queenapple

Hi everyone-

I started reading here a week or so ago. My husband of 44 years is the reason I'm here. (We have 5 grown kids and three grandchildren) He was a long-time drinker, I went to Alanon for a few years, then he quit cold turkey in 2006 when he went to a new doctor who told him he was going to die if he didn't stop drinking. I was in Romania on a mission trip at the time, he quit alone and stayed sober until he had a liver transplant 6 years ago. He had become a Christian, or perhaps just became a practicing Christian during that time. He had to attend meetings to get on the transplant list but he was so sick the last few months he was in the hospital.

While he was in the hospital some other very distressing things came out that we've had to deal with over the past years, but we were managing them.

Fast forward 6 years. He never went to meetings, told me God in his life was enough. We go to a church that believes God can completely change lives so I believed him. Then, two weeks ago, at a family weekend event, he got drunk while the rest of us were out. Over the next few days, many things came out and it turned out he's been drinking, mostly when I'm out of town, but also some when I'm home, for around a year. My son, who lives at home, said he thought I knew and was a turning a blind eye. Uh, no.

So I told him he had to move out--those were the conditions I set 6 years ago when he got the transplant. He's done this without any argument, started going to meetings almost every night. He moved into an apartment two days ago.

I vacillate between extreme detachment and constant crying for all the things that have been lost over the last few years. All the past issues came out to the whole family in the last few weeks-- my son and DIL are very angry at me because other family members knew things they didn't. Things I feared would happen have happened. I feel completely alone and not even able to really grieve with my son around. My children all think I'm doing the right thing making him move out and so do I, but I"m also so saddened by everything that's gone from our lives.

I'm not filing for divorce. I have no reason to, at this point. Not even pursuing legal separation. We're keeping our accounts joint, he pays the bills. We're fortunate enough to not have to worry about money issues too much. He has excellent government retirement and I'm still working but starting SS soon, although I'll still work to supplement it. I'm staying in our house.

I've been to one Alanon meeting and will try to get to more. I feel like I'm getting what I deserve for not being open and honest over the years with all my children, but at the same time, I want to "fix" everything and make it all nice again -- what else is new. We were all having such a great weekend before all this happened and my DIL and I have a long history of issues that were resolving well, and now we're right back to square one.

I know this kind of skips all over the place but that's exactly how I feel. I"m all over the place. Crying in the bathroom or the car a lot. Was supposed to go see grandkids in a play this weekend and told not to come--they're not ready to see me right now. My grandkids are my life and I'm brokenhearted over this, but I understand why they're upset and trying to accept my role in it. Can't be more specific about it.

Thanks for a place to vent!

Blossom717

Hugs to you! This place is great, for someone to listen, share their experiences, and just to have a sort of "family" that you really can't get elsewhere.

This forum gives me the braveness I need, and the know that my HP will help me along the way.

I know what if feels like to be all over the place, it seems to be the norm when with an A. Be proud of yourself for standing your ground and keeping your boundaries.

honeypig

queenapple, I'm glad you found us here at SR. It sounds like you're in a tough spot right now. Coming here to post and read as well as getting back to Alanon are both good ways to help yourself.

My A was a very secretive drinker also, so I can relate to your feelings when you found out your A was drinking again and you had no clue. I had believed mine to be going to AA and sober for FOUR YEARS; he appeared to have been drinking at times but always denied it and I believed him. It wasn't until I found money missing from our savings account that I knew for sure. It's a horrible feeling.

It seems you're very clear on how you wish to handle things w/your A. I'm sorry you don't have the support and understanding of your family during this time. Again, glad you've come to SR, and I hope you find help here.

SeriousKarma

I'm so sorry, Queenapple, that your family isn't being more supportive. What you're going through is difficult enough without the added stress. I'm glad, however, that you found your way here to SR, and are planning on going back to Alanon. I know that Alanon, in particular, can be very helpful when dealing with family stress. At least fifty percent of my home group's meetings are spent, not talking about alcoholism, but in talking about the stress brought on by other family members, and the convoluted family dynamic that living with addiction can create. Sometimes learning to lovingly detach from others, as well as the addict, can be very helpful. For instance, I have a seventeen year old daughter, and recently separated from my alcoholic husband of 22 years. Sometimes I have to practice loving detachment even with her.

I know about crying in the bathroom and the car. Sure makes it hard to put make up on and run errands, doesn't it?

I'm glad your here.

fedup3

queenapple, I'm so sorry on what you're going through and so glad you found us. I was married 39 yrs. and divorced now going on three years but I understand that feeling of missing that part of you, ugh. My xah has never stopped drinking and his health is very serious and he's under the illusion that he might get a liver transplant but I know that will never happen because he won't or can't stop drinking. When everything hit the fan so to speak with his drinking, physical abuse, the kids finding out it seemed my whole world turned upside down and I would cry anytime of the day or night. This is a hard season for you, this is also something your husband needs to make a choice for for himself. Please let God comfort you, keep your eyes on Him and also on how blessed you are for those wonderful grandchildren. I'll be praying for you.

redatlanta

I'm sorry your children are upset. IMO being the child of parents their aired their dirty laundry, and still do, I do not believe children, no matter what age, need to be informed of all things going on with their parents relationship.

What could they have done anyway? We on here learn there is nothing you can do with an addict to make them stop. Nothing. As for other family secrets its really....just nobodies business. You handled it the way you thought best not involving them.

i am sorry for what has happened, and glad your A is cooperative.

queenapple

Thanks, everyone! Hopefully I won't miss anyone here.

Thanks for the prayers! My husband's sisters have both offered to come out and be with him, since they're afraid he won't succeed on his own. He told them both no, he's confident he can do it with his support group and God's help. But isn't that just like FOOs! I force him to face things and they want to make it easier for him!

Thanks goodness he is. Once of my friends said, "He could have told you to go to h**l when you told him to move out." But that's not the way he is.

Bravery is what I need. My son and DIL "disinvited" me to an event of the kids' this weekend, they're not ready to deal with me and the past right now. This DIL has a sister who has cut herself off from their entire family, so I'm hoping this isn't a family trait.

CodeJob

Welcome Queen Apple!

I have really learned a lot here. I am sorry for the strife in your family.