CaringScared

Today it's one week since I told my crack addict boyfriend that we couldn't talk anymore unless he got into rehab.

After a few days of very toxic conversations (he was in a mental hospital and leaving me cruel, insane messages, and I was getting angry) I decided to take a new tack. I told him I was sorry for not listening to his feelings before and validating them (which was very true-nagging didn't help). He was somewhat mollified by my apology. And I told him I loved him. I said, I like you now, I liked you two days ago, I always like you. If you go to rehab I'll support you 100%. He said he didn't need rehab, he was done ******* up. I'm sure he meant it in the moment, but of course he was back at it shortly after getting out--from what I hear. We haven't talked; he's called a few times but I haven't picked up.

I read about crack demons and crack monsters. I don't want to stick around to watch his descent into sickness. Is he still in there somewhere? Is there any hope for him? Am I crazy to think of him as the loveable, caring person he evinced to me earlier? Is that person recoverable?

My heart is breaking but I'm trying to turn the focus around to me, my own needs, my own life--and also trying to understand there are things I really need to work on if I didn't run the VERY MINUTE I found out about the crack.

Thank you. I really appreciate any help.

FeelingGreat

Hi Caring, the real person is in there somewhere, but unless he's actively seeking recovery and putting everything into it, you're not going to see him.
You are dealing with the addict first and foremost, and you really need to move on or get dragged down with him.

Croissant

CaringScared...yes, he's there....but even he doesn't even know how to begin to find that person if he's locked into his addiction.

You've stated your boundaries, and you are entitled to a happy life. What will your life look like if you stay involved with him, will you lose yourself in his addiction, become part of his craziness til you don't even know what you think or feel outside of his illness?

Just like he has to choose recovery or madness. So do you.

Best wishes.

jdooner

There is a wonderful book on addition that changed my life: In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, Gabor Mate. Dr. Mate is a Psychologist and works in the East Hastings area of downtown administering maintenance methadone. Anyhow, a hungry ghost is an addiction and like any addiction will never be fed or satisfied because the hunger is an illusion, like a ghost. The book might help provide some insight into why your boyfriend is who he is. Crack floods the brain with over 1000x the normal dopamine. To put into perspective is 10x more than cocaine.

I am a recovering addict (cocaine) and alcoholic. I can only imagine how steep and high the hill is that your boyfriend faces or the pain he must have that steered him towards the drugs.

You may also want to check out Al-Anon or the friends and family section on SR. One of the core tenants, as you know is there is nothing you can do to control his addiction. Best to stick to your guns and walk away.

CaringScared

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts.

Recovery or madness. I want recovery. I've had times this past week where I felt like my old self briefly, free of worry, able to enjoy things and be engaged in life. Then today it just hit me like a ten of bricks--worry and grief for him.

Honestly one of the nicest people I've ever met in my life. He suffered very terrible abuse as a kid. He also seems to me to have zero self esteem. I just don't know what is going to happen to him. His father would like desperately to get him into rehab. Words don't help. He's getting worse, fast.

I cannot believe that I find myself wishing for him to get arrested so that his father will be safe. And I also CANNOT believe I still think about kissing and holding this person. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Thank you for letting me vent. I'll try to keep walking.

CaringScared

What a nightmare, I slipped and started talking to him again. Just so hard, I feel weak.

four812

Though I've mostly been the addict one time I experienced it from your side and it was very difficult for me.

Hope you do good whatever choice you make

CaringScared

Thank you, four812

CaringScared

Just so worried. I get pleading texts from him, desperate phone calls, and I have to tell him I can't come see him because I'm too nervous. I have moments where I feel I've done the right thing. Then I have other moments where I feel awful gnawing guilt. It's like there are no good choices.

Today, it isn't the guilt so much, it's just sadness. Think I will go in an empty conference room here at work and pray to God to please protect him and please protect me.

BlueChair

Im so sorry ! Last year when my husband was binging on coke he went missing. I got a couple phone calls where he made no sense and then he would hang up and not answer when I tried to call back. It tore my heart out. It sounds like he needs rehab very badly. The only thing I can think of would be to keep encouraging this in whatever way feels safe for you and try to make it sound positive.

((CaringScared))

CaringScared

Thank you so much, BlueChair. That is exactly what I'll try to do, if/when I hear from him. I feel like it would send so many mixed signals for me to get in touch with him after I've been declining to see him. But I was afraid for my safety last time I was around him.

When I write that out then my actions seem understandable. I'm going to try to make myself eat something and not give this situation every bit of energy today...

AnvilheadII

he is delusional and aggressive and ended up in the mental ward - you stated yourself you do not feel safe being around him. his problem has graduated far beyond anything you can say or do. it's likely to get worse before it gets better.......IF it gets better. of course you care, but please do so from a great distance.

CaringScared

Thank you so, so much for the wise words, Anvilhead. It helps to know I am doing the right thing. It really does.

buttercup89

I'm so sorry caringscared. but you really do the right thing. Don't forget you cannnot help him! he needs to want to help himself! I know you care, i know you want to do something but in the first place you need to protect yourself. As the others said, encourage him to get help, but don't get caught in it. Remember, we can only help them (IF we can help them) when we are okay ! lots of hugs to you ! keep hanging in there !

SeekingGrowth

Boy, do I ever remember feeling like that! I think these are pretty common feelings when you love someone in active addiction. You are right - there are no good choices. The fact is that you cannot help him unless he wants to be helped. Sounds like right now, he does not want to be helped; he wants to be enabled. And because you love him, you can't do that for him. Your only real logical choice is to distance yourself from him and focus on protecting yourself from the destructive power of his addiction - as you are doing. It sucks - it feels hurtful and wrong, but it's what you have to do. Loving someone in active addiction was by far the hardest experience of my life - no matter what you do or say, it feels wrong. Glad you are coming to SR for support. You definitely need support to get through this experience in one piece.

CaringScared

Thank you so, so much, SeekingGrowth. It's like you're reading my mind. This experience has been tearing me up--it's been one of the hardest things in my life, and I've experienced family members getting killed and losing a brother to schizophrenia. This ranks right up there, it's tough.

I was out to dinner yesterday with a friend of mine who's a psychiatrist and I told him the whole situation. I mentioned my guilt at declining to see him and anxiety over possibly doing him damage. My friend said he doubted any damage I did him could compare to the damage he's doing himself. That was so sensible it gave me some relief.

Then I got a phone call from the guy, very agitated, apparently in the middle of a fight with his father. He wanted me to come see him. I said I couldn't but that I loved him. He said he loved me too and hung up.

Five this morning I get a text from his father: "He's back in jail." I can only guess at what happened.

Last night my friend said, "I think you know deep down what you need to do." I hope so.

I'm betting some of you can relate when I say that the news of him being in jail is the first peace I've had in weeks. I'm not going to lie. I don't know what comes next. I'm just breathing right now.

CaringScared

Thank you for your kindness, buttercup. I hope you're hanging in too. Hugs to you.

buttercup89

oh no... i'm so sorry that things are getting worse and worse. I can only imagine how you must feel. But i've read a couple times that people felt relieved when their addict ended up in jail. As bad as it is, at least he's safe for the moment. We can only hope that this is his rock bottom.
And I like what you're friend said. Keep that in mind!

CaringScared

Thank you buttercup, I will. He really needs a lot of help and I don't know how he'll get it. But he definitely won't get it if he doesn't even seek it out.

His father is my friend, and his father's safety matters too. It bothers me how other people just disappear from your radar when you're focused on an addicted loved one. I have friends who are just freaking out at how depressed and withdrawn I've become. They need me, but it's so hard for me to muster my energy and kindness to be there for them. It's like people who have never met W. are impacted by this situation. Whoever said that we begin to mirror the addict, spoke the truth.

That's on me though, it's not on W., it's how I'M responding to the situation. Each day lately I've been trying to make myself reach out to people to find out how *they* are doing, on the theory, fake it till you make it.

But what do I know, I'm just barely hanging on.

hopeful4

At Celebrate Recovery I have met lots of people who tried to get clean on their own, tried recovery, etc. The only time many of them were actually able to get clean and stay clean (and safe), was some hard time in jail.

Praying for you to have peace and clarity today.

XXX