lilac0721

One of the things that I am learning as a have numerous starts in sobriety and returns to drinking is that I use alcohol to ignore the things that are not good in my life. I am sure I'm not the only one.

Yesterday was my day 1 again. I desperately wanted to drink after work. I got home and saw the mess my husband leaves around and on his desk in the living room of our small apartment. He laid on the couch all night watching tv, eating, and never kissed me when I got home. He controlled the remote, so I had no say in what we watched. He didn't help cook dinner or clean the dishes after. I did it all. When I ask him to clean up after himself, he gets mad and tells me it's not my space, he can do what he wants. He doesn't put his clothes away, they are strewn all over his room. I am the only one that vacuums or cleans or fixes things or calls the landlord when I can't fix things. All he does is watch tv, ride his bike, go to the bar, and eat. When I ask him to help with chores, he says maybe. And then doesn't do anything. I can't imagine buying a house with him - not that we ever could, any savings goes toward bikes or bike events or fixing his cars. I'd be the person doing everything, cleaning, maintenance, painting, yard work!

When I get sober, I realize "I deserve more than this." There are many other things that trouble me about my marital situation besides the housework that I won't go into here. But I can't leave...I'm scared. What if I'm wrong? Maybe I am just a nag. Maybe I'm the problem, I know I'm not perfect. And I can't support myself on what I currently earn, the only reason I can do this job is because of the two incomes. I'd need to return to practicing law (I am currently working at a community mental health center for peanuts). I feel stuck. And then I want to drink. And yet I no longer want to drink because I want my life to be full and rich. But I realize that it's not when I get sober.

I need advice, guidance, support, and strength. Thanks.

ontherightpath

Your situation isn't unique. It sounds kind of similar to mine. Every time I would put down the drink, I would pick up the broomstick and ride into the sunset. I placed a lot of blame on him, for the way I was feeling and then I would drink again.
My husband doesn't get overly involved in housework, and sometimes it sends me over the edge emotionally. I used to use that as am excuse to drink, and the next day when nothing was done, I was hungover and end up kissing his butt, so he wouldn't be mad I drank.
It's taken a lot of growing up to get past that. ALOT and it has taken a lot of understanding on my part to realize I'm getting sober for me. It's my choice. It's my reality. If he doesn't wanna clean up, oh well, it's no longer my job to try and control him.
And it's much calmer when I don't drink over it.

nopartygirl

Yes., it really is a bummer to be stuck in "stuck" mode. I have found that there really is something to be said about putting each day behind you in a sober way and doing one small thing each day that shows you worth to yourself.

I have had many day ones as well and have "shockingly" strung together 23 days in a row. The empowerment, contentment, and clarity are very new and exciting for me but I could not see the forest for the trees when I was drinking. You can do this, keep the focus on you and your growth and the answers will be there for you

nomis

Yes, getting sober certainly has made me question everything, including marriage. No more running from problems, you're now faced with dealing what life throws at you.

LBrain

I feel for you. Because that is what I was like when I was drinking - sort of. I didn't put my clothes away and then complained when she put them in the 'wrong' place. ETC.
The important thing is to not drink - obviously. Have you tried meditation? Even small doses of meditation can be helpful. Try not to visualize people in robes sitting in a circle. Meditation can be done anywhere. Aside from sticking to your no alcohol plan, consider reading up on meditation techniques. Google can get you there. Book stores have a section on it - usually a small corner next to the Christian section. Or look in the yoga/health section. Just to learn proper breathing techniques is a good start. 5 - 10 minutes is all it takes to get you started. I wish I could help you with the domestic issues. My only advice is to look after number 1 for now.

lilac0721

Good suggestion. Yes, I have tried meditation and it works wonders! In my current work role as a case manager in mental health, I often suggest it to people dealing with anxiety. I need to add it back to my routine. I have a few books on meditation, as well.

Thanks everyone, for sharing your experiences. It does help to know that I am not alone.

CAPTAINZING2000

Have you told him what you just wrote?

If, you want to spend the rest of your life raising him, I'd suggest you set some rules up you both can live with or move.

AZliving

Lilac,

I've been where you are. I left my AH when I finally had a way out. My first Husband and I have six kids together. I was so unhappy with his drinking and womanizing. I knew there was a better life and way of living out there. So I took the leap and left and never looked back. My children are now all grown up and mostly happy with their lives. None of them became addicts like their father and me. I thank God everyday for that. Take each day one at a time. Have faith in yourself. You are worth having a wonderful life. Take care.

Anna

My feeling is you need to leave, but not immediately so as to cause you more upset. We've all been stuck in a place where we were too scared to take action, and the time will be right for you to do so. Make a plan to take care of your finances, put aside any money you can, prepare mentally to move on. You deserve SO much more than this guy.

KAD

If we look hard enough, we can find all kinds of reasons we decide to indulge our addictions, but it doesn't always mean we just need to find more effective ways to put up with things that really are big problems. Sometimes, those problems need to be dealt with directly instead of seeking escape. I'm with Anna on this. This guy, at the least the way you've described him, sounds about as useful to you as a screen door on a submarine. If he can't be reasoned with and persists in being a drain on you, your relationship, your resources, etc. I would advise you do whatever you can to move on. That's just my 2 cents.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that drinking will not only perpetuate the problem, it will make it worse.

lilac0721

Thanks everyone for responding. I will send out some resumes for legal (read: jobs with decent salaries) jobs. I am scared. My husband, for all his faults, is also nice to me and supportive of me following my heart. He encourages me in my fitness and career goals. But, there's the other stuff.

I will also journal and meditate this evening. Those things usually help give me clarification. And call a friend. Go to a women's meeting tomorrow evening.

nopartygirl

I have been married for 30+ years and many of those have been very good.However, as my drinking and recklessness continued, my husband began to pull farther and farther away from me and exhibited some of the things you describe.

He had given up attempting to change me and I resisted him constantly because I wanted to drink. With some clarity, I realize I love the man dearly and he was reacting to an uncontrollable situation. That did not make it ok., but his patience and care for all things we used to do around the house as a couple dwindled and then diminished.

I would not walk away from this history, but together he and I needed to discuss what got us here. I would suggest doing that type of work (sober) and then reassess where your relationship is.

There are always two sides to these situations and I have burned quite a few bridges with my attitude that there is nothing wrong with me, just everybody else....

ru12

I too used drink to help not notice the difficulties in my marriage. When I had sober runs things at home got worse as I was no longer burying my feelings and dissatisfaction under the guilt that drinking caused. Perhaps once you get some sober time and you feel emotionally stable it might be time for a talk. For me, I'd rather be divorced and sober than married and drunk. Happily married and sober would be my preference...