Ashamedof

I literally just put my cell in the sink and ran hot water over it hoping it dies..anyone else do this? I know some of you might think "if she wants it bad enough, nothing will trigger her" but I can't see the number that will (in my sick head) tell me I'll feel good if I just pick up. I'm so done. Seriously done.

I am feeling really down today and just needed to vent on here. Mother's Day is never a good time for someone who can't have children and for someone who's mother doesn't really care about her. Today just sucks. I know, its life and we take the good with the bad, but I'm just really trying to turn this ****** hand I've been dealt around and into something extraordinary. I'm not sure how yet but that's one of my goals. I want to figure out why I feel the need the numb myself all the time. I can't even remember a day in the past 10 years? That I've been 100% sober, off anything mind altering. When I was clean for 30 days from opiates, I started smoking weed? It's like I'm scared of the real me and I don't even remember who she is anymore...I just have no clue what lies behind the numbness. Maybe I am scared to face my demons...god , I sound so weak. People have endured worse than me in life and they're amazing humans that just carry on...I can't. I don't know if my brain is permanently damaged or if I'll ever be "ok" again?

Sorry for the rant and vent...

Dee74

Hi ashamedof

I felt that way too - I'd been drink or high for 30 years...but it is possible to live soberly, to be a responsible member of the community and still have a little clean fun with life too

I was scared of the real me - but the real me turned out to be a pretty decent guy

early recovery is rough - but it passes. It will get easier believe me

Lean on us

D

Ashamedof

Thank you dee, I appreciate you! I know they each day that passes clean is a miracle for me and I need to stop overthinking everything so much. The impending doom feeling? That's what gets me..I keep thinking I am damaged goods, I'm no longer of any value..it's a scary thought. No kids to call me mom, ever. No family. Maybe 1 real friend? I'm awesome in regards to social media but in real life? I feel like a fraud. Depression has always been an issue for me but for some reason I never wanted to take antidepressants but I have no problem taking opiates, go figure.

One day at a time, right?

Druwyd

Hugs Ash. I'm a guy so I'm certain I cannot mentally put myself in your shoes regarding kids and not having any. My wife had cervical cancer at 25, partial hysterectomy, and having kids was gone. I love my wife, not her plumbing, so to speak. So I make sure to give her extra hugs and love on Mothers Day, and whenever else she seems down. Further, I'm my mom's only as I wiped out her ability to have kids coming into this world. Guilt? Yep. So I don't miss a Mothers Day, even if it's just a phone call cause I'm 1300 miles away. They are both special, and not defined by having children. I daresay you, too, are special.

Dee74

Give yourself time to get to know the real you...and then you'll attract people who like the real you too. It will happen.

It's never to late to rewrite your story - at 40 I was a chronic all day everyday alcoholic near death.

Seven years on, life is good - I love and am loved and I have a sense of purpose, and of joy and hope

Chapter 2 can be really good ashamed

D

jokerz4u

I feel like that sometimes too Ashamedof, damaged goods. I spent 40 yrs of my life getting high. It does get better with time. Just hang in there and be proud of yourself for each passing day that you dont get high and after a while you will look back and think, this isnt so bad.

four812

I remember thinking that way .... about not taking antidepressants, and doing any drug that was in front of me.

But the bigger part for me was getting over the stigma

four812

If you did want to think about trying the antidepressants you can check it out with a doctor and you still can say no.

Anyway it's another thing that might help.

If I look at myself....I'm taking the antidepressants for many years....had some sobriety.....but now I've been using almost daily. I don't want to do anything else now. Yesterday I faked sick to not go to a Mother's Day dinner so I could stay home and finish getting high. Pitiful. But not surprising. A lie I pulled out from the days when I was worst. Although now in only a month plus I'm getting worse fast

Ashamedof

Dru, I'm so sorry for your wife. As a woman, it's our instinct and nature to mother and not being able to? Makes me feel like less of a woman...it's something I battle with all the time. I lie to myself and say "kids are annoying, who needs the stress" but that's not true at all! I want to be a mother and I never will be. Somedays are just really bad and others I deal..probably because of the drugs. I'm just masking everything. I'm crying so hard right now because I so badly want to quit all drugs and I'm really determined.

Dee, thank you..you're right, the second chapter can be amazing and I need to find out who I am. I think I'm a good person? The drugs just confuse me....

Four, I think that's what it is? I feel weak minded needing a pill to feel normal, you know? I need to get professional help though because doing this alone isn't working and doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is insanity, right? I love that saying because it's so true.

Just need to get through today....

I seriously love you guys so much.

Ashamedof

I changed my number!

Coldfusion

Your cell phone survived the swim?

I have been married for a total of 30 years to two women who had hysterectomies. They both were prone to depression, and it was different from the "blues" or worry that I get and can easily "snap out of." Both of them worked with a doctor to find drugs that kept them stable.

"Family drama" was the topic at last week's "Back to Basics" AA meeting. Not one mother or father of adult children had good relationships with their children (although this was a group of alcoholics...).

If there is anything in this world that should be considered "God's will," it's the birth of children.

Ashamedof

Believe it or not, it works still. I called my cell phone carrier and told them I was being harassed ,so they changed it free of charge for me.

Ashamedof

And children being "gods will" I don't believe that. Then molesters, abusers, killers, junkies wouldn't get knocked up all the time....

Ashamedof

I read that wrong, sorry. "Should be" yes, I agree.