Stinking Thinking
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Stinking Thinking
Afternoon, everyone!
So I'm on day 16 and really happy about that, but my biggest challenge this far is dealing with negativity. I've always had a problem with letting outside factors irritate or upset me, and in the past I obviously self-medicated with alcohol and drugs. This morning I started getting really snippy and cranky because the roads were bad and traffic got delayed due to an accident. Then I did my typical negative nancy routine and started to whine about everything else that stresses me out. My husband called me out and said I was doing what they call in rehab "stinking thinking." I recently asked him if he had any resources that I could read from when he was in rehab that might help me and he gave me a bunch of great stuff. The most helpful was a packet on feelings and specifically anger, which talked about how anger is nothing more than a reaction to external factors that we can't control. I totally get this concept, but have a really tough time putting it into practice in the heat of the moment.
Not sure if anyone has experienced this, just wanted to post to get my thoughts out. I really hope that slowly but surely I will be able to learn different techniques to manage my angry moods and give up the stinking thinking!
So I'm on day 16 and really happy about that, but my biggest challenge this far is dealing with negativity. I've always had a problem with letting outside factors irritate or upset me, and in the past I obviously self-medicated with alcohol and drugs. This morning I started getting really snippy and cranky because the roads were bad and traffic got delayed due to an accident. Then I did my typical negative nancy routine and started to whine about everything else that stresses me out. My husband called me out and said I was doing what they call in rehab "stinking thinking." I recently asked him if he had any resources that I could read from when he was in rehab that might help me and he gave me a bunch of great stuff. The most helpful was a packet on feelings and specifically anger, which talked about how anger is nothing more than a reaction to external factors that we can't control. I totally get this concept, but have a really tough time putting it into practice in the heat of the moment.
Not sure if anyone has experienced this, just wanted to post to get my thoughts out. I really hope that slowly but surely I will be able to learn different techniques to manage my angry moods and give up the stinking thinking!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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I have experienced it too at times, and my wife ( who is not an alcoholic ) has problems with this too fairly often - so it's not just something alcoholics deal with. My strategy is to try and look past the immediate situation, or take a step back and regroup. I'm not in AA ( or very religious for that matter ) but the serenity prayer pretty much spells out exactly what one should/could do in a situation you describe above.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Traffic and many other things that happen in our daily lives fall under the category of things we cannot change. Worrying about them is not only a waste of time, but completely pointless as there's nothing we can do about it anyway. Stopping to identify which category they fall under sometimes helps for me.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Traffic and many other things that happen in our daily lives fall under the category of things we cannot change. Worrying about them is not only a waste of time, but completely pointless as there's nothing we can do about it anyway. Stopping to identify which category they fall under sometimes helps for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
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Thanks, Scott 
my husband recently posted the serenity prayer on our fridge and I've been practicing repeating it to myself in different situations. I guess it's just going to take me some time to learn to cool down when I let uncontrollable instances upset me. I almost laughed at myself though because earlier today when I started ranting about everything under the sun (all due to traffic mind you), my husband said "relax and take a deep breath." My response? "Deep breaths won't pay the bills!!!!" Like, what?! Retrospectively it blows my mind that I moved from some minor traffic to bills in a matter of five minutes or less, but in the moment, I didn't care how ridiculous that was. I definitely think putting things into perspective, the serenity prayer, and even journaling may eventually change this tendency of mine to blow up over nothing. Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond
my husband recently posted the serenity prayer on our fridge and I've been practicing repeating it to myself in different situations. I guess it's just going to take me some time to learn to cool down when I let uncontrollable instances upset me. I almost laughed at myself though because earlier today when I started ranting about everything under the sun (all due to traffic mind you), my husband said "relax and take a deep breath." My response? "Deep breaths won't pay the bills!!!!" Like, what?! Retrospectively it blows my mind that I moved from some minor traffic to bills in a matter of five minutes or less, but in the moment, I didn't care how ridiculous that was. I definitely think putting things into perspective, the serenity prayer, and even journaling may eventually change this tendency of mine to blow up over nothing. Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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As Scott pointed out, negative thinking isn't just an alcoholic thing. But in early recovery it can be fairly disruptive.
There are a number of techniques for what are called "Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs). Being aware of them is one. Challenging them is another, as is putting such thoughts into perspective.
It is good to be aware of when we are concentrating on the negative and ignoring the positive, or when our thinking goes to the extreme or when we are taking responsibility for something that is not our fault.
Again, 16 days is early. You are going to be all over the place. But raging over anything is counterproductive. Good luck.
There are a number of techniques for what are called "Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs). Being aware of them is one. Challenging them is another, as is putting such thoughts into perspective.
It is good to be aware of when we are concentrating on the negative and ignoring the positive, or when our thinking goes to the extreme or when we are taking responsibility for something that is not our fault.
Again, 16 days is early. You are going to be all over the place. But raging over anything is counterproductive. Good luck.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
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RESENTMENT
For the longest time it was the major contributor to my sickness.
This is where doing the steps comes in handy.
I recall when I was in rehab getting angry at every little thing that went on. Then when I saw myself starting to get angry I would say to myself, "The wisdom to know the difference..." and repeat it until I snapped out of it. Kinda like Dorothy, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home..." I still use it whenever something annoys me that I have no control over.
For the longest time it was the major contributor to my sickness.
This is where doing the steps comes in handy.
I recall when I was in rehab getting angry at every little thing that went on. Then when I saw myself starting to get angry I would say to myself, "The wisdom to know the difference..." and repeat it until I snapped out of it. Kinda like Dorothy, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home..." I still use it whenever something annoys me that I have no control over.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
I don't get too much "stinking thinking" but I've worked on it my whole life, trying to see another side of things. For example, if someone is driving really slowly in front of me I consider that they might be a new driver or really nervous - would I really want them to go faster? No, I'd want them to drive slowly and carefully so they didn't cause an accident. If someone cuts me off I consider that I might have been in their blind spot. When a driver does something plain stupid I realize I've also done those things by mistake. I give people permission to not be perfect.
When I am really hoping for a certain outcome of a situation, I remember times when what I want happened and it was not such a great thing. Also I remember times when I was really annoyed at something happening but it turned out to actually benefit me in a way I couldn't predict. A new coworked came in above me and I thought she would make me look bad because she was "better" than me. Turns out she was on my side and made me look great by talking me up to the boss.
Only time can tell which is the best thing for us and we can't control it anyway. I got injured and suffered in misery for two years without being able to work or go to school like planned. Bad thing right? Perhaps not because the fear of paying off bills/starting new career motivated me to work my *ss off (worked up the ladder) and I got way farther in my career than I had planned through school.
When I am really hoping for a certain outcome of a situation, I remember times when what I want happened and it was not such a great thing. Also I remember times when I was really annoyed at something happening but it turned out to actually benefit me in a way I couldn't predict. A new coworked came in above me and I thought she would make me look bad because she was "better" than me. Turns out she was on my side and made me look great by talking me up to the boss.
Only time can tell which is the best thing for us and we can't control it anyway. I got injured and suffered in misery for two years without being able to work or go to school like planned. Bad thing right? Perhaps not because the fear of paying off bills/starting new career motivated me to work my *ss off (worked up the ladder) and I got way farther in my career than I had planned through school.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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No, bunny, what you said TOTALLY relates!!! My husband and another friend actually used a similar example...if someone is driving "like an idiot," it's not fair to get mad or judge. They could be having a horrible day, in the middle of an emergency, etc.
I want to thank you and everyone else for your replies...it is all very helpful. Changing my outlook is easy in theory, my problem is putting it to use when I'm feeling hot-headed. I'm sure that my nerves are a bit touchier now that I don't have alcohol or drugs to numb me out...but I'd rather be sober and more irritable at this early stage than to fall back into using. Everyone's responses have re-affirmed what I need to do (change my perspective, say the serenity prayer, accept what I can't control) so again, thanks to everyone who responded practice makes perfect, right? Hopefully this will get easier for me with time. Just glad I posted about this here, because I immediately felt less cranky and tempted to use once I shared and also saw how silly it is for me to have let trivial things potentially ruin my mood!
I want to thank you and everyone else for your replies...it is all very helpful. Changing my outlook is easy in theory, my problem is putting it to use when I'm feeling hot-headed. I'm sure that my nerves are a bit touchier now that I don't have alcohol or drugs to numb me out...but I'd rather be sober and more irritable at this early stage than to fall back into using
. Everyone's responses have re-affirmed what I need to do (change my perspective, say the serenity prayer, accept what I can't control) so again, thanks to everyone who responded practice makes perfect, right? Hopefully this will get easier for me with time. Just glad I posted about this here, because I immediately felt less cranky and tempted to use once I shared and also saw how silly it is for me to have let trivial things potentially ruin my mood!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
It took me about 3 months to realise how negative I was.
It came as a shock - but being aware of it helps.
I changed...not overnight..but steadily.
A little counseling helped too.
I'm a far less negative person than I was when I was drinking now.
I'm grateful for the good things in my life - I think that helps too?
D
It came as a shock - but being aware of it helps.
I changed...not overnight..but steadily.
A little counseling helped too.
I'm a far less negative person than I was when I was drinking now.
I'm grateful for the good things in my life - I think that helps too?
D
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Dee, I think finding things to be grateful for will really help me, as I too am finding that I can be pretty darn negative (and for no reason). I even decided to contribute to the Gratitude forum this morning to remind me of all the positive things I think I'm going to try posting there several times a week to shift my focus from negative to positive...hoping it helps!
I think I'm going to try posting there several times a week to shift my focus from negative to positive...hoping it helps!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Yes, as Dee said, being aware is a big part of the solution. I was very negative too and it was just a default emotion for me. It was a habit. Try to stop yourself when you find that you're going into the negativity and just take a breath, and see if you can shift your mood.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Pacific Northwest
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MrsBee,
I had a revelation in the checkout line once, and somehow it changed my whole outlook.
The line had been moving slowly, and I was getting progressively more impatient. The woman in front of me had been rung up, but didn't have enough money, and started putting things back, one at a time. I felt my blood pressure skyrocketing, and it suddenly hit me, this woman didn't have enough money to feed her family, and the part I was having a hard time with was the fact that I had been inconvenienced by it. I didn't like this insight into myself. I paid for her groceries, and I don't know how to explain it, but I was deeply changed by the experience.
I try to figure out why I'm bothered by things now, instead of reacting to them immediately, and sometimes it really changes how I feel about them. On the other hand, some things still really suck...
I had a revelation in the checkout line once, and somehow it changed my whole outlook.
The line had been moving slowly, and I was getting progressively more impatient. The woman in front of me had been rung up, but didn't have enough money, and started putting things back, one at a time. I felt my blood pressure skyrocketing, and it suddenly hit me, this woman didn't have enough money to feed her family, and the part I was having a hard time with was the fact that I had been inconvenienced by it. I didn't like this insight into myself. I paid for her groceries, and I don't know how to explain it, but I was deeply changed by the experience.
I try to figure out why I'm bothered by things now, instead of reacting to them immediately, and sometimes it really changes how I feel about them. On the other hand, some things still really suck...
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Yes, I find things like changing myself don't normally happen quickly. My big challenge was being a good life partner, less self centered etc. It's been ten years and I'm still working on it but it's great to look back and see how far I've come and know I'm still moving in the right direction.
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