rc4dt1

I’m struggling… I feel a constant underlying fear. Fear that I am sick. Fear that I will not attain inner peace, acceptance, and happiness. Fear that I will be alone. Fear that, despite my best efforts, things will keep getting worse… like I am decaying away and the end will be in an institution. I recognize that to be extremely irrational and unlikely, but that is how the story unfolds in my thoughts.

Short version of my story: Ok childhood (had friends but was bullied quite a bit). Started drinking in HS to fit in. Increased using in college to fit in more. Started doing drugs (E and coke) towards the end of college and that has continued at varying levels of regularity since. I’m 36 now. I primarily used on the weekends – binging. I used to cover up sever insecurity, self-doubt, and eventually some depression and anxiety. When I look in the mirror I see a different version of what others see. Others compliment me on my looks, intelligence, kindness, etc… I see it sometimes but my default feeling is being “less than” and beating myself up. I also have some other “habits” that are used to cope… internet addiction and women. Those present a fine line because both are healthy in normal regards. I judge their burden by the fact that when I try to cut them out I encounter elevated stress levels and find it difficult to abstain. I have been to drug/alcohol rehab 3 times (inpatient 1, outpatient 2). I have tried to do it on my own. AA seems to be the most effective because it provides me support and sober friendships.

Today I have been sober for 19 days. Over the last 4 months I have used 4 times. That is progress for me. Up until 19 days ago I was trying to do it on my own. With the help of AA and the support I can tap into my sobriety feels stronger than at any point over the last 4 months. Before 2014 I had periods of sobriety of 6 months a couple times, a year, and 4 or 5 months. I started trying to clean up in 2010.

Until January 2014 I have been in relationships with women. The one that ended in January was a 5+ year relationship with a great girl but I couldn’t make it work because of my issues (and I’m not sure we were right for each other). I broke things off several times but we kept going back to each other (yes, codependent as well). I miss her BAD but I know I can’t be with her right now. She deserves better and I need to get healthy. My other relationships have been volatile as well… lots of break ups and reuniting, fights, cheating, etc. My most recent ex was definitely the most down to earth, supportive, loving woman I have ever been with. But the passion wasn’t there. I struggle with whether I had an issue with that because I’m unhealthy or because passion is necessary and it’s ok that I wasn’t all-in. Probably a mix of both.

So I am dealing with the loss of a best friend (my ex), trying to get sober, doing my best to remove my vices (internet reliance, dating), working a stressful job, going to meetings and trying to work the steps, seeing a therapist once a week, considering going back on a mild SSRI, exercising 4-5 times per week, reading self-help books, talking to people, trying not to isolate, meditating for 30 minutes per day (been doing this since January and it’s amazing how much more aware I am), and just overall trying to do the next right thing for myself.

I guess I am giving myself the best chance but I wish there was a guaranty that I will heal. The uncertainty is terrifying. Thanks for reading and thanks everyone for being here.

Mandiet

Your still very early on in the process and have so much to look forward to ahead of you. Baby steps when I first came clean...Probably the first 6 weeks I felt an exaggerated amount of fear for the future. I didn't see it that way then but something changed as I continued to be sober and push through where the negativity started to lift and the positive slowly but surely began seeping in. You will get there too. I know it. Find a good support group and get your head in the right place before you make any big decisions. Sending prayers your way.

OpioPhobe

RC - congrats on 19 days. What happened with the other sober periods? Do you have a plan in place so the same things don't trip you up?

rc4dt1

Hi Opio... thanks for the response. You too, Mandiet. I appreciate it.

My other sober periods ended because I stopped going to meetings. I got annoyed with "the rooms", started resenting that I was "one of them", didn't want to be labeled, ran into trouble with dating (women rejecting me because I don't drink and I have addiction issues), got back into a relationship and let her be my higher power, etc...

I also have tried on my own and I didn't have any support or social life. I didn't have a group of friends that didn't drink (they were just unhealthy for me to be hanging with - I don't expect nor do I want to have only sober friends). And I got lonely and full of fear. I wasn't willing to sit through the pain in order to grow.

This time I am trying to have a new outlook in AA. I am reaching out more, trying to be more social, and taking things more with a grain of salt. I have a tendency to internalize everything anyone says and let it effect me. Now I just remind myself that what they say is their journey and I need to do what's best for me.

I am also single, not trying to date, leaving my ex alone, and trying to eliminate slippery behaviors. Like I said, it's extremely uncomfortable. But I read in tons of books and on websites that suffering is temporary and necessary. I have to keep telling myself that "this too shall pass"... cuz it will.

Thanks again.