How to help my Dad that has been drinking 40 years
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Join Date: May 2014
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How to help my Dad that has been drinking 40 years
Hi, i am 28 years old, I am married and have my own house and have not lived with my parents for 8 years. My Dad has been a functioning alcoholic since before i was born. He is now 59 and drinks 8-10 beers every day and has drank at least 6 a night since i can remember. maybe 2-3 times that i can remember he has stopped for 6 months or so. But starts back with 1 beer a night and a few weeks later he was right back where he was. He just retired and he is getting worse but will swear he does not have a problem and its normal to drink every night. Plus every half brained excuse you could think of. From he cant sleep to, who are you to tell me anything you smoke and that is just as bad so you don't have the right to say anything to me.
When he was working he would get off work at 3pm and sit around the house maybe doing a little work or mow the yard and at 5-5:30 his day was done. And about 4:30 every day he would start looking at his watch and getting agitated waiting for 5:00 to come around and would just kind of stare at something and snap at the whole family . He would make a nightly trip to the gas station to buy beer and hide in the back room drinking by himself. He would just down 1-2 beers and then he would calm down until he got buzzed and then walked around being loud and mouthy. He never got violent or falling down drunk. He also would never drink around people or in public. Not only that he would not drink unless the whole family was home so we could not go out and do anything because he wanted us home. We had a 7pm bedtime until i was in 8th grade. Also he would NEVER get out of the house to do anything and when we did he would start planing his return trip around a gas station to buy beer. A soon as we got in the car to leave if it was at night he would start getting agitated and snapped at everyone and just flat tuned out everyone in the car like he was on a mission to find beer. Then when he got in the door he would immediately drop the beer in the fridge and crack one open while standing with the fridge door open and down one and grab a second. He used to even go as far to drive a separate car to family events so he could leave early to go home and drink.
He is the kind of person he will never hit rock bottom he never missed work or drove while drinking. But now he is retired and wakes up 10am-noon and mopes around waiting on 5:00 and starts drinking. Now he is up to 10 beers a day. And now he is not eating much of anything maybe a ham sandwich all day. He is loosing weight and doing noting but drinking.
I have a son on the way and i will not let me son step foot in the house with him if he is drinking and i have had enough.
How can i go about helping him stop drinking. He is one stubborn man that you cant tell anything to.
When he was working he would get off work at 3pm and sit around the house maybe doing a little work or mow the yard and at 5-5:30 his day was done. And about 4:30 every day he would start looking at his watch and getting agitated waiting for 5:00 to come around and would just kind of stare at something and snap at the whole family . He would make a nightly trip to the gas station to buy beer and hide in the back room drinking by himself. He would just down 1-2 beers and then he would calm down until he got buzzed and then walked around being loud and mouthy. He never got violent or falling down drunk. He also would never drink around people or in public. Not only that he would not drink unless the whole family was home so we could not go out and do anything because he wanted us home. We had a 7pm bedtime until i was in 8th grade. Also he would NEVER get out of the house to do anything and when we did he would start planing his return trip around a gas station to buy beer. A soon as we got in the car to leave if it was at night he would start getting agitated and snapped at everyone and just flat tuned out everyone in the car like he was on a mission to find beer. Then when he got in the door he would immediately drop the beer in the fridge and crack one open while standing with the fridge door open and down one and grab a second. He used to even go as far to drive a separate car to family events so he could leave early to go home and drink.
He is the kind of person he will never hit rock bottom he never missed work or drove while drinking. But now he is retired and wakes up 10am-noon and mopes around waiting on 5:00 and starts drinking. Now he is up to 10 beers a day. And now he is not eating much of anything maybe a ham sandwich all day. He is loosing weight and doing noting but drinking.
I have a son on the way and i will not let me son step foot in the house with him if he is drinking and i have had enough.
How can i go about helping him stop drinking. He is one stubborn man that you cant tell anything to.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
You can't help stop his drinking.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
That would be entirely up to him, and it doesn't sound like he's interested
Please read the stickys at the top of the page and learn as much as you can
about the disease.
It sounds like it will progress quickly now.
My mother did the exact same thing when she retired--shut the front door of her house,
and quickly began drinking more and smoking at increasing rates until she died.
I made myself nearly crazy and almost destroyed my marriage trying to "save" her.
It didn't work.
I suggest stepping away from him and his choices and letting it go.
You have your own family to focus on, and frankly, the time will be better spent there.
I know it hurts to do that. A flawed, controlling, emotionally disengaged alcoholic parent is still your parent--I get it.
Best to you.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
That would be entirely up to him, and it doesn't sound like he's interested
Please read the stickys at the top of the page and learn as much as you can
about the disease.
It sounds like it will progress quickly now.
My mother did the exact same thing when she retired--shut the front door of her house,
and quickly began drinking more and smoking at increasing rates until she died.
I made myself nearly crazy and almost destroyed my marriage trying to "save" her.
It didn't work.
I suggest stepping away from him and his choices and letting it go.
You have your own family to focus on, and frankly, the time will be better spent there.
I know it hurts to do that. A flawed, controlling, emotionally disengaged alcoholic parent is still your parent--I get it.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You can't do anything to make him change his ways. Nothing you say will cause him to sober up bc it doesn't sound like he believes there's an issue.
Your childhood sounds stressful and sad and he was oblivious bc he was eager for the next beer.... I'm so sorry to read what things were like for you and they remind me of what life married to my xAH was like. Agitated looking for beer, taking two cars places, wanting to leave places early to go drink alone etc...
I think the best thing you can do is set clear limits about what you'll allow around your own family and soon to be child. I imagine you want your dad involved in your child's life and that it will be hard to have to decide whether you can allow that if he continued to drink.
All you can control is you and as a husband and dad your obligation is to keep your own little family in good shape. And you have every right to do whatever it takes to make sure your child has a far more peaceful life than you did.
Your childhood sounds stressful and sad and he was oblivious bc he was eager for the next beer.... I'm so sorry to read what things were like for you and they remind me of what life married to my xAH was like. Agitated looking for beer, taking two cars places, wanting to leave places early to go drink alone etc...
I think the best thing you can do is set clear limits about what you'll allow around your own family and soon to be child. I imagine you want your dad involved in your child's life and that it will be hard to have to decide whether you can allow that if he continued to drink.
All you can control is you and as a husband and dad your obligation is to keep your own little family in good shape. And you have every right to do whatever it takes to make sure your child has a far more peaceful life than you did.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I agree 100% with Hawkeye.
Step away, without guilt. It is his problem. He created it and he will not care what you or anyone else will say.
I would start preparing for his death if it were me. He's in a very dangerous place.
Step away, without guilt. It is his problem. He created it and he will not care what you or anyone else will say.
I would start preparing for his death if it were me. He's in a very dangerous place.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Welcome Bugman. Sorry for the worry you are going through. Others have outlined that it's his choice to stop, there really is nothing you can do, other than be very clear on why you do not want your child around him whilst drinking.
You'll find lots of support here in the Friends and Family section, where you can see how others cope with it.
As a child of an alcoholic, I completely understand your concern and it does take time to come to terms with the fact the decision is actually up to the drinker. It's also not a reflection of their lack of love for you if they don't stop. Alcoholism is a very powerful thing.
Alcoholism is a very dangerous disease. Sounds like your Father is very attached to his drinking. Bimini, so blunt!
You'll find lots of support here in the Friends and Family section, where you can see how others cope with it.
As a child of an alcoholic, I completely understand your concern and it does take time to come to terms with the fact the decision is actually up to the drinker. It's also not a reflection of their lack of love for you if they don't stop. Alcoholism is a very powerful thing.
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I agree 100% with Hawkeye.
Step away, without guilt. It is his problem. He created it and he will not care what you or anyone else will say.
I would start preparing for his death if it were me. He's in a very dangerous place.
Step away, without guilt. It is his problem. He created it and he will not care what you or anyone else will say.
I would start preparing for his death if it were me. He's in a very dangerous place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Croissant, perhaps.
I was just where the dad is.
Quit my job, had some savings, started drinking much more. No one could have known, and no one could have saved me. I have no family to reel me in. I did manage to reel myself in, but I know that I'm just one of the lucky ones. Within a year I probably would have died. I knew enough about alcoholism to see the signs and scared myself. I had also "recovered" for 18 years previously, so I had the far-away-almost-forgotten knowledge and tools.
I hope the OP's father gets some help.
But if it were my dad I wouldn't be putting down any bets. I've heard a lot of stories like this in AA.
I was just where the dad is.
Quit my job, had some savings, started drinking much more. No one could have known, and no one could have saved me. I have no family to reel me in. I did manage to reel myself in, but I know that I'm just one of the lucky ones. Within a year I probably would have died. I knew enough about alcoholism to see the signs and scared myself. I had also "recovered" for 18 years previously, so I had the far-away-almost-forgotten knowledge and tools.
I hope the OP's father gets some help.
But if it were my dad I wouldn't be putting down any bets. I've heard a lot of stories like this in AA.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Maybe just an honest talk with your dad.
Tell him you're worried about his health from drinking too much.
Tell him you want him around to see his grand kids grow up.
I do know one thing,if you yell or act and any way like you're trying to push it.
He's just going to write you off,I would have.
There's really nothing you can do other than support him.
Tell him you're worried about his health from drinking too much.
Tell him you want him around to see his grand kids grow up.
I do know one thing,if you yell or act and any way like you're trying to push it.
He's just going to write you off,I would have.
There's really nothing you can do other than support him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
This was extremely hard to read.
A clock watching existence … Everyone and everything in its place, all responsibilities met, as if that ever made it ok.
Please understand that his drinking isn’t about you. That it isn’t for you to fix, point out, or change. You can not save him. You won’t be able to get him to see anything. He isn’t capable now, and sadly may never be. Please understand that the only thing you can do is accept him for how he is in the moment, know that it is ok to love him as he is and to protect yourself and step away if you want too, have faith that he can find within himself a reason to change and that it isn’t on anyone but him if he chooses not to … and then let him go.
In terms of your son on the way (congratulations), if you do not want him around your dad because of the drinking then you don’t. There is no need for guilt over that decision. If you can find a way to see your dad before the drinking starts on a given day surely that is an option but you can’t expect it to give him a reason to change and you shouldn‘t make a decision like that thinking that you have to, or that it is the right thing to do. You have to accept that you are doing it because you really want your dad to know his grandchild with no motive tied to it or expectations.
There is an adult children of alcoholics board here as well. Lots of good information that can help you help yourself. In the end we only can save ourselves and knowing this from both sides, using and watching someone I love use … well I know how important it is to get help, no matter where you sit in the mix.
Take good care of you!
A clock watching existence … Everyone and everything in its place, all responsibilities met, as if that ever made it ok.
Please understand that his drinking isn’t about you. That it isn’t for you to fix, point out, or change. You can not save him. You won’t be able to get him to see anything. He isn’t capable now, and sadly may never be. Please understand that the only thing you can do is accept him for how he is in the moment, know that it is ok to love him as he is and to protect yourself and step away if you want too, have faith that he can find within himself a reason to change and that it isn’t on anyone but him if he chooses not to … and then let him go.
In terms of your son on the way (congratulations), if you do not want him around your dad because of the drinking then you don’t. There is no need for guilt over that decision. If you can find a way to see your dad before the drinking starts on a given day surely that is an option but you can’t expect it to give him a reason to change and you shouldn‘t make a decision like that thinking that you have to, or that it is the right thing to do. You have to accept that you are doing it because you really want your dad to know his grandchild with no motive tied to it or expectations.
There is an adult children of alcoholics board here as well. Lots of good information that can help you help yourself. In the end we only can save ourselves and knowing this from both sides, using and watching someone I love use … well I know how important it is to get help, no matter where you sit in the mix.
Take good care of you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I suggest you accept the limitations of the relationship with your dad. Love him for who he is, when he's sober, and try to avoid him whenever he is drinking.
He has lived a long time on this path, and if he ever decides he wants to become someone other than who he is, he will make it happen. He won't even need the imput of others to do so.
You can try telling him that it is painful to watch, hard to have a relationship with him, that you love him and wish that he cared for his mind and body enough to change. Once you've said that, he will know how you feel.
The problem is that the alcoholic laden brain's distorted thinking along with a long and habitual way of life, their thinking is so very different from the view of his life from a sober perspective, that he can't even imagine the view you have of his life. He lives in a different world, quite frankly. Same earth, but might as well be Mars.
He has lived a long time on this path, and if he ever decides he wants to become someone other than who he is, he will make it happen. He won't even need the imput of others to do so.
You can try telling him that it is painful to watch, hard to have a relationship with him, that you love him and wish that he cared for his mind and body enough to change. Once you've said that, he will know how you feel.
The problem is that the alcoholic laden brain's distorted thinking along with a long and habitual way of life, their thinking is so very different from the view of his life from a sober perspective, that he can't even imagine the view you have of his life. He lives in a different world, quite frankly. Same earth, but might as well be Mars.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
I suggest you accept the limitations of the relationship with your dad. Love him for who he is, when he's sober, and try to avoid him whenever he is drinking.
He has lived a long time on this path, and if he ever decides he wants to become someone other than who he is, he will make it happen. He won't even need the imput of others to do so.
You can try telling him that it is painful to watch, hard to have a relationship with him, that you love him and wish that he cared for his mind and body enough to change. Once you've said that, he will know how you feel.
The problem is that the alcoholic laden brain's distorted thinking along with a long and habitual way of life, their thinking is so very different from the view of his life from a sober perspective, that he can't even imagine the view you have of his life. He lives in a different world, quite frankly. Same earth, but might as well be Mars.
He has lived a long time on this path, and if he ever decides he wants to become someone other than who he is, he will make it happen. He won't even need the imput of others to do so.
You can try telling him that it is painful to watch, hard to have a relationship with him, that you love him and wish that he cared for his mind and body enough to change. Once you've said that, he will know how you feel.
The problem is that the alcoholic laden brain's distorted thinking along with a long and habitual way of life, their thinking is so very different from the view of his life from a sober perspective, that he can't even imagine the view you have of his life. He lives in a different world, quite frankly. Same earth, but might as well be Mars.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
You can't help stop his drinking.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
That would be entirely up to him, and it doesn't sound like he's interested
Please read the stickys at the top of the page and learn as much as you can
about the disease.
It sounds like it will progress quickly now.
My mother did the exact same thing when she retired--shut the front door of her house,
and quickly began drinking more and smoking at increasing rates until she died.
I made myself nearly crazy and almost destroyed my marriage trying to "save" her.
It didn't work.
I suggest stepping away from him and his choices and letting it go.
You have your own family to focus on, and frankly, the time will be better spent there.
I know it hurts to do that. A flawed, controlling, emotionally disengaged alcoholic parent is still your parent--I get it.
Best to you.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
That would be entirely up to him, and it doesn't sound like he's interested
Please read the stickys at the top of the page and learn as much as you can
about the disease.
It sounds like it will progress quickly now.
My mother did the exact same thing when she retired--shut the front door of her house,
and quickly began drinking more and smoking at increasing rates until she died.
I made myself nearly crazy and almost destroyed my marriage trying to "save" her.
It didn't work.
I suggest stepping away from him and his choices and letting it go.
You have your own family to focus on, and frankly, the time will be better spent there.
I know it hurts to do that. A flawed, controlling, emotionally disengaged alcoholic parent is still your parent--I get it.
Best to you.
He remarried quickly against all advice, a psychopath this time, instead of BPD (my mother) , who was goldigging. Quickly isolated him, he'd blow up whenever I suggested the drinking was a problem or that he should come to my area.
So sad. He had set to drinking himself to death, and there wasn't anything I could do. I told him I couldn't bear to see him that way, and I stayed away the last two years.
He went the way HE wanted to.
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