Ashamedof

Guys I'm back again ,mI relapsed again I can't do this anymore I'm so sick of it I stay clean and then get a message and my brain just told me go go go go it doesn't tell me to stop and I don't know how to stop. I just feel so ashamed and I feel like I'm going down the same road , and here we go again wasting all the money hiding lying and all the stupid **** that goes with this. I just want to be done with it. I seriously want to just run away, go to some rehab in another state and just lose all contact with everybody but that's not possible for one, my husband still doesn't know because he would probably kill me secondly I have dogs and people that I have to take care of I can just get up and leave and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel really helpless and hopeless and I wish that this was a more positive post but it's just not and I don't know what to do.

I finally have insurance so should I get on some kind of Suboxone treatment or should I try a just outpatient I just don't know how I'm feeling very confused right now.

TiredEnough

How many times have you relapsed?

jokerz4u

Try the suboxone route. Worked for me. I COULD NOT stop without it. I relapsed over and over for years before I started subs. At least look into it. Praying for you.

OpioPhobe

Ashamed - if getting messages are triggering you is there anything you can do to prevent those? Can you just throw your phone in the toilet? Phones get messed up all the time. Bribing the dealer to change his/her number is another method you might consider. If you weren't getting the messages do you think it would make a difference?

Dee74

Do you have any support besides SR ashamed?

D

Rdphish

Ashamed, don't feel bad. This heroin addict has relapsed like 7 times in the last 3 months! There is no shame in relapsing....the only shame is to give up trying to be clean!

"There's no such thing as a failure who keeps trying.....coasting to the bottom, is the only disgrace" ~John Popper

suboxonestopper

Ashamed: Suboxone saved my life. I personally, did not want to live the rest of my life on it, and am now getting off.

It gave me time (on it almost 2 yrs) to get off the needle and do some changing in my thinking and life.

Relapses suck! I relapsed so many times last year and changed my # 4 times in 11 months. Finally, in Dec I shut it off.

I haven't had a cell in 5 months! Only a house phone. At 1st I thought Id go nuts, but now, I don't even care to get one yet.. I LOVE not having it, and I am getting off subs. For me, it had to happen as ONE of the things to help me with relapse. Think about it.... phones aren't things we NEED. If it's something that makes it easier to get dope- trash it!

Ashamedof

My cell phone is off right now because I'm dreading paying the bill! My husband keeps telling me to turn my phone on and I keep saying ill do it. I have her number blocked but I can still see it under the app that she texted or called me. I don't know what to do. I guess I can always go get a new number? Except how do I explain it to my husband? This is my 4 the relapse in a year. I make it to almost 30 days then feel so tired all the time, I cave in. I feel so weak. Today is day 1 , back to withdrawels but that's not the worst for me, it's the impending doom I get and feelings of guilt and I can't turn my brain off. What did y'all do while detoxing to make it easier? Thank you all for the responses and not judging me. This is my only form of support right now so I really appreciate it.

OpioPhobe

My experience with addicts has been that we are a very creative lot. I am sure you can come up with something to tell your husband if you think about it. Maybe you need a new number because there are too many telemarketers calling you?

I think that feeling of impending doom / guilt is just another part of the withdrawal. It was with me anyway.

For detox the number one thing was to force myself to stay busy and to always do my best to keep a positive attitude. Listening to music, exercising and taking hot baths were all close seconds. I wish I had learned meditation before I had gone through my detoxes. That would have been very helpful.

Ashamedof

Thank you opio, you're right..we're constantly coming up with lies. I could say it's being blown up by spammers. I really want to be done this time.. I want to build my dream home and that will never happen while I'm wasting money on a 3 hour semi high feeling...in the end, it's just NOT worth it. I know I'll run out and the cycle continues. This time I'm going to stay as busy as I can. I'm not sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself, that makes it all worse. I'm going to clean my house really good, clean out my closet and take a long bath. Time to take care of myself.

Upward2Enlightenment

You could tell them if they keep calling/messaging you that you will call the cops.

Ashamedof

I just dropped my phone in a tub of water , hoping it's destroyed...

Druwyd

Taking steps, good job Ash!

finaltime

Good work!!!!!!!!!!!

TiredEnough

I shot a cell phone once with a 7.62 but that was for a different reason. Drowning it was a good idea.

four812

Did you ruin the phone? Now what?

Ashamedof

Phone won't turn on...I'll go buy a cheap phone in a few days and get a new number, that's my plan. I don't need the stupid cell anyway. I'm not worried about it at this moment.