I don't know where to begin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3
I don't know where to begin
I'm brand new here, and well, I really don't know where to begin putting myself back together after breaking up with my ABF six days ago.
We had been dating for a year. His drinking problem was pretty obvious after a couple weeks. Birthdays, holidays, parties, etc were frequently ruined by him getting sick/passing out or not even going at all. He'd frequently black out and I would have to recap the previous nights events for him. I convinced myself I had it all under control, because every few weeks he would talk about starting to go to AA. I was convinced it was only a matter of time until everything got better.
I pulled away from my friends, hardly seeing/talking to them at all because I didn't want to have to explain what was going on. I spent all of my time waiting for him to be sober enough to watch a movie with me, or go for a walk, or do anything fun. It never happened and as a result I found myself constantly picking fights about him not showing that he cared about me, not wanting to spend any time with me. Anytime we fought, he threatened to leave, he wouldn't even bother with a discussion, simply "well if you hate me so much, I'll just move out”
He had attempted to stop drinking several times throughout our relationship. Even sporadically attending AA. I went with him (at his request) a few times, but the longest stretch he was sober the entire time I’ve known him was 5 days. He frequently came home drunk, having stopped at a bar on the way home from work. And on the weekends he would go through 2-3 pints at the very least. We were both miserable and constantly arguing.
At the beginning of April, we got into the biggest of any fight we had ever had. He said all kinds of terrible things in his drunken anger, that night he was someone I didn’t know at all. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore and that he was moving out that weekend. I was devastated. Things were suppose to be getting better, not worse.
The screaming and yelling continued for hours the next day. How I was the reason none of my friends wanted to spend time with me anymore. That I was a bitch and I was kicking him out. That no one would ever love me. That all of this was my fault. How could I be doing this to him? I had my mom come over because I was scared to be there by myself with. I told him he needed to move out the next day, and he did.
We both took the ending of the relationship really hard. He was apologetic for how he had treated me and I just couldn’t bare letting him go. I still had so much hope that things would get better if he really wanted to get sober and I felt like he was giving up on me by not even making a real effort.
After about 3 weeks we agreed to get back together. But only under the conditions that he would not move back in right away, he was going to make a serious effort to stop drinking and we would spend more time together. He drank slightly less around me but it got even worse when I wasn’t around. Just over a week later, while we were out with a few of his friends for dinner, he drank too much, became increasingly flirtatious with the waitress and then tried to write his phone number at the top of the receipt for her. He scratched it out when he realized I noticed what he was doing, but I was absolutely heartbroken. Any trust I had in him was destroyed. If he could do that right in front of me, I did not want to find out how far he was willing to take it when I wasn't around. I told him it was over and I drove the hour and a half home by myself.
I feel like I have failed him by not being able to help him enough, by not being able to protect him from himself. I feel like I lost part of myself; my comfort, my hope, my love, my best friend. I feel like maybe I haven’t been forgiving enough, was this one mistake enough reason to throw away the whole year we spent together? Has this really gotten to the point that all the good times don’t matter anymore? There were so many good times too!
I’m not ready to stop talking to him completely, and I’m sure that’s part of the problem. I’d still feel too guilty if something bad were to happen to him now, that somehow it was my fault for giving up and abandoning him. Just loving him was never going to be enough though. We can’t have a healthy relationship while he is still drinking.
I’ve tried to explain to him how hurt I am, when he asks why we can’t just be together. It become all about how bad he feels about all of this, how he hopes that his liver is almost damaged enough to do him in, that he’s worthless and falling to pieces. He talks about how much he regrets taking me for granted, not really being present when we were together, getting annoyed when I would ask him to cuddle with me or just walk around the neighborhood talking. He brings up specific times when we were together and we were happy. Our first date, the fun we had last summer, the vacation we took together earlier this year. Part of me feels like he’s doing this so maybe I’ll come to the conclusion that breaking up was a mistake.
When he asked if I thought we would be able to hang out again, I told him not yet, I’m still too hurt. I do hope that one day I am able to forgive him, but that’s not possible for me yet. He’s said it kills him that he feels like I’m slipping away so I’ve made it clear to him that we can’t even begin to think about getting back together until he has a significant amount of sobriety under his belt (six months to a year). Regardless of the alcohol, feeling like I can no longer trust him is a huge issue that would have to be resolved before we could be together again. I keep reminding myself to breathe and try to make it through the day without breaking down again, but I am constantly overwhelmed and anxious. I feel so lost. Right now, I know that my focus needs to be on rebuilding my confidence, friendships, and hobbies but I don’t even know where start.
We had been dating for a year. His drinking problem was pretty obvious after a couple weeks. Birthdays, holidays, parties, etc were frequently ruined by him getting sick/passing out or not even going at all. He'd frequently black out and I would have to recap the previous nights events for him. I convinced myself I had it all under control, because every few weeks he would talk about starting to go to AA. I was convinced it was only a matter of time until everything got better.
I pulled away from my friends, hardly seeing/talking to them at all because I didn't want to have to explain what was going on. I spent all of my time waiting for him to be sober enough to watch a movie with me, or go for a walk, or do anything fun. It never happened and as a result I found myself constantly picking fights about him not showing that he cared about me, not wanting to spend any time with me. Anytime we fought, he threatened to leave, he wouldn't even bother with a discussion, simply "well if you hate me so much, I'll just move out”
He had attempted to stop drinking several times throughout our relationship. Even sporadically attending AA. I went with him (at his request) a few times, but the longest stretch he was sober the entire time I’ve known him was 5 days. He frequently came home drunk, having stopped at a bar on the way home from work. And on the weekends he would go through 2-3 pints at the very least. We were both miserable and constantly arguing.
At the beginning of April, we got into the biggest of any fight we had ever had. He said all kinds of terrible things in his drunken anger, that night he was someone I didn’t know at all. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore and that he was moving out that weekend. I was devastated. Things were suppose to be getting better, not worse.
The screaming and yelling continued for hours the next day. How I was the reason none of my friends wanted to spend time with me anymore. That I was a bitch and I was kicking him out. That no one would ever love me. That all of this was my fault. How could I be doing this to him? I had my mom come over because I was scared to be there by myself with. I told him he needed to move out the next day, and he did.
We both took the ending of the relationship really hard. He was apologetic for how he had treated me and I just couldn’t bare letting him go. I still had so much hope that things would get better if he really wanted to get sober and I felt like he was giving up on me by not even making a real effort.
After about 3 weeks we agreed to get back together. But only under the conditions that he would not move back in right away, he was going to make a serious effort to stop drinking and we would spend more time together. He drank slightly less around me but it got even worse when I wasn’t around. Just over a week later, while we were out with a few of his friends for dinner, he drank too much, became increasingly flirtatious with the waitress and then tried to write his phone number at the top of the receipt for her. He scratched it out when he realized I noticed what he was doing, but I was absolutely heartbroken. Any trust I had in him was destroyed. If he could do that right in front of me, I did not want to find out how far he was willing to take it when I wasn't around. I told him it was over and I drove the hour and a half home by myself.
I feel like I have failed him by not being able to help him enough, by not being able to protect him from himself. I feel like I lost part of myself; my comfort, my hope, my love, my best friend. I feel like maybe I haven’t been forgiving enough, was this one mistake enough reason to throw away the whole year we spent together? Has this really gotten to the point that all the good times don’t matter anymore? There were so many good times too!
I’m not ready to stop talking to him completely, and I’m sure that’s part of the problem. I’d still feel too guilty if something bad were to happen to him now, that somehow it was my fault for giving up and abandoning him. Just loving him was never going to be enough though. We can’t have a healthy relationship while he is still drinking.
I’ve tried to explain to him how hurt I am, when he asks why we can’t just be together. It become all about how bad he feels about all of this, how he hopes that his liver is almost damaged enough to do him in, that he’s worthless and falling to pieces. He talks about how much he regrets taking me for granted, not really being present when we were together, getting annoyed when I would ask him to cuddle with me or just walk around the neighborhood talking. He brings up specific times when we were together and we were happy. Our first date, the fun we had last summer, the vacation we took together earlier this year. Part of me feels like he’s doing this so maybe I’ll come to the conclusion that breaking up was a mistake.
When he asked if I thought we would be able to hang out again, I told him not yet, I’m still too hurt. I do hope that one day I am able to forgive him, but that’s not possible for me yet. He’s said it kills him that he feels like I’m slipping away so I’ve made it clear to him that we can’t even begin to think about getting back together until he has a significant amount of sobriety under his belt (six months to a year). Regardless of the alcohol, feeling like I can no longer trust him is a huge issue that would have to be resolved before we could be together again. I keep reminding myself to breathe and try to make it through the day without breaking down again, but I am constantly overwhelmed and anxious. I feel so lost. Right now, I know that my focus needs to be on rebuilding my confidence, friendships, and hobbies but I don’t even know where start.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 65
Oh blossom, what a time you've had and all in a one year relationship. You sound to me like you're exhausted on top of everything else. I'm 8 months into sep and no contact at all with STBXAH and I've had all these feelings too. Could I have done more etc? But I think not in reality now. Have a good look at the stickies at the top of this page? Lots of info. I've learned so much about addiction and it's wider effects. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. Give yourself plenty of time. Baby steps.. Focussing on your hobbies, friends sounds like a great plan but also focus on you. (((-:
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Apricot Blossom, I endorse what ladyscribbler just said--that alanon is the perfect place to begin to sort yourself o ut and regain your self-esteem and confidence.
Remember..that love is not supposed to hurt this much!!! Authentic love makes us stronger and better. In true love--one doesn't have to live on scraps and beg.
You can have better than this...don't you deserve better...?
dandylion
Remember..that love is not supposed to hurt this much!!! Authentic love makes us stronger and better. In true love--one doesn't have to live on scraps and beg.
You can have better than this...don't you deserve better...?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
All of his decisions are his to own. To drink, to ruin holidays, to threaten to move out, to verbally abuse you, to flirt with a waitress in front of you. His choices. And you are not the cause of those choices.
Healthy adults don't behave like that. He has an illness called alcoholism that you did not cause, cannot control, and cannot change. It's a wicked thief that has already robbed him of himself and it will continue to do so until he decides to get help on his own. If he ever decides to take sobriety seriously, it will have to be his choice because he wants it badly enough for himself, not to please you or for any other reason.
Where you do have a choice is in deciding how you want to let his illness affect you. Right now, it's stealing your joy. His misery is your misery.
It's extremely painful to try to maintain contact after a breakup with an alcoholic. He is dragging you down with his 'poor me' feelings and making you feel like you're responsible for his unhappiness. You are not. Only he is.
You are responsible for your own happiness. No one else can find that for you. I would strongly encourage you to consider going no contact with him. Start doing things that make you happy...without him. Reconnect with your friends, ask yourself what things you have given up to spend time with him, and start doing those things again. Find yourself and enjoy yourself.
Going no contact was critical for me when I was in your situation. I think it would help you as well. I am sorry you're hurting. I truly have felt that level of pain you're experiencing, but I promise you that as long as you're willing to start focusing on yourself and not him, you can start to find your joy again. Al-Anon is a great place to learn how to do that. Sticking around here will help you immensely if you open yourself up to what others have to share. Read all you can in the stickies posted here. Ask lots of questions and keep sharing.
Healthy adults don't behave like that. He has an illness called alcoholism that you did not cause, cannot control, and cannot change. It's a wicked thief that has already robbed him of himself and it will continue to do so until he decides to get help on his own. If he ever decides to take sobriety seriously, it will have to be his choice because he wants it badly enough for himself, not to please you or for any other reason.
Where you do have a choice is in deciding how you want to let his illness affect you. Right now, it's stealing your joy. His misery is your misery.
It's extremely painful to try to maintain contact after a breakup with an alcoholic. He is dragging you down with his 'poor me' feelings and making you feel like you're responsible for his unhappiness. You are not. Only he is.
You are responsible for your own happiness. No one else can find that for you. I would strongly encourage you to consider going no contact with him. Start doing things that make you happy...without him. Reconnect with your friends, ask yourself what things you have given up to spend time with him, and start doing those things again. Find yourself and enjoy yourself.
Going no contact was critical for me when I was in your situation. I think it would help you as well. I am sorry you're hurting. I truly have felt that level of pain you're experiencing, but I promise you that as long as you're willing to start focusing on yourself and not him, you can start to find your joy again. Al-Anon is a great place to learn how to do that. Sticking around here will help you immensely if you open yourself up to what others have to share. Read all you can in the stickies posted here. Ask lots of questions and keep sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3
Thank you for all your kind words and support, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story. I know of an Al-Anon meeting nearby tonight, I've been too nervous to go for the past several weeks, think I'm finally going to try tonight.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Yes, go! It may be scary at first. You don't have to say a word if you don't want to. But listen and absorb whatever you can. The first time I went it was overwhelming. But it was a huge relief just being in a room face-to-face with people who actually understood what I was feeling. I pretty much cried the whole time. But I kept going back. And have never regretted it. Please let us know how it goes for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by ApricotBlossom 
We both took the ending of the relationship really hard. He was apologetic for how he had treated me and I just couldn’t bare letting him go. I still had so much hope that things would get better if he really wanted to get sober and I felt like he was giving up on me by not even making a real effort.
I feel like I have failed him by not being able to help him enough, by not being able to protect him from himself. I feel like I lost part of myself; my comfort, my hope, my love, my best friend. I feel like maybe I haven’t been forgiving enough, was this one mistake enough reason to throw away the whole year we spent together? Has this really gotten to the point that all the good times don’t matter anymore? There were so many good times too!
I’m not ready to stop talking to him completely, and I’m sure that’s part of the problem. I’d still feel too guilty if something bad were to happen to him now, that somehow it was my fault for giving up and abandoning him. Just loving him was never going to be enough though. We can’t have a healthy relationship while he is still drinking.
I’ve tried to explain to him how hurt I am, when he asks why we can’t just be together. It become all about how bad he feels about all of this, how he hopes that his liver is almost damaged enough to do him in, that he’s worthless and falling to pieces. He talks about how much he regrets taking me for granted, not really being present when we were together, getting annoyed when I would ask him to cuddle with me or just walk around the neighborhood talking. He brings up specific times when we were together and we were happy. Our first date, the fun we had last summer, the vacation we took together earlier this year. Part of me feels like he’s doing this so maybe I’ll come to the conclusion that breaking up was a mistake.
I feel like I have failed him by not being able to help him enough, by not being able to protect him from himself. I feel like I lost part of myself; my comfort, my hope, my love, my best friend. I feel like maybe I haven’t been forgiving enough, was this one mistake enough reason to throw away the whole year we spent together? Has this really gotten to the point that all the good times don’t matter anymore? There were so many good times too!
I’m not ready to stop talking to him completely, and I’m sure that’s part of the problem. I’d still feel too guilty if something bad were to happen to him now, that somehow it was my fault for giving up and abandoning him. Just loving him was never going to be enough though. We can’t have a healthy relationship while he is still drinking.
I’ve tried to explain to him how hurt I am, when he asks why we can’t just be together. It become all about how bad he feels about all of this, how he hopes that his liver is almost damaged enough to do him in, that he’s worthless and falling to pieces. He talks about how much he regrets taking me for granted, not really being present when we were together, getting annoyed when I would ask him to cuddle with me or just walk around the neighborhood talking. He brings up specific times when we were together and we were happy. Our first date, the fun we had last summer, the vacation we took together earlier this year. Part of me feels like he’s doing this so maybe I’ll come to the conclusion that breaking up was a mistake.
I've bolded the parts that really resonate with me. Because, I've been exactly where you are, I'm just a bit further down the road (several months).
I was with my AXBF for 6.5 years and I wish I had left him MUCH MUCH sooner. It will not get better. It will only get A LOT WORSE.
The guilt and feeling of abandoning him are natural responses but they are not actually valid. He is an adult. Not your child. Alcoholics are amazing manipulators. He is playing on your guilty feelings to try and suck you back into the black hole that is his life. My Ex tried the exact same things. But somehow he was never able to do the guilt trip on me without also being abusive so it made me see exactly what he was doing. Your BF is saying things about his liver in the hopes that you will come back and care for him. As you would care for a baby. He cannot see anything beyond himself. I believe alcoholics are just INCAPABLE of understanding exactly what they are doing and how much it hurts us.
Him talking about happier times is another manipulation. Reminding you of all the good times so you don't think of the bad times. So yes, he is trying to manipulate you into taking him back.
Just know that you are doing the right thing. And yes, he would need to be stone cold sober for a least 1 year before you should consider a relationship.
For me, I don't care if my ex gets sober. I can never trust him again. He will relapse, and I've put up with enough of his abuse for a lifetime. Maybe he will stop drinking and be sober for 40 years, but my fear of him relapsing and going back to old habits would be far too strong for me to actually enjoy life. I would be constantly tip toeing around in case something I did triggered him, while in the back of mind knowing that it all comes down to his choice and anything I did would only be an excuse.
Please take care. Look after yourself for a change.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
ApricotBlossom (love that name!), welcome to SR, and so glad you found us. You've received a lot of good advice already, and I really do hope you follow thru and go to that Alanon meeting tonight.
Reading as much as you can on this forum (and don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page) will go a long way towards helping you learn about alcoholism. I've found SR to be a very caring community with a lot of experience, strength and hope to share. I hope you find help here also.
Please do let us know how the Alanon meeting went--and if you'd like to understand more about Alanon, you can check Amazon for Alanon reading material. It might make things a little clearer for you, especially in the beginning.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Reading as much as you can on this forum (and don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page) will go a long way towards helping you learn about alcoholism. I've found SR to be a very caring community with a lot of experience, strength and hope to share. I hope you find help here also.
Please do let us know how the Alanon meeting went--and if you'd like to understand more about Alanon, you can check Amazon for Alanon reading material. It might make things a little clearer for you, especially in the beginning.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3
I did end up going to the Al-anon meeting tonight. It was definitely overwhelming and I cried almost the entire time, but everyone was really supportive, they described what helped them when they first started out and encouraged me to keep coming back.
I didn't say much during the meeting although I did stop to talk for a bit afterwards. I tried to absorb as much as I could. It was incredible that some of them were telling stories from over 20 years ago that perfectly described my life these past few months. It was like a burden was lifted off my shoulders when one of them told me that there was a big difference in "giving up" and "letting go".
Reading all if your responses has helped tremendously too. MissBeth, reading how much you could relate to all of my feelings now really gave me the hope that it will get better. It's easy to lose sight of that in the midst of the break up. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.
I know several of you suggested to no longer allow any contact at all, but I know that isn't right for me right now. For the first time in months I'm feeling like I have a voice again and have been using it to stand up for myself for once.
When AXBF called me tonight and almost immediately started behaviors I can now recognize as manipulative. I told him that. I told him that wasn't fair to me. He got defensive and made it seemed like every choice I was making was to deliberately hurt him. He even accused me of running out to find other guys (which I wouldn't even consider for the time being). Simply trying to move on and make myself better is a betrayal of sorts to him. He's upset that I'm not fighting to get him back this time, and just as he's "finally getting better".
During the short conversation I was able to state that he no longer had a say in the decisions I was making. That he can't tell me how I've been feeling isn't right just because "that's not what he was trying to do". And that I didn't need his permission to do what is right for me now. I felt empowered and strong. For the first time in too long, I was able to tell him exactly how I was feeling without being scared that I would upset him, lead him to drink more, start an argument. I no longer felt timid or helpless, I was finally speaking up and I hadn't even realized all this time I had lost my voice.
I didn't say much during the meeting although I did stop to talk for a bit afterwards. I tried to absorb as much as I could. It was incredible that some of them were telling stories from over 20 years ago that perfectly described my life these past few months. It was like a burden was lifted off my shoulders when one of them told me that there was a big difference in "giving up" and "letting go".
Reading all if your responses has helped tremendously too. MissBeth, reading how much you could relate to all of my feelings now really gave me the hope that it will get better. It's easy to lose sight of that in the midst of the break up. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.
I know several of you suggested to no longer allow any contact at all, but I know that isn't right for me right now. For the first time in months I'm feeling like I have a voice again and have been using it to stand up for myself for once.
When AXBF called me tonight and almost immediately started behaviors I can now recognize as manipulative. I told him that. I told him that wasn't fair to me. He got defensive and made it seemed like every choice I was making was to deliberately hurt him. He even accused me of running out to find other guys (which I wouldn't even consider for the time being). Simply trying to move on and make myself better is a betrayal of sorts to him. He's upset that I'm not fighting to get him back this time, and just as he's "finally getting better".
During the short conversation I was able to state that he no longer had a say in the decisions I was making. That he can't tell me how I've been feeling isn't right just because "that's not what he was trying to do". And that I didn't need his permission to do what is right for me now. I felt empowered and strong. For the first time in too long, I was able to tell him exactly how I was feeling without being scared that I would upset him, lead him to drink more, start an argument. I no longer felt timid or helpless, I was finally speaking up and I hadn't even realized all this time I had lost my voice.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
Apricot Blossom- Al-anon has done wonders for me. I did however make the mistake of letting my XAW know I was going there. Go back and read your original post and try to imagine if one of your close friends had wrote it. What advise would you give them?
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by ApricotBlossom
When AXBF called me tonight and almost immediately started behaviors I can now recognize as manipulative. I told him that. I told him that wasn't fair to me. He got defensive and made it seemed like every choice I was making was to deliberately hurt him. He even accused me of running out to find other guys (which I wouldn't even consider for the time being). Simply trying to move on and make myself better is a betrayal of sorts to him. He's upset that I'm not fighting to get him back this time, and just as he's "finally getting better".
Cutting ties or going no contact is incredibly hard with someone you love and have been conditioned to feel responsible for, so I understand where you are at. In this process you'll learn what you're able to handle (or not) in your relationship with your ex.
You're already recognizing the manipulation to try to hook you and reel you back in. Your paragraph above is a perfect example. He knows that you care about him and he's working that angle. It's all about him, him, and him. In a healthy relationship, the kind of guy you deserve would be thrilled that you are doing things to heal yourself and would encourage your growth. You're not hearing that here because an active alcoholic is not capable of being that kind of guy for you. The danger of talking to an alcoholic ex is that he will continue the manipulation and try to wear you down and lure you back in. You'll have to stay very strong to not let that happen.
Easier said than done, I know. What I learned is that my xabf was like a drug to me in the same way that his alcohol and marijuana are drugs for him. Being with him, feeling needed by him, feeling wanted by him...those things were my drugs. Quitting my habit was hard. We rode a 5-year roller coaster through really strong recovery periods and then horrible relapses. We would break up and make up. We tried, he tried, I tried. It doesn't mean that I don't still love him. He is honestly a beautiful soul with countless good qualities. He loves me too and we will always be connected.
But I finally learned that I had to let him go because his addictions were too powerful. He loved them more than he loved me. It didn't mean that I didn't love him enough, or try hard enough, or wasn't good enough for him. I just finally had had enough of the exhaustion of living with the madness of addiction. I had lost myself and I missed myself. I still love him but from a distance and I've come to complete acceptance of that. Total peace with it. Because I get to be me again and I love me. Might sound a little cheesy but it's the key to finding peace. You can't really be a good partner in a healthy relationship without completely loving and honoring yourself first. It's not selfish. It's actually a gift to your partner.
If you keep on this journey of healing yourself, you will start to recognize what's best for you at the time it's best for you in your own way. I'm glad you're here and I hope you keep sharing.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Apricot Blossom, I can relate to your post and what you are going through. I was with my xabf 5 years and felt what you are feeling. I never was able to go 100 % no contact but did learn to detach and take care of myself instead of obsessing over him. Alanon and SR have been wonderful. Wishing you peace and strength as you work things through. It does get easier. I cried through my first Alanon meeting also. I think that's a normal response. I'm so glad you went. Hugs
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