rdrji

Hi all- I am new here..and first off want to THANK YOU for all the things you say that help me! I recently kicked out my A boyfriend of 6 years. Long story short, I worked, paid all the bills, provided everything while he sat around drinking, lost jobs, went to jail for multiple dui's, left me at times, and stole money from me and even my children. It sounds crazy to stick with someone like that but I stupidly believed him every time he was "ready to change." I fought like a champ (or more like an idiot) for him EVERY time things went bad. I felt that I was doing it out of love- codependency??
Anyway- I FINALLY called his parents to get him out of my house because he was hurting me financially and I didn't want my children to witness his alcoholic behavior anymore. I FINALLY got to my breaking point and did what I thought was right. Basically his mom and dad picked him up and put him in rehab. (They have expressed many times that they do not want him living with them...but when I suggested intervention they just told me to stop talking about it and basically go away) Now they are blaming ME. REALLY?? Is this typical?? Can someone enlighten me as to why they would place all their anger towards me when I loved and cared for him? They tell me that he needed "cold turkey" no beer and it was my responsibility to make that happen. He was as full blown dependent as it gets I think... He shook, vomitted, and couldn't function without alcohol. He lost jobs, got mutiple DUI, He stole from me, lied, hid beer cans..you name it to get alcohol. Was I supposed to follow him around? I am a teacher and have many students plus my own two kids to care for everyday...(He's 35) His dad even emailed me today to say that if he and I end up together in the future then he will be out of the will. Wow!! It hurts so much to have someone hate me like that...and even make threats to keep someone from me. I'm a hard-working good woman...why does the pain just go on and on with him and is now coming from the family? How can I let it go?????? I can't stand it that I suffered while trying to support and love this man- and now I am considered such a horrid person that his dad has to threaten his inheritance?? Help! I am just confused and hoping someone can give me insight. Help me to LET IT GO!!

SparkleKitty

They are angry that you have handed them back their son and aren't willing to let his problems be your problems anymore. It really is that simple. It says everything about them, and nothing about you.

Refiner

SK... I was going there, too. But the part where they're threatening to oust him from the will if she and he ever get back together doesn't make sense. At first I thought they were just trying to make rdrji feel guilty and take the blame so she'd take him back. But the will part doesn't make that angle work. I think they're just JERKS, actually. Lol. rdrji... just count your blessings you WEREN'T married to this guy and his freaky parents!!!

fedup3

rdrji, they're mad that he's again on their doorstep and have to deal with him and his problems! He didn't start being an alcoholic with you. I'm sure his folks can tell you quite a few stories. There is a saying in Al Anon, "it's none of my business what other people think of me". You said you kicked him out so now you and your kids can begin to heal, it will take time but you've already made the first move towards it.

suki44883

Perhaps you can start letting go by cutting off all contact with him and his parents. He is not your problem. They are not your problem. He's not their problem either, but that's something that has nothing to do with you.

You've been through the wringer with him and his issues and now that you've got him out of your home, it's time for you to focus on what is best for your and your children. There is nothing you can do for him.

lillamy

I'm glad they're so insightful. Given that they know exactly what to do, and think you don't, I think it's only common sense that they take care of him and "make him sober" -- don't you?

Seriously, let the blame game bs roll off your back. And for the record, he needs to detox under medical supervision. Anything else could be life-threatening.

You have to be a bit grateful to his father, though. If he's threatening to cut his son out of his will if he ever ends up back with you, that should be a layer of protection against your BF coming back, right?

Chin up, buttercup. You can do this. He's not your responsibility -- thank God!

SparkleKitty

Heh -- i took it as some serious codie quacking myself...

dandylion

rdrji---Do you know exactly--for sure--what he has been telling them about you??

dandylion

ladyscribbler

Alcoholics don't spring out of nowhere fully formed. They are cultivated for years by a sick family system. Nothing can be the alcoholic's fault, nothing can be the family's fault, so a scapegoat must be found. Exes are a very convenient scapegoat. The same thing happened when I left my ex. Everything was my fault.
He drank when he was with you and he's drinking since you booted him. He's an alcoholic and his family are enablers who need for everything to be someone else's fault so no one looks at how effed up they are.
Hugs. You did the right thing. All their crazymaking just confirms it.

AnvilheadII

go no contact with the whole lot of them. they are operating at a high level of dysfunction and it will only make you batchit crazy to try and keep and make sense of it all.

rdrji

Wow guys! I just dropped my students off at the bus and checked ...thinking it hasn't been ebough time for responses. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes from what you are replying....You have no idea how alone I have been about all this (Well...I guess you have since you're on here- ha) I feel so much better already and this advice is so meaningful to me. Thank you! Thank you!! I have had a pit in my stomach all day until I read your responses to my post. I hope I can be there for you just as much. You have helped put me on the journey of letting go. I think I can do this... Thanks new friends

iSPAZ

I was told by my in-laws that it was my fault. That she was fine till she married me. I was furious until I really thought about it fully. They are ignorant of alcoholism. I am not and have spent countless hours learning about the disease if it is one. I was in denial until the last year or so and I lived with her how could I expect them to see the whole picture. Also why do I even give a flip. Plus it is their daughter and they don't want to deal with the guilt. I am certain they are clueless of the three C's. Didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. It does just add to the pain when you are already being abused by the Alcoholic to then be blamed for their poor choices. Hurts bad. When you have heard enough of the stories and analyzed all that you did do to make things right you will be more at peace knowing the truth. It is not your fault!!!!! I am pretty certain you were not pouring alcohol down anyone's throat. Alcoholics drink because... well they are alcoholics. My guess is he will drink more with you out of the picture and as it progresses which it will. I have never heard of a case where it does not progress. Hope things get better soon.

CarryThatWeight

Sometimes there is a weird dynamic between mothers and sons. I call it the "my son can do no wrong" syndrome. Since their son is perfect, this little drinking problem can't be his fault, so it must be yours. It absolutely is ignorance of alcoholism, as a PP pointed out. If he does continue to drink/struggle after rehab, and you two remain separated, who will they blame then? I know it hurts, but try to remind yourself to consider the source: in this case, a HIGHLY dysfunctional family. I wouldn't take it too personally. Hang in there!

Charmed3

So sorry what you are going through, your post just jumped out at me because of my own experience.

Though I probably should have realized I did not know that my STBX was an alcoholic when I met him. Yes he drank, but I had no idea that he had past "issues" with alcohol.

His family loved me in the beginning. Of course now I see why. His parents were very happy that he finally had someone with a good job and financially sound. His Mom whispered to me once how wonderful she doesn't have to worry about him anymore. I found that strange but now know why. The entire family, loved me and said I was the BEST!! Well about 4 years in when his "issues" became a problem for me suddenly it was all my fault he drank and in their eyes still is even though I have been gone 8 months.

Even after his many problems with alcohol and pills, numerous ER trips, a near miss on a DUI (he was lucky they felt sorry for him), suspended from work for alcohol in his system and 3 stints in treatment while on my tour of duty and they still blame me for his drinking problem. After all 3 trips to treatment he went right back to hanging out with family and drinking and they have all decided that he absolutely doesn't have a problem but that I FORCED him into treatment and he really isn't an alcoholic I just make him want to drink and he needs to learn to "control his drinking".

I stopped all contact with his family a very long time ago but tried to make my marriage work. He was told then as long as he stayed with me he wouldn't be in the will. Clearly they aren't that well-off because even HE didn't give a rip about the will threat.

Just like a true alcoholic every time he went on a bender he would run to his family and together they would band together to taunt and attack me.

When I got to the end of my rope, I left before I did something awful with that rope (just kidding)

Consider yourself lucky if they want nothing to do with, you will be better off without him and his family. I know I am.

missboots

Break up with them too.

I am so happy for you! Such a weight off the shoulders when we don't have to fret all day about an alcoholic, isn't it?

My in-laws enable my husband and alcoholic BIL and they'll never stop. We can't understand it but thank God, you don't have to deal with it! If your boyfriend's parents call- Can't talk now.
Email- Spam it.
Show up at the door- Too busy for a visit.

LoveMeNow

This is very common! It's not personal, although it certainly feels like it is. Time and clarity will help you see it for what it is.....just the typical blame game!!

Glad that you are taking care of you and your kids!!