inpieces314

So, we all know the ABF died on Tuesday last week.

It's been the longest week of my life, no lie, and I have been through some ****, so I know what I am talking about. I have been an absolute disaster, but I am okay right now, it sounds stupid, but I am at home, and I feel like he is here with me and the kids, which helps.

Anyway. I have been running around all week trying to register his stuff for an estate, calling banks and the DMV and all that reporting his death to save his social security number from being stolen, stuff like that. I told the funeral director to tell his parents, because they refuse to speak to me, that I will be more than willing to help pay for the funeral that I wasn't even allowed to go to in the first place. I went to his job today to tell them his mother's address so they can mail her his last check.

My parents tell me I am being an idiot, because he never cared about me. I say I just want to do the right thing, people are out there right now trying to steal his identity, and it burns me up. They say he never did the right thing for me, so why should I do it now? I say that I have always done what needed to be done when it came to him. That's what leads me to the codie behavior thing. I did pretty much the same thing when he went to rehab. Focused on him, and not on myself. My only defense to this is, I will never do this again for him, and I want to make sure that he is taken care of, because no one else is. Doing this for him is pretty much the only thing that makes me feel better, which is another reason why I think this might be codie behavior. I KNOW there is no one out there who cares about him as much as me, and I KNOW that I want to make damn well sure that I do the right thing by him, because no one else will do it.

I am upset because doing this has pissed off my parents, and of course his parents are already pissed at me. So now, because I have no friends, I have no support. I have a lot of guilt, which is probably another reason why I am doing this. My mom keeps comparing it to her life, which is similar, but not too much. My dad died when I was three, shot while on the job. I am the oldest, and there were 3 of us. He died in the hospital a month after he was shot, and while it is horrible, she had a whole month to be with him while the end was coming. I didn't. No apologies, no I love you, no nothing-he's just gone.

I wasn't nice to him at all. At some point last year I decided to stop being codependent and live my own life, and I swear to God, I would take it all back if I knew what was coming. I see it as I robbed him of precious time he could have had with us because I was selfish. And I don't care what anyone says, that is what happened. If I just dealt with his BS he would still be here, pissing me off, but he would still be here. So now, I have to do what I can do to make this right. Even if this was codie behavior, I am not going to stop. When it's over, it's over-I just want to be aware of what I am doing.

Mango blast

Putting him first before you even now is codie behavior. It is also grief. Both of these things need time. Take the best care of you possible. (((hugs)))

Seren

Hello inpieces,

I can only begin to imagine the week you have been having, and I'm so sorry for all of it.

If you don't want me to tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about, then I won't. Even though I disagree with you.

It was actually very kind and thoughtful of you to contact the company where your ex worked so that his parents would receive his final pay check. It is also very generous of you to offer to help pay for his final expenses and honor his name and memory by making sure his identity would not be used fraudulently. I don't think there is anything codie about either of those things.

I'm not sure if anything you are doing is codie, but I am extraordinarily worried about you. You seem to feel as though if you work yourself into the ground, if you make a complete wreck of yourself, you will somehow make up for what you feel was cruel treatment of your ex. It won't, because what you did, you did for the benefit of you and your children, not to be cruel to anyone.

Please don't make yourself ill and take your children's one remaining parent out of the picture, too.

ladyscribbler

I have to second this. My ex husband passed away last summer from cancer. He was not an alcoholic, I divorced him for other reasons. I was not invited to his funeral, his second wife didn't tell me about it until afterward. So I was not there to comfort our son, who had been living with them.
Being the sole surviving parent is a lot of weight to carry. I feel it every day. My younger son's father is a non functioning alcoholic whose condition is degenerating daily. He might hang on for several more years, some do, but in a practical sense he is already lost to us.
Do what you feel you have to, but remember your self. Take care of you. Remember your children, they have lost their father. Have you told them yet?
Don't know if I mentioned this before, but your local hospice may have some resources such as grief counseling that are free and open to anyone who has suffered a loss such as yours. My 12 yo son had a good experience with the one here.
Hugs and strength to you and your kids.

redatlanta

I really feel for you its clear you loved this man very much.

If I just dealt with his BS he would still be here, pissing me off, but he would still be here.


No one has the power on this earth to save an addict from death. I know you are riddled with grief and guilt. I hope when you get some perspective you will come to understand that you did not cause this anymore than you caused the addiction in the first place. He could have Od'd at your home as well as anywhere. His life did not have more value than your own, and no less.

I'm not sure why you are asking is this codie behavior, as you state that even if it is you aren't going to stop.

Like Seren I see a lot of your behavior as doing the normal things one does when a loved one passes away. If this is angering your parents then stop discussing it with them. You really don't have to explain to anyone why you feel like you have to do these things. I get why they don't understand you are their child and they are going to want to protect you. I'm sure they tried or wanted this when you were involved with him.

I hope you will get some rest tonight and feel contentment in that you have accomplished so much. I hope you feel better soon. It may be worth looking into getting some grief counseling to help process what you are feeling.

(((((hugs)))))

inpieces314

I pretty much decided to not talk to my parents at all. This really is nothing new, nothing I ever did was good enough for them.

I just want to understand where all this crap is coming from. I have had plenty of family members die, and I always just kind of pushed it off. I hate dead people. I hate death. I am a necrophobe. Not even close, this time.

I am just confused. I have never felt this devastated in my entire life, ever. Never. Mornings are the worst-by the time nighttime comes I am too exhausted to care about much of anything. I just don't know.

One of my friends called me yesterday and said that she thought that after everything I had been through, this would be the thing that would drag me down. I told her I think so too. I just. don't. care. Very codependent-just worried about getting his **** together instead of mine.

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you have children to think of here so it isn't just about you and your grief and pain.

You need to keep it together for those kids, even if you don't care about yourself right now. You are the remaining parent, and now that you aren't talking to your parents, you don't have grandparent help to fall back on right now.

He doesn't need you to get his **** together any more, and I agree with other posters that nothing you could have done would have ultimately changed the outcome here--your guilt won't help what you didn't cause, but acute grief is really difficult to get through and you need to feel all your feelings. Just don't let yourself do it all day every day--maybe designate a time to cry and feel it like when you are in the tub and your child is in bed.

Keep the focus on your kids and moving forward in your life. Take your problem-solving energy which is helping you get through this process and put it towards your own situation.

You can get through this and the pain, believe it or not, will soften over time.
You can and should care for yourself right now and that in turn will help you care for your children better.
Is grief therapy an option? I did some after my mother's death and found it very helpful.