Patticakes

Hello all my dear friends!
So..... I decided last weekend to take a LONG weekend away from home and let my AH do his thing. Whatever it may be..... I decided it was time to take care of me and do the things that made me feel alive and "me" again!

So I left for 4 nights & 4 days. I had a beautiful time! With myself, with a couple of friends and with my daughter's kitty cats and chicken. It seriously WAS beautiful!

Evidently my AH spent that time getting as drunk as his possibly could. Not really a surprise to me. I really had no expectation that he would pull it together while I was gone. (Sorry, I sound sort of bitchy there.) But the day I was planning on coming back his text was, "When you come home tonight I will be sober and sober for every day for the rest of my life!" I have NO doubt he meant it at that moment. I really do "get" this sucky disease. I came home Monday night. Things felt "calm", "normal" ........aaaahhhh!!!

So last night, Thursday, here we go again. I guess the feeling of needing to vomit had passed.....so he did it again. Of COURSE he thinks I don't know. But everything points to the truth I know. Oh I HATE that I know the signs. Crap...I know the signs.

So here I am.... mulling over what I can handle. Keep leaving "my" house that I bought before we ever got married so I can have some peaceful time with my grand-chickie.... or stay and try to detach and get some order back in my home? I have been told that I will KNOW when I am done....when I am ready to cut that line and move forward.

Fell down on my knees tonight and prayed for "my" higher power to take over. I AM THERE!!! TAKE IT, CHANGE IT, CHANGE MEEEEEEE!!!

I know SO WELL that so many of you are going through the same feelings, issues, problems! I never realized how MANY of us there were until this last year. Good heavens, slow learner! I have been in this relationship with my AH for over ten years! I thank God everyday for all of you and pray that together we can make some serious progress!!

Charmed3

I am sorry Patticakes, even going through my own struggles my heart hurts for everyone who is struggling along with me.

I can't agree with you more... everyday I read at least one post here that makes me realize how many of us there are and the common experiences we share.

Keep praying, he is listening. You will know when it is your time.

Hugs to you.
Charmed3

Live

Glad you had a glorious time, what a breath of fresh air, huh?

Not sure what you are asking here?

biminiblue

I left my AH when I had no job, very little money, and only one friend in the area. My family was 3,000 miles away and not about to bail me out.

When you leap, God is there to catch you, of that you can be sure.

((hugs))

Mango blast

Prayers your way, Patticakes. I'm sorry you're going through this too.
I think you did find a part of your answer in that you're praying for your own change. One day at a time. Baby steps. I'm so glad you had a good time while you were away!

Patticakes

Hi Live..... not even sure what I was asking myself. Just working out all the feelings & the thoughts with those who understand where I am.
Oh my GOSH the days of breathing in and breathing out without feeling the tightness in the chest are GLORIOUS days for SURE!!
Hoping one day to have more and more days like that.... more and more days where I feel that I have savored the moments of life gifted to me.

Raider

Very sad. I do hope you have the strength to do the right thing for you, before it's too late. Prayers to you.

Seren

Hi Patticakes!

I'm glad you had a fun time

Sometimes, taking no action is the best choice for a time....it gives you time to become strong in your conviction of what is right for you. It gives you the strength to take any actions you need to take. Sending up prayers for you and your family!

Patticakes

Thank so you much Seren! My sponsor said the same thing to me last night. She did tell me it is absolutely my choice what decision to make and when. Taking the time to heal seems to be a very wise choice. I realized just finding a bottle of booze in the house when I "thought" he was going to stop sends my emotions flying around in me like wild fire! I don't say a word to him about it..... why would I? He is never going to listen to me. It used to hurt my feelings so much that I just don't matter in this equation. Now, I am beginning to feel some relieve in that.

That means I am allowed to have feelings about the whole situation. NOW, I do need to hold my tongue and treat him in a way I won't feel regretful about the next morning. I have even learned it is okay to just not talk to him. I don't ignore when he talks to me..... I just create space between us and don't engage in any "how was your day?"conversation. It does feel fairly "cool" for me....I still find it a bit uncomfortable detaching, BUT when I feel the way I did about him last night the words that would have come out of my mouth would have been regretted by me the very next day.

INSTEAD I called my sponsor and spewed out the awful thoughts I was having and what I really felt like saying to him last night! We actually got a few laughs out of it and she assured me I was feeling normal feelings living in the middle of this disease. PHEW, I am not a crazy person who needs a straight jacket. I am human. Nice.

LONG and short....taking time to work through all my feelings and being able to make a decision when my emotions aren't rampantly roaring through me like a lioness is probably a good choice. Thank GOD for all of you who understand and are able to help with suggestions that have worked for you.

It makes me sad to think of HOW MANY of us there are! Good heavens....bind us together so we can give each other the power and strength we need to survive, THRIVE and find peace in our lives!

Hugs to you ALL!