Wife's secret drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 2
Wife's secret drinking
Hi,
I joined this forum after reading some very similar experiences some of you have had with partners drinking habits going beyond what is felt to be damaging.
I'm looking for a bit of sanity I think to be honest as not sure if it's me going mad.
The thing is my wife drinks and a lot of the time to excess. She's openly admitted to me that she doesn't have that mechanism that tells her enough is enough, but it's becoming such a strain on me my health is beginning to breakdown, but I'm trying hard not to show it and keep a high stress job and building project down.
My wife has drank heavy for a number of years and is related to her upbringing and family trials as a kid, but I never really understood to what degree this was to affect her moving forwards as a new family unit with myself. I guess naivety let me down here thinking positively things would work out.
Her drinking has always been a concern to me, and I've openly said this on many occasions, but it's never seemed to make a difference. HSe's come back with statements like 'if I can't come home and have a glass of wine occasionally then...', but it's never a glass, always a bottle or more.
I felt that giving her a new start and me trying to look out for her and teach her how to be healthy would bring her happiness, but I'm not sure it does and I feel a complete failure as her drinking has know resorted to being hidden on top of what I know she drinking in front of me.
I gave up drink about 2 years ago as a help to her, thinking it would help her see it's not required and to be less influenced by it, but no!
She knows I don't approve of her drinking habits and sadly I'm stuck as she doesn't show signs of problems when with others, but behind closed doors and shes drank she's horrid. I think that's the problem, it's not the health side of it sometimes, it's just the pure nastiness.
OK I'm not the best to get along with at times either, stress of work, and cracks because of this issue showing etc, but I'm only ever trying to help and guide her into being healthier and more stable, but I think I'm flogging a dead horse so to speak.
There are times shes tried to give up and show she's trying to lose weight and be healthy and all said with the best intentions, but as soon as a week is through or a slight upset has been felt (she takes a lot of things personally and without rational reason) it's back to a bottle of wine, and if times are prolonging it'll be boxes of wine. I'm told it's cheaper buying boxes! hmmmm...
To the point in hand now, she's now hiding drink from me whilst stating she going to get fit and it's because she 'says' she knows she has an issue with drink, but also because she wants a baby in the very near future, which is really worrying me. Me having to deal with this is one thing, but a baby?! NO WAY! Poor thing wouldn't stand a chance! I'd honestly see her drinking whilst pregnant if I wasn't around 24/7 to watch her.
I've come across several bottles of wine/cans of stella and now boxes again tucked at the back of kitchen cupboards and hidden behind the large sacks of teabags etc.
I come home every night wondering what will greet me, and by the time I get home she's drinking water or cola or something. I don't think she realises she's not good at hiding the truth and my experiences over the 3 years we've been married tell me otherwise.
I'm speaking out now as I can't go on like this as it's killing me and I'm actually scared of her and what she'll say or do. I'll also become the monster as when she's confronted with anything, it's 'oh I knew it'll be my fault' and 'that's it blame me' comments, when actually it is, or is it? Is it my wanting a normal marriage and future and it not computing with how she see's life after what she's gone through? Saying that, she thinks no one has ever gone through what she has, and I know that's not true and others have gone through much worse too!
I'm at the point of giving up because I can't face this anymore. I spoke to a counselor the other day and she suggested finding the stash whilst saying I'm looking for something and giving her chance to explain, but I'm not sure I can deal with that as it'll turn nasty. Anyone agree with this suggestion or is able to top it? he only thing in my head currently is to walk away!
Thanks and sorry for ranting....
I joined this forum after reading some very similar experiences some of you have had with partners drinking habits going beyond what is felt to be damaging.
I'm looking for a bit of sanity I think to be honest as not sure if it's me going mad.
The thing is my wife drinks and a lot of the time to excess. She's openly admitted to me that she doesn't have that mechanism that tells her enough is enough, but it's becoming such a strain on me my health is beginning to breakdown, but I'm trying hard not to show it and keep a high stress job and building project down.
My wife has drank heavy for a number of years and is related to her upbringing and family trials as a kid, but I never really understood to what degree this was to affect her moving forwards as a new family unit with myself. I guess naivety let me down here thinking positively things would work out.
Her drinking has always been a concern to me, and I've openly said this on many occasions, but it's never seemed to make a difference. HSe's come back with statements like 'if I can't come home and have a glass of wine occasionally then...', but it's never a glass, always a bottle or more.
I felt that giving her a new start and me trying to look out for her and teach her how to be healthy would bring her happiness, but I'm not sure it does and I feel a complete failure as her drinking has know resorted to being hidden on top of what I know she drinking in front of me.
I gave up drink about 2 years ago as a help to her, thinking it would help her see it's not required and to be less influenced by it, but no!
She knows I don't approve of her drinking habits and sadly I'm stuck as she doesn't show signs of problems when with others, but behind closed doors and shes drank she's horrid. I think that's the problem, it's not the health side of it sometimes, it's just the pure nastiness.
OK I'm not the best to get along with at times either, stress of work, and cracks because of this issue showing etc, but I'm only ever trying to help and guide her into being healthier and more stable, but I think I'm flogging a dead horse so to speak.
There are times shes tried to give up and show she's trying to lose weight and be healthy and all said with the best intentions, but as soon as a week is through or a slight upset has been felt (she takes a lot of things personally and without rational reason) it's back to a bottle of wine, and if times are prolonging it'll be boxes of wine. I'm told it's cheaper buying boxes! hmmmm...
To the point in hand now, she's now hiding drink from me whilst stating she going to get fit and it's because she 'says' she knows she has an issue with drink, but also because she wants a baby in the very near future, which is really worrying me. Me having to deal with this is one thing, but a baby?! NO WAY! Poor thing wouldn't stand a chance! I'd honestly see her drinking whilst pregnant if I wasn't around 24/7 to watch her.
I've come across several bottles of wine/cans of stella and now boxes again tucked at the back of kitchen cupboards and hidden behind the large sacks of teabags etc.
I come home every night wondering what will greet me, and by the time I get home she's drinking water or cola or something. I don't think she realises she's not good at hiding the truth and my experiences over the 3 years we've been married tell me otherwise.
I'm speaking out now as I can't go on like this as it's killing me and I'm actually scared of her and what she'll say or do. I'll also become the monster as when she's confronted with anything, it's 'oh I knew it'll be my fault' and 'that's it blame me' comments, when actually it is, or is it? Is it my wanting a normal marriage and future and it not computing with how she see's life after what she's gone through? Saying that, she thinks no one has ever gone through what she has, and I know that's not true and others have gone through much worse too!
I'm at the point of giving up because I can't face this anymore. I spoke to a counselor the other day and she suggested finding the stash whilst saying I'm looking for something and giving her chance to explain, but I'm not sure I can deal with that as it'll turn nasty. Anyone agree with this suggestion or is able to top it? he only thing in my head currently is to walk away!
Thanks and sorry for ranting....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
You might want to consider Al-Anon and the friends and family section on here.
You need to realize you can't control her drinking or her sobriety. All you can ask for is clarity. Clarity so you can make decisions which may include leaving her. She is going to need to have her moment to get sober and without that there is nothign that can be done - I have walked in her shoes and yours.
A child with her is perhaps the worst possible idea ever. I support your clarity in seeing this will only complicate things.
Good luck.
You need to realize you can't control her drinking or her sobriety. All you can ask for is clarity. Clarity so you can make decisions which may include leaving her. She is going to need to have her moment to get sober and without that there is nothign that can be done - I have walked in her shoes and yours.
A child with her is perhaps the worst possible idea ever. I support your clarity in seeing this will only complicate things.
Good luck.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family. 
I'd also suggest AlAnon meetings for your own sanity and support. Give a look at our friends and family forum for additional insight.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'd also suggest AlAnon meetings for your own sanity and support. Give a look at our friends and family forum for additional insight. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
to SR. You will find a lot of support here. I second JD and Least's suggestions to check out our friends and family forum and also Al Anon. And of course you are always welcome to post in this section too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for the kind and understanding welcome.
I'll defo look into the AA thing for me and surf this forum for anything that may give me the strength to face this and act on it. Just not got the energy to right this second...
Thanks again and I'll let you know how i get on.
All the best...
I'll defo look into the AA thing for me and surf this forum for anything that may give me the strength to face this and act on it. Just not got the energy to right this second...
Thanks again and I'll let you know how i get on.
All the best...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Good luck, stop. The details and prob back story are different but I recognize the hiding, boxes of wine that are "cheaper", and taking breaks to lose weight and get fit.
I'm guessing she won't stop until SHE is ready. Please don't have a baby right now, as you said. My drinking kicked into gear when I started staying at home with my kiddos and it was way more controlled before that. It's a whole new stressor lol!
I'm guessing she won't stop until SHE is ready. Please don't have a baby right now, as you said. My drinking kicked into gear when I started staying at home with my kiddos and it was way more controlled before that. It's a whole new stressor lol!
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