the life I WANT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 37
the life I WANT
I just want to start out thanking everyone on SR. I check in quite often and am inspired and learn so much about myself....
These past 2 weekends have been particularly hard. It has taken every bit of energy to get out of bed and do the normal day to day stuff. I have been talking with my H and have come to realize so many things about myself. I know he has a problem with alcohol and I have a problem with his drinking, but it is just a symptom of the real problem. He has his issues and I know I can do nothing about those, so I have to look at myself and see what I bring to the table. I bring a very low self-esteem, always putting others first, doing whatever it takes to get people (esp H) to like me. I am a very nice person, loving, loyal and forgiving....so why does he ignore me or treat me the way he does (ie drink)? I have done some more soul searching and I know it stems from my relationship with my mom....all I ever wanted from her was for her to like me and treat me like she treated everyone else. I know she loved me, but for whatever reason, she was unable to give me what I needed (sounds so familiar to what I am dealing with H).
So now what? I am really, I MEAN REALLY, taking care of myself. I am not making his issues my issues. If he wants to drink and carry on the way he has, then that is fine. I don't have to like it, but I also don't have to be a witness to it. I have not made any decisions yet about what my next step is. I am just taking each day as it comes. I am journaling, praying, meditating, spending a lot of time alone (when kids are not around), figuring out what this all means and what I can do to get better. The focus has been all about him and that's getting very old. I (almost) feel like the pain of staying is worse than the fear of leaving.
I am now 41 years old, putting my big girl panties on, and beginning to live the life I WANT. I want peace, simplicity, self-reliance, a partnership, mindfulness, love, kindness, happiness, grace, balance, awareness, fun, and laughter. I know it will not be easy and I will have my doubts and fears, along with good and bad days. It's ok. I give myself permission to live my life, how I want it to be.....
Thank you for letting me ramble on. I feel like my brain is going to explode at times. It is really comforting knowing there is a place like this to come to.
These past 2 weekends have been particularly hard. It has taken every bit of energy to get out of bed and do the normal day to day stuff. I have been talking with my H and have come to realize so many things about myself. I know he has a problem with alcohol and I have a problem with his drinking, but it is just a symptom of the real problem. He has his issues and I know I can do nothing about those, so I have to look at myself and see what I bring to the table. I bring a very low self-esteem, always putting others first, doing whatever it takes to get people (esp H) to like me. I am a very nice person, loving, loyal and forgiving....so why does he ignore me or treat me the way he does (ie drink)? I have done some more soul searching and I know it stems from my relationship with my mom....all I ever wanted from her was for her to like me and treat me like she treated everyone else. I know she loved me, but for whatever reason, she was unable to give me what I needed (sounds so familiar to what I am dealing with H).
So now what? I am really, I MEAN REALLY, taking care of myself. I am not making his issues my issues. If he wants to drink and carry on the way he has, then that is fine. I don't have to like it, but I also don't have to be a witness to it. I have not made any decisions yet about what my next step is. I am just taking each day as it comes. I am journaling, praying, meditating, spending a lot of time alone (when kids are not around), figuring out what this all means and what I can do to get better. The focus has been all about him and that's getting very old. I (almost) feel like the pain of staying is worse than the fear of leaving.
I am now 41 years old, putting my big girl panties on, and beginning to live the life I WANT. I want peace, simplicity, self-reliance, a partnership, mindfulness, love, kindness, happiness, grace, balance, awareness, fun, and laughter. I know it will not be easy and I will have my doubts and fears, along with good and bad days. It's ok. I give myself permission to live my life, how I want it to be.....
Thank you for letting me ramble on. I feel like my brain is going to explode at times. It is really comforting knowing there is a place like this to come to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I live your thread, made me think a lot.
I'm on the other side of the coin as I am an Alcoholic. But it made me think of my 7 year old son and the impact my drinking had on him.
The things you want in life, I want to same for my son and for myself. Laughing and just living a sober happy life.
I'm on the other side of the coin as I am an Alcoholic. But it made me think of my 7 year old son and the impact my drinking had on him.
The things you want in life, I want to same for my son and for myself. Laughing and just living a sober happy life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Mauihope, you deserve all of the things you said you want in your life. I hope you find a way to make that happen.
Thepatman - You deserve sobriety, laughter and fun, and so does your son. I hope you also find a way to make it reality.
Thepatman - You deserve sobriety, laughter and fun, and so does your son. I hope you also find a way to make it reality.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Your post really struck at my heart. It was like you were describing my life. I always wanted everything to be me, and I examined myself till there was nothing left to examine. I did this because I am a "fixer". I have low self esteem. If it was me, then there was something that I could fix. I knew I couldn't change another person, so I kept trying to change me, until my "me", disappeared. I didn't know who "I" was anymore. I was a total fraud. I no longer liked "me".
I found out that to be happy, you need to be true to yourself. Don't try to mold yourself into what someone else wants you to be. You'll never be happy that way.
Did you ever thing that "you matter also"? You do. And I find myself really liking you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
I found out that to be happy, you need to be true to yourself. Don't try to mold yourself into what someone else wants you to be. You'll never be happy that way.
Did you ever thing that "you matter also"? You do. And I find myself really liking you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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