fearNloathing

Where to begin, been doing so awesome staying home and when I did go out I had 2 beers at most if I was not driving, and toking a little green goodness form time to time, but this weekend something happened and I was weekend warrior to the 10th level. I’m still feeling the effects of all the toxins leaving my body, over 18 months of decently clean living and one night I wish I could take back is eating at me, I’m not even able to look in the mirror I’m so sick at myself, I want to get sick when I look at my own face. I’m not sure at what point a weekend binger sounded good but it did, I did have fun and saw lots of people I had not seen in a long time and it was awesome till I saw that old dead in the eye look I had not seen in a long time. I did not stop right then though I had to think about things and a key bump always helps, right. I did not stop till late Tuesday morning when I said phuck it and flushed what I had left. I slept most of Wednesday away and today I was like dead man walking.

I do know what triggered the binger to go into overdrive and it was a text from an ex who I have always loved but can’t be with as his life style is too toxic for me and I know I can’t change him so I don’t even try anymore, but when I saw him all the feelings just made me melt in his arms once again. I know I only have myself to blame but the guilt is making me physically ill, the flashbacks of the weekend are giving me dry heaves and I just can’t stop replaying all the places I saw things get out of control yet keep going like an idiot.
I know this is the 1st time I have ever in all my years of use/abuse felt this much guilt and self loathing which to me is a good sign that I have really turned a corner in my life, maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part. I talked with a long time friend who pointed this out to me, saying the old me would have just killed the guilt and pain with more drugs this me is making a game plan to have a better set of coping skills, I can only pray that to be true.

But yeah any support and understanding would be freaking awesome right about now.

least

I've heard it said that when you hit bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. I'm glad you're getting your plans in place to stay clean and sober. And you know there's lots of support here.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back

I could never dabble with my drugs of choice, not for long anyway.

I found I have two default settings - insanely full on...or completely off.

I prefer off

D

FreeOwl

yep... what Dee said.

Hey listen.... this is a tremendous opportunity you've been handed. What a great piece of evidence.

It's not hard to draw lines from this experience to the conclusion "I'm better off NOT drinking at all because this stuff, invariably, will GET me.

A lot of us have had these experiences too, and for my part... I found they only got worse. Never better. And, eventually; more and more frequent.

May you take the strength of this experience's lesson and use it as fuel to make changes that support your highest good.

fearNloathing

I can say drinking did add flame to an already explosive situation.

I was fine till the pills and powder came out, but the alcohol made those things look way better, Im sure.

Then once my ex came into the picture it was all done, he left me well stocked as was his normal was of saying "I love you, babe" there was no way I was running out of anything any time soon, had I not flushed what was left I would be going till next tuesday. Never in all my life have I flushed so many drugs, unless the cops where banging down the door.

matt4x4

There is always a deeper bottom, ALWAYS, until your dead.
But cheer up, there is a lot of fun and laughter about recovery. To laugh at ourselves and our old actions.

Hevyn

Glad to see you fearNloathing. I hope you'll continue to post and stay with us - we care about you.

Solar

I'm really sorry to hear about how you are feeling right now. I do hope it helps you to turn that corner in your life as you say. My suggestion to you: think about how you feel today. Take a snapshot of it in your mind. Take note how your head throbs, how your stomach churns, how your muscles ache.

Sometimes, when you feel like picking up, it's easy to remember the good times but strangely hard to remember those bad times. Let this be the bad time you remember the next time you feel like taking a drink.

I have a strong memory like that that I keep in my back pocket, a memory of a time when I felt completely and utterly awful after drinking. I choose never to go back to that place.

fearNloathing

[QUOTE=Solar;4583405]I'm really sorry to hear about how you are feeling right now. I do hope it helps you to turn that corner in your life as you say. My suggestion to you: think about how you feel today. Take a snapshot of it in your mind. Take note how your head throbs, how your stomach churns, how your muscles ache.

Sometimes, when you feel like picking up, it's easy to remember the good times but strangely hard to remember those bad times. Let this be the bad time you remember the next time you feel like taking a drink.

I have a strong memory like that that I keep in my back pocket, a memory of a time when I felt completely and utterly awful after drinking. I choose never to go back to that place.[/QUOTE]

I know what you are talking about I have one of those for my heroin use, it's the only drug I used and then totally stop using because saw it change me for the worse right away, been over 13 yrs and I don't think my life could ever get so bad I would ever go back to that time in my life.

Thanks for the advice you guys are awesome.

Treerat66

Hi fearNloathing, welcome back.

Thepatman

Don't beat yourself over it, it won't accomplish anything.

About the ex. If I was you, and you identified the trigger clearly, I would block his texts, phone etc.
you said he is toxic to you, time to let go and move on, include this in your sobriety to do list.