Kd23

It will be two years in September that my dad took his own life due to his addictions and the consequences that followed. My fiancé of two years has always liked to drink. I just shook it off because that's what I came accustom to. After my dad passed, I had a whole new hatred for alcohol drugs etc. thinking maybe I would be more happy if I tried to cover up my heartache and sadness by trying to drink and do things that I thought would be an escape. But I hate the feeling it gives you. It makes me extremely sick and I feel brain dead. So I don't participate if we go out with friends or if he brings home a 6 pack. He seemed to slow down quite a bit after my dad passed and I was the happiest I have been in a long time. Slowly but surely over the past year he has been drinking more and more. In fact for the past three days. I love him when he is sober, hate him with just a couple drinks. I have had the same conversation with him countless times. Please don't drink so much. We need the extra money. He becomes unproductive. Moody. And irrational. He responds with "at least I can still walk."
How do I handle this? I am still extremely young. I do not want to end up with a relationship like my parents. But I'm afraid if I leave him he will go off the deep end.
Advice please?

totfit

End the relationship.

IOAA2

Hi. I'd suggest reading, on this site, Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Yoy might find some more insight in a visit with a theropist for added help.

BE WELL

least

Welcome to the family. You're in a difficult spot. You know you can't make him change. He has to want that for himself. I'd suggest AlAnon for support for yourself. Also the friends and family forum may be helpful for you.


Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Ruby2

Sorry that you are going through this. Losing your dad and now your fiancé to alcohol. You can't control your fiancés drinking and he becomes moody and irrational when he does drink. Telling you "at least I can still walk" isn't very encouraging and certainly not a high standard to meet. Unless he takes steps on his own he will likely get worse. Meanwhile you have to live with it. Being married to or even dating an alcoholic is like walking around with a ball and chain on your ankle that will drag you down. Always living in fear of what might happen. Are they going to get drunk this time. What personality will they have this time. I would start taking care of myself and setting boundaries. What is and isn't non negotiable? What kind of life do you want for yourself? You said you are very young. Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? Those are decisions only you can make. It is hard. Really hard to walk away from someone you love to save yourself but you might have to do that. Chances are he won't crumble to pieces if you leave.

Come here to learn and for support. Check out and read on the family and friends of alcoholics thread here in SR. Welcome.

Eddiebuckle

KD, my Mom was an alcoholic too and she drank herself to death. Despite all the crap that I witnessed growing up and despite swearing I would never be like her, I ended up drinking to the point where I HAD to drink to get through a day.

We ACOA often have an odd "picker" when it comes to romantic relationships, we are attracted to people who in some way emulate the disfunction of our family of origin. You may have done this with your fiancee. And as much as you love one another, your instinctive way of relating to your mate is based on how you grew up relating to your father. Case in point: "But I'm afraid if I leave him he will go off the deep end." How you relate to others can be changed, but it doesn't happen easily and it sure won't happen overnight, it takes years.

Please consider breaking the engagement for an extended time to sort this out. If he truly is an alcoholic, this will not go away. And for sure - its not something you can fix for him. You have a plateful of self work you need to focus on for now. You have plenty of time to get married, but if you do so with the way things are now, it may never get worked out.