I just dont get it
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I just dont get it
Do you know what my marriage counselor told me lastnight.......he told me he has been seeing me now for almost 3 months........and he doesnt see me as being co-dependent..........he says that sometimes when you read books, (co-dependent no more) and (Beyond co-dependent) that I shouldnt believe everything that i am reading and put myself in everyone's situations and life.....I dont get it, I am thoroughly confused.........I was excited that I finally figured out what was wrong with me and I was on the right road of trying to fix it........(Is there nothing really wrong with me??) Is my husband just a freak that I married??????? a good looking freak?????? I have so many unanswered questions........and I dont think they are even possible to answer them, cause I dont know what to think anymore.......he told me about a step program (a safe house for abused women) My husband is very scared right now because I was honest with the marriage counselor lastnight about the physical violence........my husband told me since i brought it to the attention of our therapist......that is when the therapist can step in and involve the police..........(I dont know about that???) I am glad my husband is scared of that......I dont want to get pushed around anymore.......my husband also agreed that when i felt unsafe that he agreed to leave........My husband also agreed to get medication from the family doctor and to attend regular AA meetings and I will attend Al-non…………I am not ready to let go of my co-dependentcy issues…..I feel like this site and the books I have been reading do relate to me and I am going to continue to get myself better…..whatever the hell is wrong with me…….and of course my husband during the session, or afterward said that I am becoming a hypochondriac (SP)……..I just want to shout to the world FU********************** offfffffffff..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi breec3.
Not everybody who loves an alcoholic is codependent. And codependent is not exactly a scientific word. People mean different things when they use the term. But what most people mean is someone who lets other people's problems become their problems to the point where they hardly have a life of their own. If changing your behavior in the ways that are suggested in Melody Beattie's books or in alanon meetings and literature makes you feel better, what difference does it make what you call it? Maybe your counselor doesn't like to see people label themselves. Anyway, you don't have to be codie to be here. We'll still be your friends. And if somebody calls you a codie and you've decided you're not one we're just being inclusive... like you're in the club, y'know? You can think of it as an honorary title. LOL
Not everybody who loves an alcoholic is codependent. And codependent is not exactly a scientific word. People mean different things when they use the term. But what most people mean is someone who lets other people's problems become their problems to the point where they hardly have a life of their own. If changing your behavior in the ways that are suggested in Melody Beattie's books or in alanon meetings and literature makes you feel better, what difference does it make what you call it? Maybe your counselor doesn't like to see people label themselves. Anyway, you don't have to be codie to be here. We'll still be your friends. And if somebody calls you a codie and you've decided you're not one we're just being inclusive... like you're in the club, y'know? You can think of it as an honorary title. LOL
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Thank you
that is exactly what I have been thinking.......these books, the literature and this site has helped me tremendously, so he says I am not co-dependent, fine............. I dont believe him....it feels good to have friends here, that I feel like I have known my whole life.......people that I can talk to and share things with, that I havent been even able to share with my own parents....or my siblings..........people that actually have gone through the same types of situations that I have......this is giving me some peace of mind....this is giving me some goals.........I feel like people here actually care about how I feel........
I asked my counselor if I needed drugs..........he said I dont think so.......I just kept asking him so what the hell is wrong with me then.......something has to be right???????
It is a beautiful day outside today here.......the sun is shining bright, we have or I have a three day weekend.........I am going to do something different this weekend..........for myself..........thats fun.......
that is exactly what I have been thinking.......these books, the literature and this site has helped me tremendously, so he says I am not co-dependent, fine............. I dont believe him....it feels good to have friends here, that I feel like I have known my whole life.......people that I can talk to and share things with, that I havent been even able to share with my own parents....or my siblings..........people that actually have gone through the same types of situations that I have......this is giving me some peace of mind....this is giving me some goals.........I feel like people here actually care about how I feel........I asked my counselor if I needed drugs..........he said I dont think so.......I just kept asking him so what the hell is wrong with me then.......something has to be right???????
It is a beautiful day outside today here.......the sun is shining bright, we have or I have a three day weekend.........I am going to do something different this weekend..........for myself..........thats fun.......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
breec -
I went to a therapist one time before I found AlAnon. She listened to me for a little while and then suggested we make a list of ways that I could help my husband to stop drinking, ways I could convince him to seek help or to just give it up.
Good Grief ! I even knew then that was a crazy idea. They may be great therapists but I think that some of them just don't understand this issue.
For me, codependency is putting the needs and feelings of others above our own needs and feelings on a consistent basis. Basically, ignoring what we want or need in order to try to fufill someone else's wants and needs. I'm sure that you and I can relate to that whether we want to call it codependency or whatever.
Glad your H is going to get some meds. I will say this one more time (oh h*ll, I'll probably say it five thousand more times), you stay safe. If you think he might hurt you, get out of there.
Hugs - L
I went to a therapist one time before I found AlAnon. She listened to me for a little while and then suggested we make a list of ways that I could help my husband to stop drinking, ways I could convince him to seek help or to just give it up.
Good Grief ! I even knew then that was a crazy idea. They may be great therapists but I think that some of them just don't understand this issue.
For me, codependency is putting the needs and feelings of others above our own needs and feelings on a consistent basis. Basically, ignoring what we want or need in order to try to fufill someone else's wants and needs. I'm sure that you and I can relate to that whether we want to call it codependency or whatever.
Glad your H is going to get some meds. I will say this one more time (oh h*ll, I'll probably say it five thousand more times), you stay safe. If you think he might hurt you, get out of there.
Hugs - L
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I don’t get that either……..I felt like telling them all you know what………I think there the ones that are nuts…………I am comfortable here and this is where I will remain……….I was starting to feel good about things………..I asked the therapist if I needed meds, he said he didn’t think so………..after I shave my husband completely bald while he is sleeping, he may re-consider………I am trying to remain positive…….(can you tell) lol…………the guy that I talked to Wednesday during the day suggested I get a sponsor…….what exactly is a sponsor…….Is it someone that I can call and talk to when I feel the need………..
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Really, I think that all counselors (just as everyone else in the world) can view things so differently. And really when it comes to co-dependency, personally I think it's all in how a person interprets it's meaning.
I mean, honestly, I can say that I feel that when it comes to AH as well as a friend that I had way way back - I was/am co-dependent. However, I have not and am not been that way with everyone.
What is it about these people that made me be that way? I can guess, but really I don't know for sure. LOL. Do I care what it was? Maybe only so that it doesn't happen again. Other than that, it's a label.
You do what works for you! Regardless of what the counselor says. And if problems arise later because of it that you aren't comfortable with - then you can always find a new counselor! You do what is best for YOU!
(hugs)
I mean, honestly, I can say that I feel that when it comes to AH as well as a friend that I had way way back - I was/am co-dependent. However, I have not and am not been that way with everyone.
What is it about these people that made me be that way? I can guess, but really I don't know for sure. LOL. Do I care what it was? Maybe only so that it doesn't happen again. Other than that, it's a label.
You do what works for you! Regardless of what the counselor says. And if problems arise later because of it that you aren't comfortable with - then you can always find a new counselor! You do what is best for YOU!
(hugs)
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Bree,
A sponsor is someone who is working a program of recovery and agrees to help you in your own recovery. Its a very strong bond, commitment, often friendship. Sponsorship varies, my sponsor is just someone whom I can call to bounce ideas off of, and someone whose sole purpose is to help me in my recovery. She can be brutally honest with me and I will listen to her, knowing that she is only telling me what she sees or thinks in how it relates to MY RECOVERY. Other people have sponsors who give them assignments and homework, all sorts of stuff to help you along the road to recovery.
Good luck. Oh, I have a book to recommend too - the Emotionally Abused Woman. It was a good read and helped me to understand a LOT about myself.
hugs
Barb
A sponsor is someone who is working a program of recovery and agrees to help you in your own recovery. Its a very strong bond, commitment, often friendship. Sponsorship varies, my sponsor is just someone whom I can call to bounce ideas off of, and someone whose sole purpose is to help me in my recovery. She can be brutally honest with me and I will listen to her, knowing that she is only telling me what she sees or thinks in how it relates to MY RECOVERY. Other people have sponsors who give them assignments and homework, all sorts of stuff to help you along the road to recovery.
Good luck. Oh, I have a book to recommend too - the Emotionally Abused Woman. It was a good read and helped me to understand a LOT about myself.
hugs
Barb
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Breec,
If you feel that those books,meetings and this site are helpful to you then continue. My experience has been alot of people aren't up on what co-dependency is.
My experience with this is my A.A sponsor always told me to stop reading all those books and stick to A.A literature. But I needed the other for me and I find the Alanon side of my program much more pertinent for ME to get well.
Ngaire
If you feel that those books,meetings and this site are helpful to you then continue. My experience has been alot of people aren't up on what co-dependency is.
My experience with this is my A.A sponsor always told me to stop reading all those books and stick to A.A literature. But I needed the other for me and I find the Alanon side of my program much more pertinent for ME to get well.
Ngaire
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
In my years in recovery I have done alot of reading. Melody Beattie is not exclusive to a way to live your life. Her book is focused on living with addiction but the message is the same as all the great thinkers. Hell, in alot of ways that is why I like Dr. Phil.
We have to live our lives in ways we can be proud. We have choices and we have to be accountable for those choices. Not being able to change another person is not exclusive to Al Anon and neither is the notion of living "One day at a time" Not knowing what the future holds and letting the past stay where it is universally recommended.
"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" is all about keeping it simple. Wayne Dyer talks about the miracles that happen when we begin living life the way we should.
"A Pupose Driven Life", Gandhi, the Bible, Oprah, Dr Phil, Wayne Dyer, Thoreau all deliver the same laws of life.
Codependency is a way to name what got you here, but people get to the point of wanting change in many ways. The point is that you got there. How to find serenity is the same no matter what got you to the point of searching for it. And the end result is the same. A happier, more well adjusted, serene you!
When I entered Al Anon I was leary. But as I did more reading I got more and more excited because it validated my direction. The 12 steps happens to put it in a nice neat package with the added plus of a fellowship you really can't get anywhere else.
Hugs,
JT
We have to live our lives in ways we can be proud. We have choices and we have to be accountable for those choices. Not being able to change another person is not exclusive to Al Anon and neither is the notion of living "One day at a time" Not knowing what the future holds and letting the past stay where it is universally recommended.
"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" is all about keeping it simple. Wayne Dyer talks about the miracles that happen when we begin living life the way we should.
"A Pupose Driven Life", Gandhi, the Bible, Oprah, Dr Phil, Wayne Dyer, Thoreau all deliver the same laws of life.
Codependency is a way to name what got you here, but people get to the point of wanting change in many ways. The point is that you got there. How to find serenity is the same no matter what got you to the point of searching for it. And the end result is the same. A happier, more well adjusted, serene you!
When I entered Al Anon I was leary. But as I did more reading I got more and more excited because it validated my direction. The 12 steps happens to put it in a nice neat package with the added plus of a fellowship you really can't get anywhere else.
Hugs,
JT
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