story74

So he came back after a year and a half, and I wrote him a letter.

I got back on the roller coaster as soon as I put a stamp on that letter and mailed it.

I felt like I owed it to my son.

The day I knew he would receive the letter the dreaded anxiety began. Did he get it? What will his reaction be? Can we be friends? Will he hurt my son? Is he sober? Is he still with the gross woman? What is he telling his family? What is his family telling him? How is he feeling? Will he respect me? Is he in rehab? How can he be out of state without doing drugs? What was I thinking? I want nothing to do with him. I want off.

Oh, what a phone call can start.

I felt really good about the letter I sent. I stated very clearly that he must take accountability and be in rehab and he can write my son. I haven't even told my son he called.

I did some investigating (extremely unhealthy) and found him and the gross woman are still together. disappointing. This means he isn't seeking healthy. Unless he is such a whimp he is slowly breaking up with her. Who cares right? Well, this means everything. To me, if he is still with her, he is still using. Anyways, I just blocked this information getting. TOO UNHEALTHY. I want off.

Then I see pictures of a family reunion. He is all smiles. Everyone is. Granted, they are pictures. But these evoked pain, jealousy and sadness. How could he be happy if he has abandoned his son? I should be there with him because we were once family. I miss these people I once called family, but now I have been dismissed. I am nothing to any of them. Crazy emotions right? ALL FROM A PHONE CALL.

I thought I was stronger than this, but I took the bait. I knew better than this.
I let him get to me.

So all weekend I have had a range of emotions. They went from hopeful to sad. Even angry at myself at times for letting this happen. Some moments I felt strong, like I got this not matter what happens. I need to find that head space and stay there mentally. I keep telling myself, I do not have to let him back in to our lives. If I get even 1 red flag...ignoring my questions about his addiction, attacking me, not paying child support like he said he would...which I still have yet to receive...I am ignoring. We will see if he writes back. I swear if he writes back and even mentions his girlfriend and how I need to allow her in our life, I will be devastated...because yet again he isn't thinking about our son. Yet again he has hurt him. Has your addict ever hung out with a person you knew was their drug buddy? And have they protected them like gold? So, yes, I can ignore, and I am thankful I gave him a chance to say he was in rehab, but boy will it been painful if he is same old same old.

Through all this I have realized there is nothing more than I want him healthy back into our life. I use to wish him dead, but I think that was out of hurt. I have realized that I love him. Not the love like a wife, but I love him as a person. I miss his friendship. I want him to be a healthy role model for our son so bad. More than I ever thought. I want us to co-parent, more than I ever thought.

I try to see every experience in a positive way. Maybe I needed this phone call to see that I do want to see him healthy and not dead or in jail. It helped me recognize I how I feel. I also realize that this is something I am going to have to deal with for many years. The in and out of the addict. Thankfully, our custody agreement is in writing. Thankfully, I have the power to say...um, NO. And as hard as it will be, I will. I wish I could be emotionless when it comes to dealing with this crap. I don't need the anxiety.

No more investigating. Ignorance is bliss! I just pray I can keep doing what I know I SHOULD do. That is key. At least this time I have more of an educated eye.

Sigh. I really hate this.

Ann

Story, no matter what our relationship with our addicted loved one, we aren't done until we are done and that may take several attempts and new lessons.

Don't beat yourself up. Most of us gave it "one more try" hoping "this time it will be different". Many of us tried when we knew it would not be different but we thought maybe WE would be different.

We reach our "enough" point when we cannot try one more time, and not a moment before.

I'm sorry this isn't unfolding as you had hoped, but I hope it does help your healing process knowing you tried, one more time.

Hugs

story74

Thanks, you always have such kind and positive words. Just part of this journey. Thank you.

chicory

Story,

I believe that his actions speak louder than any words will. If he is an addict, you do not want your son around that, right?
You and your son are enough, and you matter, and the happiness you can find today matters. I am sorry this is tough for you. hugs.

PurpleWilder

Thanks for this post, story74. I have been contemplating getting on a similar mental roller coaster (especially with the online research aspect) for the last couple of days and came to SR to help me, um, leave the amusement park. Your post is helping me to just walk the hell away.

Anyway, thanks again.

LoveMeNow

Letting go of the dream, the would of, should of, could of's were the hardest for me. Any glimmer of hope made my heart get all stirred up again. Each time, each disappointment, hurt like h3ll but eventually made me stronger.

You have come so far. What may seem like a little set back, can really help make you stronger. Unfortunately, it just takes time.

Your son is very lucky. Take pride in that and celebrate it daily.

story74

Oh LMN, if that isn't so perfectly stated. It sums it up!

So far, first lie: there has been no child support payment as he stated. Secondly, if I hadn't seen my son for as long as he has, I would have gotten a letter today...nothing. But, I should cut him some slck on this. Honestly, I would be surprised to even get a letter as this requires to think, write, a stamp and to even mail it. He couldn't be trusted to pay a bill when sober!

We will see.

anykey

You own today. Own your day. You can not change the past- and the future is not here yet.

It doesnt sound like you are off the roller coaster tho- living well is the best revenge.

chicory

So true. That has been my inspiration many a time in my life.

story74

No, not off the roller coaster yet. But, hoping to be fully one day. It makes things much more complicated when a child and courts are involved.

My life is going really well. I am very content. It is easy to judge and assume based on my writing. But, I'm doing really well considering everything!

I am in control of letting him into my life again. I know the signs of addiction, and I am stating them to help me realize that he is in no way healthy. I will not accept unhealthy in my life. But, as LVM not stated, it is a very hard journey.

anykey

I told a friend of mine as long as her court case is going on- she wont break out of her depression.

I am new to the board- so I am not clued into all the details.

I dont have any kids but I can see where that would be a huge factor.

Try not to allow him the power to make you feel sad. If he is a bad catch- then him seeing some other gal is irrelevant. Some get into the pattern they dont want to have their ex- and they dont want anyone else to have that ex. You win when him looking happy in a photo means nothing to you. As you are so pumped up about your own life- you are where it is happening- examining him is a step down when you could be celebrating YOU.

story74

I appreciate what you are saying, but I feel as though you have no idea. Feel free to read through my 400 and some posts. I have come quite far because of this site, and feel quite proud of where I am at. I feel as you are quick to judge...especially without children.