Please help... :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
Please help... :(
Help please.....
Hello everyone,
I am new here and this is my first time ever writing for help and support. I am or was in along distance relationship with an alcoholic. We've been together or known each other for over 2 years. I've gone to visit him twice already and was planning to visit him again this summer. The first time I visited him was 3 months after we met on line. Before we met I knew he had trouble with alcohol. We would talk and he would be drunk and was an angry drunk. Would swear and call me names. I finally went to visit him 3 months after we met and I fell in love even more. But in that visit, he ended up trashing the hotel room I stayed in and he ended up in the hospital because of alcohol. I had to pay for all the damage and I stayed an extra week to take care of him. I don't know why I stayed and I don't know why I fell in love but I did. Fast forward to 2 years later, we've broken up and got back and he continued to drink and I stayed around and try to help him. He was in a sober living house from November until The end of March. He was doing well. He had a job and hadn't had a drink since he had moved in the sober living house. Then when he moved out in April and moved in with a female roommate. Since then he texted me less and less and called me even less but still told me he loves me and can't wait for me to come visit him. Until about a week ago when he called me drunk and he was arguing with his roommate. I knew he was hiding something and I knew he was with her because he stopped calling me from the appartement and only called me from outside. I called him on it and he denied anything was happening and he said it was all in my head and that he can't be bothered to deal with my insecurities. Until I told him that I heard him say things to her when he thought he had hung up. Anyways, I told him goodbye and that I'm not mad at him just hurt and I haven't heard from him for a week. I don't want to call him but I'm worried about him. He is alone and has no one. I don't care if he is with another girl but why couldn't he just be honest. Please help me understand this and I need help just to get through this. Please...feeling very helpless and sad.
Hello everyone,
I am new here and this is my first time ever writing for help and support. I am or was in along distance relationship with an alcoholic. We've been together or known each other for over 2 years. I've gone to visit him twice already and was planning to visit him again this summer. The first time I visited him was 3 months after we met on line. Before we met I knew he had trouble with alcohol. We would talk and he would be drunk and was an angry drunk. Would swear and call me names. I finally went to visit him 3 months after we met and I fell in love even more. But in that visit, he ended up trashing the hotel room I stayed in and he ended up in the hospital because of alcohol. I had to pay for all the damage and I stayed an extra week to take care of him. I don't know why I stayed and I don't know why I fell in love but I did. Fast forward to 2 years later, we've broken up and got back and he continued to drink and I stayed around and try to help him. He was in a sober living house from November until The end of March. He was doing well. He had a job and hadn't had a drink since he had moved in the sober living house. Then when he moved out in April and moved in with a female roommate. Since then he texted me less and less and called me even less but still told me he loves me and can't wait for me to come visit him. Until about a week ago when he called me drunk and he was arguing with his roommate. I knew he was hiding something and I knew he was with her because he stopped calling me from the appartement and only called me from outside. I called him on it and he denied anything was happening and he said it was all in my head and that he can't be bothered to deal with my insecurities. Until I told him that I heard him say things to her when he thought he had hung up. Anyways, I told him goodbye and that I'm not mad at him just hurt and I haven't heard from him for a week. I don't want to call him but I'm worried about him. He is alone and has no one. I don't care if he is with another girl but why couldn't he just be honest. Please help me understand this and I need help just to get through this. Please...feeling very helpless and sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
You will not receive honesty from an alcoholic. Alcoholics' first loyalty is to their addiction. If they are lucky, their first loyalty will become their recovery. And that's okay, because your first priority should be to YOU and your own happiness!
The 'sticky' section has threads that others have found really useful; that's a great place to start reading. Good luck to you, and welcome!!
The 'sticky' section has threads that others have found really useful; that's a great place to start reading. Good luck to you, and welcome!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
When you click on the friends and family section the stickys are at the top of the page. Welcome. I didn't know where they were at first myself. They are very helpful as well as reading the threads. Glad you found your way here 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
First and foremost addicts are liars, I repeat addicts are liars
Second, the first time you met him ( after a 3 month online relationship) you did not fall in love, honey that is called lust. Love is a product of years of mutual affection, trust, commitment and two people choosing to love and respect each other's life.
I am not intending to sound cruel here, but he showed you who he truly is, you are choosing not to believe him.
Count your lucky stars and run far away.
Educate yourself about addiction, and then you will see the lifetime of heartache you have been spared.
You deserve better, friend
Second, the first time you met him ( after a 3 month online relationship) you did not fall in love, honey that is called lust. Love is a product of years of mutual affection, trust, commitment and two people choosing to love and respect each other's life.
I am not intending to sound cruel here, but he showed you who he truly is, you are choosing not to believe him.
Count your lucky stars and run far away.
Educate yourself about addiction, and then you will see the lifetime of heartache you have been spared.
You deserve better, friend
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Liars
That's what they do....lie.
I've been reading a lot of threads tonight, and was just thinking, no one has even said how much they lie.....then viola!
Even the simplest things are lies. Like they are testing what you will believe or not..
After years and years of this, I am fairly certain that alcoholics do not have any coping skills. They can't cope, so they drink. They can't cope with telling the truth if it might cause someone to be mad at them, or disappointed, so they lie. Then they drink because they can't cope with the lying. Then they lie about the drinking.
We used to have a thread about the reasons A's say they need to drink. It was comical at the time, but now it makes sense that those were all situations that they could not deal with. Alcohol provides them the opportunity to not have to deal with anything.
Maybe some therapist will get rich one day, by teaching them coping skills in life instead of treating the drinking. The drinking is just the effect, not the cause.
My own personal belief. I do not have a solution, just an observation of too many years of this.
~HQ
I've been reading a lot of threads tonight, and was just thinking, no one has even said how much they lie.....then viola!
Even the simplest things are lies. Like they are testing what you will believe or not..
After years and years of this, I am fairly certain that alcoholics do not have any coping skills. They can't cope, so they drink. They can't cope with telling the truth if it might cause someone to be mad at them, or disappointed, so they lie. Then they drink because they can't cope with the lying. Then they lie about the drinking.
We used to have a thread about the reasons A's say they need to drink. It was comical at the time, but now it makes sense that those were all situations that they could not deal with. Alcohol provides them the opportunity to not have to deal with anything.
Maybe some therapist will get rich one day, by teaching them coping skills in life instead of treating the drinking. The drinking is just the effect, not the cause.
My own personal belief. I do not have a solution, just an observation of too many years of this.
~HQ
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Well in my experience, it was the actually drinking that led to all the unacceptable behavior, and actions. Sober, he would not act the fool, be disrespectful, create drama, and hardship for those who loved and cared for him.
But everyday he chose the booze over everyone that loved, cared ,invested and believed in him. It was/is his choice to drink his life away, he is an adult, and he will live it as he chooses.
I also have free will and choice, and I choose to experience life with a sober mind and body.
I want to share my thoughts and actions with someone whose brain is not controlled by a substance.
I really like being with someone who remembers the previous night's dinner, and the movie we watched, or the simple fact we ran into a friend and how nice it was to see them and their kids. And yes, he remembered we stopped at dairy queen and yes, I got my chocolate dipped in cherry all over my white shirt. And yes, he remembers he lost our trivia bet, and dinner and dancing are his treat this weekend .............
It feels marvelous to go out, and not have to worry about "babysitting" an adult man, or worried that he is going to get verbal and combative,.
There is a whole world out there that is not addicted, just have to take that leap of faith, believe in yourself, good things do happen when we invest in ourselves
But everyday he chose the booze over everyone that loved, cared ,invested and believed in him. It was/is his choice to drink his life away, he is an adult, and he will live it as he chooses.
I also have free will and choice, and I choose to experience life with a sober mind and body.
I want to share my thoughts and actions with someone whose brain is not controlled by a substance.
I really like being with someone who remembers the previous night's dinner, and the movie we watched, or the simple fact we ran into a friend and how nice it was to see them and their kids. And yes, he remembered we stopped at dairy queen and yes, I got my chocolate dipped in cherry all over my white shirt. And yes, he remembers he lost our trivia bet, and dinner and dancing are his treat this weekend .............
It feels marvelous to go out, and not have to worry about "babysitting" an adult man, or worried that he is going to get verbal and combative,.
There is a whole world out there that is not addicted, just have to take that leap of faith, believe in yourself, good things do happen when we invest in ourselves
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Bella, he's a big boy - he's not alone unless he chooses to be. You aren't the one to save him, and he's shown you what he is capable of with his anger, name calling and now this room mate.
If he wants help, he will get it, and whether you're there or not will make no difference in the long run.
And as for honesty - not gonna happen, not while he's protecting himself and his addiction. Put it down to experience and move on - you deserve to be treated a million times better than this.
If he wants help, he will get it, and whether you're there or not will make no difference in the long run.
And as for honesty - not gonna happen, not while he's protecting himself and his addiction. Put it down to experience and move on - you deserve to be treated a million times better than this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You will make yourself crazy trying to understand why A's do what they do. He can't be honest because there is much to hide! He needs to keep you enmeshed, and will do whatever it takes to make that happen.
You knew he had issues. He was drunk, swearing and calling you names....before you ever met!!! Your first actual meeting included a trashed hotel room and a hospital visit for him. There is nothing about any of that that says "love" to me.
If a good friend shared this story with you, would you tell her she had met her Prince Charming...or would you tell her she deserved better and should get out? You can't save him, he is not your project. He is a grown man who has the right to make his own choices, even the bad ones. He is not alone, unless he decides to be. That's his choice too.
The only person you have any control over is you. Find an Alanon meeting near you, and start attending. Those rooms are very safe places to figure this stuff out. Find your self again, and realize you deserve more in this one life we get.
You knew he had issues. He was drunk, swearing and calling you names....before you ever met!!! Your first actual meeting included a trashed hotel room and a hospital visit for him. There is nothing about any of that that says "love" to me.
If a good friend shared this story with you, would you tell her she had met her Prince Charming...or would you tell her she deserved better and should get out? You can't save him, he is not your project. He is a grown man who has the right to make his own choices, even the bad ones. He is not alone, unless he decides to be. That's his choice too.
The only person you have any control over is you. Find an Alanon meeting near you, and start attending. Those rooms are very safe places to figure this stuff out. Find your self again, and realize you deserve more in this one life we get.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
"He is alone and has no one."
Actually, no he's not. He's an opportunist and has found a new willing victim, the roommate. No doubt he will abuse her with calling her names too. Better her than you, not that we don't have compassion for her, but if you can get away from an abusive person, it's a good thing, isn't it?
"I don't care if he is with another girl but why couldn't he just be honest."
Because, if it falls through with her, then he needs you as a back up. He's just using both of you, do you realize that?
Actually, no he's not. He's an opportunist and has found a new willing victim, the roommate. No doubt he will abuse her with calling her names too. Better her than you, not that we don't have compassion for her, but if you can get away from an abusive person, it's a good thing, isn't it?
"I don't care if he is with another girl but why couldn't he just be honest."
Because, if it falls through with her, then he needs you as a back up. He's just using both of you, do you realize that?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
Thank you all for your honesty and support. Reading every post you write takes me closer to getting the strength I need to get through this. I hope I get to a point where I realize like you all have that there is nothing I can do to help him. I want to be strong enough and accept what you are all saying and for it to compute in my head and in my heart. Hugggggggggggs to you all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Please don't worry about him being alone. A's can always find drinking companions, if they want them. Many prefer drinking alone. And when they are ready to recover, there are free AA meetings full of helpful people, tons of support groups and recovery programs available in every state.
Better to focus on your own social life and healing, and discovering what gives you joy!
Better to focus on your own social life and healing, and discovering what gives you joy!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
Having a bad day today. Can't help thinking what's wrong with me? My father was an alcoholic and use to beat my mom. He came home once when I was younger all bloody because he got drunk and beaten up. I was so scared. I remember when exABF trashed my hotel room, I was sooooo scared and was taken back to that moment when my dad was all bloody. My exABF was bloody cause he broke glasses that cut him. He fell in the bathroom and he soiled himself and I was sooooo scared. I never thought I would cry over a guy now that would put me in that situation and actually be hurt because he doesn't want me. This is soooooooo twisted.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
"actually be hurt because he doesn't want me."
How about you stand up straight, look at yourself in the mirror with some loving care, and say to yourself--
Maybe I don't want him anymore!
What do you think about that idea?
How about you stand up straight, look at yourself in the mirror with some loving care, and say to yourself--
Maybe I don't want him anymore!
What do you think about that idea?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
In my head, I know what you guys are saying. My heart on the other hand is hurting and it's broken. I just need to keep hearing what you guys are saying that my heart will feel that I deserve better. I try to say it to myself everyday that I'm better off and not take what he did to me personally. It's hard......it's really hard. I feel so broken and I know in my head I'm a good person that doesn't deserve to be treated this way. ��
I feel so broken and I know in my head I'm a good person that doesn't deserve to be treated this way. ��
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