ZionLion127

Hi there,
I am new to this forum and usually "attend" the
Al-Anon site. I am not a child of an alcoholic
however, I feel that it may be necessary
to explore what the children of alcoholics
go through because my husband is an alcoholic
and I do not want to put my children through
the same things that you-all have been
through.
What advice might any/all of you have concerning
this issue knowing that whatever you say could have
a positive effect on two kid's lives.
?

splendra

I think one of the most important things for a child of an alcoholic to know is that their behavor is not the childs fault!!! We feel like it is all our fault that dad or mom does what they do.

I have spent my whole life trying to come to terms with how my parents treated me as a result of their alcoholism....

I would also say watch how he treats them and make sure he is not projecting his negative feelings about himself on to them...... that is a big one!!

Thank you for realizing that you need to help your children now

spirit

hi zion

such a brave and protective post and question.

both my parents are alcoholics and has time has gone on, i too realise i have the same issues. ( i am now 43)

i was fortunate my parents were aware of their problem and i didnt have to witness too much grief, but there were days!!!.

now as i grow older they witness their actions in me but 100 times worse. circles go round hey. this is no way to say your children will have the same probs.

however my advise from my child hood memories are:

a) this stuff will pass, it will be remembered like all childhood stuff
b) these people are unwell, they have a 'legitimate' illness. so often alcoholism isnt seen as legitimate in the same ways some other illnesses are. the consequences arent ok, but the causes are valid, real and an illnesss. i never understood that until i confronted my own actions, i always thought it was a polite excuse. think of your hubby as a sick person who needs to get well. as a family we try to make them well, when and if we can. sometimes we cant make them be want we want them to be - no one is that powerful

now 43 yrs on i am an adult and a parent with the same illness.

but i know it is only one part of me, aside from being an alcoholic, i am a mum, a sister, a daughter, daughter in law, aunt, ex wife, new partner, worker, friend etc etc. there is more to me than the alkie.

my job as the parent is to be responsible, but when i cant be that i am honest with my kids and say "i am having a blowout because....", i call on my friends to help me to be a responsible parent, partner worker etc.

for your kids, their dad is not a bad man, he just does bad or stupid things at times. dont let them taint their knowledge of him by the bad things he does. he isnt an alcholic 24/7, even though it may feel like it. or rather he isnt drunk 24/7.

it is important to remember to that in their eyes he is not. (however if he is and he is dangerous then get them out of there are until they are old enough to cope).

let them enjoy the good times with him, help them build those memories.

these sound like contradictions, and in some ways they are. but remember we as big people also assume kids see and interpret things with big people eyes - they dont. sure they **** but they dont anticipate it in the same way we as big people do .

i guess what i am saying is " he does crap, but he is not a bad person, do not destroy your kids image of their dad because of your feelings of his behaviour, in time they will learn more about what is happening for him".

he is their dad, in the same way you are their mum, you are both their god and goddesses. let that be

the only time that is not allowed is if one of you hurts them; him because of his drinking or you because of your fear of his drinking.

i once worked with a girl who was horrifically sexually abused by her father, (not acohol related) and she said " i love my dad, we do good stuff together, we go fishing, play cards,, garden, etc i love that, i just dont like it when he wants to have sex with me" that taught me a lot about how kids see stuff.
he may be an alklie, but as i said unless he dangerous, he is their dad, they will love hime no matter what. your job as their mum is to also love them, make them save and protect them when need be.

hope this is understandable and helps.
hugs
kath

Gabe

Talk to your kids about what's going on.
Let them know that their Dad is sick, that it's not his real self doing all these destructive things, but the disease that has taken control of him.
Let them ask questions.
Let them vent if they need to.
Let them cry if they need to as well.
You do the same.

care bear

Hi I grew up with an alchoholic father and an achoholic slash addict mother.I also am now married to an alchoholic slash addict now.My children are 16,15,12 and12 and I am now dealing with the issues with them.I was so codependant and focused on the addict all there life that they missed out.One of the biggest mistakes that I felt I made was not being honest with them.I tried to hide the problem from them and I found out now that they knew anyways,which intern created confusion and anger in them.My 16 year old told me that he knew that my H was using and he felt all these years that it was ok to use drugs and abuse alchohol because my A could still go to work everyday and function in life.There is so much addiction around them that they all began to think this as the normal life.The way it is supposed to be!!!!!
I also feel that it is important to not downgrade or cut down the A no matter how angry we are.It only creates more confusion and anger.I communicate alot with my children,let them know that none of this is there fault.They are in counceling now.I have hi hopes for my children and pray that they can be wonderful,productive adults and move beyond there past.

listerone

Being the adult child of two alcoholics,one of whom was somewhat violent,I
encourage you to,among many other things,take steps to insure that neither
of them are subjected to any physical,sexual abuse or psychological abuse
and also to take steps (both for their sake and yours) to insure that *you*
aren't subjected to any of these things.

These are the things that first come to *my* mind!

Gabe

Hey Listerone,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Thanks for the good suggestions.
Sometimes what we lived through in the past helps us to make things better for our kids in the present.
And that's a good thing.

ZionLion127

I really appreciate all of your output.
I guess there aren't any easy answers.
-Still looking for that "magic bullet"
that will help me to understand-