BlueChair

Over the weekend I went with my husband to visit his "friend" in rehab. This "friend" is the one who brought drugs back into our lives last year. Ive had SO MANY feelings about this guy. He was an old friend of my husbands and a couple of our other friends like from back in college and knew each other when they were growing up a little. He wasnt part of his life for years until he returned last year. Its like why did God bring him back into our lives, why did he even make the choice to return to this place?

I know it wasnt his fault my husband started snorting lines of coke, or then went on a binge almost killed him. No it wasnt his fault, but at the same time if he hadnt come back then my husband wouldnt have had access, had it placed under his nose, and triggered with memories of using.

The friend was messed up when he came here and no one knew it at first. He weaseled his way back into the lives of people he once knew who cared about him and had good memories, wanted to continue the friendship.

Sorry mostly this is me venting !

Im hurt because he saw my husband using, was too stoned himself to care. he knew he was lying, cheating on me, and was too stoned to care. He was getting money off my husband for non drug related messed up deal went bad. The list of trouble he brought is LONG !

After the whole thing broke with my husband, the friend was arrested for distributing and some other charges and was in big trouble. Some other friends got him into a nice rehab, and he walked out. Kept using, landed in jail, got bailed out. Was waiting out what would happen. My husband worked with the police (another long story) and helped get the charges reduced based on his statements. Again he was ushered into rehab and has been there since.

I wanted to see him because I felt I needed to. I built him up to be a monster in my mind, and I know its not what he is. I wanted an apology and I got one but it wasnt sufficient. Its not his problem though its mine. I realize nothing he said can make it better, or lessen all the tears I cried, the terror I felt, fear, and sitting there thinking my husband was going to die when he was in the ICU. ALL we have been through and still face each day.

Im trying to forgive him in my heart. My mind already knows he played a part but wasnt fully responsible. Its my heart where logic doesnt live having trouble.

AND I want him out of our lives and the lives of our friends. I cant control this, its a free country, but its like a rock in my shoe always there. He will be around.

Ann

Could it be fear that is driving you now? Fear that it will all happen again or continue? It would be a very valid fear and I think it is what I would feel.

Personally, I would prefer people like that stay out of my life until they can prove a couple of years clean. But I guess that's your husband's choice to make.

Fear can prevent us from forgiving because it might leave us vulnerable if it happened again. It's easier to forgive when the person is not around, no longer in our lives, but that's not the reality here.

Maybe work on the fear and let the forgiveness come when it happens...or not.

They say that forgiveness is the antidote to resentments....so maybe work on the resentments as well. Not in a blame/shame way, because your resentment is no longer about him, it's about something in you eating you alive and needs to be addressed for you to feel safe.

Hope you find some answers to this. Carrying pain around with us is a terrible way to live, I know, I lived that way for years and years.

Hugs

hopeful4

I would want him far away from me and my family also BC. I understand what you are saying. However, you cannot know that your husband would not have picked it up from someone else somewhere else. You cannot control his environment all the time, and he will have to be strong enough not to use no matter where he is or who he is around.

Totally get it, I have had these same thoughts many times.

Also...have you ever thought God may have did it because some other thing was going to happen to him and this is what pulled him out and made him truly WORK recovery, not just barely skate through. Just a thought.

XXX

cleaninLI

Blue I totally understand how you feel. I haven't experienced this myself....since I'm on the other side of this. But I do know that my family members strongly dislike (hate is a pretty strong word) the so called "friend" that offered me pills again which threw me back into active addiction. Was it her fault I accepted them? No, it was MY choice. I guess they know me well....the recovered side of me but they do not see this other side of her. All they see is what you see in your hubby's friend.....the "monster" side.

I have chosen not to continue that friendship......for a couple reasons......one is to protect my recovery....I have come too far to take that risk! Two because I feel I owe it to them to respect their feelings. I believe that part of recovery is to make amends to those I've hurt.....considering how they feel is MUCH MORE important than holding on to this friendship.

I understand that you can't make your husband do something he isn't ready to do. So all I can say is to bring this up in your family sessions. Explain how important this is to you. I sincerely hope that he listens...because he's a very lucky RA to have such a supportive wife.

zoso77

So, you don't blame him, but you do blame him?

There were several choices available to your AH. In this case, he happened to choose the ones that were the most destructive to himself and his family. That's on him, not his "friend".

That being said, I agree that your AH's friend is bad news, but your AH is going to have to decide that he's bad news and therefore ice him permanently...or ice him until he is solid in his recovery. Given the way you've described things thus far, I wouldn't consider recovery a high probability event.

As far as forgiveness goes, I'm going to be a bit of a contrarian and I'm going to be contradictory as well.

There are times that are few and far between when forgiveness is highly overrated in terms of our personal recovery.

Take, for example, the situation with my AXGF. I can unequivocally state that I will not forgive her for what she did. The main reason is what she pulled on her way out the door was engineered to destroy me emotionally and professionally. It was deliberate, and it was sadistic. And I am being honest when I say that me not forgiving her has not had any negative impact on my recovery. None whatsoever. But, again, this is a situation that I've qualified as "few and far between".

Now I'm going to contradict myself. In your case with your husband's friend...

While there may not be a strictly causal relationship between this guy and your AH relapsing, his presence certainly did not help and he is an element that your AH and your family can do without. But is he really eating away at your soul? Maybe the way you should frame it is you accept what has happened, what's done is done, and you're not going to allow what this guy did or didn't do to hold you back in your recovery. You can do that and not necessarily forgive him.

But if he's really eating away at your soul...so much so it's poisoning you...then you should remember that forgiveness does not mean what he did or didn't do is OK. What it does mean, and what it should mean, is you're showing him human compassion so that he can heal. And by showing him compassion, you're showing yourself compassion so you can heal.

ZoSo

incitingsilence

Is it really that hard to forgive him?

Or could it be if you do forgive him, remove him as the cause, the reason, the blame ( because your words above show you are still blaming him) then you have to put it all back where they belong ... on your husband.

The running buddies can make an easy excuse for removing the responsibility from who it actually belongs too.

BlueChair

Thanks to everyone for all the suggestions. A lot of what your saying I feel, like I know there is still fear behind a lot of my feelings. Thinking about him starts a replay of everything and how it happened in chronological order. I know my husband was feeling emotionally unstable before he came along because he was under a lot of stress. But I honest to God above believe he was not considering drug use BEFORE the friend came along and made it all easy and tempting. He hadnt used drugs in years, was drinking responsibly, and we've went over it in counseling to break it all down. SO I DO have negative feelings, anger, resentment about his entering our lives when he did. My biggest question is why did God bring it to us. Its something I cant answer and maybe Hopeful your right, Ive thought about this too, he survived this, and maybe God has lessons he wants us both to learn right now and he used this to make it happen? I cant ever know the answer absolute.

The logical part of me understands and does forgive the friend. I dont think he had evil intent or purposely set out to do terrible things like your exGF did to you Zoso. He was all F** up and when two people get that way together nothing good is going to come of it.

I know in some ways it would have been best if he closed the door and didnt want to see this guy, but we talked about it in our sessions and alone and I do think he needed to see him for his own reasons, and as part of his healing process. I left them alone to talk for a while too, but I was there at the end when he repeated how he wanted his friend to use this opportunity to restart his life and find real happiness. Told him he had to stay clear of anything that brings back desire to use, and right now that meant him. He said it all tactfully but I know he means it. I have to trust him and I can do that part. I think !!

My husband said the same thing to me Inciting ! Asked me to make sure my feelings of anger or blame were not misdirected at the friend when they should be put on him. He said if there is more then we need to face it, work through it. Im not sure how much is misplaced. I think I need more time to allow my feelings to settle and think them through. Its why I decided to post and ask for others views because maybe it will trigger me to see something Im missing.

What I want so much is to have all the pieces neatly resolved and there are those damn missing pieces I cant fill in yet. I feel like Ive been working HARD and then I feel like Ive failed and get down on myself because its not done.

any other thoughts or suggestions are welcome

cleaninLI

I know it's hard...I totally understand! This guy already hurt you in so many ways. It might have been indirectly......on a subconscious level.....but hurt you were. Obviously, your husband's choices hurt you too....but you've been working thru all that for the past few months.....you haven't worked thru any of the feelings you've had for this guy.....I'm sure some of this is misplaced.

When you go out with friends you want to enjoy that time......you want to be able to laugh.....and joke.....and feel relaxed and carefree! You don't want to be filled with anger......sadness.....bitterness......or fear. That's no way to enjoy your time with friends. You don't want to have to worry about this guy influencing your close friends.....or your husband for that matter. We don't keep friends in our lives that make us feel terrible when we are out with them. That isn't healthy at all. I know you don't want to remain at home while your husband goes out, (because you want to avoid this guy)...thats not good either. When your husband said he needed to see him....it made you feel like he didn't care how you felt. I think THAT made it hurt that much more! Because then you started second guessing yourself as to why you feel so bad about this guy. That's worse....I think. So I'm telling you there are no "wrong" emotions or feelings. You have a right to feel l whatever you feel. Embrace the good and the bad ones.

You said that people seem to want this guy around. People pretend a lot. Just because it looks like they are welcoming him with open arms doesn't mean they really feel that way. They might be acting like that to not hurt his feelings. Have you discussed this with any of your close friends? You might get the true answer from them or at least you could explain how you feel about it.

As far as forgiving him for his role in all this. I think it would be of benefit to you to do that. Like Zoso said its more for you then it is for him.....it's so that you can heal and move on. That will happen when YOU are ready to make that happen..... not when your husband says it should happen.

The way I see it there is a difference between forgiving someone and moving on with your life and keeping that person in your life. You get to choose who you want in your circle of friends.

hopeful4

You know what, I think it is good that your husband wants to pay it forward. In twelve step work, or really in the circle of life, that is how it's done. You live, you learn from your mistakes, you pay it forward to someone else that needs help.

It sounds like he is making an effort to pay it forward so to speak, good for you for letting him make that attempt.

XXX

BlueChair

It comes down to a couple of our close friends on this. One has invited him to stay at his house after he leaves rehab, but I know he has placed conditions on it where he has to be doing continued treatment like outpatient when he moves in. He will be on probation because of the drug charges and I think randomly monitored through it too.

Last night we had our family session. It went good but was emotional. I was able to talk about my feelings and had good insight from the doctor now I will toss this around in my mind and see where it goes. VERY EMOTIONAL part was my husband admitting seeing the friend had caused him to have a lot of thoughts, memories, and cravings as he remembered shooting up and free flowing drugs. Says a lot of it is fuzzy, almost like he is looking in from outside not present, but at the same time he feels. I was SO SHAKY when I left. Thinking maybe he should stay there where hes safe. But I didnt say it was only scared for him to feel these things alone at home, work, while driving in his car. But today looked brighter and we are both ok.

hopeful4

BC, I think that too is part of recovery. To be able to remember those times but to know that going back there would be toxic. It sounds like you are both doing lots of good things in your recovery individually and together!

cleaninLI

Blue I think your husband's honesty in admitting that he was having those feelings is a testamony to where he's at in his recovery. I know you view that as a negative, but if you go into the sub abuse section and asked the addicts how many would feel that same way when meeting a friend they used with even after several months or years in recovery.....you would find that the majority would admit that yes they would feel that way. It's normal! Very normal! Think about it....he could have denied it.....but he didn't. Honesty is a very huge sign of recovery. We addicts get into the habit of lying....we lie or cover up our drug use. We lie to protect our addiction. We even lie to ourselves.....in the form of denial.

I see a man that was being open and honest about his thoughts and feelings. I see someone who has grown a great deal in his recovery. I also see that he is aware he has those urges and will be very careful to protect his recovery. This to me is positive.

Now you have to work thru your own feelings.....fears....just like he has to work on his own.

Hugs....sometimes the truth hurts!

Lily1918

chances are... this statement carries a lot of weight. Mental relapse happens waaaay before an addict even touches the drug. If your AH had really been in recovery he would have cut this using person out. He didn't.

we need to lay full responsibility on the addicts for choosing to use. Especially in a "lapse" situation. IMO (I know that many disagree. that's ok) Addicts are more capable of avoiding people, places and things than they are given credit for. especially after they are through withdrawals.

I was expressing something to my sponsor about my AHs mothers constant enabling. She told me:

why blame his mother? why not blame the company who manufactured the pills? How about the original doctor that prescribed them? The pharmacist who approved the script? the tech that filled the script? The person who originally bought them from the pharmacy? The person who then may have stolen them from a person who really needed those pills? The pills your AH eventually bought passed through many hands before they got to him. Why not be mad at God for creating the opium poppy?

Anger is ok. It's part of the grieving process. So is shifting blame. but I chose to be angry only at the addict for using... not the whole world.

Txhelp

Lily...you have some really insightful posts! That one is so true....