Is it worth trying to find a balance?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
Is it worth trying to find a balance?
On Friday, my AH and I had our second counseling session. He had been arrested for drunk driving the weekend before and started to admit, bit by bit, that he had a problem.
(I wonder how much of that admission is genuine and how much is just more manipulation to get what he wants, but in terms of his recovery, this is better than nothing.)
This second counseling session was much more emotional for me than the first one. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring: he noticed and it shocked him. I called him out on so many lies and deceptions, and poured out so much hurt and anger. I said I could not be his motivation to get better...that he had to do it for himself, not anyone else. He agreed to work with an addiction specialist at the center (the counselor just called today to tell me the specialist agreed to take him on as a patient and talked a little about next steps).
On the surface, this all seems encouraging...and yet I wonder. I'm wary and suspicious. I am starting to realize the extent of the emotional abuse I've suffered at his hands (thanks to the sticky on emotional abuse from the abuser's perspective!) and wonder whether things he says are genuine or manipulative. We are separated but see each other during pick-ups and drop-offs for our son. Saturday night, he looked at me with such disgust and contempt...yet I didn't even notice it. How sad that my mom had to point out to me that that look, plus his tone when he spoke to me, is not how he should interact with someone he supposedly loves?! We also talk on the phone (usually about our son or bills) and while I've told him I'm fighting every day to hold on to hope, and that he needs to start giving me reasons to keep fighting, he never does.
Is it even worth it? Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between moving on with what is best for me and my son (still separated, finances are close to being split, contact is limited, attorney is ready to file for divorce if I say the word, plans are made for the birth of our second child and my maternity leave, which do not include him) alongside trying to offer him at least a little emotional support and some hope that if he comes through this, he *might* get his wife back. But that's really, really hard because every time I offer something up (say, a text to say good night and I love you) I never get anything back (if I don't text the next night, I won't hear anything from him).
It's exhausting. I've given so much over the past couple of years and only received lies and deception and manipulation in return. But he wasn't always like this. For many more years than not, he was a wonderful husband. If he conquers the alcoholism, can he bring that man back to the surface, too? His journey will be so hard...will I make it nearly impossible if I leave him and remove that hope? Should I even care?
(I wonder how much of that admission is genuine and how much is just more manipulation to get what he wants, but in terms of his recovery, this is better than nothing.)
This second counseling session was much more emotional for me than the first one. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring: he noticed and it shocked him. I called him out on so many lies and deceptions, and poured out so much hurt and anger. I said I could not be his motivation to get better...that he had to do it for himself, not anyone else. He agreed to work with an addiction specialist at the center (the counselor just called today to tell me the specialist agreed to take him on as a patient and talked a little about next steps).
On the surface, this all seems encouraging...and yet I wonder. I'm wary and suspicious. I am starting to realize the extent of the emotional abuse I've suffered at his hands (thanks to the sticky on emotional abuse from the abuser's perspective!) and wonder whether things he says are genuine or manipulative. We are separated but see each other during pick-ups and drop-offs for our son. Saturday night, he looked at me with such disgust and contempt...yet I didn't even notice it. How sad that my mom had to point out to me that that look, plus his tone when he spoke to me, is not how he should interact with someone he supposedly loves?! We also talk on the phone (usually about our son or bills) and while I've told him I'm fighting every day to hold on to hope, and that he needs to start giving me reasons to keep fighting, he never does.
Is it even worth it? Right now, I'm trying to find a balance between moving on with what is best for me and my son (still separated, finances are close to being split, contact is limited, attorney is ready to file for divorce if I say the word, plans are made for the birth of our second child and my maternity leave, which do not include him) alongside trying to offer him at least a little emotional support and some hope that if he comes through this, he *might* get his wife back. But that's really, really hard because every time I offer something up (say, a text to say good night and I love you) I never get anything back (if I don't text the next night, I won't hear anything from him).
It's exhausting. I've given so much over the past couple of years and only received lies and deception and manipulation in return. But he wasn't always like this. For many more years than not, he was a wonderful husband. If he conquers the alcoholism, can he bring that man back to the surface, too? His journey will be so hard...will I make it nearly impossible if I leave him and remove that hope? Should I even care?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
" It's exhausting. I've given so much over the past couple of years and only received lies and deception and manipulation "
I can tell you from my experience only that I don't have enough years in life to wait on him to finally fix himself.
I am 36 years old and will always feel he could slip up one day. He has done a lot of the things you have mentioned. At the end of the day I decided ENOUGH is ENOUGH and when I turn 37,38,39,40 I want to be wondering how much happier I can be in life instead of wondering is today the day I am done.
I have a lot of friends that have happy marriages and relationship than miserable ones and I want to be apart of that circle. I did my time in this cell of H*ll and I AM out.
AH has been out since January and I feel I am the happiest I have been in 10+.
I can tell you from my experience only that I don't have enough years in life to wait on him to finally fix himself.
I am 36 years old and will always feel he could slip up one day. He has done a lot of the things you have mentioned. At the end of the day I decided ENOUGH is ENOUGH and when I turn 37,38,39,40 I want to be wondering how much happier I can be in life instead of wondering is today the day I am done.
I have a lot of friends that have happy marriages and relationship than miserable ones and I want to be apart of that circle. I did my time in this cell of H*ll and I AM out.
AH has been out since January and I feel I am the happiest I have been in 10+.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
I found this saying and I have it printed and in several places in my house
Definition of Stupid:
Knowing the truth
Seeing the truth, but
still believing the lies.
There is nothing further for my AH that I can do nor do I want to do anything more for him.
It just isn't a healthy relationship and I'd rather just be me and happy right now.
Definition of Stupid:
Knowing the truth
Seeing the truth, but
still believing the lies.
There is nothing further for my AH that I can do nor do I want to do anything more for him.
It just isn't a healthy relationship and I'd rather just be me and happy right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Only you can decide how you want to move forward. That decision does not have to be made today, or tomorrow. This is no marathon, it's your life. Take the time to make the decisions when you are not on an emoational rollercoaster. Do things for you to get healing and happiness in your life, one step at a time.
XXX
XXX
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Wow!
You're one of the very few! A pregnant married woman that will leave her husband if need be. Most see themselves as stuck when pregnant.
You have made plans and are ready to act.
You're doing everything right here!
The stubborn little bratty child that is the alcoholic doesn't like push-back, and you're pushing back.
Truth is, he may not realize for 40 years that he mistakenly lost you, if that stubborn little bratty child is at the wheel of his life. Then again, he may start to straighten up soon. Since there's no way to predict what he's going to choose, you have to continue on with your plans separately. You have to keep a plan B ready to act on, and not discard the plan B, but always have it ready, even if he seems to be straightening up.
Until he learns, and it truly sinks in that he doesn't deserve an intact family with a drunk at the wheel (literally and figuratively) then continue your path.
From what I've seen and read, just about the only time they clean up their act is when you do leave them. Doesn't mean you can't get back together should he change significantly.
Should you care?
Well...put you and the kids first. If there's any caring left over, ok, care if you want to, but your obligations and priorities should be you and the kids first.
You're one of the very few! A pregnant married woman that will leave her husband if need be. Most see themselves as stuck when pregnant.
You have made plans and are ready to act.
You're doing everything right here!
The stubborn little bratty child that is the alcoholic doesn't like push-back, and you're pushing back.
Truth is, he may not realize for 40 years that he mistakenly lost you, if that stubborn little bratty child is at the wheel of his life. Then again, he may start to straighten up soon. Since there's no way to predict what he's going to choose, you have to continue on with your plans separately. You have to keep a plan B ready to act on, and not discard the plan B, but always have it ready, even if he seems to be straightening up.
Until he learns, and it truly sinks in that he doesn't deserve an intact family with a drunk at the wheel (literally and figuratively) then continue your path.
From what I've seen and read, just about the only time they clean up their act is when you do leave them. Doesn't mean you can't get back together should he change significantly.
Should you care?
Well...put you and the kids first. If there's any caring left over, ok, care if you want to, but your obligations and priorities should be you and the kids first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 
Wow!
You're one of the very few! A pregnant married woman that will leave her husband if need be. Most see themselves as stuck when pregnant.
You have made plans and are ready to act.
You're doing everything right here!
You're one of the very few! A pregnant married woman that will leave her husband if need be. Most see themselves as stuck when pregnant.
You have made plans and are ready to act.
You're doing everything right here!
I'll own the internal strength and courage this has taken, but I'll never take for granted the external blessings that have made my situation much easier than it could have been otherwise.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Well said, and many are in dire financial straits and can't see the way out because of that.
But you have also been able to see past the religious aspect that causes guilt in many, or the obligation to stick by your man type of thinking. It's more than just your courage and strength, though I won't diminish those!
But you have also been able to see past the religious aspect that causes guilt in many, or the obligation to stick by your man type of thinking. It's more than just your courage and strength, though I won't diminish those!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm trying to find a balance between moving on with what is best for me and my son /.../ alongside trying to offer him at least a little emotional support and some hope that if he comes through this, he *might* get his wife back.
You're saying he isn't giving you any encouragement, support, help. That's probably because he is overwhelmed enough taking care of himself. Sweeping his side of the street.
I think you have every right to do the same thing. Focus on YOU. Focus on the children. Focus on building a good life for you.
You don't have to decide NOW whether to divorce him or let him back in -- that decisions will be made when you are ready to make it. Right now, it's all about you and the kids. And it's up to your AH whether he is going to take the steps necessary to be part of that family or not. Until he takes those steps, or not, you don't really have to make a decision, do you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by lillamy
You're saying he isn't giving you any encouragement, support, help. That's probably because he is overwhelmed enough taking care of himself. Sweeping his side of the street.
I think you have every right to do the same thing. Focus on YOU. Focus on the children. Focus on building a good life for you.
I think you have every right to do the same thing. Focus on YOU. Focus on the children. Focus on building a good life for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Commitment. We talked about that last week in our meeting. Several of the long timers claimed the D word was banned from their house and they took pride in their total buy in to commitment.
But I have to wonder, is marriage supposed to be this hard? No one signs on for an addiction. Some people wisely state the A breaks the marital vows first by putting addiction first. I wonder if for some commitment is just another excuse for codependency?
Just not sure. It is your choice. What does your heart tell you? If you aren't fully at peace with the decision, you can take it day by day. It sounds like you have two roads well mapped and one of them will get concrete when you have peace about the decision.
Peace and hugs! I am so happy you have financial freedom!
But I have to wonder, is marriage supposed to be this hard? No one signs on for an addiction. Some people wisely state the A breaks the marital vows first by putting addiction first. I wonder if for some commitment is just another excuse for codependency?
Just not sure. It is your choice. What does your heart tell you? If you aren't fully at peace with the decision, you can take it day by day. It sounds like you have two roads well mapped and one of them will get concrete when you have peace about the decision.
Peace and hugs! I am so happy you have financial freedom!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
