New to This--Not sure How to Proceed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 2
New to This--Not sure How to Proceed
Hello,
This is a first for me, so please excuse any mistakes or dumb questions. I guess the best thing to do is briefly outline my problem. I have an 18 year old daughter, who was an honor student and was accepted to a university. About a month before graduating, she disappeared for 24 hours. We eventually found her at a boys apartment. She was in bed with the young man. She was still 17 at the time, so we took her to the local hospital for a drug screen and an STD test. The drug screen came back positive for amphetimines, marajuana, and alcohol. This was the first clue my wife and I had that there were issues.
Now that we were aware there were problems, we began noticing that things were missing--I discovered that she had pawned her valuables (including a diamond and ruby neclace her grandparents got her for graduation). I was able to recover that, but discovered after talking to the detective with the sheriffs office that she had pawned a number of other items. We elected not to prosecute and thought once we confronted her with the evidence, she would change. That was a mistake.
We confronted her and told her that if she wanted to live here, she had to get help and we would do all we could to see that happen. She didn't want it--she became defensive and blamed us! Anyway, she moved out and in with the boyfriend. Fast forward to this past weekend. My wife and I were in Pensacola on vacation at my brothers. I received a call from my middle daughter that "Clair" (the name I will use for my sick daughter) had somehow gotten into the house. Of course, we dropped everything and drove 9 hours back to Tampa. This morning while balancing my checkbook, I discovered that three checks were missing. After contacting the bank, I discovered that "Clair" had stolen these checks and forged them. She cashed all three for about $200. This is in addition to the three bad checks she wrote to a check cashing place. She is obviously buying drugs.
Here is the biggie-- I filed a report with the sheriffs office this morning for the missing checks. I also filed a forgery affidavit with the bank, who will refund my wife and I the money. They will prosecute her for forgery and theft. I feel AWFUL for doing this. My wife (who is familiar with substance abuse issues from her former husband of 23 years ago) told me that we HAVE to do this. She says that "Clair" must crash before seeking help. She says that everyone who is helping "Clair" is co-dependant. I am not really familiar with the concept, but I feel that I have failed as a father. Is there anyone out there who has faced a similar circumstance? If so, please tell me what you think.
Thank you
FireMedic
Rather than give a detailed report, let me say that my w
This is a first for me, so please excuse any mistakes or dumb questions. I guess the best thing to do is briefly outline my problem. I have an 18 year old daughter, who was an honor student and was accepted to a university. About a month before graduating, she disappeared for 24 hours. We eventually found her at a boys apartment. She was in bed with the young man. She was still 17 at the time, so we took her to the local hospital for a drug screen and an STD test. The drug screen came back positive for amphetimines, marajuana, and alcohol. This was the first clue my wife and I had that there were issues.
Now that we were aware there were problems, we began noticing that things were missing--I discovered that she had pawned her valuables (including a diamond and ruby neclace her grandparents got her for graduation). I was able to recover that, but discovered after talking to the detective with the sheriffs office that she had pawned a number of other items. We elected not to prosecute and thought once we confronted her with the evidence, she would change. That was a mistake.
We confronted her and told her that if she wanted to live here, she had to get help and we would do all we could to see that happen. She didn't want it--she became defensive and blamed us! Anyway, she moved out and in with the boyfriend. Fast forward to this past weekend. My wife and I were in Pensacola on vacation at my brothers. I received a call from my middle daughter that "Clair" (the name I will use for my sick daughter) had somehow gotten into the house. Of course, we dropped everything and drove 9 hours back to Tampa. This morning while balancing my checkbook, I discovered that three checks were missing. After contacting the bank, I discovered that "Clair" had stolen these checks and forged them. She cashed all three for about $200. This is in addition to the three bad checks she wrote to a check cashing place. She is obviously buying drugs.
Here is the biggie-- I filed a report with the sheriffs office this morning for the missing checks. I also filed a forgery affidavit with the bank, who will refund my wife and I the money. They will prosecute her for forgery and theft. I feel AWFUL for doing this. My wife (who is familiar with substance abuse issues from her former husband of 23 years ago) told me that we HAVE to do this. She says that "Clair" must crash before seeking help. She says that everyone who is helping "Clair" is co-dependant. I am not really familiar with the concept, but I feel that I have failed as a father. Is there anyone out there who has faced a similar circumstance? If so, please tell me what you think.
Thank you
FireMedic
Rather than give a detailed report, let me say that my w
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New York City N.Y.
Posts: 29
sorry about your situation, but you gotta believe that it's not your fault first. your daughter has a disease. your wife has lots of info on the disease if she wentthrough this with a former husband, but a refresher course never hurts. try alanon or naranon for people with similar circumstances to to yours, jon has those forums here also!
as for co-dependancy, your wife is correct. i dealt with your situation, but from the daughters end. i'm wondering now if my bro had pressed charges would things have been different? for me probably not,as i had a great number of enablers and i also wasn't ready for recovery at the time. who knows about your daughter? maybe this could be her bottom, and she might not have to suffer as much as some of us here have. only god knows that answer.
but you also have to protect yourself, and by not allowing her to get away with this you are doing that. i believe it could be a wake up call for her. she wants to leave and go out into the big peoples world, well now she'll know big peoples consequences, unfortunately.
i'll pray to my higher power for your daughter to see the light and seek recovery, sometimes the courts look kindly on that. i'll also pray for you that this burden will son be lifted from you.
the sad thing is that this disease fights very unfairly, and sometimes it takes a very long time for us to hit our bottoms and seek help. some of us don't even make it there at all. cold hard sad facts, but it's what your facing. and by learning about this with alanon and other family programs you'll be helping and preparing yourself.
we can't force recovery on anyone, they have to want it, thats why this is a program of attraction not promotion.
as for co-dependancy, your wife is correct. i dealt with your situation, but from the daughters end. i'm wondering now if my bro had pressed charges would things have been different? for me probably not,as i had a great number of enablers and i also wasn't ready for recovery at the time. who knows about your daughter? maybe this could be her bottom, and she might not have to suffer as much as some of us here have. only god knows that answer.
but you also have to protect yourself, and by not allowing her to get away with this you are doing that. i believe it could be a wake up call for her. she wants to leave and go out into the big peoples world, well now she'll know big peoples consequences, unfortunately.
i'll pray to my higher power for your daughter to see the light and seek recovery, sometimes the courts look kindly on that. i'll also pray for you that this burden will son be lifted from you.
the sad thing is that this disease fights very unfairly, and sometimes it takes a very long time for us to hit our bottoms and seek help. some of us don't even make it there at all. cold hard sad facts, but it's what your facing. and by learning about this with alanon and other family programs you'll be helping and preparing yourself.
we can't force recovery on anyone, they have to want it, thats why this is a program of attraction not promotion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Tampa, Fl
Posts: 2
Hello Behind Blue Eyes,
Thank you for your wisdom-everything you said was inspiring. You are right--we have to stick together and hold her accountable. She is self destructive right now and doing all that she can to hurt herself and her family. This site is a God send and people like you are such a wonderful thing. I thank you for your advise and words of wisdom.
FireMedic
Thank you for your wisdom-everything you said was inspiring. You are right--we have to stick together and hold her accountable. She is self destructive right now and doing all that she can to hurt herself and her family. This site is a God send and people like you are such a wonderful thing. I thank you for your advise and words of wisdom.
FireMedic
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi FireMedic,
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
Personally, I don't believe that people have to crash in order to get help. I drank for about 3 years and I could have bottomed out lower than I did when I stopped drinking. I think, in some circumstances, people can stop before they bottom out and I often see on this board people who have decided to stop drinking/using. The crucial thing is, that the person must decide this. It can't be decided for you.
I think you did the right thing and it must have been very hard. You might also check out the NarAnon forum on this board which supports friends and families.
Love, Anna
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
Personally, I don't believe that people have to crash in order to get help. I drank for about 3 years and I could have bottomed out lower than I did when I stopped drinking. I think, in some circumstances, people can stop before they bottom out and I often see on this board people who have decided to stop drinking/using. The crucial thing is, that the person must decide this. It can't be decided for you.
I think you did the right thing and it must have been very hard. You might also check out the NarAnon forum on this board which supports friends and families.
Love, Anna
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi fireMedic,
Welcome. You might want to check out the Nar-Anon forum. There are a lot of people in the same situation who are helping each other to better cope and deal with addiction in their families. Check out the power posts at the top of each forum. They are full of great information. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. You might want to check out the Nar-Anon forum. There are a lot of people in the same situation who are helping each other to better cope and deal with addiction in their families. Check out the power posts at the top of each forum. They are full of great information. Hugs, Magic
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
May God be with You
Welcome, Firemedic--I know that what you did was a difficult and painful thing to do, but it was truly the right thing. My alcohol and drug problem started when I was about your daughters age and my parents, although vaguely aware of the problem, basically enabled me to continue to use for years. What other people have said on this site is true--a person must make a decision for themselves if they want to get help. No one can do it for them. The family and loved ones of an addict have to protect themselves. Alcohol/drug addiction is a disease, a mean and ugly one. Maybe it would help to see your daughter as a sick person who is simply refusing to take her medicine. Hopefully, she will realize what she needs to do soon. If not, you cannot blame yourself.
As far as needing to hit bottom goes, all addicts do that before they can get clean. However, the bottom can be different from person to person. The first time I got sober I had nothing--no car, no job, no money, no home, no friends, huge debt, and most of all, no feeling of self-worth. Unfortunately, I thought I could handle it alone. Ten years later, and a lot wiser, I am back in recovery. This time, on the outside, the bottom wasn't nearly as bad. All that happened was that I lost a job. On the inside, however, I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. Now I have been clean and sober for 137 days and life has improved 200%.
Hang on to your hope and one day your daughter will come around. In the mean time, though, don't forget to take care of yourself, live your life, and trust in God (or any Higher Power).
Good Luck!!
As far as needing to hit bottom goes, all addicts do that before they can get clean. However, the bottom can be different from person to person. The first time I got sober I had nothing--no car, no job, no money, no home, no friends, huge debt, and most of all, no feeling of self-worth. Unfortunately, I thought I could handle it alone. Ten years later, and a lot wiser, I am back in recovery. This time, on the outside, the bottom wasn't nearly as bad. All that happened was that I lost a job. On the inside, however, I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. Now I have been clean and sober for 137 days and life has improved 200%.
Hang on to your hope and one day your daughter will come around. In the mean time, though, don't forget to take care of yourself, live your life, and trust in God (or any Higher Power).
Good Luck!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi FireMedic
I'm Rowan, I'm an alcoholic.
Your daughter is much loved by you and your wife, that much is apparent.
I was your daughter's age when I starting getting into trouble drinking. My
parents had no idea, and even when they knew I had been drinking, they
pretended not to see. That made it even harder for me. I feel it would have
made such a difference had my parents communicated to me that they loved me no matter what and they wanted to get me some help. 20 years later,
I am sober and in much better shape physically, mentally and spiritually. My
relationship with my parents is very good and they are becoming more supportive of my disease and my recovery.
I can imagine how difficult it is to detach from someone you love, especially when you see them hurting themselves so. All you can do is offer the help;
to get her into a treatment centre, etc. And the decision is hers. And please make sure you tell her that you love her! Hug her and love her no matter what.
What really floored me about your post is the fact that you took her to a clinic to get tested for STD's after you found her in bed with her boyfriend. Bravo! I wish my parents were so well informed, and so level-headed! My Dad would have leveled the guy then banished me to my room for several days, punishing me with his silence.
And so. All I can offer is encouragement. I wish you the best. Please keep in touch and let us know how things go. Keep the faith.
Rowan
I'm Rowan, I'm an alcoholic.
Your daughter is much loved by you and your wife, that much is apparent.
I was your daughter's age when I starting getting into trouble drinking. My
parents had no idea, and even when they knew I had been drinking, they
pretended not to see. That made it even harder for me. I feel it would have
made such a difference had my parents communicated to me that they loved me no matter what and they wanted to get me some help. 20 years later,
I am sober and in much better shape physically, mentally and spiritually. My
relationship with my parents is very good and they are becoming more supportive of my disease and my recovery.
I can imagine how difficult it is to detach from someone you love, especially when you see them hurting themselves so. All you can do is offer the help;
to get her into a treatment centre, etc. And the decision is hers. And please make sure you tell her that you love her! Hug her and love her no matter what.
What really floored me about your post is the fact that you took her to a clinic to get tested for STD's after you found her in bed with her boyfriend. Bravo! I wish my parents were so well informed, and so level-headed! My Dad would have leveled the guy then banished me to my room for several days, punishing me with his silence.
And so. All I can offer is encouragement. I wish you the best. Please keep in touch and let us know how things go. Keep the faith.
Rowan
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