keeper of keys

Hello all. Just wanted to say hello as I just signed up. I am struggling with addiction and I am exhausted. I have a lot to say but for now, just hello. I hope to communicate, and make some friends on here...

Ashamedof

Welcome, this is my favorite forum and it's the only one I use.

keeper of keys

Thank you so much. My name is Michael. I am happy to have signed up today. Very depressed right now though as I went over the edge AGAIN, last night. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. It never stops...

keeper of keys

Thanks. :-)

OpioPhobe

Keeper - welcome. What is your DOC?

keeper of keys

Cocaine. It has ruined my life. I had 5 years clean from coke, but last year, I went through a divorce. My wife, that I truly loved and trusted, blind sided me and left. It caused me to relapse again and again. I'm on my own it's so hard to stay clean. And I am a union carpenter foreman. Drugs are available everyday all on site. My job is my greatest demon right now.

OpioPhobe

Gotcha. As far as being on your own goes, I told myself for a long time that I would have been better off being alone. Trying to quit while dealing with the stresses of a family was difficult. I eventually realized that there wasn't ever going to be an ideal situation where I could quit. If any of the other things were going to get fixed in life it all started by quitting regardless of my situation.

As far as availability goes, I have to believe there are ways to limit that. If it is coming from subordinates you can obviously influence that directly. Supervisors may be a different story, but it would be tough to imagine them forcing it on you if you told them you were quitting.

keeper of keys

Yes I understand. Which is why I choose to not start another relationship until I fix myself. But then I say, I'm 46. I have been partying all my life. As a teen, then strong with coke in my twenties and thirties. My second marriage took place in my late thirties which my wife was the only one that actually made me stay clean. I loved her that much. I was satisfied. Making and saving all the money as my ex has bi-polar depression. I felt with that and took care of her, only in the end to get screwed by her and she got all my money. Cocaine for me is a sex drug. I mix the 2. Very dangerous. Meaning sometimes when I see a hot girl on a nice summer day, it temps me to use. I am dealing with major depression right now. Lonely, sad, overworked, broke, just running myself ragged. My job is the only thing that keeps me afloat. But no lie, in the last year I've spent over 20 grand on coke and woman. I've done the re-habs....coke is the devils pathway, straight to hell.

keeper of keys

Thanks for the kindness. How about you?

OpioPhobe

I was on opis for a long time. Initially, I got clean in Feb 2012 and then relapsed after 1 1/2 years. I quit again this past February and it has been about 2 1/2 months. The situation when I quit this February was far from ideal. My wife had gone insane at some point during the latter part of 2013, but I couldn't see that until after I quit. I ended up having to take care of both of our young children while kicking because she had checked out mentally. I was throwing pity parties for myself and thinking that I needed to be in a detox facility somewhere, but instead I was having to deal with all this stress while kicking. Eventually, I realized that it was better for me that way because I was going to have to deal with the problems at some point.

I had a run with coke back in my early twenties, but I ODed before it really got a hold of me. I still went out and used coke after I ODed, but it didn't work for me anymore. It would just make me panicked / crazy.

Things got much better after about 30 days. My wife got on new meds and is doing considerably better. SR has been a huge help too. I learned a lot by reading and posting here. Much more than I ever expected when I signed up.

keeper of keys

Congrats on the 2.5 months. That is huge. I also just got done withdrawing from suboxone. I did oxy 30's off and on for the last year and stopped those but was taking little slivers of sub everyday. It took me weeks and I'm still not over the pain. Restlessness, can't sleep, depression. And I vaporize with pot everyday. I don't know if I will ever be able not to use pot