audreyroscoe

I've only posted a couple times on this website but I keep coming back when I need advice or strength. Mostly its to read other threads but sometimes I just can't find anything that matches what I need and so I post. I've been thinking about posting for several weeks now but keep putting it off however I'm at a really low point so I need some sound advice from someone who doesn't know me and is an outsider looking in. Here's my story in a nutshell....

I've been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and during that entire time he has been both sober and very active in his alcoholism. The first time he was sober was after an inpatient rehab stint for a month and he stayed sober for 2 months. The longest he has been sober was around the 3 month mark which was last summer.

I have tried everything with him and likewise he has tried everything with me. I have tried limiting his money against his will, then I tried limiting his money at his request (to keep him from drinking so much when he was actively drinking). Neither worked. I have tried limited the amount of alcohol he was "allowed" to consume. That didn't work. Then another time HE asked me to help him limit the amount of alcohol he consumed, that didn't work. Every single scenario I was either the boss and controlling his alcohol and when that didn't work I threw my hands up and he would ask me to help him by doing these things. Nothing worked and every day that went by I grew more and more unhappy living with a stranger and missing the person I fell in love with.

It was during this time of giving up and saying "whatever happens will happen" that my boyfriend never showed up after work on a Saturday (March 22, 2014). The later it got the more worried I was and phone calls went straight to his voicemail. I knew he was drinking and driving and something bad had happened. I called police stations and hospitals looking for him and did not sleep at all that night. At 5 am the next morning he called me and told me he really messed up, that he just woke up in his truck to realize he was on a country road and had wrecked his truck, it was no longer running. He was still intoxicated and it was 28 degrees out at the time. He kept talking about how he didn't even know what town he was in and that he was freezing. He fell asleep while he was talking to me. I thought he passed away from exposure. It was the worst day of my life and I will remember it for the rest of my life.

Several hours later he called again and I immediately started crying because I was so grateful he was still alive. It was daylight at that point and he realized where he was and asked me to come get him. I drove as fast as I could the 30 min drive to get him and left his truck in the road. My main concern was to get his body temperature up. He slept the majority of the day (Sunday) but we spoke briefly at times enough for me to tell him that in order to continue living at my house he needs to start taking Antabuse again. He considered it for several minutes before he agreed.

The next week I drove him to work and he was shamed by all his coworkers who knew what happened as he had to tell them what he did. He told me he learned a lesson and needed to change his life around. I was never more grateful and I saw his accident as a blessing in disguise. He was missing his wallet from that evening so we drove up to the accident sight and realized (he can't remember much from the night) that he hit a telephone pole on the passenger's side, messed up his tire, and drove for a good mile before his truck died. There were skid marks swerving all over the road, going into the ditches, narrowly hitting other poles, and stop signs. He saw all of this with a sober head. Had he hit it the pole straight on it would have killed him.

He has been sober all this time and I'm extremely proud of him. However he is not going to any treatment facilities or AA meetings or the like. To help keep himself sober he is pouring himself into work and when he's done working his day job he works part time for a local farmer. I never see him anymore and I'm getting lonely. But again, I can handle it if it helps him get through his initial stages of sobriety so he can get some time under his belt. I feel like the more time he gets under his belt the easier it will be for him. Maybe I'm wrong but that's my hope.

On occasion he will be cranky and irritable to me and complain that he just wants to be a man, be like everyone else and be able to enjoy beer after work. Mind you he works a blue collar job in an old beer distributing warehouse nonetheless. It is a union job so it's not like he can or should just find another job as it pays very well. All day at work guys talk about how they can't wait to get home to drink beer and they offer him beer out of their trucks (they have them in coolers) when they get off work.

I truly do get it, I know how hard it must be for him and again I am so proud of him. But I feel like no matter what I am punished. I am punished if he is drinking and I am punished if he is sober. He says there are so many good things that have come of being sober and he's glad I'm in his life. So then why is he punishing me by being cross with me the seldom days I get to spend more than 1 hour with him? Last night was a really bad night. He had an apprentice class that got over at 6 p.m. and he pouted and was irritable all evening and when he gets in these moods he tries any way he can to convince me to allow him to be able to drink and live with me again to which I always say "no, I know what kind of life that's like and I can't do that again" and then he gets angry with me.

The last time we were intimate was the first week of February. I suspected all along that he was "punishing" me by withholding sex because I told him he can't live with me and drink. My suspicions were finally confirmed last night as he admitted he was out of the blue. I was so hurt just hearing that as I've been so patient with him. He told me if he can't have what he wants he figured he's not going to give me what I want. He doesn't talk like that to me every day. It's probably once every other week that he has a bad day and is irritable to me. The rest of the days I rarely see him or we are going somewhere together which is a distraction. If I'm home alone with him he gets in a bad place and I try so hard to be cheerful and upbeat but it does wear on me after time.

I know this is a long story but I'm just trying to understand what is going on. I can understand him not wanting to be close and intimate because of new sobriety, but he is doing it to punish me for saying he has to be sober to be with me. I'm not making him be with me, all I'm saying is I can't have another evening like the one I had when he didn't show up at night and I thought he had died. I have drawn boundaries for myself, I'm not trying to control him or what he does. And there are so many days he says he's happy he's sober but he's still not intimate on those days. I know his attitude has to do with control, I'm sure he feels like he doesn't have control but at the same time I'm not making him be with me. I'm just so upset I feel like I am the one being punished all the time. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation or have any advice that may help me get through this slump? I'm so scared it won't get better and this will be my "life".

suki44883

This will only be your "life" if you allow it. He sounds very immature and is acting like a spoiled brat. You have every right to decide what you will and will not allow in your life and if he cannot accept that, then that's just too bad.

Perhaps you should take a break from each other for a while. You need to decide what you truly want in a partner and he needs to decide whether or not he wants sobriety. The relationship as it stands now isn't good for either of you.

audreyroscoe

He comes from a well to do family that indulged him. In the past all he has had to do is throw a fit and he gets his way. He is learning that is not the way it works with me. He is 24 years old and has had it that way his entire life. He has told me he is adjusting to not being so self centered but that it's hard to change what he's known his whole life. I'm sure it is but at the same time I want a partner and maybe I just want all these things too quickly. After all he's only been sober a month and a half. Maybe it just takes time and I need to be more patient but sometimes I feel like I've been patient enough!

Oldselfagain

Audrey you sound like a wonderful girlfriend that is doing everything she can to help her boyfriend get better. A few questions come to mind.

Is he staying sober for himself or is he doing it because you are making him? A very good friend of mine recently told me that one needs to be sober for themselves and not because someone else is making them. If the later is the case then there will probably be resentment towards that person.

From a man's perspective I can tell you it's difficult to imagine not having sex with ones GF for 3 months for ANY reason, and certainly not as a punishment for her (sounds like he's cutting off his nose to spite his face). Do you really believe that's the reason for the lost intimacy? Does he have health problems that could be affecting his libido?

Have you guys considered couples counselling? It may help you two get to the root of the problem in a non-confrontational way.

audreyroscoe

At times he says is sober so that he can maintain a relationship with me. Other times he says he is glad he is sober because so many good things come of it. I think his withdrawal from intimacy is a combination of trying to punish me and because he's newly sober and just not in the mood. He has no health problems. He is on Wellbutrin and that has been known to increase some people's libido but I've not noticed any such thing. When we get too cuddly on the couch he will get up and do something. Anything to keep himself from getting turned on. It's so frustrating. We do go to couples counseling but she mainly talks about his alcoholism. We've only briefly discussed lack of intimacy which was towards the end of our session.

audreyroscoe

One thing I have to add is he is a very self-punishing type of person. It's almost like a kid that says "if I can't have an xbox for Christmas than I don't want any presents at all!" He has the same type of mentality. Just feeling bad for himself and punishes himself more so he can reaffirm how "crappy" things are for him and he can feel even worse about himself. It's a never ending cycle and he just gets so negative.

audreyroscoe

I'm just so frustrated!

LBrain

One thing that jumps out at me is the fact that he is doing this "on his own." In other words, he is not getting counseling, attending any type of recovery program etc. His union should support him to get better. I would seriously consider getting him some kind of help. You can't make him do anything. If he truly wants to do this - isn't almost killing himself enough of a wake up call? - then he would seek out options to help himself. It sounds as though he is not committed to stopping.
As for the intimacy part, it could be physical or mental at this point. And rather admit there is an issue he uses an excuse - hold it on you. I know many who went through a chemical change and in early sobriety mr happy wasn't very happy at all. This could be the case with him.

He is still very young and still surrounded by peers who will continue to urge/tempt him to drink. It's unfortunate. Unless he realizes the true nature of his problem, you are going to suffer as well.

Good luck. Suggest or urge him to seek outside help. Just thinking about quitting without knowing the true nature of the malady can be detrimental to his well being.

least

I too would suggest a separation to get your heads straight. You have to decide if you want to spend your life with a spoiled brat who sulks and withholds intimacy when he doesn't get his own way.

yeahgr8

You might want to post again in the Friends and Family section:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

The replies you are getting in this section will be from other alcoholics like your BF.

My 2 cents is I don't care if he doesn't have sex for a year if it's gives him the time to get sober.

Your issues you will need some help with and you will get it from the link above or preferably as well going to an alanon meeting.

Berrybean

The all or nothing attitude is pretty common from what I've seen in AA (and in myself).

I agree with the poster who said that it could be physical or emotional. He might not understand it himself. One of the things with alcoholism is that is does tend to stop emotional growth, mainly due to the fact that you're not feeling the emotions properly when you're drunk and hungover so you can't learn to deal with them. Therefore he is likely to be immature emotionally if he has been alcoholic for a number of years.

I know that AA is really helping me to understand a lot of the emotional stuff I'm going through (2 month sober) and I can't imagine how hard it is to go it alone (ie with no-one to offload to and listen to who understands what he's going through). You could suggest it to him, but it needs to be his decision to go along.

Good luck - and try not to take the sex stuff personally. With the washing machine head of emotions he's going through, sex will be the last thing on his mind.

jaynie04

I agree with yeahgr8, I would repost in family and friends here.

That being said. Do you realize your entire post was about him? You are getting swallowed up in his life. You are not somebody's side car, you are a young woman who I am sure has hopes and dreams.

I would reel in the care taking big time. He is a big boy. You are both orbiting around him. Will he drink? Is he happy? Will he talk to me? Does he want sex?

It isn't healthy for either of you. Having compassion is one thing, drowning in the idea of rescuing someone who isn't taking responsibility for himself is another.

I am in recovery myself. It can be quite heavy early on, but I am working hard and I am fully invested. My sobriety is not hinged on whether my husband is good to me, or worrying about me, or tiptoeing around me. It can't be, and that is good for both of us.

Understanding? Yes. Maybe keeping alcohol out of the house and avoiding old haunts or social situations. At first. But sobriety shouldn't be a claustrophobic torturous experience, and it definitely should not be that for our loved one.

I would really encourage you to read the stickies at the top of the F&F forum, there are a lot of wise and supportive people there. You sound like a loving, giving, kind young woman, but I hope you realize that you deserve to be happy. Right now you are saddled with taking care of someone who should be taking care of himself. He has no incentive to really try, as the saying goes "let go or be dragged".

I hope that you can find the support here, it is really important that you understand that you are worth it!