSONALLY (so this is ME only) find it to have been a bit of a passive agrressive codie choice (for ME, not for everyone)....for the real reason I did it was I was hoping it would encourage him not to drink. I'm still friends with him and he has more than assured me that choice I made was in vain his drinking was his decision and had nothing to do with me. Since I left and started my new life two years ago I now have an occasional drink with friends whenever *I* want to and it's great that my life and my life choices no longer circle around him.

Now he's recovering now and we are still friends and occasionally hang out so of course during those times I see no reason to drink around him....wouldn't make sense...I mean we are hanging out doing something sober no need for me to have a drink to do that.

hopeful4

For me it's the same as having everyone else eat my favorite dessert and not have any. While they could do that, it's a lot nicer if they don't eat that in front of me.

Low Carb $ucks BTW.....

Aeryn

Off topic but I made the lifestyle change to quit gluton and all refined sugar and while it was hard at first (the first two weeks I went totally without) now I can see a sweet and have little to no desire for it and if I do eat it it feels rich and filling....I was addicted to sugar. I also went organic whenever possible I live in a huge liberal city so I have it easy because there are lots of gluton free restaurant choices and organic restaurant choices. Now that I'm 6 months into the lifestyle change I've lost 20 lbs and I'm back to my college weight!!! In addition I feel great! AFter the initial purge (two weeks without totally) I do eat some carbs once in a while now but I'm careful about it but since it's part of my lifestyle it doesn't bother me anymore. Just some encouragement.

(BTW...for me I didn't want my friends to stop eating sweets in front of me...I don't know I just didn't want others changing for me..but that's just me )

lillamy

For some reason, that framing put it in a completely clear light for me. If I choose to not eat a certain food, for whatever reason, there's no way in hell I'd expect other people to stop eating it in front of me. Matter of fact, I'd feel embarrassed and bothered if they did.

I didn't drink for most of my marriage. Made not one bit of difference to AXH's drinking. Not one.

iSPAZ

After learning all I have learned about alcoholism and the destruction that it causes I choose not to drink. Especially after reading the book Under the Influence. Also I think it would be a kind gesture of support to not have it in the house. Last summer I was with some friends and their parents. One of my friends mom had remarried a man whose wife had died of alcoholism. They both drank like fish all day. Nice people but I could not get out of my head of why someone seeing a loved one fall to this disease would choose to continue that path. Of course I did not say anything but had it bouncing around in my gourd as they slammed about a case a piece in the few hours I was there.

Stung

My youngest is majorly allergic to dairy so we're all completely dairy free at my house for safety purposes but also because I realize that she'll be other places where people get to enjoy treats that she won't be able to have (pizza, ice cream, anything with frosting, etc.) so I want our home to be a safe place. Any goodies that are in our home will be for her too. BUT she's a baby. I don't currently have alcohol in our home but I plan on drinking outside of our home even in front of AH. He'll just have to put his big boy pants on and understand that his disease isn't fair but that's life. I'm not an alcoholic. Our home however can be a safe haven for him too so I won't drink here or store wine here. I think that's considerate.

I see nothing wrong with a normie wanting a few drinks on a Friday evening. Maybe go have a few beers at a nice outdoor patio restaurant or tell your wife that you want some alone time at the house. Just take her out of the equation, KWIM?

MIRecovery

The 800 pound gorilla is she is still drinking. If the T actually recommended moderation then they should have their license revoked.

My situation is completely different because I'm sober. I have a dry house but when we go out my wife has her one beer or glass of wine. If she wants to get wild and crazy she has 2

I have no idea what would be appropriate in your situation

Hawkeye13

I don't buy that alcoholics can "moderate"

I tried it last year and failed miserably.

On the Alcoholic and Newcomers boards you see story after story
of failed moderation.

I think once you've rewired the brain / body as an alcoholic, it's basically game
over to ever drink safely. Maybe there are a few exceptions out there, but
I'm not putting money on it.

Trust your gut. If you don't feel safe around her drinking, and she
uses your drinking as an excuse to use, something has to give.

sunshine4ever

I am an Alcoholic Wife and my therapist did tell me to continue drinking 1-2 drinks a night until I was ready for monitored detox, otherwise my body could go into shock. I LOVED her advice and took full advantage of it. I thought I could manage just a couple of drinks, but it ALWAYS turned into 3 or 4 or 5.....you get the point. I could not afford a detox program, so went it on my own. At first, after quitting, my husband would occasionally bring home some beer and I would get SO excited. I felt I had an excuse to drink. After all, my therapist said it was ok, right? But my husband quickly saw this and has not brought alcohol home since. I recognize how critical this is to my recovery. It gets just a bit easier each day and I feel there will come a point where I can be around alcohol without desiring to drink it, but now is not that time (I have not had a drink in 3 weeks). My best friend had a 40th birthday for her husband and I swore to her I'd be there, but had to bail because I nearly had a panic attack thinking about being in a situation like that where there is alcohol. Anyway, you've clearly stuck with her through a lot, so you clearly want your marriage to work or you'd be gone by now. I have no idea why my husband stayed because I put him through hell. But now that I am sober and thinking clearly, I can truly appreciate all of the sacrifices he's made to be with me, including NOT drinking around me while I am still so fragile. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make these last 10 years up to him and re-build his self-esteem that I destroyed. So, if you want your marriage to work, I HIGHLY suggest you suck it up and avoid those couple of beers, at least when you are around her. I realize you probably have a lot of resentment toward her (and rightfully so), but you also had a choice to leave and you did not, so make the most of your choices and don't put her in a position to fail. Best wishes to you my friend.

Croissant

I agree with this wholeheartedly. In fact, when I was on the edge of full blown alcoholism I went to a therapist because I was unsure about pursuing my relationship. I actually broached the fact that I probably was drinking too much. The therapist told me it was natural given the stress I was under. She never explored my relationship with alcohol at all. I ran with that prognosis and never questioned it for a long time (hell, the alcoholic in me was doing a happy dance, more access to alcohol).

My life was at a critical point then. I broke up my relationship with my new found confidence that I didn't have an alcohol problem. Went on to spend more time with my true love. Alcohol.

sorry, I digress. I just don't think a therapist advising any kind of moderation understands alcoholism, or is not being given the full and unedited story.

Liberator4EVA

Exposure to alcoholics and their crazy had a funny effect of killing my own desire to drink, even socially. The association is only with drama , stress and aggravation, it was no longer something i saw as pleasurable.

As a teenager living with AM I had no desire to drink, i hated alcohol and every mention of it brought all these ugly connotations. Moved out , went to University, got away from the A in my life. Having been rather isolated up to that point, i desperately wanted to fit in and make friends, so i learned to drink and enjoy it same as my peers. Perhaps a decade of "normie" alcohol abuse followed. Then I lived in a house share with a former friend from Uni days, now an A, and that killed it for me. The past five years I've lived on my own , and had no desire to drink at all.

As for your situation Splinter, it's a bit of damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario.

If you don't drink at all, even when she is, you'll become the boring old killjoy who's No Fun Anymore. Then she'll say she doesn't want to stop drinking because she'll become boring like you. Or that she drinks because she's trapped in a marriage with someone she can't relate to.

OTOH if you drink, you're undermining her efforts at recovery.

I suppose the compromise, until such a time as her drink problem status is officially resolved, is to never drink when she's not drinking, and never initiate any drinking between the two of you. If however, she's determined to have some alcohol "in moderation" this evening and won't be stopped, you could join her. Up to the point that your own health is at risk.

Splinter74

I'm certain that the therapist is qualified to handle substance abuse, in fact she was who I had found/chosen for our couples consuling after the affair. I actually liked the work she was doing with us, but late last fall we stopped going as I felt that I was the only one that was taking it seriously. This spring when my AW finally admitted she had a problem and wanted to seek help she asked me if she could continue with our therapist. I had to consent that we would no longer seek marital consuling from her; but since the alcoholism was hindering our progress and it was the first time that my AW had actually asked for help, I agreed.

I'm not going to question the methods or steps towards my AW's recovery, it's none of my business (reminding myself). What I have noticed is that the day-drinking and hiding bottles has pretty much stopped over the last few months; which imo is a good thing since I haven't been coming home to a slurring, stumbling mess.

It's just the knowing when to say when thing that needs to be worked on, but my AW is aware that once she starts she has trouble stopping. I think her awareness is a good thing, it's just the figuring out whether or not she is capable of stopping when/if she starts drinking. I have my doubts that she'll be successful based upon what I've seen over the years, but I'll let the T do her work and see what happens.

This past weekend was rather uneventful and peaceful even with a few drinks; she did overindulge but recognized it and acknowledged it the next day. She is more accepting of and recognizing that she has a problem and needs help. Fortunately, the monster didn't come out of its cage, but I was/am aware that alcohol is the keys and that despite it not making an appearance, the cage was unlocked.