limbogal

I left my xabf close to a year ago n have been doing pretty well all things considered. DS now 10 and I moved into our own place, I bought a car that I'm almost done paying for and generally life has been good except....I've been feeling bleh lately but couldn't quite put my finger on it until I realized I HATE my ex!! I came to this conclusion because I have met a man I like, Christian, dad of two, devastatingly handsome (to me lol), kind, old school manners etc so what's the problem?? Me....I'm damaged, irrevocably changed by the happenings of my prev relationship, all of a sudden I'm reliving the abuse, the mental games, the physical abuse, sexual abuse and all the horrors that happened while with my ex and I don't knw how to process it. I haven't said anything to new guy, hell there's just an attraction there n we both knw it but haven't acted on it yet, we mostly talk on the phone and text, gone for breakfast once, basically just hanging out. Idk if I haven't had time to grieve, kinda hard to have a pity party with a child involved, I just delved into making life better for us and between school n activities for DS, I don't pay much attention to the mess that was xabf and I. So now it's rearing it's ugly head and I hate him. I want him to feel the pain I feel, the fear that came over me when new guy tried to touch my cheek and I flinched, so used to that motion being a hit. N now I can't stop crying. I think about all the awful things he did to me n I hate him, I hate that he hit me hard enough to give me a mild concussion, I hate that he violated me sexually on more than one occasion, I hate that he belittled me, called me names n spit in my face. I want him to cry like I am now, I want him to feel the dread that came over me every time I had to go home, not knowing what I would find, I want him to feel the anguish and terror that comes over you when someone you love is doing unthinkable things to you sexually and all u can do is hope for a quick end, I want him to cry in his sleep like I have been doing lately, I wake up with my pillow drenched in tears n I don't understand where this is coming from all of a sudden. Did new guy trigger this or I haven't grieved and just shoved everything into the recesses of my mind n just focused on getting life better for DS and I?? Idk.....I just feel so lost and damaged and I want to feel normal again even though at this time idk if I ever will be. Esh appreciated.

inpieces314

I would say you haven't grieved over him yet. So do it, because it's going to get in the way of all the good stuff you have going now.
He is never going to hurt you again, just remember that.
And you are probably doing some kind of PTSD thing, where subconsciously you think the new guy will do the same to you. So. You need to find a safe place where you can put all that stuff the x did to you (write it down, talk to a therapist, etc) so you can move on.
You deserve it.

Pia

I have been reading this book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It has alot of great points and exercises.

LoveMeNow

Have you and your son been in therapy? There seems to be a lot of trauma to work out still. There is no shame in that or the way you are feeling. It's just time to really work on it.

Rosiepetal

I've read the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing too & think that may help you.
Acknowledge that the things he did to you were wrong.
Feel what you're feeling.
When you feel stronger recognise that these "hate" feelings you are having is still his control over you & work on taking your power back & living your life in a healthy happier way.
Grief is very personal & the length of time one grieves is individual.
Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, acknowledge it, feel it & then try to take baby steps forward.
One day at a time.
Hugs.

limbogal

@ LMN....I saw a T for a while...maybe it's time I went back, my son saw one too but he didn't really like it but I think it's time we went back and really work thru what happened. This all really caught me off guard, apparently I'm not over it yet. I don't want it to cripple me though. I want to be genuinely happy.

limbogal

Rosiepetal....I will get the book, I need all the help I can get. The feelings really caught me off guard and I'm finding myself getting these feelings of anger and crying out of the blue when some memory comes to me, idk what's triggering it, maybe coz I'm more settled now and I don't have to worry about the day to day stuff anymore so all this stuff is coming back now?

inpieces314

Or you are subconsciously craving the drama.

Seriously, now that nothing is going wrong, your mind is going back to a time when it was, because that is what you are used to.

love4menotu

Hey limbogal....

After my abuser was forced out of my home I was numb for months. This got me through the subsequent divorce and the trauma of having to deal with this person who would have liked to see me dead.

However, the numbness wore off. And when it did.. I experienced all the grieving all the pain and all the loss. That's when I had to seek therapy.

For me that was the hardest part, but I'm through it all now and out the other side. It took me a year.

God bless, it will get better, I promise.

L