Butterfly

As I was lying in bed at 3am wondering what I had done wrong that my husband walked out so he could drink I suddenly realised how peaceful the house was. There was no loud snoring keeping me awake just my own self doubting thoughts. I began to wonder what had changed since he left. There was no more shouting in the morning at my son who always takes his time to get ready for school there was no shouting when I got home from work as the kids haven't done their chores immediately when they walked in from school, no shouting because the kids left something downstairs instead of taking it to their rooms (even though he did this all the time), no shouting because the kids didn't open the bathroom window in the mornings when they showered or left the lid of the toothpaste. There has been no shouting!! Even my dog who is very anxious has become more relaxed and playful. No mAtter what I did I could not get her to not wet during the night and as it was my husband who was always first up in the mornings of course he shouted. After he had been gone roughly 3 days she was dry and hasn't been wet since maybe it's a coincidence but maybe she was so scared because of his shouting she wet out of fear. All I know is that she doesn't do it anymore.

I try not to ask the kids too often if they are ok as I don't want to keep torturing them. I want things to be as normal as possible for them well as normal as can be in this situation.

He took them to view his new flat yesterday which really annoyed me because we had been scrimping and saving to clear our debt to the point where we had no money left out of our wages and we couldn't do anything like go out for the night or weekends away but if it meant we could buy a new house out of our area which isn't great it would be worth it when the day we get an offer on our house he walks out!! Anyway the kids came home and my daughter was so angry but she won't talk about it she says it makes her angrier to talk about it but I am worried about her keeping everything inside but I don't want to keep pushing her. My son keeps saying he's ok and again I don't want to push him. They both know however that if they need to talk I am always here for them. They are the only reasons I have kept going. I haven't asked them if they have noticed any changes or differences since he left I don't want them to feel they have to say anything bad about their dad or put them in a position where they worry about upsetting me.

Today has been the first day I haven't texted him asking him lots of questions or to see how he is. It was so hard but I am half way through the day and so far today I haven't cried. I know it's only a small step but every small baby step is a success

ladyscribbler

That peace is priceless, isn't it? I'm grateful for it every day. Sorry your ex is being selfish and upsetting your kids. It's always hard to know that my kids are suffering and there's nothing I can do about it. I think you're handling it well. Letting them express their emotions on their own time frame and not pushing (I know how hard that is, I have to struggle against my impulse to pick, poke, question and "help").
Good for you for not contacting your ex today. Sounds like you and your kids are on the road to healing. Take care and enjoy your peaceful day.

Butterfly

It is hard I want to constantly ask are you ok? How are you feeling?do you want to talk to me about anything?

ladyscribbler

I know that feeling. They'll come to you when/if they're ready. Is there someone else they could talk to? A neutral party where they could just vent without repercussions? A counselor or something like that?

Recovering2

How old are your kids? Alateen might be a great resource for them.
I also remember that initial peace and quiet. The quiet seemed loud, I definitely noticed it! My cat was actually out and about, not ready to bolt from a room if voices escalated. I would suggest when you want to talk to your ex, write in a journal. Get it all out on paper, then put it aside. Better than calling him, and opening up your emotions again.

atalose

That's the kind of "stinkin thinkin" that keeps us un-healthy. Because if we believe WE have that kind of power to cause someone else to drink then WE must think WE have power to stop them as well. And when we can't stop them WE feel WE have failed.

You don't Cause him to drink.

You Can't control his drinking.

You don't have the ability to Cure his disease.

sadly, none of us do.

Butterfly

I have a journal and since he left just over 3 weeks ago I've written 120 pages but unfortunately the journal doesn't answer the questions I have

Butterfly

I haven't sent him a text message all day then he texts me tonight just saying night night xx. I replied but should I have?

ladyscribbler

If having contact with him causes you pain, then you should limit contact to things about the kids. No more chit chat, nighty night, how was your day small talk. It gives him power over you and makes you feel confused and sad.
Have you been to Alanon? A lot of times Alateen meetings are held concurrently with an Alanon meeting. You might give it a try this week if you get the chance. It would give you and your kids a safe place to express yourselves.

Butterfly

There hasn't been any small talk with us all my texts messages have been bombarding him with questions. He has never once texted me first since he left and has ignored me quite a few times. So tonight was the first. I am sure he was wondering why I hadn't texted him all day especially as I had been torturing him wanting answers. I still want answers but trying to accept that either he doesn't have them or won't tell me so I've stopped asking well today anyway

Hammer

ok.

I will play.

I will answer ONE question.

Just one.

So make it a good one.



Ask anything your heart would care to.

One question.

1. __________________________________________?

lillamy

Your journal won't answer your questions, but it will help you get them out of your head and onto paper. For me, at least, that helps. Sometimes seeing your thoughts written down robs them of their power.

And I think ladyscribbler is onto something with an objective other adult, like a counselor. My kids were confused initially and didn't want to talk to me about their feelings, because they were afraid they would hurt my feelings if they said something positive about their dad. To the therapist, they could say they loved their dad and tell her mom is an ogre, and they would get it out of their system if they felt that way on any particular day -- and just like your journal, that sort of robbed their scary thoughts of the power they had.

ladyscribbler

I think the answer to all your questions is- he's an alcoholic who has decided to abandon anything that interferes with his drinking. Nothing more than that. It's not you, or the kids or anything else, though I'm sure he's quick to blame others and point lots of fingers. My ex was, anyway.
He has a disease that makes it impossible to deal with him in a rational, logical reasonable way. A healthy person wouldn't give up everything in his life so he could drink. Only an alcoholic who is very sick would do that.

honeypig

What answers do you want, Confused? Why he drinks? Why he won't stop? Why he chose to leave? Even if you got some kind of answer, what would it change? I don't mean to sound heartless; I get where you're coming from. I always want to know WHY too. But gradually I'm coming to understand that sometimes I just need to accept that something IS, whether or not I understand WHY it is, whether or not I like THAT it is. It's not easy. A lot of the time, it bites, in fact.

Are you doing Alanon for support for yourself? Alateen for your kids, maybe? You might give it a try, might be helpful.

Butterfly

I've looked into alanon but I don't think it is for me I feel very uncomfortable talking in groups I struggle to talk to people about personal issues on a one to one basis. My kids at this time will not talk to anyone. The good thing that I realised to night is that my son has began to talk to his older sister which I am relieved about. I am trying to keep it together for their sake so they don't see me upset.

It is hard to understand he only left nearly 4 weeks now and it's difficult to come to terms with. I don't know who I am without him but I don't think I knew who I was with him either. I will find out who I am but I need a bit of time to come to terms with what has happened

Thank you everyone for your support and hammer you made me laugh

spiderqueen

^^^^^^ YES, YES, YES ^^^^^^^^

Helped me hugely today to read this, thank you Lady.

And Confused, please feel my compassion and support. You're going to be OK.

YearForMe

My theory on the texting....FWIW....

You didn't text all day....
So he sent a sweet short little "nighty night" to take your temperature.
It was the hook in the water with a little sweet bait dangling.

He has his own place....gets to do whatever he wants....and "thinks" you would take him back in a nanosecond.

You didn't text all day...so he sends a little "feeler" out to test the waters....
You responded...and he relaxed....(yep...she's still there...and I can get her back anytime I want...IF I want...but man...it's so nice to have my own place and do whatever I want).

I started looking at my STBXAH as a teenager. The thought process and shenanigans were the same.